Day Two.

Kakashi opened his eyes to see his new roommate sitting on the futon across from him, legs folded and eating toast, studying him carefully. He closed his eyes again and sighed heavily. "I wasn't dreaming, then?"

"I'm afraid not," Iruka replied cheerfully. "Want some toast?"

Kakashi rolled over so his back was to the chūnin. "You're enjoying my misfortune, aren't you?" he grumbled.

Iruka laughed. "Misfortune is a funny way to put it. I'm sure lots of people would want to be in your position."

Kakashi sat up and glared at him. "Would you?" The words shot out of his mouth before he remembered that the chūnin didn't like women.

Iruka stiffened slightly. "I think you'll know the answer to that if you actually engage your brain for once," he said curtly, and then stood up to leave.

"Wait, Iruka, I -" he faltered as Iruka turned back to him, a questioning look on his face, and dragged his hand through his hair agitatedly. "What I said yesterday. I didn't mean to."

Iruka tilted his head slightly to the side. "Is that supposed to be an apology?"

Kakashi nodded and let out a heavy sigh. "Yesterday was a bit of a shock to me. I was taking my frustration out on you. I shouldn't have."

Iruka grinned and sat back down on the futon. "That's cute."

Kakashi scowled. "What's cute?"

"You can't say sorry."

"I can too," Kakashi protested.

"And?"

"I'm sorry?"

Iruka lay back on the mattress and chuckled. "You sound so unsure about it. You know if you really do have a problem with my sexuality feel free to get Tsunade-sama to kick me off this mission. I'd rather be making proper money right now."

"I don't have a problem with it, I was just being difficult," Kakashi said quietly. "Some of my favourite experiences have been with men."

"Ooh, really?" Iruka sat back up, leaning forwards. "Do you top or bottom?"

Kakashi stared at him, hard, and he blushed, scratching the bridge of his nose and lowering his gaze to the sheets. "Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to."

The jōnin closed his eye and arched it so it looked like he was smiling. "Maa, Iruka, do you want to find out?"

Iruka, if possible, turned an even brighter red. "I didn't mean that! I was just surprised that you had done that, and I guess even more surprised that you would tell me about it."

The man had a point, Kakashi realized. He didn't know why he'd told Iruka that he'd been with men before, he'd just… said it, without thinking. He frowned. That was not a good habit to get into. He'd have to watch himself carefully around this chūnin.

"So anyway," Iruka said, slightly awkwardly, "Who are the lovely ladies you get to date? Are you allowed to tell me?"

Kakashi handed over the list silently and Iruka studied it carefully, the tip of tongue poking out the corner of his mouth in an indication of his concentration. Eventually he looked up. "Do you have any idea who you're going to choose?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I only really know Kurenai."

"Hmm, well, Shizune's had a crush on you for ages. She whines about how dense you are and how you don't even see her every time she gets drunk," Iruka mused. "Although when she's sober she's really nice. Gives good massages. Got that healing touch, you know."

"Hn. Know any of the others?" Kakashi didn't particularly want to think about Shizune and her disturbing confessions of love.

"Well, I don't know Yūgao-san all that well. She seems pretty quiet and reserved for the most part, but I've only spoken with her once or twice," Iruka said.

Kakashi nodded. "I've worked with her a few times."

"So you probably know more than I do about her," Iruka said. "Hm, Hinata is – wait, why is Hinata on this list?"

"Old man Hyūga forced her into it," Kakashi replied. "Poor kid. I know what it's like to have things expected of you."

Iruka smiled softly, thinking of his old students. "Hinata is stronger than she looks. I think she will make a good mother one day. Just not yet. You're a bit too old for her."

"A bit too old?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow and ran his fingers through his hair, only now realizing that it was probably extremely wild because of how he'd slept. "She needs to get up the courage to tell Naruto how she feels. Old man Hiashi wouldn't like it but," he shrugged, "They'd have some pretty powerful kids."

Iruka groaned. "I don't even want to think about Naruto having kids. Think of the destruction they would cause. I bet he'd go and have twins too, just to make things more difficult for me."

Kakashi snorted. "That would kind of make you a grandfather, right?"

"I guess it would." Iruka smiled. "Naruto's my only family and I'm not about to have my own children, ever, so… it would be kind of nice, really. I just hope he waits a few years. He still needs to grow up properly."

"Do you ever wish you could have children?" Kakashi asked. He didn't want a child, but Iruka was a teacher and seemed to adore the little brats. It only made sense that he would want one of his own.

Iruka looked a little sad. "I've thought about it, yes. But I'm not attracted to women at all and I've only been in one long-term relationship. I don't really want to raise a child on my own. Besides, I practically raised Naruto. That'd be enough for anyone, right?"

"How did your relationship end?" Kakashi asked. He knew he was being nosy but he couldn't help it. Iruka… intrigued him.

"I was stabbed in the back," Iruka said flatly, signaling the end of that conversation.

Kakashi wondered about that, but it wasn't really any of his business and prying further would probably make Iruka clam up or run away, and he didn't want either of those things to happen. "You probably know Suzume, right? She said she was a teacher at the academy."

"Yes." Iruka nodded. "She's shy, but very passionate about what she loves to do, which is teaching. Her husband died on a mission last year and I think she's been fighting depression because of it, although she won't tell anyone. I'm glad to see she's going out and doing something, even if it's something as crazy as this. Although, I don't really think she's your type."

Kakashi grinned. "Maa, and what do you think is 'my type', Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka blushed, and rubbed at his scar. "Ah, well, I just think that – I don't know. It's just that you seem to have a really strong personality, and I think hers would get crushed under the weight of yours."

Kakashi thought about that. It seemed a viable observation and he wondered how long Iruka would have had to watch him to come up with it. "So you think I would do better with someone like Anko?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Anko is special in her own way," Iruka said firmly. "Once you get to know her you realize all the toughness is just a protective shell to keep herself from being hurt by what other people say about her. There are still people who distrust her because of her past with Orochimaru, you know. She's actually quite sweet, if you can get through the layers."

"So the 'whips and chains and handcuffs' thing was all talk?" Kakashi asked. He'd never thought about analyzing Anko, he spent most of his time trying to avoid her. Maybe he should have tried looking underneath the underneath.

"Ah, probably not." Iruka scratched his nose again. "From what I've heard – from her – she actually really enjoys being, uh, wild in the bedroom. She gives me more details than anyone would ever want to know, so don't ask."

Kakashi shuddered involuntarily. He didn't understand why any shinobi would want to bring things like that into the bedroom. He'd been through enough of that the last time – well, the only time – he'd been captured on a mission. His own sex life was probably quite tame in comparison to Anko's.

Iruka was studying him again, as if he wouldn't notice. "It's not as bad as you're thinking," he said. "Well, maybe not to the extent that Anko does it, but being tied up during sex can be fun. Giving all the control to your partner is kind of exhilarating."

"Maa, sweet Iruka-sensei is into bondage? Wait until Naruto hears this," Kakashi leered.

"You wouldn't." Iruka scowled. "And even if you did tell him he wouldn't believe you."

Kakashi's face crinkled up into his eye-smile again. "You're right, I wouldn't. He'd probably kill me for 'telling lies about his Iruka-sensei'."

Iruka smiled. "Well, how do you expect your students to believe anything you say when you constantly lie to them?"

"I don't lie to them," Kakashi said, slightly offended.

"Maa, I was helping an old lady cross the road. I was rescuing a cat from a tree. I got lost on the road of life." Iruka crossed his arms over his chest and looked adorably mad. "You lie to them every day, Kakashi-san."

"Only about that," Kakashi shot back. He was feeling irrationally upset that Iruka might think badly of him. "They don't need to know what I do in the mornings."

"If you just showed up on time then you wouldn't have to lie to them, you lazy bastard."

"It's not my fault I get carried away talking to Obito," Kakashi near shouted, then slammed his mouth shut. Crap. He hadn't meant to say that.

Iruka tilted his head to the side again and Kakashi found himself unreasonably annoyed by it. It was as if the younger man was trying to view him from another angle, to pull out all his secrets. Iruka opened his mouth and then shut it again. When he finally did speak, what he said was, "Temari is a nice girl, if a bit brusque. Her heart is in the right place. I did think something was going on between her and Shikamaru, but maybe not."

Kakashi didn't know what to say. He'd expected questions on Obito, but apparently Iruka had decided he wasn't going to get an answer anyway so he wasn't going to bother asking. "She's putting her village before her own feelings."

"Ah." Iruka looked sad. "I know as shinobi that's what we are supposed to do but it makes me feel bad seeing people so young giving up everything for a cause they've been told they should believe in."

Kakashi thought about how his own young life had been dedicated to protecting a village full of people who didn't like him and weren't ready to accept him and silently agreed. "What about Tsume? Is she all sweet underneath like our darling Anko?"

Iruka snorted. "Not that I know of. That woman sniffed me during a parent-teacher meeting and told me I should eat more apples. I still have no idea why. She treats Kiba like he's an idiot and judges him too harshly. But I guess he turned out okay in the end."

"She didn't ask you if you wanted to become pack, did she?" Kakashi asked.

"Pack?" Iruka looked confused.

"She said she wants to have a litter of my pups."

Iruka shivered. "That's… kind of disturbing."

Kakashi nodded. "Yeah. Be glad no one's forcing you to find a wife."

The conversation was interrupted as Kotetsu flew through the door with a camera in his hand. "Is everybody ready for another fun day in the sun?" he yelled, startling a bird outside the window. Kakashi and Iruka stared at him blankly.

"C'mon guys, it's time to get up and seduce those ladies."

A still half-asleep Izumo tumbled through the doorway after him, hitting him on the head. "Ko, we're not supposed to be in here."

His best friend turned to him. "No, you're not supposed to be in here. Tsunade-sama told me to get whatever shots I can. And I think all the ladies want to see Kakashi-san with bed hair, am I right or am I right?"

Iruka looked at Kakashi. "He always looks like that," he pointed out. Kakashi had switched his suit for a well worn pair of uniform pants and shirt, and the way he'd slept made his hair stick up to the left in messy spikes. Studying the jōnin like that made him catch the one noticeable difference about him, and he averted his eyes so his cheeks wouldn't embarrass him. Kakashi wasn't wearing his flak jacket and the shirt he had on clung to his body, showing off the well-sculptured flat planes of his chest.

Iruka coughed lightly. "Well, if it's time to go then Kakashi-san needs to get dressed. No uniform allowed, remember?"

Kakashi sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more. "Yes, master."

"Good boy." Iruka smiled and then turned to Kotetsu and Izumo. "You two, out."

Not even Kotetsu protested. He still had nightmares from the last time he had argued against Iruka's teacher voice.

Iruka flicked through his stack of papers until he found the form he needed, and read it carefully. "So today we are going on a picnic lunch and you are to introduce your suitors to your summons."

Kakashi buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Do I have to? Pakkun will never let me live this down."

"How much trouble could it be?" Iruka asked. "They're all ninken, aren't they?"

"No they're not." Kakashi swore violently. "They're disrespectful sons of bitches, that's what they are. And they're all going to laugh at me."

"Oh." Iruka couldn't really argue with that, because he'd met Pakkun and although the pug didn't seem disrespectful to him he did seem rather… loud with his opinions. "Well, you have to suck it up. You know Tsunade-sama's not going to give you a choice, don't you?"

"Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said in a grave voice, "For your own safety I recommend that you keep as far away from this 'picnic' as you possibly can. At the very least Urushi is going to offend someone, and with his ridiculous luck it's going to be Anko. And everything will go downhill from there."

Iruka smiled brightly and tossed some clothes at him. "It sounds like you'll need me to be there. I don't have a choice about coming, anyway. Apparently I'm supposed to make sure you mind your manners." He snickered. "It should be fun."

Kakashi looked at him warily before glancing at the clothes he'd been given. "I can't wear this," he groused, holding up a short-sleeved checkered shirt. "When your name is Kakashi you don't go around trying to look like a scarecrow."

Iruka sighed. "Just wear it. The way you're acting one would think you want to look good for the ladies."

Kakashi growled and moved to take off his shirt. It was halfway up his chest before he realized Iruka was still watching him. "What? Just because you're rooming with me doesn't mean you get to see my face, you know." He waved his hand in a shooing motion. Iruka turned bright red and scampered out the door.

o0o

The picnic started off fine. Tsunade was already drunk and clutching Izumo a little too tightly to her chest, to the point where he felt like he was suffocating, but nobody else minded. Kotetsu made sure to get some good footage of Izumo's head being dwarfed between their Hokage's gargantuan breasts.

It was a nice day, the sun was shining and a light breeze stopped it from getting too hot. They were sitting on top of the First Hokage's head ("That's my Granddad!" Tsunade was saying to anyone who'd listen) and could see the entire village from where they were. It was a beautiful view, but Kakashi wasn't looking. He was too busy fidgeting nervously and thinking evil thoughts about Iruka who, by giving him the checkered shirt, had unwittingly made him match the picnic blanket.

He had to admit that the clothes he was wearing now were much more comfortable than the suit of yesterday, though. Iruka had gotten him a long sleeved white cotton shirt with a mask attached to go underneath the checkered one and it was surprisingly even more comfortable than his usual uniform shirt. The pants he'd been given were jeans with a light wash and they allowed more room for flexibility than he'd first thought they would.

"Tsunade-sama, I don't think he can breathe," Hinata said in her quiet voice. Kakashi looked at her. Hiashi had stuffed his daughter into what looked like eight layers of formal kimono and although it looked pretty Kakashi thought she was probably having trouble breathing herself. She looked like an expensive, fragile doll.

Tsunade released Izumo who stumbled away gasping, and looked confused. "Who, what now?" Then her eyes alighted on Kakashi, and gained that troublesome gleam. She pointed a shaking finger at him, and said, "Dogs!"

"Maa, what?" Eight females swiveled to stare at Kakashi, who rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. He felt uncomfortable being the centre of attention.

"Dogs, you know, woof woof." Tsunade frowned at him.

"Maa, are you calling me a dog?" Kakashi said, acting surprised and pointing a finger at himself.

"No, I think," a very pale Izumo burbled, having just returned from throwing up in the bushes, "I think she wants you to summon your ninken, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi sighed. "I know that. I was just hoping to spend some time with these lovely ladies without my pups around. I don't really like sharing, you know." He scowled, but curved his eye up into what would look like a smile anyway. When he opened his eye again he caught Iruka watching him with a small smile and got the sinking feeling the man was onto him. His suspicion was confirmed when Iruka winked at him.

"How big is your pack?" a deep voice growled from behind him, and Kakashi nearly jumped. He should have been able to feel the chakra but this damned dating thing was really messing with his mind and he couldn't concentrate properly. He turned slowly until he was face to face with Tsume's ninken Kuromaru. The great beast stared him down with one eye and Kakashi felt slightly jealous that the dog's eye patch was much more manly than the silk scarf he had wrapped around his own eye.

"Eight," he answered shortly.

Kuromaru snorted through his nose then lay down, his nose on his paws, much too close to Kakashi for comfort. He wished that Tsume didn't have to bring her damn dog everywhere with her, she was bad enough by herself as it was. He inched slightly away from the animal, only to find that the movement brought him closer to Shizune, who gazed up at him adoringly, blushing. "Kakashi-san, you look good out of uniform."

"Hn." Kakashi looked away. What was he meant to say to that? Deny it, or accept it? Nobody really complimented him on his looks before. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Iruka mouthing words at him. "Thank… you?" he guessed.

"Ooh, you're so adorable." Shizune was hanging off his arm, and he glared at Iruka. The man wasn't even trying to help him! He was just sitting there laughing. Adorable. Psh, nobody should ever call Hatake Kakashi of the sharingan adorable. It was wrong on so many different levels.

"Oi, I want a turn," another voice whined, and he was obviously losing his touch because he didn't even realize the danger until Anko had already plunked herself down in his lap. "Want a dance, Kakashi?"

"I can't dance," he said automatically.

Anko grinned. He almost swore she had fangs. "Oh but Kakashi," she purred, "You don't need to. This is a dance where I move and you just sit back and enjoy it."

She ground her chest against his for impact. A lap dance? In front of all these women? Even Anko isn't that sleazy. Right? Right? As fast as she had appeared Anko disappeared, Kuromaru sinking his teeth into the back of her dress and tossing her off the side of the mountain. She reappeared two minutes later, chakra surrounding her feet and a murderous look on her face.

Tsume stood in front of Kakashi and glared at her. "You don't get all of him, bitch. Save some for everybody else."

The two Kunoichi stood in the middle of the picnic blanket, Kuromaru beside Tsume with his teeth barred, growling low in his throat. A quick glance around showed Hinata and Suzume huddling together, Temari frowning, Yūgao staring uninterestedly, Shizune still clinging to his arm and Kurenai looking to Iruka for help. Tsunade he located somewhere in the bushes to his left, arguing with Kotetsu about something, and Izumo was hanging upside down from a tree, trying desperately to get down. He didn't even want to know what was going on there.

Kakashi sighed. It looked like he was going to have to solve this stupid problem on his own, even though it would never have happened if the idiotic elders had had the sense to stay out of his life. "Maa, everyone sit down and I'll summon my dogs," he said cheerfully, going the full mile and adding a closed-eye smile.

Everyone stared at him, and Tsume slunk to the edge of the blanket and sat, looking for all the world like a dog with its tail between its legs. Kuromaru followed and, finding herself the unwanted centre of attention, Anko sat down too, scowling. Kakashi sighed again. I better not regret this.

He sliced open his thumb and affected a bored tone and he pressed his palm to the ground. "Kuchiyose no jutsu."

A mismatched group of eight dogs appeared in the middle of the blanket, excitedly talking over one another in yips and barks until the smallest, a grumpy looking pug, snapped, "Quiet!" The dogs fell silent but let their curious gazes sweep over the people in the circle. The pug then turned to his master, giving Shizune, who was still attached to his arm, a confused look. "Kakashi, why are we here?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head and gave a nervous laugh. "Pakkun. You won't believe this but, ah, Tsunade-sama is trying to find me a wife."

Pakkun just stared for a while, then rolled onto his back laughing. The other dogs followed suit except for a large bulldog, who simply looked confused. "Who'd want to be mated to you?"

Kakashi scowled and crossed his arms. "Apparently, everybody here. And that's better than I've seen you do."

When Pakkun had finished laughing he said between gasps for air, "Why did you summon us? I can't believe it was just to put a little humour into our day."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Whoever mates with me must also be compatible with you guys. I want to know who you -"

He was interrupted by growling. A small tan dog with droopy eyes and ears was standing facing Kuromaru, hackles raised. The bigger dog barred its teeth. "Watch what you say, pup."

The smaller dog yapped, "I'm not a pup, I'm ninken. I bet I could beat you in a fight."

"Oh yeah?" Kuromaru gave a ferocious looking doggie grin. "Let's see you then."

He lunged for the dog who skittered away blindly only to be snatched up by a reaching hand. The dog yelped as the woman held him up to her chest, stroking him gently. "Who's a good little pup then? Who's a little cutie?"

Kakashi watched his youngest dog get tortured and thought it served him right. He'd been laughing along with all the others. Tsume called Kuromaru back to her side and everything settled down so that the only sound that could be heard was Bisuke's whimpers at being petted.

"Maa, I have eight dogs," Kakashi said, coming up with what must be his best idea yet, "And there are eight women here. So I'll allocate one ninken to each suitor and you can spend the day getting to know one another, right?"

There were a few nods, and Hinata looked uncertainly at Bull, the large bulldog. He was probably four times her size, Kakashi realized. "Suzume, you already have Bisuke." Bisuke let out an extra loud whine at that. "Ūhei, you take Kurenai, the one with red eyes. Akino, Yūgao with the long purple hair. Shiba, Anko's the one with the short purple hair. Pakkun, you go with Hinata. Guruko, Temari, the Suna girl. Urushi, you can have this one." He shook his arm, which Shizune was still hanging off. "And Bull, you get the Inuzuka. Alright?"

The dogs yipped agreements and shot off to their respective new acquaintances. Kakashi felt like he deserved a pat on the back. Now the kunoichi and his dogs would be busy and he wouldn't have to deal with any of them. He was a genius, after all. Although, he decided, he would take a listen in to some of their conversations. If he had to go through with this marriage thing it would be a good idea to pick someone who was at least a little compatible with his pack.

He skipped over Pakkun asking Hinata why she wanted to marry a bigheaded dolt like Kakashi and her stuttering reply to "P-Pakkun-sanl," paid no attention whatsoever to Bisuke's cries for help as Suzume clutched him to her chest with little coos of "Cutie-pie, Darling," and moved closer to Kurenai who looked up and smiled as he approached.

"I don't really understand why, but shinobi wear them and I quite liked the look, so I took it," his bandage-wearing ninken Ūhei was saying. "It makes me feel stronger and more serious."

"I feel much the same way," Kurenai said earnestly. "I think there's serious fashion in bandages that most people overlook. Plus, they're so practical. My dress can double as part of a first-aid kit when I'm out in the field."

Ūhei nodded solemnly in agreement, and Kakashi moved on. Well, at least they had something in common. Akino, a serious-looking tan-coloured dog wearing dark glasses, sat next to his assigned partner stoically. Neither Akino of Yūgao spoke. "You're not talking?" Kakashi asked.

The dog and the woman looked at each other, and then away. "We have an understanding," Akino said. "Her name is Yūgao. She is strong."

"And his is Akino," Yūgao said smoothly. "Isn't it enough to just sit and look at the world around us for a while?"

"Chatter is unnecessary," Akino agreed.

Kakashi smirked behind the mask. It might be a boring thing to have in common, but he had the feeling Akino was elated to find someone else like him. The rest of the pack liked to be moving and talking all the time.

He shield away from Anko and Shiba, a ninken with a dark tuft on his forehead who looked mildly threatening, who were arguing as if they've been at it all their lives.

"You look like a dirty hyena," Anko snapped.

"Your hair looks like a toilet brush," Shiba growled back.

"A kitten could fight better than you," Anko taunted.

Kakashi ignored them both. Eventually they'd get to the point where they'd physically attack each other, and if Anko got hurt then she'd probably be easier to deal with. Shizune, on the other hand, was being chastised by his snappiest ninken Urushi. "There is appropriate touching and there is inappropriate touching," Urushi was saying, pacing up and down. "You do not grab onto our master. That is inappropriate touching until you are mated."

"No sex before marriage?" Shizune groaned.

"Certainly not," Urushi snapped. "Now listen."

Kakashi smiled widely beneath the mask. Maybe he should keep Urushi around a bit more. The dog definitely deserved a big meaty steak for his efforts today. He wandered over to Tsume, only to realize she was alone with her own ninken. "Where's Bull?" he asked.

Tsume scowled and pointed without taking her eyes off the ground. He followed the direction of her finger to see Bull sitting slightly off the blanket, licking the First Hokage's head. Curious because the big lug of a dog had never disobeyed an order before he ambled over only to realize that his ninken was not licking the ground but Iruka's face. The man was lying between the dog's big paws, his lower body trapped under the main bulk of Bull's weight. "A little help?" he pleaded, looking up at Kakashi. "I think he's licking my skin off."

Kakashi smiled and pushed the big dog backwards. "Maa, I think he likes you Iruka-sensei."

Iruka stood up shakily and gave the ninken a small smile. "I like you too, Bull."

"Hey, Iruka-sensei, do you like me?" a small voice piped up.

"But you like me better, right?" another one said.

Kakashi looked down in surprise. Bisuke and Shiba were both giving Iruka pleading puppy dog looks that they hadn't used since, well, since they were puppies. Iruka knelt down in front of them and gave a genuine smile. "I like you both equally. You're strong and smart and Kakashi-san should be proud to have you as ninken. That goes for you too, Bull." He smiled up at the big dog who nearly knocked him over with another big lick.

"Did you hear that? Did you hear that? He said I'm fast and strong!" Bisuke yipped, jumping up and down on the spot. Akino looked over and wrinkled his nose in distaste. Yūgao smiled.

Kakashi stared at Iruka. "I didn't assign you any ninken, so how did you end up with three?"

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-san." Iruka's cheeks dusted pink and he scratched his scar awkwardly. "It's just that, Kuromaru-san was making fun of Bull for not being able to talk and Tsume said he's not smart enough to be a proper ninken so he should just go away. So I said he could come and talk to me if he wanted."

Kakashi glared at Tsume before turning back to Iruka. "And Bisuke?"

"All I did was tell Suzume that she shouldn't cuddle ninken because they have their pride and they're warriors, not pets. She stormed off in a bit of a huff."

The jōnin raised an eyebrow. "Shiba?"

"Well, him and Anko were yelling so I told them if they didn't stop I'd throw them both off the cliff. He said he wouldn't be able to speak calmly around Anko so I told him to just come sit with me."

"I see," Kakashi said, although in truth he was slightly jealous of the way that Bisuke was looking up at Iruka with unabashed adoration in his eyes. That little slut. He'd only just met the man! And he'd never looked at Kakashi like that before. He moved away to see how Temari and Guruko were getting along so that Iruka wouldn't see how disappointed he was that his ninken had abandoned him for another man.

The sand-nin was in the middle of introducing Guruko to her weasel summon Kamatari and looked up as Kakashi walked over. "Kakashi-san. I thought it would be wise to introduce my summon also."

Kakashi nodded. "Good thinking, Temari-san." The weasel was almost as big as his dog, and Guruko looked slightly in awe of it. It stood on its hind legs, carried a scythe, and wore a red waistcoat and bandages over one eye. "That's a cool weapon," he said gruffly.

"Hey! If everybody else gets summons, then I get summons too!" Anko screeched, and with a bang and a cloud of smoke a large mass of writhing snakes appeared in the middle of the blanket. Temari pulled out her fan defensively and Suzume screamed. Kakashi glanced over at Bull who was, as he had expected, a quivering mass of terrified dog. What he hadn't expected to see was Iruka standing in front of the giant ninken with a kunai in his hand and his mouth set into a grim line. "Call them back, Anko," he yelled. "You're making a big deal out of nothing."

Sulking, the tokubetsu jōnin did as he asked before transporting away. Kakashi let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He watched as Iruka put a hand on Bull's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. The big dog miraculously stopped trembling, and even attempted a small lick of Iruka's face.

Tsunade stumbled onto the blanket woozily, one arm around Kotetsu and the other around Izumo. Both chūnin wore horrified expressions. "Did we miss anything?" she slurred.

o0o

Kakashi leaned back on the Sandaime's hair, studying his ninken. He'd taken the chance to speak to them away from the women because he was starting to feel a bit crazy surrounded by all those Kunoichi. "Maa, boys, who should I keep?"

The ninken looked at each other, and then Pakkun stepped forward. "We all agree on the person who is right for you," the pug declared.

"You do?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. He had been sure Ūhei would vote Kurenai and Akino Yūgao. He hadn't thought that the others had gotten on well with their respective 'dates' at all and besides, the ninken never voted unanimously. Even when they actually did agree on something they dissented just because they knew it would piss him off.

"Aye," Pakkun said solemnly. "We have decided that the person we think is suited to be your mate is Umino Iruka."

Kakashi fell over. When he'd finally composed himself he pushed off the ground, dusted himself off and said calmly, "You know that Iruka-sensei is a man, right?"

Seven doggie heads nodded. Bisuke looked stunned. "But she – he – has long hair! Male humans are supposed to have short hair."

Pakkun swiped the back of his pack mate's head with his paw. "Baka! Don't you remember Master Sakumo?"

Bisuke put his paws over his eyes and whined pitifully. "Sakumo-sama was a man?"

Shiba sniggered. "Bisuke-chan, there are different ways to tell a male human from a female than the length of their hair."

"Shut up, all of you!" Kakashi cut in. "You can't choose Iruka."

All eight dogs stared at him. "Why not?" Pakkun asked.

"Because he's not part of the competition. The purpose of this is for me to produce a child. Iruka and I cannot produce children together because we are both male," Kakashi said, gritting his teeth.

"But Kakashi, you asked us who you should keep, not who you should have a pup with," Pakkun pointed out. "We like Iruka-sensei. All the Kunoichi are crazy." The rest of the ninken nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

Kakashi sighed heavily. "So aside from Iruka, would you pick anyone else?"

Eight ninken shook their heads. Kakashi pressed his palm against his forehead, hard, and made a shooing motion with his other hand. "Alright, then, you useless mutts. Get lost."

There was a volley of 'pop's and a muttered, "Iruka-sensei would never call us that," and Kakashi brought his hand down with a sigh. Then he glared. "Pakkun, why are you still here?"

The pug stared up at him smugly. "I'm staying."

"I see that," Kakashi said tersely, "Why are you staying?"

"Because this," Pakkun said, trotting off in the direction of the picnic blanket happily, "Looks like it will be highly amusing."

Kakashi scowled but followed him anyway.

o0o

Tsunade handed him a box of chocolates with a grin. "You choose now, brat."

Kakashi looked at the box in his hands and frowned. "I don't like sweets."

"They're not for you, they're for your suitors," Tsunade said with an exasperated sigh, as if it was perfectly obvious what he was supposed to do with them.

"But there's only six in here," Kakashi said, opening the box.

Tsunade's fist came down hard on Kotetsu's head. "I told you to leave seven, baka!" she cried, before turning back to Kakashi. "It's how you choose who gets to continue to the next day. Choose six Kunoichi to give a rose to and the other two have to go home."

Izumo tugged on her sleeve, looking slightly worried about his friend who had fallen when Tsunade hit him and had yet to get up. "Uh, Tsunade-sama? When I said roses I meant the flower, not the chocolate type. And you're supposed to do it in a more formal ceremonial type setting."

"Bah, flowers are boring. And I'm sick of having to go to stuffy meetings. Kakashi doesn't need a ceremony, I'm just waiting to see how much I'm going to win and the less effort is put into this the sooner I get my prize money," Tsunade said gruffly. "Chop chop, brat, the pub is waiting."

Kakashi stared at the chocolates thoughtfully, then simply said, "Hinata," and tossed one in her direction. Hinata caught it, her cheeks turning a pale shade of pink. She bowed low. "Arigato, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi inclined his head slightly at her, then tossed the next one. "Kurenai."

Izumo buried his head in his hands and groaned. "You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to have reasons. This isn't right."

Kotetsu eyed him suspiciously. "Just how much civilian reality TV do you watch anyway, 'Zumo?"

Izumo turned red and shut up.

"Yūgao. Shizune. Suzume. Temari." Kakashi flicked the last chocolates to the women he'd named and turned to Tsunade, who was staring blankly and looked as if she'd missed everything that had just happened. "I'm done. Can I go now?"

She nodded and Kakashi dropped the box, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Pakkun followed suit. Tsunade scratched her head. "So who's out?"

The Kunoichi all looked at each other. They'd been too busy listening for their own name and hadn't bothered remembering anyone else's.

"I believe it is Anko and Tsume-san, Hokage-sama," Iruka said quietly. "Anko has already left, though, so you might have to inform her of that tomorrow."

"Ah."

They all turned to look at Tsume, who crossed her arms in front of her chest and scowled. Kuromaru barred his teeth. "I'll find a better man," she cried. "Just you wait." They all watched in silence as she and Kuromaru ran down the First Hokage's face and away across the village.

Suzume looked at her chocolate and pushed her glasses further up her nose. "You know," she said thoughtfully, "We all have different coloured chocolates. I wonder if it means anything?"

Six pairs of eyes drifted from their hands to lock onto the chocolate box. Shizune got there first, and held it up out of everyone else's reach. "Mine is bronze and black. That means," she searched quickly for the picture on the box, "It's a Caramello Deluxe. Does that mean he thinks I'm sweet?" She clutched the chocolate to her chest and swooned. "I am never eating this. I'm keeping it forever. Kakashi-san thinks I'm sweet."

Temari snatched the box from her grasp and studied the flavour guide. "Mine's Peppermint Crème. So I am… fresh and invigorating?" A sprinkling of pink dusted her cheeks. "He must have looked up my file and figured out I have wind nature chakra. That's so adorable!"

Suzume shook the box out of Temari's hands. "Turkish delight. I'm delightful?" She smiled happily. "He thinks I'm delightful."

"Excuse me, Suzume-san, could I look?" Hinata asked politely.

Suzume handed her the box with a smile. "I'm delightful!"

Hinata smiled back nervously. "Thank you, Suzume-san."

Kurenai peered over her student's shoulder. "What did you get, Hinata?"

The Hyūga heiress looked over the list carefully. "Strawberry Crème," she said softly. "What does that mean?"

Kurenai squeezed her shoulder. "To tell you the truth, I doubt it means anything. Kakashi really doesn't care as much about this as anyone else does."

"No, it means sweet, ripe innocence ready to be plucked," Suzume said dreamily.

Hinata stepped back nervously. "What did you get, Kurenai-sensei?"

Kurenai uncurled her hand to reveal a silver and red wrapped chocolate. "Cherry Heaven. To match my eyes." She smiled. "Yūgao-san, what's yours?"

The purple-haired ANBU shook her head. "It's of no importance to me. These 'roses' mean nothing." She dropped her chocolate back in the box and disappeared in a cloud of chakra smoke.

"Bleh. What a spoil sport," Tsunade snorted, making a face. She grabbed Kotetsu's camera and held it out in front of her face. "Now that Anko and Tsume have been eliminated, we're all going to the Shuriken Shack to get trashed! Make sure you place your bets, and remember to tune in tomorrow, same time, same place. Ja ne!"