"Are you alright in there," Caroline inquired as she knocked on the en-suite door with the knuckle of her left index finger.
"I'm fine," Nicola responded, but the edge in her voice told a different story. She let the hot water of the shower pound down over her as her heart raced. She was willing herself to be fine but it wasn't working.
"I know you're not," Caroline countered. "Talk to me." Nicola was asleep by the time Caroline returned home Friday night so there had been no chance to hear about her trip. She thought she returned home from dinner early enough to salvage part of their night, but she now feared Nicola went to bed as a way to avoid her.
"Later. It can wait."
"Maybe it can wait but I can't. You know I don't like it when things are strained between us," Caroline said with concern in her voice. She knew when Nicola bolted out of bed and into the en-suite without their usual lazy Saturday morning snuggle she was in for a day of silence if she didn't push the issue.
Nicola took her time in the shower hoping Caroline would take the hint and go downstairs to make them some coffee. She wanted to avoid the confrontation that was building until she had the words she needed and was able to say them without sounding petty. She stood under the showerhead, wishing the pulsing hot water would wash away the emotions she didn't want to verbalize.
Caroline thought about heading down to start breakfast but didn't want to let whatever was bothering Nicola fester any longer. What she really wanted to do was barge into the bathroom but didn't want Nicola to feel cornered. Nicola rarely blew her stack, but when she did, Caroline knew from experience that cornering her to get her to do so was never a good idea.
She considered sitting on the bed to wait for her to finish but she needed to pace the bedroom as her nerves were too frazzled for her to sit still. Things had not been going smoothly for them even before the trip and now she worried that the situation was more than just a temporary disconnect because of how hectic their schedules had been since Ginika moved in with them two months ago. Flora's non-stop studying for the spelling bee also had their equilibrium off balance.
When Nicola was just about out of hot water, she turned the water off and slid the shower door open. She watched the steam that had collected near the ceiling rain down into the cooler air below that was disturbed by the movement of the shower door. It reminded her of the way the tan foam cascades down into a pint of Guinness; it was a sight she loved to watch on the rare occasions she ordered one.
She looked up at the wallpaper in the corner and realized it was curling further away from the wall than before and instantly felt guilty for not using the exhaust fan. They were long overdue to repaper the room but hadn't made time to look at samples as Ginika's needs seemed to fill what little spare time they had the past few weeks.
After toweling her hair and running a brush through it, she finally alighted from the bathroom and stepped into the bedroom; she wasn't surprised to find Caroline waiting for her. Wrapped in nothing more than a towel, Nicola passed her, on the way to the dresser, without making any eye contact. Caroline noticed her skin was red from the unusually long, hot shower.
Nicola picked up her bottle of moisturizer and started to cream her arms. Without looking up, she said, "We really shouldn't put off repapering that room any longer. It's starting to look shabby. Shabbier."
Not willing to be derailed from her mission, Caroline responded, "What's going on? Is it something I've done?" Caroline moved to the bed to perch on the corner of it so Nicola would have to walk past her when she finished at the dresser. It was the perfect spot to pivot to watch Nicola as she nervously flitted about the room.
"It's more like something you haven't done," Nicola began as she bent over to rub moisturizer into her legs. After what felt like an eternity, she looked directly at Caroline.
"I don't understand."
"I know it's a little late to be saying this but you never really asked me if I was okay with Ginika moving in. William did, but you never did."
"I thought we discussed it," she said defensively. "And you told William you were fine with it."
"No, we didn't. Not really. And what was I going to say when William asked? When you told me your plan to have her convalesce here for a couple of weeks, you didn't leave me any room to object. But I understood it was going to be temporary," she explained. "Now that she's all but recovered, I'm wondering how much longer she is going to be staying with us."
"How long have you been feeling like this? Why didn't you say anything sooner? I thought we were on the same page with this." Caroline's emotions were all over the place.
"Well, when I got back from Germany, I thought we'd have our usual homecoming ritual, especially since I didn't get my traditional sendoff, but it seems Gigi took priority yet again. I know how petty that makes me sound but I'm tired of feeling like I'm playing second fiddle."
"Oh, Nicola, I'm sorry you feel that way. She can't drive yet so that's why I offered to take her to that dinner and they insisted I stay." Caroline was becoming equal parts mortified and pissed.
"Why didn't you send her in an Uber last night? You've been putting her before us for the past two months."
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize. How can I make it up to you?" Nicola could see the contrition now growing in Caroline's baby blues.
"Just tell me there's a plan for her to go back to her own flat."
Caroline moved to Nicola and took the moisturizer from her. "Let me rub some into your back. Lie down on the bed so I can do it properly."
Nicola grinned at her. "I can't tell if that's an evasion or a peace offering."
"If I'm honest, it's a little bit of both," Caroline confessed as Nicola's smile faded. "I don't want her to feel pushed out and I really don't see how she can move back to her place until she can drive again."
"Well, what did the doctor say on her last visit? When do you think she'll be cleared to drive?" Nicola moved to lay face down in the center of the bed as Caroline moved to straddle Nicola, eventually resting her bottom on Nicola's. Caroline lowered the towel to give her better access to the freckled back that was returning to its natural shade of pale as the heat from the shower slowly dissipated.
"Actually, Gigi asked the same question and asked about whether she would be cleared to go home without any assistance. The doctor thinks maybe next week. My guess is that about the time of the next round of the spelling bee she should be green lighted."
Caroline thoroughly massaged the cream into Nicola's shoulders. She could feel her wife relaxing under her ministrations but realized it probably had more to do with her reassuring words than the movement of her hands.
"I know it makes me sound callous but I'm relieved to hear she wants to get back to her place. She's been a fine houseguest but it's thrown our routine off to have her here for so long. She's been easy enough to have around in many ways but…" Nicola's words started to fail her.
"But it's been a constant diet of Kate talk, hasn't it?" Caroline hadn't expected it but it seemed as though all Gigi wanted to do was reminisce to Flora about Kate's childhood. "Even I'm surprised at how much she talks about Kate to Flora. She never really did much of that before."
"I think maybe this recent health hiccup has her feeling a little desperate to make sure Flora knows as much as she can about Kate. And I get it."
"But?"
"But I guess it just hurt when I heard Flora talking on the phone about her 'real mum'. I know it's pathetic but I'm a little jealous Kate gets to be perfect in her mind since she has never had to nag her eat her vegetables, stop texting or clean her room, know what I mean?"
Caroline finished massaging the cream into her back and lay down on the bed so she could face Nicola. She wordlessly took Nicola's left hand in her right hand and played with the gold wedding ring before bringing it to her lips to kiss it. When she finished, she turned Nicola's hand over and kissed her palm.
"You are as much her 'mum' as I am and I don't want you to ever doubt that. Just the other day I heard her bragging to William about how you have helped her study for the spelling bee. She thinks that has given her a big advantage, particularly since you've helped solidify her understanding of how root words work." She moved her hand to clasp Nicola's, threading their fingers together in the process before giving it a grateful squeeze.
"Well, it's nothing compared to William's help with the obscure things that could make all the difference. Do you know that he showed her how words with Japanese origins likely include a K instead of a C and an O instead of an A. Where did he learn that?" Without letting go of her hand, Nicola rolled onto her side, fully facing Caroline.
"Don't look at me. All I did when he was competing was run words with him until I thought there wasn't a single word left we hadn't learned. I don't ever remember him being as devoted to reading the Dictionary as she is. She's taken this to a whole new level. Anyway, real parents are the ones who are here day in and day out as you've been for her since we moved to London." She leaned in for a chaste kiss, which resulted in Nicola pulling her into a full embrace that let her know the worst was over.
"I'm sorry I didn't properly talk this through more with you before I set the wheels in motion to move her in. I didn't think it would be for this long," Caroline confessed. "Flora comes back from Greg's around noon. Why don't we take advantage of having her here and slip out tonight for a romantic dinner so I can try to make it up to you? We could even stop at the store and pick up some wallpaper books on the way to dinner."
"Hmmm. As long as the night ends with make-up sex I'm in. A girl could go mad waiting for you." Nicola kissed Caroline square on the lips so their noses touched to emphasize her point. She wasn't trying to make Caroline feel guilty but the truth was that since Ginika moved in, Caroline would crawl into bed most nights too tired for anything more than a cuddle that would quickly end with her falling asleep, repeatedly leaving Nicola feeling lonely, disappointed and more than a bit frustrated.
"Why do we need to wait for tonight for that to happen?" Caroline said in a husky voice as the sight of her half-naked wife suddenly registered in her mind. She deftly pulled off Nicola's towel and deposited it on the floor to emphasize her point.