Chapter Two
Introducing Mary Sue #1

The train soon arrived at Hogwarts and Harry dragged himself into the castle in an incredibly depressed manner. "FIRS' YEARS THIS WAY!" roared Hagrid, picking up all the first years in one hand and tossing them into the Great Hall. A few of them landed with a sickening SPLAT! "Oopsies!" said Hagrid. Filch went and mopped up the smashed remains of the students, and the students that were still alive got into a line and were sorted.

Harry tragically sat down and sullenly greeted his classmates. A thin, petite girl with a pretty face suddenly walked into the Great Hall. Looking at her robes, Harry, Hermione, and Ron saw that she was a Slytherin.

"Hello," said Hermione. "Are you new here?"

"No, it's me!" said the girl. "I'm Millicent Bulstrode! Remember? Over the summer I lost four thousand pounds and got a facelift!"

Harry and his friends stared at Millicent in shock. It was quite amazing what makeovers could do. Ask Hermione, she can tell you. Speaking of Hermione, Snape happened to glance at the Gryffindor table and his eyes widened in utter shock. "Hermione, is that you?" he demanded.

Hermione blushed and fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Yes, professor."

Ron scowled at the potions master. "Are you checking out my beautiful lady?"

"Silence, Weasley!" snapped Snape. "So what if I am?" He sidled over to Hermione and straightened up his greasy hair. "Dearest Hermione, you make me feel like I've been struck with a thousand cheering charms! Be mine, my gorgeous angel!" He got down on his knees and gazed up into her eyes. "I beg of you, Hermione! For I desperately love you!"

Hermione giggled. "Oh, Severus! You're so sexy when you beg! Of course I will be yours!" She threw her arms around him.

Ron made a strangled, gasping sound of distress. "H-H-Hermione?"

"Oh, I didn't love you all that much, Ron," Hermione explained casually. "Especially since... dun dun dun... you're actually my long-lost sister!"

"Egad!" Ron shrieked. "We're related?"

"Yes," said Hermione. "I just found out today from some reliable yet unrealistic source."

"How creepy," said Ron. Something suddenly dawned on him and he let out a squeaky yelp. "Hey, wait! Did you say that I'm your sister?"

"Oh, yes! You are actually a girl who was mistaken as a boy at birth!"

Ron was so distressed at this news, he ran off so he could go cry in the girl's bathroom.

"Actually, I'm not surprised that Ron turned out to be a girl," Harry remarked. "Remember back in our third year when he woke up and found blood on his sheets?"

Hermione gasped. "It makes sense now!"

"Now that's bizarre," Snape said. "Well, my darling Hermione, let's have our make-out session!" And they kissed right there in the Great Hall.

"Why don't I have a messed-up love life?" Harry moaned in the most anguished way possible. "Why must I be forever alone?"

"You could fall in love with me!" said a lovely voice behind him.

Harry turned around and saw the most beautiful female creature that ever existed in the whole entire school, entire country, entire continent, entire world, entire solar system, entire galaxy, and entire universe. Her long hair flowed and clung to her shapely, curvy body and was a beautiful white-blonde-red-brown-black-purple. Her large eyes were blue-green-orange-purple-brown-yellow-black-gold-silver. Harry had a hard time deciding exactly what color they were. She was part fairy, part veela, part unicorn, part butterfly, part angel, and was endowed with many wonderful powers that exceeded that of most witches and wizards.

The girl flashed a perfect smile, showing off her perfect teeth that were straight and sparkling and flawlessly white. "I'm an exchange student, but I'm a Gryffindor sixth year like you. My name is Aurelia-Clemandalina-Ivana-Rhiannon-Venetia-Sapphira-Bianca-Heidialette-Elienor-Daphnielia-Gweniveive-Rosinia-Winifred-Melivia-Leonore-Sabrina-Corinnesta-Jasmine-Penelope-Veraline-Amethyst-Calliope-Amylette-Zelda-Ashleighetta-Rowena-Alessandria-Saffrona-Vivien-Cassandra-Belindaline-Marysue."

Harry looked taken aback.

"But you may call me Aurelia for short," said the girl.

"Thank Merlin." Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Harry," gushed Aurelia, throwing her beautiful arms around him. She kissed him on the mouth with her lovely red lips and Harry nearly fainted again. "Oh, Harry! You are the most dashing tragic hero I've ever set eyes on! Make me yours!"

Harry and Aurelia then went off to find a place to make out in private. They opened an empty closet and heard some startled screams that sounded oddly like Hermione and Snape, and so Harry quickly shut the door and found another closet, this time an empty one. After spending some "quality time" in the closet for a few hours, Harry and Aurelia finally finished their business and went into the hall. Suddenly, for some unexplainable reason, Harry smashed into Draco. Draco smashed into Harry. Harry fell over, smacking his head on a nearby suit of armor, and lost consciousness. "Oh, Harry!" Aurelia gasped uselessly.

A few moments later, Harry regained consciousness, but something was terribly wrong. He ran a hand over his aching head but instead of feeling the usual mass of black unruliness, he discovered gelled smoothness. At the same time Draco felt something odd on his face, and to his horror he found that he was wearing glasses. Several students yelped in surprise at these startling discoveries, for it appeared that Harry and Draco had switched bodies!

"Aurelia?" cried Harry. "Fair lady, wherever did you go?" He then looked over to his left and saw Aurelia passionately Draco, and the anguish was so great that Harry uttered a tortured yell and ran off down the hallway.

But suddenly, he felt himself transported, just like that! He landed hard upon the ground, opened his eyes, and saw none other than his parents standing in front of him. It appeared that he had traveled through time.

"It is I, the tragic Lily Evans!" Lily exclaimed, striking a dramatic pose. "All I want out of my tragic life is nauseatingly perfect grades and an ideal love life!" She sighed dramatically. "I hate James Potter so very much!"

"I love Lily so very much," said James with a sigh. "I have become absorbed in teen hormonal angst! Gaze upon my angsty sexiness!" He ripped off his shirt in deep anguish.

"I still hate James," said Lily. She looked at James, who was still shirtless and was about to remove his pants. "But I think we should fall in love anyway!" She then grabbed him and started kissing him passionately.

"Oh, the horror!" cried Harry, beginning to twitch. "Lily and James romantic back-story! It's taking over the world!"

Suddenly, Remus Lupin snuck up behind James and stabbed him with a butcher knife. "Lily, it is I who desperately loves you!"

"I feel the same way about you, dear Remus!" said Lily, gazing at him adoringly.

Sirius shoved Remus out of the way. "Lily, I've loved you longer!"

"I love you even better!" said Lily.

Suddenly, Peter Pettigrew emerged. He took a rope out of his pocket, choked both Remus and Sirius with it, and scooped up Lily in his arms and flew off on a broomstick with her. "Lily, you must not believe those fools! I have deeply loved you far more and far longer than anyone else!"

Lily giggled. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to say that, you sexy thing!" She and Peter kissed and then flew away to get married.

"NOOOO!" cried Harry. He fell over in a faint.

An hour later Harry woke up on his bed in the Gryffindor boys dormitory. He looked in the mirror and saw that somehow he no longer resembled Draco. He was back to normal, but felt as miserable and tortured as ever. He grabbed his wand and put the Cruciatus Curse on himself.

Aurelia, hearing Harry's shrieks of pain, rushed into the room, whipped out her wand, and put Harry back to normal. She had such wonderful and amazing powers that she could even stop the Unforgivable Curses.

Harry, massaging his hurt body, looked up at his rescuer. "Aurelia? I thought you didn't love me anymore."

She smiled her very sweetest and most bewitching smile. "I thought that Draco Malfoy was you. Oh Harry, I'm sorry! I never really betrayed you. You're not mad at me, are you?"

"How can anybody be mad at someone as perfect as you?" said Harry. He wrapped himself around her curvy, gorgeous body.

"Oh, Harry!" sighed Aurelia. The two of them passionately kissed, just as they always did, since they never seemed to have anything better to do.