By: Comrade Carlin

Disclaimer: All property content in here is not mine.

Chapter 2: 3:00 P.M., December 20, Location: Fairy Tail's Guildhall, Magnolia.

Lucy Heartfilia's day, considering the tiring circumstances, was going rather normally. Well, that is if you define "normally" by the definition used by the majority of Fairy Tail's populace. For those unaware, the easiest explanation of Fairy Tail's definition of "normally" can be found in any prestigious and esteemed thesaurus. Why a thesaurus you ask, well, Fairy Tail's definition of "normally" is in fact the antonym, also known as EXACT OPPOSITE, or the mainstream version of "normally." And as of right now, the guild was living up to this version of the word.

As Lucy tiredly glanced about the guild, she noticed that Elfman was actually actively writing something. Occasionally, Elfman paused his writing, concentrated hard, eerily resembled "The Thinker," and then, with an expression that simply screamed "Eureka," or perhaps, more accurately, "MAN!" hurriedly scribbled down something with gusto. Lucy noted to herself with curiosity as to what Elfman was writing, after all, Elfman doing ANYTHING besides yelling "MAN," getting in fights, and/or giving speeches on what "Real MEN" do was certainly interesting. Before Lucy could think to herself anymore, Elfman jumped to his feet and ran out of the guild.

Just at that exact moment, Juvia happened to plop down at the table occupied by Lucy. "Hello my despised love-rival… uh… Juvia means, good… acquaintance." Juvia forced out, "And how might you be today?"

Lucy, rolling her eyes inwardly at Juvia's continual misunderstandings, responded indifferently that all was well.

"Well that is too bad. Err, Juvia means, fan-tas-tic love-rivaaa… Lucy." Juvia stammered. "Maybe you'd like to join Juvia, Jellal, and Levy?"

Lucy glanced at Juvia, before asking what Juvia and Levy had in mind.

"Well," Juvia stated, "Gajeel called Natsu a stupid, ugly, crazy weakling and Natsu took offence to being called a weakling."

Lucy rolled her eyes yet again at the limited thought process of Natsu.

"Then the fireball Natsu was aiming for Gajeel roasted Erza's strawberry cake." Juvia continued.

Lucy shuddered.

"Then the 13 assassin-like swords Erza threw at Natsu somehow all hit Gray-Sama, in his groin region, when his pants were off, and where Juvia's eyes were totally absolutely NOT ogling every last gorgeous inch of flesh and muscle structure." Juvia quickly affirmed.

Riiiiiight Lucy inwardly thought, and if that statement is true then The Hunger Games series is a timeless classic.

"Anyway," Juvia continued, "Since Juvia is cheering for Gray, Levy is cheering for Gajeel, Jellal is dodging Erza's swords, whilst simultaneously cheering her on whilst also attempting to obtain more strawberry cake, you should come along and cheer on Natsu!"

Lucy glanced at Juvia, and then burst out laughing.

"What is this," Juvia thought, "this was NOT part of the plan. Juvia's Love-Rival… err, Juvia's Colleague Lucy was supposed to smile and declare her love for Natsu whilst going to cheer on Natsu in the fight, thus finally ridding Juvia of one of the most persistent Love-Rivals so that Juvia can finally claim Gray-Sama and his everlasting love!" Yes Constant Reader, Juvia's rambling sound just as insane in thoughts as in actions, but moving back to the action…

"Juvia, I do not know what you are suggesting, but I do not want to cheer on Natsu while dodging flying pieces of furniture, swords, ice shards, and fireballs, good day." At this statement, Lucy departed for home.

"Eep," Juvia thought, this is NOT good for the plan; it's time to move to our back-up plan. Juvia quickly ran to the group of fighters and told them what Lucy's reactions were.

The responses to Lucy's reactions were decidedly not positive. "WHAT!" yelled Gray as he glared at Erza, "so I got 13 swords, SHARP MIGHT I ADD, thrown at my manhood for NOTHING!"

Erza screamed, "AND MY PERFECTLY INNOCENT AND TASTY STRAWBERRY CAKE GOT ROASTED FOR NOTHING AS WELL!" Erza's death glare at Natsu was replied by a timid suggestion from Levy. "Uh, why don't we just move to a back-up plan?"

"That would be perfect," Mira sang out, "And I have just the one." As the group huddled around the bar, Mira brought out an elaborate design. "I call it Operation Blind Logic." Mira proclaimed.

"Juvia is confused," Juvia said, "Why is it called 'Blind Logic?'"

"Because," Mira responded, "We will track down Lucy, knock her out, blind fold her, and ask her who she likes. We will then give her a logical reason to do so."

"As in?" Erza questioned. Mira, grinning evilly said, "We will tell Lucy that there are two crazed pyromaniac of unknown gender and origin behind her, and we will tell Lucy that is she doesn't tell us who she loves, we will set the pyromaniacs loose on her."

Juvia, somewhat shockingly, piped up, "Isn't that overly cruel and painful… even for my detested Love-Rival?"

"Nonsense," Mira laughed, "We will not actually set Lucy on fire, because here is the funny part. Since Lucy is blindfolded, she will not know if she is set on fire or not, so we can say that she is, without actually setting her on fire, and she will believe it!"

"Question," Gajeel retorted, "how in the hell will Lucy think she is on fire when she isn't, I mean you'd have to be dumber than Salamander here to actually believe that."

"That is right," Natsu responded happily, until Natsu actually thought about that statement for a second, "Hey… WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE GAJEEL, I would certainly know if I was on fire, I can control fire!" A collective face palm was felt through all of the members at the bar.

Mira broke the silence by saying, "Well, when Lucy is tied up, we will tell her that we will use flamethrowers that are so hot and scalding that instead of pain, all she will feel is an ice cold sensation. This is because all of her nerves have simultaneously been destroyed and cut off due to the heat's intensity. Thus, when we stick chunks of ice in the guise of flamethrowers to Lucy's skin… she will actually think that her skin was torched! Isn't this funny?"

All those present at the bar were silent, until Erza stated, "How, demonic, fitting I suppose, but what about the smell, sure the feeling part will work, but what of smell. Even if her nerves were cut off, flesh still burns, and smells burnt."

"AH HAH, glad you asked," Mira replied with a devilish grin, "HEY BLU AND RED PYROS, GET OUT HERE AND BRING THE EQUIPMENT!" At Mira's cry two figures carrying large flamethrowers walked over to the bar. These two figures were clad in identical fireproof suits, with the only difference being that one was red and the other blue. They both had flame emblems stitched to their shoulders, and their faces were completely covered by dark black British Mark V Gas Masks. Large oxygen tanks with connective tubing were individually strapped to both of their backs, and they both also had rather sharp-looking axes fastened to their sides. Three incendiary grenades were clamped to a bandolier wrapped around their waists, with bright red flare pistols fastened nearby for good measure. Also, they both wore shiny dark gloves and boots. On the breastplate of one read "Pyrotechnics Expert of The Mercenary Team for Reliable Excavation & Demolition." The other had the words "Pyrotechnics Expert of The Mercenary Team for Builders League United," on the corresponding breastplate. Both figures cheerfully waved and muttered what sounded like, "Hello," although it was hard to tell what exactly the muffled sounds coming out of the gas masks were really saying. The group couldn't even tell the gender of the two strange figures, which, they supposed, fit into Mira's plan just fine. It was then that the group noticed that both Pyros were grasping large slabs of beef in their other hand. "Wait," Levy stated, "are those two going to set those slabs of beef on fire while they are supposedly setting Lucy on fire?"

"Yes," Mira smiled, "And then I will press ice to Lucy's back. She will be so scared and shocked that she will blurt out the person she loves."

"That plan is so stupid that it might actually, completely BACK FIRE AT US!" Levy yelled, "No pun intended."

"And why would you say that?" Mira indignantly gasped, these two professionals are perfectly competent and diligent!"

Ironically, at this moment, the two Pyros saw not a twisted confession love plan, but a field of pixies and cherubs flying and skipping about in a field of lollipops and candy… with a waterfall of chocolate and tea flowing in the background. In both of their arms in this twisted reality were gigantic golden trumpets which, at the pull of the trigger, would release joyous waves of rainbows, paint, and sparkles. These waves would cause the object they hit to dance with joy and gleefully sing out lovely songs. Also, the oxygen packs attached to each of the Pyros' were not such things in this world, for these packs were now a one man band of a music player. The Red Pyro had a music pack which blared out "Do You Believe in Magic" and The Blue Pyro had a music pack which blared out "The Candy Man." Yes Constant Reader, these two… things, for lack of a better word, are completely insane. It didn't help Mira's case that both of these Pyros were glancing off into the distance, with their heads cocked in a 45 degree angle, while they were both humming to the tune of Metallica's Fuel.

"Hey, how about this," Gajeel suggested, "How about we just scare Lucy to a confession in a more psychological way."

"I can't see how pretending to light someone on fire is not psychological." Levy muttered.

Gajeel, ignoring this, said, "How about we just catch Lucy, throw her in the dark woods near Magnolia, and leave a piece of paper on the large boulder in those woods."

Mira, grinning, said, "Wow, I am impressed Gajeel, that plan definitely might work, all we need to do is figure out what to write on the note, and then, catch Lucy and make her find the note, besides, it sounds a hell of a lot cheaper than my plan."

"Cheaper?" Levy inquired.

"Yes," Mira replied, "To get these two Pyromaniacs, I had to pull a LOT of strings. First I had to give sandwiches to two burly Russians men who did not want to part with their teammates that were, quote, 'CREDIT TO TEAM!'"

"Why sandwiches?" Natsu asked.

"Because sandwiches were the only thing that stopped the Russians' girlfriends for attacking me." Mira responded.

"So what, did the Russians' girlfriends threaten to slap you or something?" Natsu snickered.

"No, the "girlfriends" were fully loaded customized mini-guns named "Sasha" and "Natasha," and both of them were about to shoot TONS of bullets my way." Natsu just shuddered.

"Anyways," Mira continued, "Then I had to bribe the Pyros' team medics and doctors in order to release these two pyromaniacs as "unfit for duty," and those medics would not accept jewels. However, they DID take to these weird green pieces of paper that they excitedly called 'MONEY!' But that was not the half of it. Before I could leave, four weird British gentlemen in army and police uniforms accosted me and demanded something along the lines of 'What are you bloody doing with our Firebugs!? We need them to fight the Zeds, specimens, and The Patriarch,' or something like that, it was hard to understand the terms they were using... and their accents. Anyhow, they refused the money, but they had a strong like of these white pieces of paper that they called either 'DOSH!' 'LOADS OF MONEY!' or 'CASH!' AND EVEN THAT IS NOT THE END! These two Pyromaniacs demanded to be paid… in hats, so frankly, Gajeel's plan definitely won't break the bank so I wouldn't mind shelving my plan."

"Hey," Gajeel said, "Can we give MY plan a cool codename too?"

"And why does your plan need a codename Gajeel?" Levy inquired.

"Because I read it in a book," Gajeel proudly boasted, holding up a copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War, "And I must say Shorty, this book malarkey of yours isn't turning out to be so bad after all. Anyways, it says in this book that you must give all plans cool codenames, so I want to call my plan Operation Nimrod Dancer."

Levy politely asked, "Gajeel, it's good that you've taken my advice of reading and all, but are you SURE that is what that book said."

"POSITIVE," Gajeel roared, "And I got this book from a good friend to, he also had a copy of this weird book called the Necrenomica-something-or-another, and plus, he had a chainsaw for an arm, just like me, so I am SURE that his book is both factual and accurate."

That is wrong on SO many levels, Levy thought to herself.

"Well, it is settled then," Mira responded happily, we will use Gajeel's plan, now, we must start planning…"

The intelligible responses that (Information redacted) end there. My sources were unable to glean more information than this; however, (Information Redacted) will come soon. (Information Redacted). More accounts will be complied for this. Farewell, until next time.