Harley Quinn was curled up in bed, flipping through the channels on the TV. She paused at a showing of Star Wars, watched a few scenes with Luke Skywalker in them, and frowned. "I dunno why Mr. J is so fond of that guy," she said, flipping channels again. "He don't sound a thing like him."
She heard the key turn in the lock and squeaked happily, flicking the TV off and snuggling under the covers, hoping Mr. J would think she was asleep and wake her up with a kiss.
Her hopes were disappointed when the overhead light suddenly flicked on. "Out," said the Joker, simply, reaching under the bed.
"Mmm, Mr. J, why are you turning the lights on at…" began Harley, but she stopped talking as the Joker pulled a suitcase out from under the bed, opened it, and began throwing stuff from her closet into it. "Mr. J?" she said, confused. "What are you doing?"
"Packing for you," he said, heading into the bathroom and returning with her makeup and toiletries, which he shoved into the suitcase. "So you can get outta here as quickly as possible."
"Oh. Uh…where am I going?" asked Harley, slowly.
"Don't know, don't care," he retorted, opening her drawers and emptying them into the suitcase too. "But you can't stay in my house any longer. It's over."
"What's over?" asked Harley, bewildered.
"Us. Our relationship. Finished. Gone. Done," he said simply, trying to close the suitcase.
"But…but…why?" stammered Harley, her confusion gradually turning to heartbreak.
"Because I've found myself a better girlfriend," he replied. "Hotter, smarter, more competent, that kinda thing. It's nothing personal, Harley. I mean, if there was a more attractive man out there than me, I wouldn't blame you for upgrading. So you can't blame me for upgrading to a hotter woman, can you?"
"Who…but…but…Mr. J!" gasped Harley, tears in her eyes. "This…this is a joke, right, puddin'?" she asked, hopefully. "You're only joking about all this, huh?"
"No, I most certainly am not!" he snapped, grabbing her arm and dragging her out of bed. "Now get dressed and get outta here! You're dumped! Kitty pie's gonna get here any minute, and it'll be awkward if you're still here when she does!"
"K…Kitty pie?" repeated Harley.
"Yeah, Catwoman," he retorted.
Harley stared at him. "You're…dumping me for…Selina?" she stammered.
"Like I said, don't take it personally," he said. "It's just an upgrade. Being the hottest supervillain around, I deserve the hottest of the Gotham City Sirens, and that's Selina."
"I…I don't think she's hotter than me…" began Harley.
"Oh, c'mon, Harley!" he interrupted. "Have you seen her in that tight catsuit?!"
"I…wear a tight catsuit too…" stammered Harley.
"Yep, and she fills hers a lot better," he said, nodding. "Her melons barely fit into hers. Look at your melons!" he said, gesturing to her chest. "It's a no boner…uh…brainer!"
Harley stared down at her chest, tears burning her eyes. "But…but we've been together a lotta years, puddin'…"
"Yeah, so time for a change, doncha think?" he asked, steering her out of the bedroom. "Wouldn't want me to get bored, would ya? You'll be fine, Harl – you're not Catwoman, but you'll probably land on your feet anyway. I'm sure someone will take you in. Well, see you around," he said, handing her the suitcase and shoving her out the front door. "If you need anything, call me, but I probably won't pick up the phone."
He shut the door in her face. Then he began cackling to himself, heading back into the bedroom. "Let the catfight begin!" he giggled.
…
Harley stared dumbly at the closed door, trying to process what had just happened. Tears gathered in her eyes, but she wiped them away, opening up her suitcase and throwing on her coat over her skimpy nightgown. "I…I wonder where I'm gonna go," she said to herself, trying to focus on practical things rather than the agony as her heart tore itself into a million pieces. "I guess I could go to Red's…but she and…Selina are friends…it might be awkward…if she visits…"
She shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the vision of Catwoman and the Joker together. "I…I guess it's good that he's happy even if I…"
She choked on a sob. She was sure she would be furious at him later, but right now pain and despair consumed her. "I…I can't break down here, in the middle of the street," she said, firmly. "Get ahold of yourself, Harl, and try to think of someone besides Red who cares about you, who's a good friend, someone who's always been patient and sympathetic and understanding…"
And then the answer came to her in a flash. "Johnny," she said, resolutely, gathering up her suitcase and disappearing into the night.
…
"Jonathan, your bird has eaten my lab mice again!" shouted Jervis Tetch, storming into Jonathan Crane's study.
"She can't help her nature, Jervis," retorted Crane, stroking his pet raven Lenore gently as she cooed happily. "Perhaps you should learn to lock the mice cage."
"I did!" he snapped. "She figured out how to unlock it!"
"Well, she's a very clever bird," agreed Crane, smiling at Lenore.
"Then maybe she can be trained not to eat my experiments," retorted Tetch. "I wouldn't mind normally, but the equipment I'm using to mind control them is very expensive, and I can't keep replacing it every time I need a new batch of mice! Since I'm allowing you to stay in my home while you're on the run from authorities, it's really the least you can do."
"Yes, all right," sighed Crane. "No more mice snacks, my beauty," he said, holding up a warning finger to the bird. "We'll buy you some frozen mice from the pet store if you're feeling hungry for rodents. Or just let you attack Batman."
Lenore chirped happily. "I am sorry, Jervis, and of course I'll pay to replace the mice and the equipment," he said, continuing to pet Lenore.
"No, no, that's not necessary," sighed Tetch. "As long as I have your word she won't do it again, that's good enough for me."
A knock came on the front door suddenly. "Are you expecting company?" asked Crane.
"No," said Tetch, slowly. "I wonder who it could be."
He went over to the door and glanced through the peephole. "It's…Harley Quinn," he said, puzzled.
"Harley?" repeated Crane. "What can she want at this time of night?"
He opened the door, and Harley immediately threw herself into his arms, sobbing onto his shoulder. "Oh, Johnny!" she cried. "He's dumped me!"
"Ah…I…see," stammered Crane, as he patted her awkwardly on the back. While ordinarily he would have liked nothing better than for Harley to be hugging him (his feelings for her had long been of a tender nature), her situation made her vulnerable, and he didn't want to do anything that could be misconstrued as him taking advantage of it. Although Harley seemed utterly distraught and past caring at this point, Crane was nothing if not a gentleman.
"Well, come in, my dear, out of the cold," he said, leading her inside. "You must be froz…oh…goodness," he stammered, noticing that her legs were bare under her coat.
"Mr…J kicked me out before I could get dressed," she whispered. "Sorry…"
"No, don't apologize," he said, hastily. "Just come sit over here by the fire, that's right."
"I'll make a nice pot of tea," said Tetch, rushing off to the kitchen.
Lenore fluttered over to perch on Harley's shoulder, nuzzling her cheek. "Hey, birdie," she said, smiling at her. "I'm really sorry to just turn up like this, Johnny, but I knew you'd probably be staying with Jervis, and I didn't know where else to go. It was all so sudden…"
"I understood you usually turn to Poison Ivy in these situations," said Crane, handing her a blanket to wrap around her legs. "Not that I'm complaining…"
"Oh yeah, well…see, Mr. J's dumped me for Catwoman," murmured Harley. "And Red and Selina are friends, so it would've been kinda awkward to stay with her in case Selina showed up."
Crane stared at her. "The Joker is now dating…Catwoman?" he asked.
"Apparently so," agreed Harley. "He just came home and told me outta a clear blue sky. I guess it was kinda a sudden thing. And I can't really blame Selina – Mr. J's a completely irresistible guy."
"What could possibly possess Catwoman to…" began Crane. "I mean…of course it must be devastating for you, my dear, but Catwoman always seemed so enthralled by Batman. The idea that she'd want a man who's the polar opposite of him seems…utterly nonsensical."
"What's nonsensical?" asked Tetch, entering the room carrying a tea tray.
Crane explained the situation as Tetch poured a cup of tea and handed it to Harley. "Milk and sugar, my dear?" he asked.
"Yeah, dump it all in," agreed Harley. "Maybe something a little stronger too, if ya got any of that around here. Ain't alcohol supposed to help with heartbreak?"
"Um…possibly, but I don't keep liquor in my home," said Tetch. "I can go purchase some…"
"Nah, never mind," sighed Harley. "I don't think it'll really help. I don't think anything will."
Tears filled her eyes again, and she wiped them away hurriedly. "Sorry, I…don't wanna break down in front of you guys but…I just miss him so much!" she sobbed, bursting into tears again. "And I don't know what I've done to be replaced with Catwoman! Mr. J…Mr. J said she was hotter than me, and I can't fix that! I dunno how I'm ever gonna get him back! But I gotta get him back, or I'll just die!"
She buried her face in her hands, sobbing loudly. Lenore tried nuzzling her some more, but it didn't seem to help. Crane and Tetch shared a look. "Of course you're welcome to stay here as long as you need…" began Crane, but Tetch cleared his throat loudly, standing up.
"We'll just leave you to have a little cry, my dear, while we have a quick word," he said, patting her on the shoulder. "Come along, Jonathan."
"You don't mean to tell me you are actually going to ignore a damsel in distress?" hissed Crane when they were out of earshot.
"Jonathan, Lord knows I sympathize with Harley," muttered Tetch. "But my home is not some squatting ground for all the supercriminals of Gotham! If either of you were found here, I'd be locked back up in Arkham with the rest of you! I make an exception for you, being my best friend, but I don't want Harley here attracting unnecessary attention! And she will – you know she will! How long before the Joker comes storming over demanding that she come back? There will be a fight, a scene, police…"
"Weren't you listening?" demanded Crane. "The Joker's dumped her for Catwoman! He's hardly likely to come demanding her back, is he?"
"Jonathan, you know what those two are like!" hissed Tetch. "This is probably all some big joke…"
"Harley certainly doesn't consider it a joke, does she?" demanded Crane, gesturing at her sobbing form.
Tetch sighed. "She can stay," he muttered. "But if there is the slightest chance of a scene, she's gone. And I know nothing about her being here, by the way."
"Thank you, Jervis," said Crane. "I'll buy you as many lab mice as you want."
He came back over to Harley. "My dear, why don't you head off to bed?" he asked. "It's late, and you're tired. Things will look better in the morning, I promise."
"I don't think they will, Johnny," she whispered, wiping her eyes. "Not without Mr. J."
"Well, perhaps he'll change his mind soon," said Crane soothingly, leading her down the hall to the spare bedroom. "Now you have my room – I'll be quite comfortable on the couch. And Lenore will watch over you to make sure nobody disturbs you," he said, as the bird flew onto her perch. "Sometimes it's quite a comfort just to have another heartbeat in the room with you."
Harley nodded. "Thanks, Johnny," she whispered. "I dunno how to thank you."
She hugged him tightly. "Goodnight," she whispered, shutting the door.
He returned to the living room, lost in thought, as Tetch poured him a cup of tea. "You realize of course you can't possibly declare yourself," said Tetch bluntly, handing it to him. "She's in such a vulnerable state…"
"My dear Jervis, I had no intention of declaring myself," interrupted Crane, annoyed. "The poor child needs a friend now, not another self-seeking suitor. She had enough of that with the Joker."
He sat down, and then reached for the phone. "Who are you calling?" asked Tetch.
"Poison Ivy," he said. "I wonder if she knows about Joker and Catwoman. And I'm sure she'll have a few choice words to say on the subject once she does..."