The Irony Gods: Chapter 2 (EDITED)

Insanity: Please Do Not Feed the Animal

Three hours. Three, freaking hours of driving through a desert wasteland. Silently, in my head, I both begged for death and celebrated my life.

Plus side: I was now in the presence of perhaps my favorite anime on the face of the earth. Most would call this a "good thing", despite the fact that I was now a cartoon and couldn't figure out where my pores had gone.

How many rabid fans out there were blessed enough to experience this sort of mishap anyway? Not many, I was willing to wager. Despite the fuming monk behind me giving off vibes to scare a pissed-off lion, I was kind of elated to know that I had attained something of which most could only dream, even if it might end in my untimely demise.

Down side: I had lost my DVD. I was certain of it. Or rather, I had lost the box. The DVD itself was still in the player, I surmised, but the box was lost forever! Where would I find another box as such? And I was hungry. I had missed lunch because of the corollary to Wood's decree: we were to experience the joys of fourth lunch on this day, in exchange for happy movie time…only I never would. I was stuck in this endless desert with a cranky monk, a perverted water sprite, a monkey king, and a guy who laughed at all the wrong moments.

Well, at least Goku was exactly my height. It was a small victory for short people everywhere. He was awesome, so, by corollary, I was also awesome.

My brain operated on highly self-serving REASON.

"So, uh, where is this village you keep telling me about?" I ventured to ask Hakkai after the Madness began encroaching upon what meager Sanity I had left. "I hate to beat a dead horse, but I'm kinda hungry."

There was a scuffling sound behind me. "See that, you stupid chibi monkey! Now you've gone and left the girl hungry!"

"Oww! Leggo my leg! I hafta eat something! An' th' meat buns were all we had left!"

"SILENCE!!" I flinched as three explosive shots pierced the noise and shattered the last barriers protecting my Sanity. Ah ha ha! I have you now! The Madness chuckled ominously. I gradually felt my brain melting to the consistency of warm Jell-O.

Hakkai just laughed lightly at their silliness, and I contemplated suicide. "The map says that we only have a few miles left until we reach the city of Aoki," monocle commented. "I have heard that it's a prime tourist spot, but what with all the youkai attacks…well, it may be a bit more leery of strangers."

"Do you think we'll be attacked?" I inquired, trying my damnedest to ignore the shouts and gunshots in the back seat. I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die.

"Considering who we are, probably. But if you already know us you should already know as well that we are a bit more resilient than the average human being." He swerved to avoid a rock that had sprouted out of nowhere on the other side of a sand dune and the three in the back shouted in terror as we skidded sideways down the slope and came to rest at the craggy edge of a massive gorge. On the other side, a bustling, albeit old-fashioned metropolis glittered in the baking sun.

"Hakkai you madman! Are you trying to kill us with your insane driving?!" Gojyo muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Hakkai asked politely, wearing a terrifying grin.

"N-nothing!" There was another scuffle as—I assumed—Gojyo ducked under a blanket.

Damn, this was weirdest crap I had ever dreamed up…assuming that this was all a massive hallucination, of course. "Is that the city?" I questioned, figuring that a change of topic was in order.

"Yes. We'll have to find a bridge across or go around."

"Well ain't that just a peach," I sighed, sinking back into the comfy seat cushions. "By the way, nice seats, Hakuryu."

The jeep cheeped bashfully.

Sweet sanity, where had I put the strait jacked I had worn on Halloween? This was the perfect time to utilize its abilities, and I had done the silly thing and forgotten it. Note to self: purchase strait jacket and wear at all times.

"So where didja come from?" Goku asked me as we took off north to find a bridge or the end of the gorge—whichever came first. "You were just lying in th' sand when we found you. That's kinda weird, don'tcha think?"

"Actually, yes. I think it's very, very weird. However, I am incapable of explaining the complex quantum physics involved in time and dimensional and whatever the hell other kind of travel to which I have been subjected. I'm just thankful that I came across with all my limbs intact."

"Where were you before you showed up in the desert, then?"

The jeep had gone strangely quiet. I pretended that it hadn't. "I was in class, watching 'Stimpy's Invention' in peace, when the projector screen imploded and sucked me into this world."

"None of that makes any sense," Sanzo was kind enough to point out.

At last, I turned around, met those eerie violet eyes, and replied flatly, "Thank you, Captain Obvious. Would you like the cookie or the kitten as your prize?"

He stiffened noticeably and Goku and Gojyo stifled their giggles. "He wants the kitten," Gojyo coughed.

World War III commenced. (Or is that World War Zero, since One and Two had already taken place—or rather, would take place in the twentieth century? …I could sense a migraine coming on.)

"Say it again, kappa! Say it again!" Several rounds zipped by my head as Sanzo attempted to murder Gojyo, and Goku appeared between the seats, squeezing through after much frantic effort and ending up at my feet in terrified chibi form.

"Don't kill me!" he squeaked helplessly, clinging to my leg.

Sanzo attempted to go after Goku as well, but as he reached over my shoulder to grab the little monkey, I snapped and stood, spinning around and backhanding him across the face before I even knew what I was doing, "Leave the monkey alone! Water Boy's the one you're after!"

He flinched, and then dropped his arm in surprise. The jeep stopped. Everyone stared at me in awe. Giant sweat drops appeared beside Hakkai's and Gojyo's ears. Goku clung to a large banana, still in chibi form, only with a Goku head and a monkey body. A tiny heart hovered above his head. It was almost too cute to bear.

"You just hit Sanzo," Gojyo whispered.

"Impressive," commented Hakkai.

"Aren't you going to do anything?!" the former demanded of the monk.

Sanzo blinked through his bangs, frowned at Gojyo, and quicker-than-lightning he smacked Gojyo upside his head with the paper fan. "Shut the hell up, kappa."

"Son of a bitch, Sanzo! I wasn't the one who hit you, y'know!"

"So? She's a fucking kid." He looked at me for a moment, seemed to come to a conclusion, and sat back down to smoke another cigarette. "Not bad, for a kid."

"WHAT?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!" Gojyo screamed. The paper fan flew up again and smashed him in the face, sending blood flying over the edge of the jeep. Sanzo put on his reading glasses and began perusing the periodicals.

"Watch the monkey for me," he told me offhandedly. He glanced at Hakkai. "What are you looking at? Drive already."

That was all they needed in order to proceed, and I nearly suffered from whiplash when the jeep took off again. Cripes, what a violent ride just looking for a bridge! "How is it that you people haven't gotten killed just by driving?" I wanted to know. "The terrain sucks!"

"You get used to it," Sanzo muttered.

Goku had regained a human body, but still coddled the banana as if it were a baby. Weird. He looked up at me and grinned, and I picked him up and placed him beside me after I scooted far against the door. "Don't you go and grow up without warning me, got it, Goku?" He just giggled and hugged the banana. I envied him. I was hungry, and he had the banana.

I had a stroke of genius (sort of).

"Heyyyyyy, Goku?" He grinned up at me again, growing fangs and pink dots on his cheeks (too cute!). "Can we split that banana? Lydia is starving hungry and she'll be your friend for the remainder of eternity if you share."

He frowned in consternation, as though this were the most difficult question he could ever be asked, and suddenly he transformed into a midget chibi Seiten Taisei and started growling defensively. My banana! Nooooo! My banana! Grrrr! Then he leapt to the back seat between Sanzo and Gojyo and began to pet the banana in a very disconcerting fashion. (My preciousssss! I could almost hear him saying in a hissing, mucous-impaired voice. He didn't actually say it, but I could hear it in my head.)…

Note to self: Get tested for dementia. I may have gone senile at a young age and didn't even know it.

"Okay, well that answers that," I grumbled along with my stomach. "Don't you people dare be at all shocked when I shrivel and die! I have diabetes!"

"Diabetes?" Hakkai looked at me strangely.

"It's a sugar thing. If I don't get something to eat, I'll die." Hadn't I just said that? Maybe I was trapped in a time loop too. Wait, no. I didn't know that escarpment at all. Time was fine…FOR NOW! Heh-heh….escarpment….and to think I had once actually assumed that geography class was a waste of time.

"Hello? Did you hear me at all?" Hakkai broke through my musings and added a hint of worry to the peculiar stare.

"I'm tired," I murmured after a thought. I hunched down in my seat and glared at the floor. "I want to go home. This has been a blast, people, but I want to go home." Oh, how I wanted food! And my DVD! And my BOX!!

"Well, I don't know about home—you're apparently from another time and place much different from our own—but I think I see a natural bridge up ahead. Those are fairly safe to cross, and if all else fails we can walk and Hakuryu can fly."

"What?" I sat up and squinted ahead with all my might. Of course, there isn't much might you can put into squinting, but I believe it is important to at least put a little effort into whatever you do—so I squinted mightily, and could just barely make out the thin line of rosy stone arcing across the schism in the earth. "How the crap can you see that? I'm not wearing my glasses, but you only have one useful eye! I've been wondering: how's the depth perception you get with that anyway?"

"Not so good, but one can cope with the little things."

"Most people don't try to take out their own eyeballs, dude."

"Ha-ha-ha…no, I suppose not. That was just a bad day, right, Gojyo?"

"Speak for yourself," his friend muttered, still tweaked that Sanzo had let me off.

"Enough sad stuff! Let's go get some food!" cried the monkey king. He shouted "Wheeee!" at the top of his lungs as the jeep picked up speed—I presumed this to be his battle cry—and within minutes we had gained all the ground we could on the bridge. Then Hakkai jerked the jeep left and we commenced working the extra ground off at twice the original rate.

I looked over the side of the jeep, realized that we had a shrinking two feet of clearance on either side before a plunge into the abyss, and sat back. I closed my eyes and begged the Irony Gods not to take my life just yet.

I needed to eat first. Then they could go and take it.

(Author's note)

Just to clarify a couple things brought up by valued customers: there will not be a love interest. To anybody who has read it so far and wants there to be one, sorry, no dice. I'd like pure, unbridled fun in this one. There will be lewd suggestions made by a certain somebody who shall not be named…mostly because this person is the obvious culprit to the educated soul—but I prefer not to complicate complications. You do not reinvent the wheel, nor do you beat a dead horse—and neither do you reinvent the dead horse nor beat the wheel—without dire consequences…and I'm just too lazy to stress over that kind of crap here when I can stress like a madwoman over my book any time. Ah, simple simplicity—with mad twist o rabid bunnies! (Props to Monty Python!)

And to anybody who reads this gibberish, PLEASE REVIEW! I have no other way of knowing whether or not people are reading, and if I feel like people don't read, I get all sad and stuff…hangs head.