I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
Warning: None as of yet.
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Sending a smile his kids way Deeks started to clean up the kitchen table knowing that Callen had everything under control. At least he hoped he did. Sometimes the older man was a bit of a pushover when it came to Isabelle and Wesley.
He knew that it came from how the man's childhood had been, but it was too easy for him to get caught up being the good guy instead of their parent. Deeks did not want to think of how many arguments had been started because of that.
It was the same hole that he fell into sometimes. He also knew that he couldn't just let his kids walk all over him. There were already too many bratty kids in the world. There was no way in hell he was going to let that happen to his own.
Even after eleven years and two kids it was a bit of a learning curve trying to figure out the right punishments for crimes or just figuring out what each of them needed. Because of course neither of them were anything alike.
He loved his kids. He really did. Sometimes though he wanted to bash his head into a wall. Usually when they had a day off of school and wanted to go out into the town. It felt like the big city he knew had shrunk down to four or five places.
There was the zoo that they went to at least once a month for Isabelle. She had been on a kick for the past few months about being a zoologist. Ever since her dear Uncle Eric bought her a subscription to some animal magazine for kids.
He had figured out that there was in fact a number of times you could go to the zoo before it just got a bit boring. She could probably tell him more about the animals than the zookeepers there could.
Then they had they mall. Wesley just loved going to the mall. Not to shop mind you, but to play. His favorite game currently was going into a store and seeing who could make the most ridiculous outfit.
Deeks had never known just how bad some clothes were. It was amazing the type of things they sold. So much glitter and sparkles. It was a good thing that he had a strong stomach or he'd probably throw up after some of the things they created.
After that they had the beach, a bookstore, and a few restaurants, but that was pretty much it. That was his life in a barrel. Not that he was complaining or anything. He was just trying to figure out which one of those things they were going to be doing that day.
And they would be doing one of them. Especially knowing that Callen was home with them. It was a bit of a tradition if all four of them were home on a Saturday. Something that didn't happen all that often.
It was a good tradition though. One that he enjoyed. The day started with Callen making banana nut pancakes for breakfast. It was one of the few meals that he could make. Cooking was not on the list of special skills the agent had in his repertoire.
After that they'd all get dressed and get in the car. Then came the argument about where to go. It always came down to the tie breaker. D.D. Nothing like having a dog that understood nothing about what was going on decide what they were doing that day.
He didn't mind all that much though. Not when he got to watch both of his children faces light up when she picked a place. And she did. Right hand for one place, left hand for the other and, of course, falling asleep for staying at home. She never fell asleep. No matter how many treats she was bribed with.
Which was exactly what he wanted to do at the moment. He had too much on his mind to be any fun around and he hated thinking that he was going to ruin their day together. It wasn't an excuse he could use though.
They were his family and they were together. He couldn't break tradition unless he or one of them was sick. No, he was going to have to suck it up and push the thoughts away. Anyway, he'd have all of tomorrow to think about everything.
A sigh fell from his lips at that. For years his life had been fairly simple to figure out. All he was was the father of two children. It wasn't always the easiest thing to do, but there was a set schedule. No real curve balls came his way. He knew what he was doing.
He hadn't realized just how set his life had become. He always knew what was going to happen that day and already had it planned out. Get the kids up and fed and off to school. Take care of whatever need be around the house until kids come up. Make sure they do their homework and eat dinner. Then bed. Perfect routine.
That was not something that he had ever thought would describe his life. For a long time he did everything he could just so he didn't get stuck in a routine. To him it was one of the worst words that he could be described as.
Now though… A part of him liked it that way. It wasn't as if he suddenly didn't like excitement, but he couldn't really do what he used to anymore. He had had his career violently taken from him and he had to be okay with that.
Anyway, when this all started he was about to have a child. It had just made perfect sense for him to be a full time parent. Then they had Wesley and the routine had continued without him giving it any real thought.
It never occurred to him to think of his life they were in school. That there was going to be a time when he didn't have to be in the house taking care of someone. That he could go out into the world and find out who he was outside of being a parent.
It seemed strange now that he thought about it, but after he lost his hearing and had learned to live with that he had become a parent. There was no time between those two for him to figure out who he was without his hearing.
Sometimes he couldn't believe just how short sighted he was. He knew that the day would come when he didn't have to be a stay-at-home dad. He never thought to think about what that time in his life would be like.
He had gotten so used to having a life that was routine. He had enjoyed having a life that was routine. Okay, so having a husband that came home looking like he had gone a few rounds with Ali wasn't routine, but close enough.
The life he lead was a good one. It was one that he knew well and he didn't have to worry about it being pulled out from under him. It had taken him a lot longer than he realized to admit that that was all he ever really wanted.
A life where he didn't have to figure out a new plan of attack every few years. He knew what he was doing. Callen knew what he was doing. The kids knew what they were doing. Everyone knew what they were doing. Alright. Maybe he didn't like change.
He never had. When he had first decided to be a lawyer he had thought that that was it. That was the career that he was going to have for the rest of his life and nothing was ever going to make him change his mind.
Then he was a lawyer and he realized that though he was making a difference it wasn't enough. He had wanted to make the world a safer place for people like him. He could do that as a lawyer, but the process was slow.
So he started to think about joining the academy. The police helped people right then and there. He would be able to see his helping as he was doing it. There couldn't be a better way to make the world a better place.
It had taken a hell of a lot of faith on his part to make the leap in career paths. He had down right terrified when he did so. Truthfully, he had been almost completely positive that he was going to fail as soon as he did.
He was man enough to admit that he was a little bit of a perfectionist at times. Nothing big or anything like that, but he liked knowing what he was doing. Wasting his time doing something that he didn't know or care about was not time well spent.
Shaking his head he ran a hand through his hair. He needed a day alone to try to figure out what he wanted. Just one day to think about everything and how it was going to change the life that he already loved.
Callen, Hetty, and Isabelle all seemed to think that there was no real choice. That he was just letting his fear talk. He could admit that that was a part of it. He hated the idea that he wasn't going to be as good as he used to be. That wasn't it though.
No, the problem was the fact that he would be working away from home. It might have been years since he was a lawyer, but he knew just how hectic that life could be. There were no off days for lawyers.
After spending day in and day out at home with the kids the idea of not being there, frankly, made him a little anxious. He couldn't think of what his life would be like if it wasn't focused around his children.
It wasn't until he started thinking about it that he realized just how much time they already didn't spend together. Not just Callen with work, but Isabelle with her friends and Wesley with his. They were rarely home.
He knew that that was a good thing. His children were growing up and becoming fully functioning human beings, but he didn't know where that left him. Where that left them as a family unit.
If he was working as well then there was even less time for them to be a family. Maybe he was being a bit crazy, but he didn't want to miss out on the little time that he got with them because he was working.
For a moment he stood there trying to keep his mind from going over all the things that could be missed. He was knocked out of the thoughts by something heavy hitting his legs. Looking down he saw Wesley grinning up at him.
"Daddy!" Wesley yelled his hand clumsily signing the words.
"Hey, kiddo," Deeks smiled moving to kneel in front of his son, "Nice outfit."
"Izzy said that polka-dots and stripes don't go together. I like it though."
Laughing Deeks pressed a kiss to the boy's cheek before scooping him into his arms and attacking him with kisses. He could feel the boy squirm in his arms and he did his best to ignore the pang of pain he got every time he realized that he was never going to hear his children laughter or even the sound of their voices.
That was the reason he made sure to talk to his kids. He needed them to know the sound of his voice. The idea that they'd never actually hear him say the words 'I love you' was not one he liked. He already hated that he wouldn't be able to hear that from them.
"Where are we off to today?" he asked tilting his son's face so he could read his lips better.
"Beach!" the kid exclaimed his eyes wide.
"Ah. Papa going to continue to teach you how to swim?"
"Yup. Izzy said something about surfing."
"Sweet. She has a few things to learn still."
"You'll teach me too, right?"
"After you finish swimming lessons with Papa. Now go get D.D.'s toys. Can't leave her out of the fun."
Wesley nodded his head quickly before jumping out of Deeks arms and taking off running. Once he was out of the room Deeks felt himself deflate. How much of his kids lives was he going to miss if he did go to work?
He had spent years fearing what it would be like when he finally had a family of his own. If he was going to be good enough. If he was going to end up just like his father. If he was going to mess them up as much as he was.
That fear hadn't left him. He was terrified every day since Isabelle was born. That fear had only gotten worse when they brought Wesley into their family. He might love them, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to mess them up.
He was there though. He had the chance to do the right thing and to see what the affects of what he was doing. If he did make a mistake he was right there to fix it before it turned into something bigger than it was.
If he started working than he wasn't going to have that option anymore. When he did mess up, and he would, than it was possible it was going to take days before he even noticed that he made a mistake at all.
Forcing himself he took a deep breath Deeks tried to knock the thoughts from his head. He had to pull himself together so his family didn't see just how miserable he was and he had to do it before they figured out what was going on.
Sometimes he really hated his brain. He should be enjoying the day with his family. Instead he was wondering about all the times they might not have together if he worked. How did that make sense? He was ruining the present thinking about the future.
He should know better than that. There were so many thing that he had lost out on because he got lost in thought. At the moment he really wished that he had someone there to smack him upside the head. Maybe they could knock some sense into him.
What was he doing? He had a beautiful family that he loved and a good life that he was proud of. There was no reason for him to get stuck in his own mind like this. Everything was fine and more likely than not him becoming a lawyer wasn't going to change his life. He didn't need to be worried.
Not that that was going to stop him. He could fake being fine and had faked being fine for years. Apparently he was a bit of a worrywart. It's surprising what you learn about yourself when you had others to take care of.
Suddenly Deeks was jumping feeling a hand rest on his shoulder. Spinning around he found his husband staring at him worriedly. With a shake of his head he smiled hoping that the older man wouldn't bother questioning him. As much as he wanted to figure things out he was done. He was done for the day.
"Are you okay?" Callen signed stepping closer to him.
"Thinking too much," Deeks replied with a shrug, "Forget about it. I don't want to think about it right now. We're going to the beach, right?"
"Yeah. Isabelle said she was missing surfing. Why don't you get dressed? I'll pack snacks for us all."
"Thanks, G."
"Anytime, Marty. Though you might want to hurry. The natives are getting restless."
"Afraid of an uprising?"
"No, just don't want three different pouts directed at me."
"Special Agent G Callen. He can face terrorists and serial killers. Puppy dog pouts are his only known weakness."
"Are you done?"
"For now. No promises later."
"Uh-huh. I'm sending them after you in five minutes if you're not in the car. Love you."