Though it was only early afternoon when he had crawled into bed, Ron slept right through dinner and into the night, not waking once. It wasn't until the early hours – around five am – that he woke up wide awake as if someone had shaken him. He sat up in the bed and glanced out of the window, the light beginning to cover the ground. Ron sighed and climbed out of bed – there was no way he could go back to sleep now. He opened his door and peered into the hallway. Snoring from the door opposite his told him that Bill – and most likely Fleur too – were still sleeping. He was still in his clothes from the night before and pulled the door closed behind him as he left his room and crept down the stairs.
The cottage was quaint and peaceful and he realised he was picturing himself living in a place like this. After the war – if it was ever over – it would be the ideal place to settle down and relax. Briefly he wondered if Hermione would join him.
Everything came rushing back to him in an instant and for a moment he felt overwhelmed with regret so much so that he felt as if he couldn't breathe properly. He left out the front door and spotted the edge of the cliff that the cottage sat on. He made his way over and sat slightly back from the edge; he felt a prickle of fear at the drop in front of him.
Now that he was inhaling fresh air he felt a slight calm come over him at the sight of the ocean spread out in front of him. His thoughts turned back to Hermione and the idea of the pair of them living somewhere as peaceful as Shell Cottage. As he gazed out at the view Ron wondered if that was even possible now that he had left them. More than ever now he wished they hadn't left the riverbank so soon so that he could have met up with them again. He knew they would be angry – Harry especially – but the longer he was away, the harder it would be to go back to them. As well as that, he had no idea where to start; he only knew he was going to find them.
He heard himself sigh and picked at a stone on the ground. He had always been confused when it came to his feelings for Hermione. When he was dating Lavender he had enjoyed the idea of having a girlfriend despite Hermione's anger towards him for it. It all seemed to change when Hermione supposedly started going out with Cormac and he felt a rage he had never felt before. It was then he truly realised his feelings for Hermione went deeper than he had ever thought.
His cheeks almost turned red at the thought of love because really, he couldn't love her, could he? Ron went back over all of their arguments, periods when they weren't talking to each other – usually because of something he had done – and scoffed. That wasn't love, surely. They fought like mad and almost always found something to disagree on. But now something else was making him think more about it.
The moments when they didn't argue or want to rip at each other's throats they actually got on – of course they did, they had been friends for years – but Ron saw more to it now. Hermione clearly enjoyed his company or she wouldn't put up with him – and maybe there was something between them. His thoughts confused him but he knew he felt something for her – especially recently – he just had no idea what she felt in return. With a jolt he remembered he calling his name into the darkness and following him into the rain. The slight possibility that she might like him gave him the tiniest dash of hope and only made him want to find Harry and Hermione more.
As the sun rose in front of him – the view was quite breathtaking – he remembered what he had seen between his two friends – or what he had thought he had seen – and with a twist of his stomach everything he had said echoed in his head.
'We thought you knew what you were doing! We thought Dumbledore had told you what to do, we thought you had a real plan!'
Granted, everything he had said had been true. He thought Harry would have more to go on but he wished now he could take it back. The pressure on their shoulders was immense but nothing compared to what Harry had to worry about and as his best friend, Ron knew he should have been more appreciative of that. As for what he thought he had seen between Harry and Hermione, he was now wondering more and more if it had been the locket, coupled with his imagination and confusion over his feelings for Hermione that made him think there was something between them.
'I get it. You choose him.'
Ron hung his head in his hands and sighed. He made a huge mess of things, quite possibly damaged his relationships with both Harry and Hermione beyond repair and all he wanted was to get back so he could begin to make things right but even that seemed impossible.
"Ronald?" The delicate sound of Fleur's voice did not startle him and he turned around to see him standing behind him, a soft expression on her face. "Your brother wants to talk to you and I 'ave made you something to eat."
"Thanks, Fleur." He mumbled and stood up, sending her a smile that betrayed every feeling he had inside. He followed her silently back to the cottage and found Bill at the kitchen table; bacon, eggs and toast in front of him.
"Did you sleep okay?" His brother asked and Ron shrugged as he sat down with him. Bill pushed the food towards him and Ron muttered another thanks.
"It's really nice out here, huh." Ron said, avoiding Bill's eyes and helping himself to something to eat.
"We like it, yeah." Bill said quietly and stood up. Ron ate quickly as he watched Bill make a coffee for them both. He accepted it happily.
"Fleur said you wanted to talk?" Ron said finally and Bill nodded.
"I have news – nothing bad." He added hastily as Ron's head shot up in alarm. "Just things that have happened recently that you should know about. But first I want to know what you've been up to."
Bill watched Ron closely and the latter felt as if he was being pulled from two sides. He wanted more than anything to share with his brother what Harry had to do, partly because he may be able to help and partly just to get it off of his chest. It pained him to shake his head and hear Bill sigh.
"I can't, Bill. I want to, but I really can't. Dumbledore told Harry not to tell anyone except Hermione and me, sorry." Ron said and Bill looked as if he wanted to protest but didn't.
"Fair enough, I guess. Do you know where they are though?" Bill asked and Ron shook his head again.
"No, but I wish I did. It makes finding them all the more harder." He told him and Bill raised his eyebrows.
"You're going back?" He questioned before sipping his coffee.
"Yeah, I am." Ron said firmly and Bill nodded.
"Good. Now, do you know about the Taboo?" At Bill's words, Ron's expression turned to confused as he sipped his own coffee. 'Well, I hope Harry knows – they've put a Taboo on You-Know-Who's name. Anybody who says it can be tracked instantly and it breaks any and all protective charms that you've put up."
Ron's mouth hung open at the news and he set his mug down. So that was how they were found in the middle of London after fleeing the wedding. "You're kidding?"
"I wish I was. They almost got Kingsley the other day – he's on the run now – he only just managed to escape by cursing the Death Eater's that cornered him." Bill said, shaking his head.
"Wow!" Ron exclaimed, the idea of it making perfect sense to him; only a select few people used his name – Harry included – and the majority were Order members.
"Yeah, so watch what you say. Have you guys been listening to Potterwatch?" Ron looked perplexed at Bill's question and he continued to talk. "It's a radio show that lets people know what's going on, only it tells the truth, not the rubbish the Ministry is coming out with."
"Potterwatch? Never heard of it." Ron commented and sculled the rest of his coffee. "Have you heard from others in the Order?"
"Bits. It's not easy to communicate these days. Tonks and Lupin were here the other night though – she's starting to really show now – so we see the others sometimes." Bill told him and Ron looked down at the table as he remembered Lupin's visit to Grimmauld Place. "Mum and Dad are okay – as okay as they can be with what's going on. Dad hasn't been to work for awhile but that's beside the point really – nowhere is safe anymore."
His last four words echoed in Ron's head and he fell into thought. What if Harry and Hermione were captured? Though he would then know where they were, it wouldn't be under the best circumstances and he dreaded to think what the Death Eaters would do to Hermione – a Muggleborn. With a dark look on his face he knew already what they would do to Harry and shook the thought from his mind.
"What are you going to do at Christmas?" Ron asked. He had glanced at a copy of the Daily Prophet when he had spoken with Bill in the living room after his arrival and had seen that it was already December. Time had flown by when he was camping with Hermione and Harry.
"We were going to Mums." Bill started before looking around and lowering his voice. "I don't really think Fleur wants to, though. We might just stay here with you – give Mum an excuse."
Ron was grateful for this; as much as he missed the rest of his family and longed to see them, he knew they wouldn't be anywhere near as understanding as Bill had been about leaving his two best friends. He almost shuddered at the thought of what Ginny would do if she knew he had left Harry.
Ron settled into an easy routine at Shell Cottage; he would wake late, have lunch, talk with Bill or Fleur, and maybe go for a walk before having dinner and turning in for the night. It seemed, if viewed from the outside, like the perfect life but it was far from it. Daily the guilt followed him and he couldn't escape how horrible it made him feel. He constantly wracked his brains for ways to find them but nothing seemed to work. He had no idea where they were and though he knew an owl would most likely find them, it was also incredibly dangerous and could lead to other people finding them as well. He had run out of ideas too quickly and couldn't ask anyone for help. He was lost.
The weather seemed to mirror his feelings as it got closer and closer to Christmas and grew colder. It rained most days, though Ron still went for walks, and the sun very rarely made an appearance. It turned the cottage into a lonely place and on days when Bill had things to do – 'Order things' he had said and had refused to let Ron join him or tell him what was going on – Ron found he spent all of his time gazing out the window and remembering his childhood and school years.
Never before had he wanted to re-live the past. Growing up picked on by older brothers was not something one wanted to get back to but now he would give anything to go back to a time when he didn't have to worry, when his best friend didn't have to save the Wizarding World and when he knew without a doubt that every night before he went to sleep that he and his family were safe. Knowing that that wasn't possible was disheartening and Ron hated that he was switched on enough to know that even if the war ended sometime soon, it would be a long time before things went back to normal.
The days seemed to blur and with him doing the same thing day in and day out, it was hard to tell each day from the last. When Bill had mentioned Lupin and Tonks visiting, Ron had gotten excited that he would be seeing different people everyday but no one had visited yet. Security measures were getting tighter and tighter as each day wore on and no one knew who to trust anymore. The Daily Prophet was reporting none of what was really going on and Bill would always return with more new of Muggles dying and witches and wizards being captured by Death Eaters.
The only two things that kept Ron sane was that his family were all safe and that he had heard nothing of Harry and Hermione – a sure sign that they were okay. He knew if Harry had been captured and killed, everyone would know about it. It was a dark but comforting thought.
A week before Christmas Ron was sitting outside after dinner. It had been raining all day and had finally let off – Ron had decided to make the most of it and had been sat outside for the better part of an hour. He had no idea what Bill was doing and Fleur had gone to stay with her parents for a few nights. He jumped suddenly as the door opened and Bill came out.
"Come and listen to Potterwatch." He said before turning on his heel and entering the cottage again, Ron following close behind. He could hear voices coming from the living room and the radio was crackling as they sat down to listen.
"Any that concludes the list of recent deaths and it is with deepest sympathy that we read those names." A quick look at Bill told Ron that none of the names were familiar to them and he turned his attention back to trying to work out who the voice was. "Now, we turn over to our regular contributor, Romulus, for Pals of Potter."
"Pals of Potter?" Ron asked incredulously, feeling slightly lighter at this small bit of amusement. Bill shushed him and they kept listening.
"Thanks, River." Ron recognized Lupin's voice with an excited look at Bill. "Not much to report since the last time I was here but again, I will stand by what I spoke about last time; Harry Potter is alive."
"For those that missed our last broadcast, Romulus told us all how Harry Potter is alive and it is definitely something you stand by, Romulus?" River asked and Ron finally recognised his voice as Lee, Fred and George's friend.
"Of course. There would be pandemonium if the Boy Who Lived had been killed – from both sides. The Death Eaters would be celebrating and those that have always stood by Harry would continue to do so. I also think people would be blinded by their grief and anguish at Harry's death that they would do rather foolish things." There was a short silence as everyone digested Lupin's words before he spoke again. "But I say this to everyone listening – Harry will never give up. He will continue to resist and fight back until this is over and that is what we must remember. We are behind him one hundred percent."
"Thank you, Romulus. Wise words, indeed." Said Lee and Ron felt more guilt at leaving his friend after hearing what Lupin had to say. He and Harry had argued back at Grimmauld Place yet he was here standing up for Harry and supporting him. "I'm afraid that we have come to the end of this broadcast. We will be broadcasting again as soon as we can and the next password will be Scarhead in honour of our lightening scarred friend. Keep safe and look out for each other. Goodnight."
The radio crackled and fell silent and the two brothers stared at it for a moment. "It's good, isn't it?" Bill said and Ron nodded, standing up to stare out the window. He couldn't stop going over what Lupin had said about sticking behind Harry because as his best friend, Ron should have stuck behind him one hundred and ten percent. It had started to get dark while they had been listening and as Ron stared outside, the rain started to fall again.
"About what Lupin said," Bill began and Ron sucked in a breath, bracing himself for whatever his brother was going to say. "Everything he said was right – we're all still behind Harry – but Ron, don't beat yourself up. Everybody makes mistakes."
"I left them, Bill. We fought and I said – I was horrible. Hermione was calling – and – I left." It was a raw moment. Ron hated being so open in front of anyone and rarely admitted his feelings to others but at that moment he couldn't help it. Bill was being too kind and Ron knew he didn't deserve it. "I have to find them." He said through gritted teeth.
"You're really going to try and find them?" Bill asked and Ron ignored the doubt in his brother's voice. The older Weasley sighed deeply. "Well, I can't stop you, I guess. I know I don't know Harry as well as you, but whatever you said to him, going back will mean a lot to him."
As he continued to gaze out the window, he heard Bill leave the room. The rain had really started to pour and as if pounded the window, Ron hoped his brother was right.