The first joy in the world is a beginning. It is good to be alive because living is beginning, always, for every moment. When this sensation is lacking- as when one is in prison, or ill, or when living has become a habit—one might as well be dead. A journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. Like a dance, a tribute to a fallen. For the one, who no longer flies with the pack; may only be scouring to find a way, back up.
- Tara Webster.
We were here, standing at the funeral for Sammy. Waiting, watching, crying and yet I don't believe- I don't believe he's left. When Aunty Betty died, I cried for hours before I knew what had happened. Even when I found my first Kangaroo scraped up at the side of the road, I was incapable of speech for weeks. But now, in this moment, I don't believe it. I feel a complete numbness, the feeling I felt when I left my parents back at the farm. I saw Kat beside me looking blankly to the sky, her whole world seemed crushed and I knew, I should be feeling that way and even when I held her hand for comfort; she glanced at me for a slight second as if criticising me, before turning her attention back to a suspected empty grave.
Of course, no one else knew. I myself entirely believed he- Sammy was laying peacefully in there until a few subtle clues were bought to my attention. Sammy's family seemingly devastated to a brief glance, looked more uncomfortable and tense, especially when I stared down at young Ari. The coffin, which was carried, was too light, too easy to carry. Even Sammy, the lightest of all boys in the academy, could not be that light. When his favourite pair of ballet shoes was placed on top by Miss Raine, a hollow sound resonated. And while Ollie carefully placed his own cardigan on top of the coffin before it was buried, I knew something seriously messed up was going on.
So we left the funeral, and I was the only one who didn't glance back, not once. I guess, that makes me a horrible friend. But I couldn't shake the feeling. I'm Tara Webster emotional train wreck. I cry with an instinct, when I know something's happened or when I know I've done bad. And yet, here I was dry cheeked, dry eyed with friends beside me, comforting together. And I can't think. I can't speak. I can't possibly imagine. This was his day. But his life was just a memory, now. Were we supposed to accept that, as a possibility? As Christian opened the door to his room, all I had imagined Sammy greeting us all. Watching over at Abigail, hugging Kat and looking meekly at Ollie. It was at that exact moment I realised I had lost my phone. But as the night creeps up, and as soon as the impulse to look for it came over, Tara was asleep, a dreamless sleep, the first she's ever had, before waking up with suspicion riddling her mind.
The morning came too early; too quickly and with a sudden realisation that Abigail was missing. It stirred a panic, inside my stomach, churning. Seeing the second most emotionless person I have ever met, look so devastated, made me want to forget everything and break down with her. And even though, Kat was beside me helping me up, I wondered why Abigail was hit so hard. They had been broken up for over a year now. Kat and I gently stepped outside of Sa- Christians room. 'Hey T, have you seen Abigail.' I shook my head, and Kat suggested searching around the campus, worry etched on her face. I told her to relax before we split up in opposite directions trying to find her.
When we met up again, we didn't talk often, and even when we did something was missing. There was a gap in our friendship. And then all of a sudden we could hear music and a then a cry. 'Why would you partner me with someone so good? I'm not prepared for that. I mean, how could I be when I learned the pas de deux basics with a crap partner. Everyone wants to talk about how amazing he was, but he wasn't! He was indescribably terrible. As a pas de deux partner and as a boyfriend. And then he got his own boyfriend. And then he kissed me! And then he died. I mean, what sort of a person does that?'
It was the slight second of frightening realization that Abigail really was only a guarded person and this was her most fragile state she's been in. Nevertheless, as we took the final bend we saw Abigail run out of the studio. Her hair was a mess, mascara ran down her cheeks. It was the only second to the most vulnerable state I have ever seen her in. The same feeling was reciprocated when; Kat looked in complete shock as Abigail ran out of the classroom, locking eyes with both of us, like a little child, who had been caught for breaking the rules. It was like a movie, it was a pause in our life to regain control. Before Abigail ran off, with Kat grabbing my arm and dragging me along after her, worry and sadness once again etched on her face.