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Chapter Two

It's really not his fault. In all of Tony's life Captain America had been his idol. He blames Howard for that particular fetish. Howard's obsession with finding the Captain who was lost in the ice had brought the first Avenger to Tony's notice when he was just a child in the first place. Maybe Tony had just worshiped the Captain to please his father, maybe he had tried to be like him because of that till he became a teenager. When he was eight he had even dressed as the Captain for Halloween, with a self build shield and everything.

Maybe after all it is just in his generation and Howard isn't to blame. There had been comic books, collectible action figures and everything else the human mind could think of when Tony grew up. Every child wanted to be like Captain America, talk about Captain America, read about Captain America. It was crazy.

So it was no big surprise that this infatuation and hero worship had transformed into not so innocent fantasies when his body had hit puberty because, how could he ignore such a gorgeous specimen? So when years later, on a plaza in Germany, he had met the real thing, of course Tony had had the feeling that he already knew who was standing in front of him and had, if he be honest with himself, had a crush on him instantly.

That Captain America might have turned out to be a great big jerk in the beginning, which could have also been part to Tony projecting the resentment for his father, that Tony was never good enough for him, that the search for a stupid relic from WWII was always more important than Howard's family, to the, so Tony thought, very source of his problems. Anyway, it had effectively crushed Tony's deep underlying adoration for the leader of their ragtag group of misfits.

The man behind the winged cowl, Steve, however, turned out to be very different from what Tony imagined him to be. He even apologized for being such an idiot. Okay, he tried before they tumbled into bed that first time on the Helicarrier. Still, it's counting. So Tony had needed up to no time to fall head over heels for the gorgeous blond again, with the real deal this time around. And how couldn't he? Steve is not the pinnacle of human perfection people take him for. He is self-righteous and picky about his food and has terrible taste in movies and music and they still bicker a lot, especially when it's about the team or other important and unimportant stuff, so literally all the time, Steve is secretive and a little absentminded when there is no call of action. In the end none of that matters, it makes him only more adorable in Tony's eyes. Furthermore, he is good for Tony.

So, if Tony is fair to himself, he had been in this relationship with Steve far longer than the blond because of his infatuation with his Captain persona. Which is why he said what he said last night. He hadn't even meant to. It just, kinda, slipped.

With that thought Tony wakes up. Seconds later his heart hammers and his arc reactor has to work hard to keep up with it when realization hits him hard. His breath is caught in his throat as panic seeps through his entire being. For a moment he attempts to convince himself that it was but a dream, that he couldn't have possibly declared his love for Steve just before falling asleep, because, who would do that? That theory is crushed instantly though. He knows what he said and Tony's pretty sure that Captain Super-Hearing heard exactly what he said there in bed. He curses himself, his father and the whole freaking world just to be sure. What had he just done? For god's sake, why had he said that? What had he been thinking? Right, he hadn't been thinking at all in the post coital bliss and had just said the first thing that came to his mind.

Tony takes some deep breaths and opens his eyes, ready to face Steve who probably hadn't been able to sleep all night. He is so thoughtless, saying to his unprepared boyfriend that he loves him and then, without explanation, without wasting time, had fallen asleep. But the bed is empty, the covers on Steve's side neatly made.

'Shit.', he curses. This is bad. Quite possibly he had destroyed what they had just because he couldn't stay awake for another second, couldn't keep his mouth shut. He is on a self punishing path when the sounds of breakfast making reaches his ears.

Steve hadn't left.

Tony breathes a sigh of relief. He sits up in bed, running his hands through his hair. What is he supposed to say? What does anyone say after saying 'I love you' to their unsuspecting boyfriend and then just falling asleep after that? Fuck, that has never happened to him. Of course, a lot of his bedmates had said the L-word in the heat of passion to them but either Tony had left before any embarrassing situation could arise out of that or they had left (more accurately: been thrown out by Pepper).

Slowly he stands up, trying to postpone the upcoming argument he is sure that will follow his impossible behavior. The smell of eggs and bacon is soothing. Steve surely wouldn't make him breakfast if it would be a 'you totally overstepped the boundaries and I never want to see you again' talk that's in front of Tony. But that doesn't mean it will get any easier or that Steve won't be mad and demand to talk.

He messes his hair up a little more in an attempt to control it after slipping on a tee and sweatpants.

'Morning.' Tony aims for a nonchalant tone when he steps into his kitchen in the penthouse.

Steve turns around surprised. His already in his slacks and his white t-shirt. The spatula comes up with his hand. 'Good morning.'Steve looks handsome in the soft light of the morning. Tony tends to forget because the blond usually already for his morning jog when he wakes up. The playboy is totally alright with that but he wouldn't mind seeing such a breathtaking sight more often.

Tony steps closer but isn't sure what to expect. His kitchen is pretty big considering he almost never spends time here and uses the communal kitchen downstairs more often than not. And Steve uses it, like, never. He always eats breakfast with the others and only cooks for Tony in his own apartment. So this might be a really bad sign. Tony can't just walk away and let this blow over like he really, really wants to right now.

No, this is too important, he tells himself. Steve is too important. And Steve doesn't look too mad at him. Actually he smiles and if that isn't an invitation, Tony doesn't know. Then the blond makes the decision of how to best greet him so it wouldn't be awkward, for Tony, puts down the kitchenware and steps right in front of the brunet man, placing his hands on Tony's hips and kissing him softly.

Tony can barely breathe and refuses to get his hopes up but it's already too late. So he tries to make the kiss last, delaying the inevitable disappointment that would follow the end of it. Steve chuckles into the kiss but he doesn't seem to mind. Tony's mind spins in circles. Maybe the blond had stayed here to rectify yesterday's misunderstanding. Maybe Tony is worrying for nothing and Steve merely didn't have the chance to say it back?

'Tony.' He laughs softly when he tries to draw back and Tony refuses to give in. A smile stretches over the brunet man's face as well when he allows Steve to break the kiss.

Tony is greeted by a blinding smile on the handsome face. He lets his hand trace the line of Steve's jaw.

Is he imagining the sadness lingering in the baby blue eyes when Steve kisses his forehead? Tony's worry is back instantly because the other man certainly doesn't look like one who's about to say 'I love you'. But he decides to play along with Steve's emphasized nonchalance. Because despite the undeniable sadness in his eyes, Steve still smiles and turns back to his eggs as if everything is alright.

'Already back from your morning jog?', Tony asks to ease the tension. Does Steve want to end this after all? Or what is he sad about? He is sad about the upcoming end of their relationship, his helpful treacherous brain supplies. He pushes the thoughts away, afraid of the answer.

'Haven't gone yet.', he answers with a shrug as if that would be perfectly normal. Tony nods. This is bad, there is no reason to put it off any longer by pretending this didn't happen. Facing his fears, on the other hand, was never really Tony's stronghold. He tells himself again that Steve is too important to be lost over this. The soldier is polite if nothing else. He probably doesn't love Tony, not yet anyway, and knows no way around not saying the words without hurting his lover. That's going to be the problem, Tony tries to convince himself.

He leans against the counter next to the stove and looks at Steve. 'Listen, about last night..' Suddenly his words fail him. He doesn't want to take his words back, no way. Tony said that he loves Steve and he won't take it back because he meant it. Otherwise he wouldn't have said it. But he needs to make sure that the words, that were said a little too early, won't be misinterpreted. Steve must understand that he doesn't expect it to be said back because, yeah, they haven't been together for that long.

'Tony, you don't have to..', Steve waves it off. 'I understand.'

'No, Steve, I..' Tony scratches the back of his neck, not knowing how to best phrase the next part. 'I don't want anything to change or be awkward between us because of that. It just.. it slipped, okay?' Now it's out and he hears how pathetic he sounds. Begging and pleading with Steve to understand him.

Steve looks down to the floor. 'It was the situation.', he mumbles.

'Exactly.', Tony exclaims, glad that Steve is getting what he can't really explain. It has never happened to him before, the words had never slipped out unbidden. Then again, he doesn't think he ever loved someone like this. Tony always ran away before it could get so serious. 'But that doesn't mean-'

Steve turns the stove off and faces Tony, making him stop midsentence. 'You don't need to explain. I just..' He doesn't finish the sentence but he doesn't need to. God, what had he done? Of course Steve can't say it back without meaning it. He is not the type of person to lie about a thing like this. It's too important for him. And Tony is glad that he doesn't lie.

Tony sighs. 'I am sorry, okay? It really wasn't my intention last night.' He had wanted his first 'I love you' to be something special, something Steve would look back to fondly and would like to remember, not some sentence Tony dropped on him after sex.

Steve nods, still not really looking at him. 'It's okay.'

'Really?', he asks, doubting Steve's words. He doesn't look okay.

Finally he looks up and tries a little smile. It's a little forced but Tony's willing to take it for now. 'It's okay, really, Tony. Nothing has changed.'

Tony breathes a sigh of relief though Steve is wrong. A lot will change but maybe he hadn't destroyed their little something. Maybe Steve wouldn't be driven away. Steve likes him, and maybe would come to love him sometime, Tony is sure. It must have been a shock but he has hope that it would be forgotten in a few weeks. He wouldn't say the words again until Steve would be ready to hear them. 'So everything's alright?'

'Everything is fine between us. Honestly.' Steve kisses him pointedly. 'Nothing will change.', he repeats with a more honest smile.