Ask Logan
Dear Logan,
Why does it always rain on my parade?
~ GoldStarDiva
Dear GoldStarDiva,
I don't know. Why does it rain on your parade? Maybe it is because you are such an attention seeker that the rain decides to grace your event in case no one is paying attention otherwise? Collusive natural elements – there's great potential in that direction. Here's some advice: for your next 'parade' decide on an ensemble that shows more spunk and less skin (or not, both work fine for me – the former more than the latter). There's an ancient Aztec myth that relates how females had to cover their bodies through parade in case their body electrons attracted cloud protons which would lead to a chemical reaction of sorts – if you know what I mean – and result in heavy downpour whereby the females would be drenched to their core. So in case you want nothing to do with hypothermia in this cold weather, I suggest you suit up!
Curious mythical footnote: The Aztec myth actually goes this way: Beautiful females were a source of attraction to cloud gods who were too tired of impregnating the easy prey – muses on seventh heaven – and found earthly humans to be a delicious task. GoldStarDiva, are you delicious?
Logan
Dear Logan,
I have girlfriend trouble and I was hoping you could help me understand what's going on. My girlfriend has a cat named Lucy who is pure EVIL. I just know it. That sadistic bitch clawed me till I got a punctured ear lobe and then went meowing to my girlfriend as if I had clawed it or something. Now here is where I'm confused. My girlfriend threw me out of our shared apartment saying I 'cheated' on her with her cat. What the bloody fuck is that supposed to mean?
~ Alleged Cat Lover
Dear Alleged Cat Lover,
Oh man, you poor sap you just fell victim to your devious girlfriend's manipulation. My best guess? Your so-called better half is a, how do I say this… cat lover herself. Don't be alarmed, every seventh hot girl in the US of A has some funny business going on and my sources tell me, some good pussy loving is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact it ranks third to those pointy hat garden elves and tree barks. Truth be told, you might want to crawl back on your knees to your girl and hope she lets you in her private times with her pussy. What's hotter than that?
If not, you need to move on already, man. There are plenty more fish to fry.
Logan
Dear Logan,
Will you vote in the next Presidential Elections? Who will you vote for? I'll vote whoever you vote for! My passion for this country of ours knows no bounds and I cannot wait for the voting to commence. In your reply, please do let me know when the voting actually begins, we can be voting buddies!
~ Voteriotic
Dear Voteriotic,
Why the bloody hell would I vote in the next Presidential elections? Have you learnt nothing reading my column? While intellectually challenged people like you are sorting yourself in queues trying to make the world a better place yada yada, I'll be out in my Xtera stealing lollipops from babies in prams and shunning the homeless – or at least that's what the local media would have you believe.
I salute your patriotism but I'll pass on this heartfelt moment of becoming voting buddies with you. Thank you for the thought. Now go to the nearest bar, order yourself the priciest champagne, drink it to your good health and then smash the bottle against your head.
Good night and good luck
Logan
A/N: I know this was long overdue, but I've been busy with a lot of stuff. Hope you like this update. Let me know if I should continue it further. As always, feedback is welcome! In fact since this is an Ask Logan section, you are welcome to suggest anything you'd want Logan to ask for you. Leave a note for Logan in the Review section and he'll get back to you in the next update! :D
Also, the Aztec myth is made up, as well as everything else in the Logan universe. Points for those of you who can name the GoldStarDiva.
Cheers!