Episode 2: A Lemon Fic
"Power is power. Life is life. I am the walrus. Kukukachu."
-some guy named steve
As I walked home from space, I pondered the meaning of "skunk." Was skunk a force for good? Or a force for evul? I forgot about this when I saw a woman handing out free samples on the space-sidewalk. She had red hair and was wearing a green top hat adorned with yoshi's face. So I walked up and tried one of her delicious, strawberry-flavored… ...drugs. They were drugs. She stated out loud that they were drugs. Garsh, we're both denser than the CORE OF THE EARTH ITSELF, aren't we?
Anyway, yes, I was captured by famous kidnapper Joanie Chanco, who forces victims to play video games with her. I decided to play a game called Attack on Lemons. The box proudly stated that it had nothing to do with Portal 2.
"Eh, what's this game?" I asked Joanie.
She replied, "Mr. John Johnson, how could you not know of the masterpiece that is Attack on Lemons? It's the best game ever made, and it has nothing to do with Portal 2."
With that, she inserted the disc into the Super Genesistendo X and turned it on. The game began with a logo splash stating that the game had nothing to do with Portal 2. The story began with a cutscene of Pac man eating Ms. Pac Man. I screamed. Joanie seized the opportunity to break out her phone and record it. Once I finally came to grips with the carnage in front of my eyes, she said, "Thanks a bizzety-bundle, that'll help a lot with my metal remixes!" I said, "is this what life truly is…?" Once the game was done showing Pac Man's cannibalism in gory detail, the cutscene transitioned to Mega man X breaking into Pac's house and trying to kill him.
"Your hate crimes end here!" said X.
I said, "...why did i take this off the shelf…?"
Joanie retorted, "Dude, no, this is ART."
Pac man said to X, "I'll never surrender! Those citrusf**ks deserve nothing!"
X said, "The lemons deserve as much as us, and a lot more than you do!"
It was then that the gameplay started. Half of the screen was a bejeweled-style puzzle game, and the other was an action sequence between X and Pac man, seemingly affected by the puzzle. "see, this symbolizes how Pac Man sees murder as nothing more than a game." Said Joanie. Once I beat the level, Pac Man and X, both looking like messes, decided to call it a draw.
X said, "Don't think you're off the hook! I'll be back!"
Pac Man replied, "heh. I like your tacos, brosuke!"
X's eyes widened, and he said, "what the hell's that supposed to mean?"
Pac man walked up to X and said, "well, it's very simple…" Taking advantage of X's confusion, Pac man nonchalantly dismembered him. "Now, to the lemon colony! heheheh…" Pac Man said as he jumped into space.
The game then transitioned into a vertically-scrolling shoot-em-up. (like touhou or galaga) Pac Man had turned into a giant fist that shoots missiles made of candy.
I desperately inquired, "when can I go home?"
Joanie replied, "hmph! be that way! I'll revisit this masterpiece by my lonesome."
On that note, I saw myself out. ugh. yare yare daze. the end.