Disclaimer and all that jazz in Part 1.

They are not mine and I'm not making any money with this fic.

*****

Solace of You Part 2a of 4

When I can't think straight

And there's no escape

I've got the solace of you

Living Color – The Solace of You

At first light Derek gears up and goes for a run. The desperate need to check with his own eyes the clean walls and streets of his neighborhood and assure himself that reality is very different from his dreams made him choose the longest route around his neighborhood.

He starts running down the street that leads to the main avenue where the grocery store and the bakery whose pastries Reid loves are. Then he takes a left and about twenty minutes later crosses the park he takes Clooney and Reid to every other weekend so his guys can bond and ( hopefully ) improve their relationship. A little further ahead, another three blocks that put him on his way back home, there's the playground Reid takes Derek, Henry and Clooney to whenever JJ and Will need some parents downtime and Reid is staying over.

Main circuit done, silliness and embarrassment do nothing to the jolt of relief overtaking Derek. Neighborhood is the same as yesterday with its two story houses and their mowed lawns, non-graffitied walls and stillness that screams 'ordinary, boring people living here.' Nothing like the blurred images in his dream, of which he doesn't remember much but the panic and crushing defeat he felt waking up. Derek just hopes his first reunion with his family after the talk won't be half as traumatic. Well, this is something he's going to steam over tomorrow on the plane back home, back to Chicago. Today he'd better get a grip on himself so he and Reid can fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner over at JJ's with their friends.

Checking his watch, Derek sees it's still early. Anxiety has made him run faster than usual. Since Reid probably hasn't even woken up yet, he makes a U turn and goes back to the park. There's a track field there; he could run a few lapsbefore heading back home to a cup of fresh coffee. If Reid manages to get up before Derek gets back, that is. Well, with the morning being this cold and humid, perfect for some sleeping in, or so Reid is fond of saying, Derek will probably have to brew his own coffee and take a cup back to bed for Reid.

Now that's a good reason to smile: Reid in his bed again. Lately it has happened more often than not, which without a doubt constitutes a milestone for Derek, but not the only one marking his and Reid's budding relationship. There has been lots of firsts for Derek in between them, too. Small things, such as his not minding having someone else's laundry mixed with his and making space in drawers and closets, putting up various extras bookshelves around the house or giving the keys to his place to someone else not out of a job obligation or for emergencies, but because it felt right. Having Reid do the same things for him ( not the extra bookshelves, but stocking up his apartment with more than boxed breakfast food whenever Derek is around ) and for the same reasons defined what they have with words such as commitment, intimacy, complicity. Words that had been a big no-no to Derek before Reid came along.

However, what scares the hell out of Derek ( and for that matter confuses the hell out of him, too ) is that for the last couple of months he hasn't been scared at all. If nothing else, he has gotten even closer to Reid. Derek knew then it was high time he took pause and considered the direction their relationship was taking and how he felt about it.

Hooking up with another man had never been an option, not after what Carl had taken from him. Sure, Derek had moved on. Living his life in resentment would be like surrendering more parts of himself to his former mentor, and after years of abuse he had none to spare when he left for college. Once there he did everything he could to put together what Carl had taken apart, pretending each and every experience he had was his first: partying, drinking, fucking. Busting his knee had been the wakeup call he needed to get a grip on himself. Without the popularity football afforded him to pump up his ego, he had had to get reacquainted with the happy and selfless kid his parents had raised him to be in order to go through the years he still had left in college. The Derek Morgan of today started taking shape then.

Be it as a son or a brother, a footballer or an FBI agent, a friend or lover, he has always had his people's back, put their needs before his, and he has learned to live this way. If nothing else, it has made him stronger, more reliable to others, and more comfortable in his own skin. The one thing he could never get over though was his trusting people enough to share the things that make him question himself, that make him have doubts about his attitudes and that could show his vulnerability.

He can touch, listen and comfort, but he cannot share. Derek Morgan has always been very possessive of his own troubles.

Until, again, Reid came along with his natural awkwardness and innocence and immeasurable inner strength, making Derek do and, lately, wish for things he believed he had shielded himself from. And most importantly, no one but Reid has ever made him feel like he could share some of his burdens. Hell, the kid is starting to make him want to share the burden. Mamma has always told him love makes only half the beauty of a relationship; the other half was made of trust.

Derek had never done relationships. He had never spent an entire weekend lazing around on the sofa with someone, watching a Star Trek marathon in lieu of fucking the person through the cushions. He had never had anyone to share cooking or cleaning duties with. Had never had anyone to just hold him after a bad day in the office and that could use statistics to prove to him things would be alright.

He had never taken someone to his bed without the thoughts of sex or for the need to just hold someone in his arms and talk until both succumbed to some much needed sleep at the end of a busy day. Waking up early in the morning and just staying there, very quiet, barely breathing, just watching someone else sleep was something that had never crossed his mind.

Never before had he gotten tested so he could show his partner he was clean. Never before had he dreamed his partner would do the same for him, or that he would feel so awkward and blush so furiously when he asked his partner if perhaps they could forgo condoms from then on.

Never before had he had sex without any kind of protection, be it latex or the thick layer of veneer that masked what went deep inside his soul, between him and whichever girl he was sharing a bed with.

Never in his life had Derek ever anticipated how complete and alive he could feel just by being inside someone with nothing but moist, tight heat and pure emotions joining them.

Derek has lived it all because of Reid, the key element to make Derek call home and tell his mother he had been seeing someone, that it was serious. Even from miles away Derek could hear thoughts of grandbabies, bunches of them popping into his mother's head, the way excitement suspended her next breath, and then nothing at all when he told her it was another man. All the carefully crafted reasons he had thought up for this moment, all the we've been together for seven months, he's a great guy, he understands the job, give him a chance and you and the girls will come to love him were shot down when his mother said matter of fact:

It's Doctor Reid, isn't it?

Derek could never lie to his mother. Hide things, yes; keep secrets, certainly, but lie? Never! His yes, ma'am was followed by another long silence that for Derek translated into dismay and other things he chose not to associate with mamma. In the end mamma told him she loved him, but she needed time to… that she just needed time.

At the price of frayed nerves for both the son and the profiler, the first granted mamma the time she had asked for; the latter also granted her some unspoken requested space. It took the brother another couple of weeks to man up and call an IM conference with both his sisters to tell them.

Desiree still thinks Reid is way too cute for Derek. Sara thinks having a gay brother ("I'm not gay!" "Of course you're not," was the reply presented by a rolling-eyed wink ) is kind of hip, and neither understands how someone as sweet as Reid ended up with a brute like Derek. However, they would back him a hundred percent as long as Reid made him happy. Derek set a pre-recorded image of him on the camera and wiped his eyes before telling them that yes, Reid made him happy; Reid was probably it for him. Sara then prompted a puking smiling wink on the screen, Desiree a heart flashing one, and things went downhill from there. Trust Desi and Sar to ease his mind about his problems, to make him feel good, to make him laugh even if the joke had been at his expense. The good mood was gone though when Sara sobered up and asked how mamma had taken the news.

"Everything will be okay, Der. She will come around," she promised after he told her how their mother had left things.

Derek believed her. Sara has always been the perfect big sister, always taking good care of him and having his back. Besides, their mother called the next day, and has been doing so every couple of weeks ever since.

Derek however can't live on his sister's prediction alone. He is a man of action and the waiting is killing him, but there's nothing he can do until tomorrow.

What little he can do now is head back home to that cup of coffee and to Reid.

*****

End of Part 2a. Continue in Part 2b.