Really sorry this took so long! It's a funny chapter, though, so maybe that'll make up for it...
The next morning, Sméagol says that they must go on.
We walks through the Forest of Pine-Pricks (we named it ourselves, we did). The
hobbitses got pricked so many times with sharp pine-needles. Sméagol got pricked the
first time we went in. The trees reached out and grabbed us, Precious! Now we know
where the sharp needles are and we goes around those, yes, Precious.
We and the hobbitses gets through the forest quickly. Then we crosses the Drowning
River. (We named that one, too.) We swims through it, but the hobbitses are chickens.
"Come, hobbitses!" We shouts over the roaring waters. "Must come quickly, or the
river will knock you off your feetses!"
The fat one says something to Master, then slowly walks in the water. He walks a few
feet, then stops and turns to Master.
"It's alright, Mr. Frodo!" He shouts. "The water appears to be exactly seventy-three
point five degrees! And it's not going very fast either. Shall I explain why?" Without
waiting for an answer, the fat one bursts into an explanation. "You see, when it's
summer, the ground is dry, and therefore will soak up more water. So the loughs and
rivulets (that's lakes and streams to all you non-wise folk out there) won't have as much
water. Shall I explain the evaporation process as well? You see, most people don't think
that the evaporation process has anything to do with why the rivulets are so dry, but I
highly disagree. You see, if the evapor-"
"Enough with the evaporation whatever!" yells Master, who has been standing on the
shore, clutching a tree and looking sick. "I can't have people talk about science around
me. I get sick whenever anyone so much as mentions science. And you just went into a
big scientific explanation…" Master starts to look green. Then he suddenly has all his
wits about him. He cocks an eyebrow at the fat one. "Where did you learn all that foolish
scientific nonsense, Sam?"
The fat one blushes. "Well, sir, Rosie Cotton's been learnin me some proper
scientific explanations. Actually, it's much more than science. There's quite a bit of math
in there too. You see-"
Master covers his ears. "Math! Augh! I feel as though I may pass out…"
The fat one looks panicked. "What should I do?!"
"Talk about something…non-scientific…" Master wheezes. He coughs. "Maybe then
I'll be…alright…"
"Something non-scientific! Right! Uh… do you have any idea how florets (flowers to
all you non-gardeners out there) grow? It's quite simple really. You see, you dig a hole
approximately three and one-quarter inches deep, then you place the bulb in. Then you
cover the bulb with exactly five-point seven ounces of soil." He looks closely at Master.
"Got that, Mr. Frodo? Five-point seven ounces. Not an ounce more or less."
"Of course Sam. Five-point…" Master faints and falls to the ground.
The fat one stares. "He's really done it! He's really gone and fainted! Mr. Frodo? Are
you alright? If it will help and it pleases you I will resume my meaningful pep-talk. No it
won't help? Huh." He plops down on a rock. "I thought for sure it'd work. That's what
me ol' gaffer used to say to me: 'Iffins one of yer friends faints, young Samwise, you just
start a pep-talk on how to plant flowers. They'll be so interested, they'll be up in a jiffy' "
Master wakes up. "Sam? I had a horrible dream. You were talking nonsense about
flowers, and streams. You called them something else, only I don't remember what." He
looks expectantly at the fat one. "Where were we?"
"Well, sir, I was about to tell you if the water was deep or not."
"Oh. Then please, " Master waves his hand. "By all means. Resume."
"Oh. Alright, then."
The fat one clears his throat. "It's alright, Mr. Frodo! It's not very deep-"
Just then, the fat hobbit disappears under the water.
"Sam!" Master yells with a frantic look in his eyeballs.
Then he dives in the water as the other hobbit comes to the top.
"Help! Help Mr. Frodo! I can't swim!"
"Hang on Sam! I'm coming!"
The Master tries to swim over to him, but the current sweeps him away, never to be
seen again.
"Sammmmmm…"
We hears a splash and an "Aughhhh!" and we knows he has gone over the waterfall.
The fat hobbit looks shocked. "Mr. Frodo!" He wails. "I'm coming! I'll save you!
Aughhhh!"
With that, the nutty hobbit leaps over the falls after poor Master.
Gollum looks at the falls thoughtfully for a minute, then says, "Weeses didn't even
have to bring them to her. We gets rid of them fine and dandy on our own."
"Stop it!" Sméagol sobs. "Master was nice hobbit! Now Master is gone!"
"Ah, but love, now we can get our birthday present back. It's rightfully ours."
Sméagol stops weeping. "Our…birthday…present. Yes, yes, weeses forgot all about
our birthday present!"
"Let's go to the bottom of the falls, and get it back! Before anyone else finds it!"
"Yes, yes, Precious!"
With that, we leaps from rock to rock down the side of the falls.