When Garrus woke up the second time, he simply got up and walked out of the med bay. Dr. Chakwas watched him go and didn't bother to challenge him. She also didn't bother to mention that he was still notably limping, or that there was a trickle of fresh blood seeping out through the armor he still wore. The sidelong look he gave her as he left was enough to freeze her protestations in her throat. If he collapsed at his station, she'd be there to pick up the pieces. But there was little else she could do now.
He went straight to the main battery. Not that there was much to work on at the moment, the guns being the least of their worries. But that was one of the most attractive parts about it. No one would be there rewiring components or replacing shield plating. And it was home. It felt safer and more familiar to him than almost any other part of the ship.
When the Normandy had been running and everything had been normal, Garrus had slept in the crew quarters with everyone else. But when things had started getting bad, towards the end, he'd set up a small cot in the main battery so he never had to stop working. He'd slipped into catnaps every sixteen hours or so, and then been able to go right back to work, no distractions.
He was surprised to find his cot still there. Somehow he'd imagined that someone would have moved it, maybe trying to bring the Normandy back up to regulations. Seeing it reminded him of those worried, sleepless nights and days, leading up to Earth, and it made him wince.
Still, after staring at the dead console in front of him for several minutes, he found it an enormous relief to gingerly lay himself down and curl up under his meager blanket. He supposed he'd have to take his armor off at some point. He could already feel the dried blood sticking uncomfortably and knew that peeling the pieces off was going to hurt more the longer he waited. But he just couldn't find the will to get up.
He stared for a long time into the relative dark of the room, listening to the silence that was punctuated every now and again, by the clang of some repair or the voices of the crew. He wondered how long it would be before they came looking for him, or if they would just let him be.
I'm really not a very good turian, he thought, knowing that he needed to report for duty, to lend his efforts to the repairs and whatever else his commanding officer told him to do. That was what a soldier did. Followed orders. And right now, he just didn't care. Let them find him if they wanted to. Maybe then he'd get up. But until then he preferred to drift in the quiet.
"Have you seen Garrus lately?"
Liara's voice cut through Kaidan's reverie like a knife. He set his drink down and turned to look at her. "No. Honestly, I've been avoiding him. I don't think he likes me very much right now." He took another sip of his whiskey and looked out the window. Somehow he expected to see stars drifting by, and was taken by surprise when he saw only green foliage draped in silver moonlight.
"Have you?" He asked.
She sat down. "No," she admitted. "I think he's hidden himself away in the main battery. At least, that's the last time anyone seems to have seen him. I'm beginning to think that someone should go talk to him, make sure he's alright..." She let the sentence hang, her eyes sending the rest of the message loud and clear. It should be you.
He said it for her. "I suppose it should be me. I'm the commanding officer now, right? Or so everyone says. I should talk to him." He heaved a sigh that broke somewhere in the middle. "I just...I know that Shepard would march in there and she would know just what to say to make everything right. Even about her own death, I feel like she would have had a speech prepared...And I've got nothing." He looked hopelessly up at Liara, the alcohol sloshing noisily in his glass. "I can't pretend to be her, Liara. I'm not...I don't know what to do."
To avoid her gaze, he took another sip of his drink. "I'm beginning to think you're a little drunk, Commander," she said, letting some humor gentle her tone.
"So?" Kaidan said defiantly, slamming his glass down. "I'm not on duty and everyone else is asleep, and also..no I'm not!" And then, more softly. "And I wish you wouldn't call me that."
"It's your title now, Kaidan," she reminded him gently. "You've earned it. I know it feels like we're asking you to replace her, but no one can do that. And we don't expect you to. We all miss her, but right now we need a leader. Someone to hold us all together." She placed her hand on his arm and smiled. "And I think you're doing a great job of it." She laughed a little. "Not including right now."
To her delight, he laughed a little too. "I guess maybe I am a little drunk," he said. "But I'm allowed, right? Can't a man enjoy a little whiskey after his shift?"
"You tell me, Commander."
He brightened. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you join me, Liara? Have a drink with your new Commander."
She got up to leave. "I don't know if that's a good idea right now, Kaidan. I...well, let's just say that I'm not in the right frame of mind for alcohol right now. I'm going to bed." She laid a hand on his shoulder. "Don't stay in here too long, alright? We need you to be ready in the morning."
He looked out the window again, at the strange yet familiar plants crowding around their crashed ship. "Huh," he mused to himself. "It's been a long time since I've been somewhere where there's a real morning." He looked up, but Liara was already gone.
It was a couple of drinks later when he remembered what he and Liara had talked about, and decided that it was time to act. He grabbed his bottle of whiskey and a bottle of ryncol and headed to the main battery.
Garrus was still awake when the door to the main battery slid open. He had no idea how long ago it had been that he'd dragged himself out of the med bay, but from the stiffness in his joints as he sat up, it had been long hours.
He blinked as the lights brightened in response to the movement. He blinked again as his eyes focused on the man in the doorway. "Alenko?" He asked, somewhat stunned. "What time is it?" He snorted as the scent of alcohol assailed his sensitive turian senses. Then, "Are you drunk?"
Kaidan laughed. "Yes, late, and yes. I was hoping you'd want to join me. Liara was being a party pooper." He held out the bottle of ryncol in his left hand, swigging from the bottle of whiskey in his right. "This is what you guys drink, right? If it's not, I'm willing to share my whiskey, even if it is the last bottle on the ship."
Garrus was, for the first time in a long time, speechless. He hadn't seen a human this drunk since his C-sec days, and he certainly had never expected this behavior from Alenko of all people. Joker, maybe, definitely James, but Major Kaidan Alenko, Spectre and newly appointed Commander of the Normandy?
He stared at the bottle of ryncol for what seemed like a long time. Fuck it. He grabbed the bottle by the neck, popped the top off and took a long swig.
Kaidan broke into a huge smile. "There we go. This is much more fun with a partner."
Garrus took another drink. He could already feel the warming effects as the ryncol suffused his blood stream. He didn't remember being so much of a lightweight, but then, he also couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything. He slid over on his cot. "Sit down before you fall down, Commander." He couldn't help the sarcasm on the last word, just like he couldn't help how much it hurt when the word left his mouth. Not Shepard.
Kaidan sat down clumsily. "Hey. You don't have to be a prick about it."
Garrus ignored him. "So Liara turned you down, huh?"
"Yeah," Kaidan said, leaning back against the wall. "She said she wasn't in the "right frame of mind" or something. Pfft. She was being very...stick-up-her-ass-y. Like how you used to be."
Garrus turned and glared at Kaidan. For a full minute they held each other's gazes, neither one blinking. Finally Garrus took a drink from his bottle. "Yeah. I guess you're right about that."
Kaidan smiled. "She had that effect on a lot of people I think." He sighed. "I miss her, Garrus."
Garrus blinked. He was not prepared for this. If there was one topic he did not want to discuss, and one person he did not want to discuss it with, it was Shepard, with Kaidan.
"Fuck, Alenko." He looked away. He didn't want to see the tears building in the kid's eyes, and was immeasurably grateful for the turian physiology that kept his inner emotions safe. At least from untrained human eyes.
"I know. I know you probably don't want to talk about it, I know that's probably why you've been hiding in here all day, but...I mean, you of all people get it. You know..." He trailed off, unsure how to finish his sentence. To compensate, he took a drink. The room was beginning to spin in a very disorienting way.
Garrus sighed. "She loved you first, you know," he said, hating himself for staying in this ludicrous and painful conversation. The whole time we were chasing Saren...she talked about you all the time. And on Virmire..."
Kaidan put a hand to his forehead. "Please don't talk about Virmire. I know...it's my fault Ashley's dead. It should have been me. And I can't help but wonder if she regretted that choice. You know, after things...between us fell apart. I...it tears me up inside that I can't be with her." His voice cracked, and Garrus could see the tears running freely down his cheeks now. Spirits, he loathed this conversation.
Now he was picturing the two of them together, and remembering it all, everything. The way they'd held hands when they thought no one was looking, the deep, meaningful looks between them, and how on Ilos they'd reeked of each other... How could he say that he'd loved her then, too? He'd been so ashamed, so confused about his feelings, not only for a superior officer, but for an alien superior officer, a human at that, and he'd always liked to think of himself as open-minded but he'd never been prepared for this, the lust for her that had caught him off guard, or the jealousy that nearly knocked him off his feet when he'd seen what was going on between her and Kaidan. If he hadn't been so...so fucking nervous, and awkward, and certain that she'd reject him...
He tried to say something to Kaidan, but his tongue didn't seem to want to move. He drank instead.
Kaidan shook his head, as if to clear the memories away. "I'm sorry, Garrus. You're probably the wrong person to say this to. Thank you, for listening to me, for helping me remember. But she did choose you, in the end. She loved you, even to that very last moment. We should...we should be honoring her memory, moving on with our lives. And I guess, the real reason I came down here was to tell you that I understand. I know it hurts. And I'm here, if you need me. Not just as your commanding officer, but as your friend too, I'd like to think. We're going to be okay," he said, and put his hand on Garrus's shoulder.
The turian flinched at first, then relaxed. He had to admit to himself that he was surprised at how quickly Kaidan had pulled himself together, how eloquent he had managed to be despite how drunk they both were. He rumbled approvingly deep in his chest. "You're better at being a commander than you think you are, Alenko."
Kaidan gave him a self-deprecating half-smile. "Thanks, Vakarian. I'm going to go now. Try to get some actual sleep."
And he left. Garrus watched him go, and then curled back up on his cot and prayed desperately that he wouldn't dream.
A/N: So thanks again to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I hope this one lives up to your expectations. Updating will be slow (probably nonexistent) over the weekend, but I made this chapter extra long to compensate. :)