As I slowed my pace reaching the house, I saw Jasper and the rest of siblings. Jasper was totally in control of himself, but he was sobbing loudly and his thoughts were still indecipherable. He was extremely upset because of what he did. This wasn't his fault, though, it was mine. Alice was the first to see me and came up to me right away. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper stared after her, knowing what was coming. Emmett's face was sad.
I knew what I was in for with Alice. But I would take it. I would take any amount of anger, pain, or punishment for Bella. For the benefit of the rest of the family, Alice spoke out loud.
"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen!" she said loudly and looked back to the house. Whoops. Sorry, too loud. "Edward, what do you think you're doing? Or going to do? Are you kidding me? You can't do this to me! You can't do this to the rest of the family! More importantly, how can you do this to yourself or Bella?" She said this all in an intense whisper. As she said Bella's name, pain reverberated throughout my body. "She's my sister and my best friend! She's Esme's daughter! Do you have any idea the pain that you're going to cause this family or yourself? Not to mention the pain that Bella will be in! I swear," I cut her off then.
"Alice, stop. I can't deal with this right now. I must take Bella home," I said looking down in shame. "Please. We'll talk about this later tonight."
"Whatever, Edward. But if you think that I'm letting you go through with this, you clearly aren't reading my mind. I will not lose my best friend and my sister." She turned back to Jasper, who was watching me with an apologetic expression and pleading eyes. Edward, I am so sorry. You don't even know. I… I…" His thoughts were then concentrating on his sobs, but I got the message.
I started my walk to the house again and noticed Emmett sitting on a boulder near the dirt path to the house with Rosalie standing behind him. I'm going to miss her. Funny Bella… funny Bella. He saw me in his line of sight and tried to change his thoughts to keep me out. I wonder if Rose will be up for anything tonight. She'll probably be celebrating- I mean, uh, sorry Edward. I just can't think of anything else right now. Ignore me. He was actually being sensitive for once. I rethought leaving, but blocked those thoughts out. I knew what I had to do.
As I walked into the house, I heard Carlisle talking to Bella about me. "I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." Where is he? I saw Bella through his mind and she smiled at him. Her right shoulder was pink with blood and her arm was sewn and bandaged. I regretted leaving. I felt so weak for leaving her when she needed help. "I suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle said as the conversation ended. No way was he taking her home. I had to detach myself as soon as possible. I prepared my expression and put on a façade.
"I'll do that." I walked slowly from the darkness of the dining room, hoping that there was nothing to read on my face. I was trying extremely hard to keep up the façade as I saw sadness spread across Bella's face. Edward? How's Jasper? Are you okay? What's going on? I ignored his thoughts, knowing that emotion might break through my face talking about those topics.
"Carlisle can take me," she said. There was unease in her voice and I took advantage of the time it took for her to look down at her shirt. I grimaced but remembered my… mission.
"I'm fine." My voice was detached. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look," I suppressed a smile. "I'll have Alice get you something." I walked out of the kitchen door. I couldn't take this anymore. I walked toward Alice but listened to Bella and Carlisle.
"He's very upset," Bella said with an anxious look on her face.
"Yes," Carlisle agreed with a short nod. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are." He thought of the way I acted and weakly thought that we might be leaving. Weakly, because he didn't want to leave. I grimaced and sighed. What else does he expect us to do?
"It's not his fault," Bella said. I almost turned around and disagreed with her. How could she think that? Is she insane? I suddenly remembered another time when I thought she was crazy. Back when she told me that the fact that I wasn't human didn't matter to her. My heart felt as if it weren't just frozen, but as if a hammer slammed down on it and cracked it right down the center. I loved her so much and she loved me back. She loved me back. I was breaking her heart. She would forget, she would forget.
"It's not yours, either," Carlisle said back. Of course it wasn't her fault. She would think so. She always thought so. She was so selfless. And, right on time, Bella looked away from Carlisle. She disagreed with him. Of course she did! Sometimes her selflessness was so… ugh! She really can't think this was her fault! What goes through that guarded mind of hers? How I longed to know. But I know I never will; even if I stayed with her…
I hadn't noticed that I had stopped walking. I ran over to Alice and mumbled for her to find clothes for Bella. She tried to persuade me again. Edward, please, please, please don't do this! I had a feeling that this would last for a very long time.
"Alice, enough. We will talk about this later," I snapped at her. We walked back toward the house. I heard Carlisle and Esme chuckling as I walked through the back door with Alice. I kept my expression indecipherable and hung back as Alice ran to Bella's side. Esme looked toward me. Oh Edward! Jasper is so sorry! Don't leave! I ignored her thoughts and concentrated on keeping my expression from leaking emotion. I would talk to them later.
"C'mon. I'll get you something less macabre to wear," Alice said. I strode over to the front door to wait for them to come back down.
"Edward? What's going on?" Esme was beginning to sob. I looked over at Carlisle with bewildered eyes.
"We will talk about this later Esme. Right now, Bella needs to get home. And Edward, please think about what you're going to do. If we need to leave, we will. It has been done before. For other reasons, but we must do what's best for each other," Carlisle said.
I nodded at him. "Thank you, Carlisle. I will be back later tonight to speak about this," I said with gratitude. I heard Bella talking as she neared the stairwell.
"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?" She was talking about Jasper. Again, selfless.
"Of course," Alice said with the slightest of sadness leaking into her voice. She had obviously heard the conversation between Carlisle, Esme, and I.
They started down the stairs and I quickly put on my façade. Bella stared at me with worry in her eyes. I opened the door for her without a word. I didn't know if I was able to speak to her without my feelings leaking out.
"Take your things!" Alice called after her as Bella walked toward me. She grabbed the presents and placed them into Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them." If I ever see you again… Alice added on just for me. Does she think that I haven't thought about that? About her and everyone else? How else am I supposed to keep her safe? I constantly save her. But I save her from what I have caused to happen in her life. If I leave, she can be happy. Maybe not at first, but she'll get happy. How many boys in school desperately and secretly coveted her again? Too many to count- even with the small population of students that existed. She'll be better off without me and with some other guy. Yet again, agony rippled throughout my entire body and wrecked my heart.
I hadn't even heard the goodbyes that were exchanged as we left the house and walked toward the car. I did, however, notice the glances that were aimed at me and also the glares from Rosalie by the side of the house. I walked next to Bella without looking at her or saying a word. We got to the car and I opened the passenger door for her. She slid in without complaint. As I ran to the other side of the car I saw her rip the red ribbon from her stereo and throw it to the floor. I sat down in the driver's seat and she kicked the ribbon beneath her seat.
I didn't look at her. I just looked straight ahead. I turned the key to start her ancient car and the engine roared loudly. It was pure silence as I drove down the dark lane toward the freeway, even with the engine as loud as it was. I didn't know what to say. What do I say to the love of my life who I would be leaving within the week? Again with the pain. It seemed to get worse every time it found me. I was staying detached. Detached, detached, detached.
"Say something," Bella begged just as I turned onto the freeway. That almost made me want to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. I almost changed my mind. I saw it for a second and I'm sure that Alice did too. I shouldn't get her hopes up. I crushed the thought and remained detached.
"What do you want me to say?" I said. I sounded so harsh. Bella, I love you and I will always love you for my entire existence. I'm only leaving you so that you can be safe. I almost said it out loud. No. I don't, I can't want her to know that when I was trying to leave her.
She cringed at my words. I'm sorry Bella. I am so sorry. She spoke again. "Tell me you forgive me." What?! I couldn't stay detached anymore at this moment. Anger was plastered on my face.
"Forgive you? For what?" I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. She is being absolutely ridiculous.
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened." Is she kidding me?
I said the words that I had previous thought as I was in the words. "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly deserves the death penalty."
"It's still my fault," she stated as I began to fume.
"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own- without someone throwing you into them- even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up- and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't you take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." And I was disgusted. I was so disgusted that I was leaving her. I was leaving my heaven, my angel.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" She demanded with her kitten fury. She said his name with disgust and that made me feel the slightest, smallest, most insignificant feeling of pleasure. I pushed it aside and kept up with the argument.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because he would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled. I felt like crying right now. But I know I have to be detached. And this is all true, too.
I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she disagreed. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." My heart filled with happiness and I almost changed my mind. No. She's overreacting. She can live without me. She'll have to. And if she doesn't, then I won't either.
"Don't be melodramatic, please." I can't have her saying things like this or I'll never be able to leave.
"Well, then, don't be ridiculous," she shot back at me. How am I supposed to respond to that? To her, it was ridiculous to be with anyone but me. I felt the same way about her. Yet, I was leaving her. I was practically forcing her to be with someone other than me and she would have to deal with it.
It was quite the rest of the way and I was thinking of what I was supposed to say to her when I left her and how I would do it. Impossible. That was the only way to describe this… mission. And I was angry. Angry at myself for endangering her and angry at myself for having to leave her. Angry at the force in the world controls love. I was just downright angry.
We arrived at her house and I turned off the engine, but I kept my hands clenched on the steering wheel.
She spoke up. "Will you stay tonight?" Oh how much I wanted to stay. But I was detaching myself and my family was waiting for me.
"I should go home."
"For my birthday," she pressed.
"You can't have it both ways- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other," I said hoping for her to leave me be. I was having a hard time keeping up my façade. Every harsh word I said felt like I slapped her in the face. That's why I lightened my voice the slightest bit when I spoke before.
She sighed and that sigh was full of relief. It shouldn't be. "Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs," she said. She got out of the car and grabbed her presents. She doesn't want those. She shouldn't take them. I frowned.
"You don't have to take those," I said with the frown still on my face.
"I want them," she said immediately.
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."
"I'll live," she said as she tucked the presents under her good arm. She slammed the door and I kept pace with her right away.
"Let me carry them at least." I took the presents from her good arm. "I'll be in your room."
She smiled. "Thanks."
"Happy birthday," I sighed and leaned down to kiss her. As I pulled away, she stretched up onto her toes to make the kiss last longer. I smiled. I would miss that. Always trying to test my boundaries. I turned and walked toward the darkness and her bedroom window, leaving her behind. I would have to get used to that. Except right now I would be seeing her in a few short minutes. Tonight I would be leaving her as soon as she slept to speak with my family. But I wanted to hear her thoughts before her left. Her thoughts that were so frequently revealed to me as she talked in her sleep.
I scaled the wall beneath her window and sat in the center of her bed.