December Seventeenth
Gary D.
Part II
17th December
Ste stretched his legs out. They were cramped from sitting so long in the chair, waiting. He'd arrived in the early hours, and had been surprised to find the place empty. His calls home had gone unanswered, so eventually, with no other option, he went to bed. Not that he slept much.
He'd lingered for a while in the morning, making several cups of tea as a way of passing the time. Around eleven o'clock he'd gone out for a walk and some fresh air. Several hours later, when he returned, the flat was still empty.
How much time had gone by since then, he wasn't sure. He'd begun to regret his decision to come here. He'd almost made up his mind to return to the station, when he heard footsteps approaching the door of the flat. He sat up in the chair. In the back of his mind, practically ever since it had happened, he'd been trying to work out the best way to explain things. The entire time he'd been locked in that cell, he'd been practicing what he was going to say. 'So much bloody good it's done,' he thought, 'I've still got no idea.' He told himself to keep calm, and start at the beginning. But the slight tremor in his hands and the tapping of his foot betrayed his true state of mind. He was nervous as hell.
2nd December
It was seven o'clock in the morning, time for the centre to open. Ste unlocked the main doors, and welcomed the earlybird swimmers who were waiting outside. He'd already been at work for an hour, and it was going to be a long day. He headed back up the stairs to the main swimming area. His first shift of the day was in the fitness pool, which was always the one that was most busy first thing. He climbed up onto his seat and looked out over the water, smooth and glass-like before the first swimmers got in.
He really enjoyed his job. He'd loved swimming for as long as he could remember, and working at the sports centre was something he'd always wanted. He found it relaxing just to be around water, to hear the splashes and ripples caused by the swimmers. He'd also recently started taking some of the beginners' classes, and when he was teaching the little kids their strokes his passion for swimming shone through.
He also liked his colleagues, which made the job all the better. There were four that he saw every day, all being on the same shifts, and he got on with them all. There were two girls, Louise and Laura, who were both really nice. Very attractive too. Then there was Danny, who was the same age as Ste, and who fancied Louise but hadn't yet asked her out. And finally there was Marc.
Of the four of them, Marc was the one Ste felt least comfortable around. He was nice and friendly, and Ste did get on with him, but some of his behaviour made Ste slightly uneasy.
The thing was, Marc was gay, and clearly had a bit of a thing for him. In itself, that was okay - Ste wasn't bothered. He was aware that he wasn't a bad looking guy, and might even have been secretly pleased that Marc liked him. Marc was certainly a handsome bloke himself. If there hadn't been more to it, he'd have told Jamie, they'd have laughed about it, it would have been fine.
The problem was that Marc made his feelings blatantly obvious. It seemed that every time they spoke he'd make some flirtatious remark, and he was always finding a way to make physical contact with Ste. He did know about Jamie - all his colleagues did, he'd told them in the pub after his first shift that he was gay and with Jamie - but it didn't seem to temper his advances.
Ste looked up as the first swimmer of the day jumped into the pool. Today was going to be long - a double shift. It should have been his weekend off, but the manager had begged him to work. Danny was on holiday and Louise had to go to Newcastle for a funeral, so they were short-staffed. Even though he should have been going up to visit Jamie, he didn't feel he could say no.
He glanced over at the door to the staff office just as it opened. Marc came out, saw Ste and gave him a little wave. Ste smiled and nodded back. Marc headed over to where Ste was sitting.
Marc: Hey Ste
Ste: Hey, hows things?
Marc: All good. Even better cos you're in today.
He said this in a half-jokey half-flirty way, touching Ste's shoulder as he did so. Ste just smiled back, not knowing what else to do.
Marc: So, Laura was saying that your birthday plans have changed, that we're going out on the Friday with you.
Ste: Yeah. Jay can't make it down till the Saturday, so I thought the five of us could maybe go out.
Marc: Sounds good. Shame about Jamie…
His voice didn't really convey much sympathy.
Marc: …. but we'll have a good time.
Ste: Yeah. Maybe Danny will finally manage something with Louise.
Marc laughed.
Marc: Well, after we've had a few drinks, who knows what might happen.
As he said this, he moved round behind Ste and stroked the back of Ste's neck with his hands.
Marc: I'd better head over to the kids' pool before we get in trouble for chatting. See ya later Ste
Ste: Yeah.
Marc walked off, leaving Ste to stare out at the water and hope that the redness in his cheeks faded quickly. It really was getting a bit too much.
17th December
Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Ste sat stock still, listening to the footsteps approaching the door. Nearer and nearer. Ste realised he was holding his breath, and let out a long exhale. 'Mate, calm down,' he told himself, 'getting worked up will just make things harder.'
As they reached the door, the footsteps stopped. 'This is it,' Ste thought. He waited, expecting to hear the sound of keys jangling, and the door being unlocked. But nothing.
He sat there waiting for what seemed like an age. He began to think he must have imagined the footsteps, and he got up from the chair.
As he moved across the room, somewhere outside a church bell was tolling. He'd almost reached the door when all of a sudden he heard the key in the lock. He froze in fright, as the door opened and his eyes locked with Jamie's. Just seeing those beautiful blue eyes, wide with surprise, made Ste want to pull Jamie towards him and hold him, never to let go. 'How has it come to this,' he thought sadly. 'All this grief and hurt, for what?'
Jamie was still just looking at him. The door had swung shut behind him. He looked so lost, standing there soaked to the skin, so vulnerable. 'It's my fault,' Ste thought. 'If only I hadn't had so bloody much to drink…' He'd had so much to drink, in fact, that when he tried to remember his birthday, it was almost a complete haze. He could remember bits, some very vividly, but there were lots of gaps...
15th December
At the flat
They were sitting close together in the centre of the living room. The drinking had just started, with the guys having arrived about half an hour before. Ste was between Danny and Laura, with Louise on the other side of Danny. Marc had yet to arrive – in fact Danny had rung him at his house about fifteen minutes before, and he was now on the way. He only lived a short walk from the Anchor – something he always liked to remind Ste of with a nudge and a suggestive smile.
When Danny got off the phone, he'd passed on Marc's greetings.
Danny: He says he's just heading out the door now, and that you're not to worry as he'll be here soon. Oh yeah, and he says 'happy birthday' and that you'll get your birthday kiss when he gets here.
Ste: Brilliant! That is gonna be the highlight of my day.
Outwardly Ste laughed, along with the others. But inside he felt a bit of trepidation at Marc's arrival. He did like the guy, but he was just so full on. Ste found it difficult sometimes to know how to react to him.
And he was missing Jamie. He was really disappointed that he wasn't able to see him on his birthday. Going out with the guys from work was good, and he was sure they would have a great time, but it wouldn't be the same without Jamie. 'Oh well, we'll just have to make up for it tomorrow night, won't we Jay,' he thought to himself with a little smile.
He turned his attention back to Danny, who was opening a bottle of tequila.
Later, at the flat
It was their third or fourth drinking game. Ste was really enjoying himself. They'd probably be heading out soon, as they had almost exhausted the supply of booze that the guys had brought. The only thing that was ever so slightly spoiling his enjoyment was Marc, and his overtly sexual behaviour. He had positioned himself very close to Ste, and every time Ste got one wrong Marc would not just laugh with everyone else, he'd also find some way to touch him. Ste was constantly being gently shoved, tickled, rubbed...
Danny: Fuzzy Duck
Louise: Ducky Fuzz
Laura: Fuzzy Duck
Ste: Duzzy Fuck... shit
Everyone laughed
Danny: Drink!
Laura: Down it!
Ste gulped down what was left of his drink.
Marc: That's it Stevie-boy. Who says us gay guys can't drink as well as anyone else?
Louise: Nobody. I've never heard anyone say that.
Marc just through a cushion at her, before leaning over and pulling Ste into a playful headlock. In his drunken state, Ste didn't respond very quickly, and let himself be held like that,with his head next to Marc's chest, for a few moments. When he realised what position he was in, he pulled away. He stood up, a little too quickly.
Ste: Right! Boys and girls... let's head out.
As he said this, he lost his balance and fell back onto the couch. They all laughed. Marc leaned down to get him, but Louise was there first, pulling him to his feet.
Louise: Come on then birthday boy, let's go.
Laura: Where are we headed anyway?
Danny: How about Graphite?
Louise: We'll never get in, not with you hopeless drunks.
Marc: How about Republik?
Danny: That's not a gay place is it? I mean you know I'm open to all that jazz, and obviously I love you and Ste, but, well, I just don't fancy being hit on by guys all night.
Ste laughed.
Ste: What makes you think they'd hit on you?
Danny patted his chest, and pointed at his face.
Danny: You've seen this, what other conclusion can you draw. I mean, if I was, Ste, wouldn't you? And if Jamie wasn't there of course.
Ste made an obvious show of checking Danny out.
Ste: Well, I suppose if the alley was dark enough...
Danny: Hey!
Laura: Anyway...
Ste: Right. Well, I say Republik then. I've been with some of the guys from Thamesmead, and they're not that picky about who they let in...
Danny: ... I think we worked that out when you said you went with the Thamesmead lads...
Ste punched him on the arm, and they both laughed. He knew Danny's mock snobbery was just that – mock. Danny had been brought up in similar circumstances to him, on a council estate in Leeds.
Ste: Well it isn't anything special, but it's not a gay club, it plays decent music, and it's not far.
Louise: Done. Let's go.
At Republik
When they got to the club, they somehow managed - by splitting into two groups, and doing their best sober impressions - to all get in. In no time they were dancing away. Danny's luck seemed to finally be in with Louise, as in no time at all they were off in their own little world, dancing together. The large amount of alcohol consumed by both no doubt had a hand in it.
It did however leave Ste with Laura and Marc, which was fine at first. Then Laura disappeared off to the toilet, and it was just him and Marc. Marc moved closer. Ste tried to ease back a little, but Marc was persistent. In the end, Ste gave up trying, and just let Marc dance close to him. Ste was aware that Marc shouldn't be so near to him that he could feel his breath on his neck, but he was drunk, and Marc was so bloody relentless. Thankfully, Laura was soon back.
Later, at Republik
At one point Marc leaned close to him, and said something that Ste couldn't hear because of the music. He indicated this to Marc, who then moved his mouth to Ste's ear.
Marc: I never got round to giving you your birthday kiss earlier...
He pulled back and looked into Ste's eyes, smiling, before moving his lips close to Ste's ear again.
Marc: How about I make up for it now?
As he said this, his lips brushed gently against Ste's ear. Ste felt himself go red. He gently pushed Marc away from him. He shook his head, and indicated that he just wanted to dance. Marc seemed to get the gist, and gave Ste a bit more space.
Satisfied, Ste continued to dance. He closed his eyes a moment, thinking of Jamie. 'Jesus, Jay, how much do I wish it was you here, instead of him,' he thought. Still, the knowledge that he'd see Jamie the next day made him feel better. The rest of the week was going to be so great, he was… suddenly, he felt hands on his waist, tilting him back slightly. He felt someone's lips on his lips, and someone's tongue pushing into his mouth. Marc.
In shock he opened his eyes. Marc pulled back, and Ste straightened up. That's when he saw Jamie. Standing a little bit behind Marc on the right. Their eyes met, the expression on Jamie's face a mixture of surprise and disbelief. Then Jamie turned on his heel and disappeared into the crowd.
Ste, however, just stood there. His head was reeling. Thoughts were cascading round his drunken mind. Marc had just kissed him. The bastard. And Jamie had been there. How did Jamie get there? Jesus, Jamie had seen Marc kiss him. Shit! And now Jamie had gone. Shit, shit, shit!
Suddenly realising what he had to do, he shoved past Marc and began pushing his way through the crowds. It seemed to take forever to make it through the hordes of drunken, dancing people, but eventually he got to the exit. He dashed down the stairs and into the street. He looked both ways, but couldn't see Jamie. He picked one direction and ran to the corner, but no luck. He called Jamie's name. Nothing. He'd lost him.
The frosty night air had somewhat cleared his head. The confusion he'd felt earlier was replaced by other emotions. Anguish at the fact that Jamie had seen Marc kissing him, and worry at what he must be thinking and feeling. Anger at Marc for what he'd done. 'He knew I wasn't interested. He could see I just wanted to fucking dance!' Ste thought. The anger grew as he walked back towards the club. He knew he had to quickly get back to the Anchor and sort things with Jamie. But first, Marc was going to pay for what he'd done. With more and more rage building up inside him, fuelled by alcohol, and thoughts of all the times Marc had overstepped it with his flirting, and of the pain he'd now caused Jamie by seriously crossing the line, Ste headed back inside the club.
17th December
Jamie moved forwards, and Ste reached out to him. But Jamie just shrugged of Ste's approach and brushed past him.
Ste: Jay….
Jamie, now in the living room, turned back to Ste. He looked tired. More than that. Standing there, soaked to the skin, he looked like a man defeated.
Jamie: What're you doing here Ste?
Ste: To see you, Jay. To explain.
Jamie: C hrist, Ste, what is there to explain? I saw it with my own eyes. You thought I wouldn't be there - didn't expect me to catch you - and you were getting with another guy. Seems pretty damn clear to me.
Jamie was getting angry, and his voice was rising. He could feel tears pricking the corner of his eyes. He quickly turned away from Ste, and moved over to the window. He willed himself to calm down, to control himself. When he spoke again, his tone was much more measured.
Jamie: And then - and I think this is probably the worst part - you don't even bother to come home and apologise….
At this point, Ste tried to interupt, but Jamie wouldn't let him.
Jamie: …. I mean, how much of a complete fucking coward do you need to be do that? You knew I'd seen you, you let me run off, and didn't bother to come after me. Then when you do come back - the next fucking afternoon for God's sake, just waltzing in as if nothing was wrong - you still don't come speak to me….
Ste: …. Jay, I tried….
Jamie: …. I waited up all fucking night Ste. All fucking night. Told myself that it was nothing, that'd you'd come home soon, and explain everything. But you didn't, did you. Then Kelly tells me you came back yesterday afternoon. Jesus!
Jamie had come round to where Ste was standing, near the sofa. He had lost his composure again. He suddenly felt immensely weary, as if the energy had been sapped out of him. He slumped down onto the couch, drained.
Jamie: I still can't really believe that you could do that. Get off with someone else, obvously go home with him. For all I know, this isn't a one off thing. But the worse bit is that you clearly care so little for me - I mean, you must have known how much pain I'd be in - that despite me seeing you, you carry on.
He was silent, tears again welling up. Ste looked down at him, anguished by the pain his boyfriend was bearing. Hearing Jamie speak like that, with such sadness, broke his heart. He wanted to make everthing all right, all at once, but he knew he had a lot of explaining to do. He knelt down in front of Jamie, and tried to take his hand, but Jamie wouldn't let him.
Ste: Jay, baby, you have to let me explain. It didn't happen like that at all.
He stood up, went across the room and pulled a chair over, so he was sitting facing Jamie. He took a deep breath. He knew he had to explain this carefully.
Ste: Yes, you saw me kissing a guy. Marc. He works at the sports centre. I've mentioned him, I think. The thing is, he's gay…. and he fancies me.
Jamie: Oh, well then, if he fancies you then….
Ste: …. Jay! Please, just listen.
Ste looked down at his hands for a moment, choosing his next words carefully. When he looked up again, into Jamie's big, blue eyes, slightly puffy from crying, he knew that he had to be frank and honest. That was the only way he could fix this God-awful, stupid situation they were now in.
Ste: Yes, he fancies me. And he makes it very obvious. I told him about you Jay, I told all the guys at the centre. But he still took every opportunity to flirt, make some innuendo, touch me…
Jamie: … Touch you?
Ste: Oh not like that. Just, I don't know, patting me on the back, putting his hand on my shoulder. Suggestive, but nothing more than that.
Jamie: So kissing you is just suggestive is it?
Ste: Of course not, no. That was the first time he'd done anything like that. We'd been at the flat, we'd had a lot to drink….
Jamie: … Jesus, Ste, you're not telling me your gonna try and play the 'I was drunk' card?
Ste: No! Look, I didn't kiss him. He kissed me. Yes, I was drunk. That's why I didn't react as quickly as I would have done otherwise. I was surprised. It's all a bit fuzzy, but I think, yeah, I had my eyes closed, and I suddenly felt him kiss me. As I said, I was a bit slow to push him away, but I did. I pushed him away…. and then I saw you.
Both Jamie and Ste were silent for a moment. Ste was watching Jamie's reaction, and Jamie was absorbing wat Ste had just said. Did he believe Ste, that he had been kissed when he was drunk, that he hadn't tried to kiss this Marc? The answer was clear in Jamie's mind. Yes. Instinctively, without hesitation, his natural reaction was to believe Ste. Ever since this started, he'd never really been able to accept that Ste would or could cheat on him.
But that still didn't explain why Ste hadn't come back that night. If there was an innocent explanation, as Jamie had wanted to believe that there was, then why hadn't he come home? And even when he did come home, yesterday afternoon, why did he still not come get him at Leah's?
He turned to face Ste, and looked deep into those beautiful expressive brown eyes. There was no hint of deceipt in those eyes, Jamie was sure. He also noticed for the first time that Ste's lip was cut, and his nose looked a bit red and swollen. He resisted the urge to touch Ste's face, to ask what had happened. Ste would explain. When he spoke, his tone was much softer.
Jamie: Ok, so he kissed you. But why didn't you come home? You had to know what I was going through that night.
Ste: I know, I did. After I saw you, as soon as I got my wits together, I chased after you. But I lost you.
Jamie was about to speak, but he decided to let Ste continue.
Ste: Obviously I knew you'd have gone back to the Anchor - or at least I'd have gone there to try and look for you - but, well, I got kind of distracted.
Jamie: Distracted?
Ste: I know I should have come to find your straight away - God, we wouldn't be going through this now if I had - but I sort of let my anger get the better of me.
Jamie: What do you mean?
Ste: Well….
16th December
The clock on the wall showed half past two. In the morning. Ste was led over to the desk. The man behind it was writing something, and didn't look up for a moment. When he did, he saw in front of him a young guy with a split lip, a bloody nose and a ripped shirt. The usual. He sighed.
Sgt Reid: Name?
Ste: Steven Pearce.
Ste was still angry. But now his anger was at himself. He'd been so stupid, so bloody stupid, to let his alcohol-fuelled emotions get the better of him. After heading back into the club, he'd sought out Marc. The bastard had the nerve to smile at him. And Ste had punched him. Marc had then hit back, and they were soon on the floor. Marc fought pretty well, although Ste managed to get more blows in. But the fight was short. Before he knew it, big strong arms were roughly pulling Marc and him apart. The bouncers dragged them away from the dance floor. If luck had been on his side, they might just have been chucked out. But as they were being dragged outside there happened to be two policeman on their beat walking by. So now here he was.
The desk sergeant took his details, then told him he'd be spending the night in the cells. When Ste started to speak, the sergeant interupted him.
Sgt Reid: Now look mate. You're spending the rest of the night down below, give you a chance to cool off. You've been co-operative this far, and if that continues we won't be charging you, so this won't go on your record. So if you don't want to be up on a drunken disorderly, you'd best be keeping quiet and do as we say.
Ste, still furious at himself for letting things get to this, and worried about Jamie, knew he had no choice. Resignedly, he let himself be led downstairs to the cells.
17th December
Jamie laughed. Ste had just finished telling him about the 'delicious' breakfast he'd had in the police cell. His laughter, as much as it was due to the fact he found Ste's situation funny, was tinged with relief. 'I knew it,' he thought to himself, 'there was a rational explanation. Didn't expect it to be that, though!'
Jamie: I can't believe it, Ste. You were in jail.
Ste: Yep. Crazy, I know.
He got up from his chair, and sat on the sofa next to Jamie. He nudged him gently as he spoke.
Ste: So, there you are. This whole mess was caused be me, letting my anger get the better of me. Well, that and Marc.
He now put his arm around Jamie, and lightly squeezed.
Ste: I am so, so sorry for putting you through all this. You gotta believe me. I love you so much, and the last thing on earth I want to do is hurt you.
Jamie: I know Ste. I know.
Jamie, who had been sitting still for some time, now allowed himself to sink into Ste's embrace. They were both quiet for a while, contemplating events. Eventually, Jamie spoke.
Jamie: I can't believe I let things get so blown out of proportion. I mean, if I hadn't run away immdeiately, I would have seen that you hadn't been kissing this guy Marc. And you'd have been able to explain.
He sighed.
Jamie: Looking back, it all seems ridiculous. I know that you would never try to hurt me. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. So why did I let myself forget that so easily, and listen to my worst fears.
Ste: It's perfectly understandable Jay. I mean, you saw - or believed you saw - me getting off with another guy. Then I didn't come home that night. It's no wonder your mind leapt to those possibilities.
Jamie: I suppose Ste.
He thought for a moment.
Jamie: It was really the next day, at Leah's, that I started imagining the worse. Especially when I'd heard you came back to the flat, and went out again without getting in touch.
Ste: I didn't know you were there, Jay. I came straight from the police station. You weren't in the flat, and I came down and asked Kelly, and she'd said you'd gone back to Edinburgh. So I came here.
Jamie: I left a note on the table by the door. Didn't you see it?
Ste: No…
He thought back. Then he gave a half-chuckle.
Ste: Just as I was getting back to the pub, there was a delivery van pulling away. And when I got to the flat, Kelly was just coming out. She'd let herself in to put a big parcel in the flat. I glanced at it as I left. It was from that garden centre, the one your mum told us about a couple weekends back.
Jamie: Yeah, she said on the phone… oh, it was that reindeer model, wasn't it.
Ste: That's my guess. Was about this high….
He indicated the size of the box.
Ste: And covererd the entire hall table.
Jamie: Including my note.
Ste: Looks likely.
Jamie: Bloody hell. So, in addition to Marc being to blame for kissing you…
Ste: … and in general being a prick…
Jamie: …. and being a prick, you are to blame for hitting him - although, I've thought about it, and I'm very glad you did. Proud in fact.
Ste affected surprise.
Ste: What? You, condoning violence?
Jamie: Only when it's being done against bastards who kiss my boyfriend. So as well as Marc, and you, it was partly my fault for running away before you could explain. And, finally, my mum's tacky Christmas reindeer shoulders some of the blame.
Ste: That's a bit unfair, it didn't know that it was doing anything wrong.
Jamie: Being inanimate is no excuse Ste.
They were both smiling, and Jamie suddenly leaned and gave Ste a kiss. Jamie started to put his arms round Ste, when Ste gave a yelp.
Ste: Your clothes are all soaking and freezing Jay!
It was only now that Jamie seemed to realise this, and he immediately noticed that he was frozen stiff.
Jamie: Jesus, Ste, so I am.
Ste: C'mon, get up. Let's get you undressed.
He stood, and pulled Jamie up, leading him by the hand to the bedroom. Needless to say, what went on didn't just begin and end with Jamie changing clothes.
18th December
Ste woke up as the train was about 15 minutes from London. He turned to Jamie, who was reading. When Jamie noticed that Ste had woken, he took off his glasses and smiled at him.
Jamie: You must have been tired, you slept almost the whole way.
Ste grinned, and was about to speak, when Jamie interupted. Glancing at the old lady opposite, he spoke quietly.
Jamie: No, no, it's ok, you don't need to say it out loud and embarrass me. I know you didn't get any sleep last night.
Ste: I wasn't going to say that.
Jamie: Yes you were.
Ste: Well, ok, I was.
Jamie: I can read you like a book my friend.
Ste laughed.
Ste: Aside from me, what was that you were reading?
Jamie picked up the book and showed him - 'Alexander of Macedon - A Historical Biography'.
Jamie: It's for my history class.
Ste: That the one with the Weetos guy?
Jamie: Yeah, Smith. Still got that test to look forward to.
Ste: I'll help you study, don't worry.
Jamie looked at him with raised eyebrows.
Jamie: I think, over the time we've been together, we've learned that when it comes to my studying, you are a bit more of a distraction than a help. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Ste: Fine then. I wouldn't be much help with history anyway. Now if you'd done human biology on the other hand…
Jamie rolled his eyes, as Ste grinned.
Ste: … then I'd be your man.
Jamie: Well, maybe I can pick that up next term.
Ste: You should. Human Biology, with a special focus on the 19 year old male form. If you did that, revising for it would hardly seem like a chore at all!
They both laughed. As the train neared the station, the old woman opposite got up and moved towards the doors. They were alone at the end of the carriage. Ste looked deeply into Jamie's eyes.
Ste: It's been a crazy few days, eh Jay.
Jamie: And then some.
Ste: I'm glad we got it all totally sorted in the end.
Jamie: Me too.
He leaned over and kissed Ste. Nothing too wild and passionate - they were on a train, after all - but with real feeling, and tenderness. And love.