Part 2: Leave Out All the Rest
The ride was silent at first. Olivia wanted to tell Elliot what the doctor had told her but she was afraid. She didn't want him to treat her any differently then he had before the accident. If only she knew what to do say in order to get him to stop looking back and forth between her and the traffic. He did it about ten times before she spoke up.
"What?"
"What?"
"Why do you keep looking at me?"
"What happened, Liv?"
Olivia turned her attention back to the traffic. She was not at all prepared for Elliot's intuition to start kicking in. All she wanted to do was go home, make a cup of tea, sit in silence and think about what she wanted to do before her life ended.
"I was in a car accident, Elliot. What more do you want me to say?"
"I meant, what did the doctor say?"
"None of your business."
"Liv…"
"It's nothing Elliot. I will deal with it. Nothing for you to worry about."
"Liv…talk to me. I know there's more to it. Just talk to me."
In order to drown out all of the conversation, Olivia reached out to the radio and pushed the on button. She changed it to her favorite radio station and a sigh of relief escaped her lips when she heard commercials. She never thought cleanser could make her feel such relief. Then the music came on and relief went right out of the window. The song hit her like a ton of bricks. She recognized it. Linkin Park is her favorite band. She would know any of their songs with just a tune.
Dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
It was like God was sending her a message. She wanted to reach out and turn it off but for some reason her arms were not getting the signal from her brain. It was as if the song was taking over her bodily functions. She leaned back, looked out the window and silent tears began to seep through her eyes, something that did not go un-noticed by her partner.
Don't be afraid
I've taking my beating
I've shared what I've been
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
She never thought her time would come so soon. What did she do to deserve such a short life? Was it punishment for her father's actions? She always thought that if she saved other women from rapists she would be making up for the harm it caused her mother. Maybe she was wrong.
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
She's learned to hide so much. The man she had given her heart to is sitting right next to her and she can't even tell him. I can't tell him how much I love him, how much I would have given to just be able to hear him breathing next to me in bed, to hear his heart beating after making love, to hear him whisper my name in the dark.
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
She wishes she could give him all of herself but it seems to be too late, like time passed over something that could have made her life worth living. She knows that by telling him her condition, her feelings, it would ruin him. It would ruin them. She can't tell him…I can't hurt him…I can't…
"Can't what?"
"Huh?"
"You said I can't hurt him. I can't. Can't hurt who, Liv?"
"Look Elliot, I appreciate you helping me, I do, but don't okay?"
Elliot just groaned, turned off the radio and continued to drive in silence. She knew that he knew something was up. She also knew his stubbornness. He was not going to let this go. That would be too much good luck on her part and with the way this month was going, nothing was looking her way.
As soon as Elliot pulled into her drive way, he unbuckled his seat belt and turned off the engine. He sat in silence for a few seconds before he said, "You scared the shit out of me."
"What? Why?"
When he turned to her, Olivia could see the worry in his eyes. "Don't you know how much you mean to me? Olivia, you're my best friend, my partner. You know things about me that Kathy will never understand and will never hear. I can tell you things that I have never been able to tell anyone. You almost died. Do you have any idea what that would have done to me?"
She can't look at him. Instead she turned to the window and sighed. "You would have shed a few tears and moved on with your life."
Olivia felt his hand on her arm. "Are you kidding me? I would have been heart broken! You aren't some random person in my life. You know that right?"
"I know you care about me. But I am just your friend, and co-worker. Nothing more." She felt like she was drowning, suffocating. Like all of the air was leaving her lungs and nothing could come out.
"You're more then that Liv."
She turned to look into his eyes and softly whispered, "No Elliot. No I'm not."
She let go of his arm and left the car. Why was he doing this to her? It was so much easier when she thought he was just her friend. That way she wasn't hurting anyone. Now, Elliot was practically declaring his feelings for her. Just as she reached her door, she could hear Elliot following her. She unlocked her door and made her way inside. Elliot snuck his way in before she got a chance to close the door behind her.
"What are you doing? Go home El. I'm exhausted and you have a new born baby to take care of."
"No. Not until you understand what I am trying to say."
"I do understand. You care about me. I get it. Now can you please go?"
"It's more then just caring about you, Liv."
"You know, I liked you better when you didn't talk about your feelings. This new and improved Elliot is kind of annoying."
Elliot laughed and engulfed her in a hug. He kissed her head and pulled her closer to him. As he was holding her, Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. She loved the way he held her, the way it felt to have his body pressed against hers. She could hear his heart beat and his breathing. It was like Heaven and Hell all wrapped up in one.
Still holding her, Elliot said, "I love you, Liv."
She pulled back. "What? Elliot…"
"I do. I can't explain why or how. I just…do. When I heard about the accident, I was so worried."
"Of course you were. Your wife and unborn child were in danger."
He squinted his eye brows in anger and confusion. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what? Make sense?"
"No! Right yourself off like you aren't important. You were in that car to you know."
"So? Elliot I'm not leaving behind anything but my job. What do I care what happens to me. It's not like I'm leaving anything or anyone behind."
"I care! And you are leaving something and someone behind! You're leaving the job and me behind, not to mention Cragen, Fin, John!"
He took a breather. He released his grasp so he could take off his jacket. He set it on the back of her couch and leaned against it for support, crossing his arms across his chest.
"I can't understand why you are having such a hard time imagining that someone cares about you."
"It's not for you to understand but for you to accept. This is who I am. It's how I grew up, El. Before I met you, no one in my life gave a shit what happened to me. My mother could care less if I ever came back home. In fact, that may have been a blessing for her. I never had any family or friends give three shits about me so tell me how I am supposed to just accept it when…"
"When what?"
"Nothing."
"No tell me. I need to know."
"Need to know what?! God you are so…"
"Charming."
"Annoying and nosy!"
"That to. Tell me."
"What do you want me to say Elliot?!"
He walked over to her, looked into her eyes and whispered, "Tell me what the doctor said."
"FINE! HE TOLD ME I'M DYING ELLIOT! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?!" She turned away from him and leaned against the wall. Her eyes were planted on the carpet in her apartment. She never knew it could be so appealing. Her head began to pound as a headache set in.
Elliot looked at her and tried to decide if she was saying this to get him to shut up or if she was telling the truth.
"Liv, what did he say?"
She took a moment to breath. Her head was throbbing, her body ached and all she wanted to do was sleep. She set her eyes on his and softly said, "My head was hit with such force that I have a build up of fluid in my brain. There is no way to operate and so I'm dying."
Shock overtook Elliot's features. "How…how long?"
"6 months at the most. I still have to do some research on the symptoms."
He felt tears pooling from his eyes. He walked closer to her and tried to gather her up in his arms before she stopped him with her hand on his chest.
"No, don't. I don't need or want your sympathy. Just go."
"This isn't for you. This is for me. Please."
She sighed and let him come to her. He took her in his arms and cried. He didn't sob because he knew that would only hurt the both of them. He couldn't think. It was as if his entire thoughts and feelings went numb.
"Are you tired?"
"Yes."
"Let me hold you while you sleep?"
"El…"
"Please?"
She sighed once more and said, "Okay. Just let me get changed."
She walked into her room, changed into flannel cotton pants and a t-shirt and sat on the edge of her bed in silence before she heard a knock at the door. She couldn't believe she was letting him do this. She was letting him in and in the end all it was going to do was cause her more pain.
"It's open, El."
He walked in with his jeans and t-shirt still on. She lay down on the side she always sleeps on and waited for him to lay next to her. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. He mesmerized her in a way no one else could. She felt his arms wrap around her waist and she maneuvered herself so she was lying on his chest. She fell asleep to the sound of his heart beat and the movement of his chest as it contracted with every breath he took.