I'm so happy at the response I got for Chapter 1! :D you guys make me so happy! And since I forgot in the last chapter, I don't own any of the characters (not even Carmichael :'( *sob*) But have fun anyways!

Chapter 2

-The Next Morning-

Bilbo heard a knock on his door. "SHUT UP I HAVE A HANGOVER," he screamed, holding his head which, for some reason, had several cucumbers taped to it.

The dwarves came in anyway.

Fili patted Bilbo on the head. "Aw, has the little hobbit got a hangover?"

Bilbo swatted his hand away. "Shut up or I kill you."

Fili gave another sympathetic pat. "Don't worry, Bilbo. We all had hangovers too, but we got rid of them with special dwarf pills. Have one." He offered them to the hobbit. Bilbo grabbed them and read the label. "Will alleviate the affects of a hangover... CONTAINS TROLL FECES?! YOU GUYS! SERIOUSLY?"

Actually, the dwarves had no idea about that last part and they all started vomiting onto Bilbo's nice hobbit floor. Bilbo passed out again. Gandalf laughed at them all. He hadn't taken the pills because he was a frickin' wizard, so screw hangovers.

Gandalf helped the dwarves onto their ponies and then tied Bilbo to a hobbit-sized pony, and they were off.

Bilbo woke up and blinked. "Why am I tied to a horse's ass?"

The dwarves were throwing pouches of coins to each other. Gandalf was picking his nose. Carmichael was dancing.

Bilbo tried to adjust himself off of the horse's butt. "Gandalf, what's going on? Where am I? What are the dwarves doing? WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH?"

Gandalf calmly smoked his pipe. "Just because I'm lazy, I'm only going to answer question number three. And the answer to that is: they're throwing coins at each other."

Bilbo sighed, exasperated. "I know that. Why are they throwing coins at each other?"

"THIS IS WAR!" Nori screamed, vaulting a spray of coins at the rest of the dwarves. The coins mostly hit Oin in the face, who fell off his horse and down the mountainside. Bilbo stared in horror.

"Meh," Gandalf shrugged. "I'll send those eagle guys to retrieve him. Eventually."

The dwarves started throwing coins again. Gloin got way too excited and started rapid-firing them by the handful. One hit Bifur in the back of the head. The dwarf roared and swung his axe wildly until it flew out of his hands and down the mountainside. They heard Oin scream in pain.

That night, they set up camp.

"When are we eeeeating?" Bilbo whined. "I haven't had breakfast. Or second breakfast. Or lunch or tea or snack or supper-"

"I could, like, totally make some soup," said Kili. "I found this new recipe on FB! Like, totally, gurl!" He flipped his hand.

Bilbo backed away slowly.

Thorin and Gandalf were arguing.

"I refuse to camp here!" Thorin roared. "It's too cramped and I can't stand the smell of these dwarves!"

"How dare you challenge my authority!" Gandalf shot back. "I'm the one who got this goddamn expedition off its ass in the first place! And have you smelled yourself? I'm surprised I haven't gotten sick yet; I've been standing near you for thirty seconds! Wait, you are a dwarf! How dare you insult the others, ya hypocritical idiot."

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH" hooted all of the dwarves except for Thorin and Oin, the latter still not have been sighted since the coin incident.

"Well, well..." Thorin spluttered. "You're... gray!"

At this, all of the dwarves went wild, cheering and howling and chest-bumping.

"Um, guys, we should probably-" Nori started, but Bombur landed on him and the poor dwarf was heard no more.

"Fine!" Gandalf snapped. "Be that way! But I bet you guys will be nicer when I save you from trolls or something!" He stomped away.

While the dwarves were pulling out party poppers and doing... things with them, Bilbo took two bowls of soup and snuck off into the woods. He was hungry, after all. And fat.

Before he could eat his soup, Fili and Kili swooped down on a star that they stole from Kirby: Epic Yarn and stole the soup.

"Two of the ponies went missing," Fili informed him.

"Sunshine Sticks and Sha'Nay Nay are missing!" Kili wailed.

"And why do I care?" asked Bilbo.

"You're going to help us find him!" Fili and Kili cried in unison. "You are our burglar, after all!"

"What the hell..." Bilbo began as Kili and Fili linked arms with him and skipped off into the deep woods.

Soon they could see a campfire in a clearing.

"Well, gurl, this is where we leave you!" Kili flipped his hair. "Dwarf magic, activate!" Kili and Fili vanished, leaving a trail of sparkles and the smell of pink frosted sprinkle donuts.

Bilbo just decided to accept this atrocity and crept to the clearing. He saw three troll things that were cooking soup. He also saw the two horses, who were in a rope pen, looking bored.

"Ay, mate! Let's cook the horses!" said one troll.

"Yummy!" said another, this one with an Australian accent.

"The cake is a lie!" said a third.

"Let's see, I need to free the horses by cutting the ropes that are holding them. I need something sharp and cutting edge to sever the ropes. Something like... Internet Explorer!" Bilbo laughed at his own joke for several minutes.

"Did you guys hear something?" one of the trolls asked. His name was Billy Bob Dingaling Dong Fortitude Solitude Duckface Wallaby.

Just then another troll farted and they all laughed hysterically, slapping their knees and scaring all of the squirrels in the area.

Now's my chance! Bilbo thought, and went to retrieve a knife that was hanging from one of the troll's belt.

Unfortunately the aforementioned troll felt a sneeze coming on and grabbed his snot rag- er, Bilbo and gave a big, sticky sneeze.

"Agh!" the troll yelled, somehow still sounding Australian. "Look what's coming out of me honker! It has arms and legs and everything!"

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" Bilbo squealed, surveying his snot-covered coat. "THIS THING COST ME LIKE THIRTY TWO SEVENTY FIVE, PLUS TAX! Batteries not included," he added quietly. "But still!" Bilbo pulled the little brush thing from Scrubbing Bubbles out of his coat pocket and threw it at one of the troll's face.

Said troll screamed. "MY FACE!" It clutched its toe for some reason. "I FEEL SO CLEAN! BRBLQUCRGGASDFGHJKL!" The troll dissolved into bubbles and cleaning foam.

"Oh gurl! You ain't touchin' no burglar!" Kili was back.

The troll holding Bilbo tossed him away in fear of another Scrubbing Bubbles mascot. Bilbo landed right on top of Kili.

"Sorry, Kili!"

"...You smell nice."

"Ack!" Bilbo scrambled off of Kili.

The rest of the dwarves burst out of their hiding places, challenging the trolls to an epic battle of epic epicositic epicness.

"You dare challenge the great Ori?" Ori screamed epicly. "Imma show ALL you bitches how it's done!" He whipped out his slingshot, aimed, and threw the slingshot at one of the trolls. It hit the troll's shoulder, which happened to be his 'spaz spot'. It was called that because it, well, made him spaz out. The troll began doing the Harlem Shake before passing out. The good news is that this action left the troll incapitated. The bad news is that Ori's ego became so inflated it made him gain like three hundred pounds.

"I AM ORI, YO!" he screamed in epic victory (and fatness), blasting away all of the Weight Watchers advocates that were rushing to his rescue.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was trying to free the ponies but the remaining trolls grabbed him.

"Drop yer arms," one of the trolls commanded. "Or we'll rip his off!"

Everybody complied, dropping their weapons. Gloin, always eager to please, took his actual arms off and laid them down with his... face.

"Hur hur hur..." one of the trolls laughed meanly, holding up a big, fat... cliffhanger!

I hope I made you guys laugh! I'd also like to apologize for all of the cameo appearances, and for Kili's character. I wanted to make him hot and perfect like in real life but this is a crackfic so I will just have to keep my fangirl impulses at bay.

Thanks for reading! ^.^