Miles.
Why didn't you come and say this to me? I can see you trying to guess whether I've read it yet, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I haven't. If there's ever anything you want to tell me, tell me. Don't write it down.
Because now I've got the job of deciding how to respond. I know I'm contradicting myself by writing back instead of talking to you, but you've made it pretty bloody hard by not being open in the first place so I feel like I have the right to be just as selfish.
You're my best mate too, man. And I'm glad about that too. You think I'm amazing? Well that's a little bit weird, if I'm honest. I'm not amazing. All I have is looks. You have a heart.
Those times are nice, aren't they? I feel like I can relax. I don't know if you notice, but I let my guard down when it's just me and you. It's nice that we can sit in silence and just be. I don't think many people get an opportunity like that with another person. And I'd rather have you around than be on my own. So of course I'm fine with it! Don't you know that? As for your 'drift', I'm not sure that I was getting it, at that point of the letter. But I think I do now.
More time? We'd get fed up of each other, Miles. 'Dangerous' and 'tempted' are two strong words. Am I really that risky? I can completely relax, completely be myself around you. Are you telling me that you can't do the same around me any more? If that's the case, I don't think you're 'fine with that'. I think I'm more 'fine with that' than you are. I wish you'd told me. I've never noticed you getting like that when we're alone. I think you must be blowing it out of proportion. It sounds like I'm making you nervous. You've ruined it now, don't you realise? Next time it's just us two, I'm going to be all tense, worrying that you're nervous, and you're going to be there getting all bothered like you've described because you're getting 'tempted'. It's not going to be the same. I can't believe you'd do that to us, but you have.
I'm not good with words, Miles. I write lyrics that people like. I'm not a fucking romantic.
I don't know what to say to that, it's weird.
How have I not noticed any of this? We're so close; I think I would have bloody noticed if your heart was jumping every time I touched you. Are you sure this is actually happening to you or are you just getting carried away? My eyes and my lips. Seriously? How fucking clichéd do you want to get? Is this supposed to be some kind of fucking high school love letter? If there's one thing I have noticed, it's you staring at my mouth. Which is a bit weird, mate. If you want me to kiss you, you should ask. Or get me drunk and come on to me. Or kiss me first. Or are you too scared about how I'd react? I don't know how I'd fucking react because you haven't fucking tried. And now I don't think you're going to want to, because I'm being a dick, so we'll both always wonder what it might've been like. You've seriously fucked this up, Miles.
I'd be even more pissed off if you hadn't given 'needing a change' as a reason for this. That's fair enough. I can see that. But you still should have come and said it to me. It doesn't make it more romantic by writing it down. If anything, it makes it more risky, because someone could find this.
You're not going to know that I've read your letter until you get this. And I'm not going to know that you've read this, that you know I know, until you do something about it. Don't be a fucking coward. I'm just going to keep on acting as if everything's normal, and I'm perfectly happy to do that for as long as you leave it. So there you go, I won't cut you off. Why would I, you're my best mate! You've made a mess of this but it's not the end of the world. Things might change between us but I'm not going to suddenly start hating you. I'm just pissed off. We can't both 'keep quiet'. Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself, and stop putting yourself down. You're being a right idiot.
Come and fucking talk to me.
Alex.