My interpretation after Chris left SVU. Of course I wrote this wayyyy before the season 13 premiere. I don't own.

Elliot has been sitting at his desk threading his pencil through his fingers for the past hour. He had sat through several phone calls and was no where near present when Olivia walked in and sat down at her desk across from him ten minutes ago.

She had been in court all day and hadn't been able to talk to Elliot since the incident. It's now Monday evening and everyone has seemingly gone home but Elliot still sits at his desk in a comprehensible daze.

"Hey, El." Olivia greets him in a soft tone.

She had been there, the day the shooting went down in the squad room. She had seen the look on the girl's face as she pointed her gun and fired aimlessly and Olivia remembered the look on Elliot's face when he took the crucial shot that ended the young girl's life.

She had felt the hole rip into Elliot's soul that day as well and now she has no idea how she can help him. She wants so desperately to help him and comfort him but he refuses any of it. He pushes her away like he always does when he thinks accepting help is weakening his resolve.

Elliot hasn't aknowelgded her greeting yet and continues to stare ahead. He then gets up and walks toward the bathrooms, leaving her dumbfounded once again. What the hell is going on in his mind?

He needs space. He needs an escape. This case is harder than he expected... since he was the killer. He had killed a girl. How can he forgive himself? How can his partner forgive him? He remembers the look of utter shock and sadness that came across her face when he made eye contact with her. He had kneeled over the girl's lifeless body and all he felt like was a monster and he did not understand it.

What would have happened if he hadn't taken the shot? How many other people would have died? Could he have just wounded her? The more he thinks about it, the more he doubts his ability to make close judgment calls in the future. And to top it all off, he isn't sure if his partner understands it either. He killed a girl. He killed someone the same age as his daughter. Elizabeth.

Walking into the restroom, he robotically closes the door behind him and just stands with his back against it for a moment. Finally, after taking a deep breath, he walks over to the sinks and turns the cold water on and lets it run until it's icy cold to the touch. As he waits for the water temperatue to adjust, he steals a peak at himself in the mirror above the sinks.

But what he sees is frightening. He is a mess. His eyes have wrinkles around them from a lack of sleep, he jaw is always clenching and the pressure against his upper skull sends a shooting pain throughout his head. He needs rest, a few days off, at least until he could compose himself. Kathy had called and told him to come home to do so, but he couldn't go home. He couldn't face her. If he didn't think his own partner could understand his actions, what would make his wife understand.

His partner usually understands everything he's feeling, the reason many times he would stay away from home because his wife never understood but she would try to console him anyway and that's not what he wants right now. Not with his own kids there, the ones who happen to be around the same age as the girl he killed, he reminds himself again, the guilt raging through his veins.

He finally runs his hands underneath the cold water and splashes his face several times. After his skin becomes numb from the spearing coldness, his hands immediately fly to his face as he begins to tremble, and he's sure it's not because of the water.

...

Olivia sits at her desk and waits for Elliot to return. She's going to talk to him this time. When he comes back, she has to do something. She can see him withering away in front of her and it's scaring the shit out of her. She knows what must be going on in his mind. She knows he feels ashamed of killing that young girl, but she also knows he had to at least stop her some how, if not, there is no telling how many more casualties there'd today, a week later.

She knows Elliot well enough, and that no matter what had been his judgment call, that he had made the right decision at the right time. She can't understand why he is distancing himself from her. She had thought he would know she understood why he did what he did, but as the days passed, the more he dismisses any type of consoling she offeres him. It isn't her job to console him, she knows it, he knows it, but she feels she has to, or she'll nosedive just as he's done thinking she's not doing enough.

They have been partners for way too long for this. She realizes that Elliot hasn't been home since it happened and she feels for him.

Her love for him is at an overhaul. There is nothing more she wants to do than hold him and tell him he'll be ok. She understands he doesn't realize that now, but she can't help but feel useless. But, she's afraid of what it'll mean if she cares too much. Elliot won't allow himself to accept it, at least right now. Just by reading his eyes, as dazed as they had been, she knows that he thinks she's disappointed in his actions, disappointed in him.

Olivia taps her own pen against the top of her desk, curving her mouth down in a frown as she stares in the direction of the restrooms. Elliot's been gone for awhile, and she knows he hasn't come out yet, so she scoots back from her desk and tentatively heads for him.

Because whatever he thinks she's feeling toward him, the disappointment, it is so far from the truth. All she's ever wanted to do is be there for him.

...

Olivia stands outside the restroom doors hearing the water running on the other side. She starts to knock until she hears the water faucet turn off. She ponders whether or not to just walk in but then she hears a bathroom stall open and close and thinks again of leaving him alone to his privacy. But instead, she courteously taps on the door anyways. When she gets no response, she taps again and still nothing.

Courtesy only goes so far, she think and pushes the door open. By the sounds coming from the stall she can tell Elliot is inside trying to collect himself. She goes to the stall he's obviously in and lightly taps on the metal door.

"Elliot... are you ok?"

Elliot lets out a heavy sigh as he lifts his head up from his palms. up from his palms. "Liv?" he questions as he looks up, noticing a shadow in the crack between each stall. "Liv, what are you doing in here?"

"I'm sorry, El. I was just seeing if you were ok. Are you?" she asks as she shifts her weight to her other leg while waiting for his response outside the closed stall door.

Sounding slightly frustrated he answers, "Yea, Liv. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be, just using the bathroom."

Olivia recognizes his tone and isn't about to let it go. She's tired of letting him think she doesn't understand what he's feeling. "Elliot."

She really doesn't know what to say, if she thinks about. She doesn't want to argue with him but she wants him to know that he doesn't have to go through this alone. How can she make him understand that no matter what he's going through, she understands his pain right now?

Feeling frustrated with him all of a sudden she bursts out, "Elliot, will you just please talk to me? I don't understand the way you treat me sometimes. Like I don't understand!"

Elliot blinks a few times before standing up and opening the stall door and exiting, walking straight past his partner and heading towards the sinks again. He pretends to wash his hands as Olivia watches him with her hands dangling at her hips and a disappointed look on her face.

Elliot briefly glances at her through the reflection on the mirror. "What do you want me to say, what do you want me to do? Forget what happened? Because I don't know about you, but this is something pretty hard to forget!" he exclaims.

He doesn't care how loud he gets because no one is left in the squad room anyways. It's late, midnight or so and he had wished at one point he was the only one there but Olivia, being the loyal partner she is, had come back after being in court all day.

Olivia blinks her eyes at his tone of voice, stepping towards him, standing only inches from his face.

"Elliot, don't give me that. I'm not asking you to forget anything! I'm only asking you to talk to me! I'm your partner, I care for you! You act like I'm not here sometimes and that I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, when I'm one of the only ones who knows exactly what you're going through! So stop pushing me away!"

She is furious and her hand is now pushing his shoulder making him face her slightly. He holds his stance for a few seconds as his upper body stays turned towards the mirror. Finally, he turns around and looks her in the eyes as if he's in a trance.

His mind is running wild and he doesn't know what to say. He knows she's right. He also wans to hear her say something again but doesn't dare ask her to and it baffles him that he's thinking of that right now.

I care for you.

He had stopped registering what she had said after that. She cares for him. After what he's put her through all these years? He then blinks his eyes and then looking down at his feet. He moves his lower body closer to her and then lightly rests his hands on her shoulders. After a few moments, his breath hitches in his throat, and he can't say anything to her right now. He notices Olivia's breathing quicken as well and right then he decides he needs to get away.

Away from her.

And then "I care for you," registers in his brain again and being so close to her feels extremely dangerous. He drops his hands from her shoulders raggedly and walks quickly out of the bathroom leaving Olivia stunned. She stands in the middle of the room few seconds longer than she had intended before following Elliot out, who she figures out is already heading toward the locker room by the incessant clunking of his boots on the stairs leading upstairs.

eoeoeoeo

He's taking his shirt off so he can take a cold shower to clear his mind when he hears the locker room door open. He can't help wonder how much Olivia cares for him. That one sentence keeps playing tug of war in his mind. Does he just play it off or does he let what he feels likewise towards her out of his own mouth. He cares for her too. He knows it now, he knew it back when they first met but he couldn't get it out of his mouth earlier in the bathroom with her so close to him.

He wants her to know more than anything he cares too. But what does it mean? He's not sure he'd explain it right what se means with all this guilt overflowing his pores. He cares for her of course, but he can't shake the fact that he does care for her much more than she might imagine. He continues to unbutton his shirt when he hears the heels of her boots start to click on the concrete floor, getting closer and closer to him.

She had followed him to the lockers and he isn't surprised because that's who she is and he's amazed she still follows him, even after what he's done, she surprises the hell out of him. He continues to unbutton his shirt until she appears around the corner slightly taken aback by his attire..

"Elliot... ohh I'm sorry... but please. Let me say something..."

"I'm leaving SVU," comes from Elliot's mouth before she can finish her thought.

A moment of complete stillness overcomes them both and the silence pours in between them. Her eyes are bold and her mouth twists in confusions.

"W-what? Elliot, please don-.."

"Olivia, I've made up my mind. I need a change," he replies looking down at his hands dangling loosely at his sides, his shirt slightly open showing his bulging, toned upper chest. He looks back up to see a hurt look on Olivia's face like she had been kicked in the stomach herself. He thinks he saw a tear form in the corner of her eye as the dim locker room light caught her beautiful facial features that exact moment but he's too coward to find out for sure as he turns around and starts to pull his shirt all the way off. If he watches her mouth hang open in confusion and despair any longer, he'll lose it himself. He immediatly feels a wave of guilt come over him. "I'm sorry, Olivia," he breathes out into the open locker in front of him.

She begins to walk toward him standing face to face with him again. She puts one hand on his upper bicep noticing the tone muscle there as well and looks into his blue, but weary eyes with her own dark brown eyes which now had pools of tears forming around them. "Why won't you talk to me?" She whispers pleadingly. "You can tell me and not feel the need to run away. God, Elliot, don't make split second decisions when you're hur-..."

Elliot turns his body and closes his locker, the loud clank stopping her mid sentence. He turns back around and stares at his partner who is pleading with him. He removes her hand from his arm with his other hand and holds it by her waist. "Olivia, I care about you too. I don't want to take it out on you anymore," he whispers to her. "Please understand."

She grasps at his hand that's holding hers and puts her other one on it, bringing his hand up to her mouth, kissing it lightly before bringing his back down in front of them, letting it go. She intertwines her hands and wraps them behind her head in frustation.

"Elliot, I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening again. I didn't mean it before and now you, you're...," she trails off. She can't take it anymore and feels the need to burst into tears, but she won't. She can't, that's not what they need right now. He can't see her weaknesses right now. She starts to walk away from Elliot then, to get away from him, out of the locker room, somewhere out of the precinct, to just let him go so she can think, to comprehend.

Elliot had just said he was leaving and she feels like her whole world is about to implode. Suddenly, she feels her body jerk away from the direction of the doors and immediately she feels a tight grip on her upper arm. It's Elliot's hand with a firm grasp on her, keeping her from moving. But she wants to run and cry in private, not in front of him, but he holds her there. His eyes are piercing through her as she stares back at him and his eyes are now full of sadness. He pulls her toward him, and then turning, pushes her against the locker in one swift movement. The motion causes a loud clang escape into the room as Olivia's back ricochets off the cold metal.

He isn't angry anymore at himself for what he had done in the precinct days before. His anger stems from his own stupidy for having never given his partner, his best friend, his confidante, what she so desperately needed from him for so many years. His love. He loves her and now he has her pressed against the dark green lockers, in the locker room, in the dark, where no one is around. It's after hours and his head is spinning with so many emotions. He loves this woman and he kicks himself in the ass for not telling her what he had mentally wanted to for so long.

He presses her shoulders against the metal as she stares at him wide eyed. She isn't sure if she should be scared or what. He moves his body closer to hers, pinning her against the lockers with nowhere to go as he puts his face next to her left ear. "I love you, Olivia. I always have. I'm a coward, I'm a fucking coward. Please forgive me."

He lowers his head to Olivia's shoulder and a small sob falls from his lips. Olivia is stunned by his words yet again. So she gently grabs his head and strokes the back of his hair.

Just her touch sends him into overdrive and he then decides to test limits and boundaries as he reaches his hands up to stroke the sides of her waist. Immediately upon contact, he can feel her breath hitch and it makes him want to get even closer as her husky voice infiltrates his mind.

"It's ok, Elliot. I understand. You don't have to hide anything from me... I love you too. Always have." She gives him a smile trying to reassure him, repeating his "always have" line. "You're my best friend, Elliot. I can't imagine doing this job without you though. I can't imagine waking up each day knowing I won't see you or at least hear your voice. That's why I don't think I can handle you leaving..."

Elliot pulls his head away from Olivia's shoulder and lightly grips her sides with his neck still in her palms. He gives her a surprised look at her revelation and can't believe he hadn't see it all along. He IS all she has. How can he leave her? She needs him in ways that she'll never admit but always express in the simplest of contacts, and he needs her just as much.

He continues to hold her hips as he stares down in between their bodies. His partner is beautiful and he has always been in love with her demeanor and felt a special kind of love develop for her, something stronger than anything he had felt before. He had always sensed she might feel the same and now he knows. She loves him and sees the same things in him as well, even though he doesn't think he deserves her love sometimes by the way he treats her. But, if she can love him after all they have been through and still hold onto their connection no matter what, then there is nothing stopping him from what he's about to do.

He looks up from in between them and catches her eyes with his own. When she starts to look away, he quickly reaches up and lifts her chin again. "I wanna show you how much I love you, Olivia. I wanna make sure you never forget. I've wasted so much time and I can never forgive myself if I leave without showing you," he confesses as her dark brown eyes begin to pool with unshed tears.

"No," she pleads softly. "I don't want to be left here wondering what happened with us." She had waited so long for someone to tell her they loved her and really mean it. The way Elliot is holding her right now and staring at her, she wants to believe it. She runs a finger across his cheek and sighs softly, wondering how they've gotten here to this point.

Elliot rubs his fingers across her cheekbones sending heat throughout her body. "Olivia, just let me show you, I want you to remember. You need to know," he whispers as he runs his fingers down her cheek again and then across her lips.

In a quivering voice Olivia replies, "Ok. Show me."

Elliot lets go of her for a few seconds as he goes to the locker room doors, locking them. She stands speechless against the lockers, watching Elliot fumble with the locker room doors and heart racing. Her face displays a look of confusion, amazement and longing all in one but deep down her body displays relief.

Elliot wants to give her something that she could only fantasize about until now.

S/N: Part 2? I think so. No worries plenty of EO sexytiems in the next part. I'm one for lots of buildup ;)