Song : Obsession - SHINee
Puck didn't even know where to start. Now he was thinking of new ways that he could hurt himself when he got home. He should have said no, he should have come up with the lamest excuse in the whole world and say no to Finn. But no. Of course he didn't said anything like it. He said yes, with an eagerness that Finn just thought it was because he had a new game and wanted Puck to try it out with him.
But honestly, Puck didn't cared about the stupid game at all. He just realized that going to Finn's house was an excuse to be closer to Kurt. They wouldn't talk, they would just give each other a couple of pleasant words and then the soprano would do whatever he did in that basement. But that would be enough for Puck! That would be enough, just being able to hear that voice next to him would be enough.
That was what Puck wanted, but as always he never got what he wanted. As soon he stepped inside the house, he saw his precious soprano and Blaine. They were so distracted with their holding, touching...their kissing, they didn't payed attention to him of Finn. Kurt was focused on the other guy and that made Puck almost lose it.
He couldn't believe it what he was seeing. It was so painful, it was a torture. He hear his heart stop and he could feel it breaking piece by piece. Why was life so cruel to him? What did he do to deserve such a punishment? He had became a pretty decent guy, didn't he? He was even looking for a new job...but why couldn't Kurt see it? Would Puck forever the same horrible, heartless bully? But...he changed. He changed so much! He was even friends with Artie now...so why couldn't Kurt see it?
And to make everything worst now, Puck couldn't sleep. Why did he accepted to spend the night in that house? Deep down he knew it would be one of the most painful things in the world, but even so, he hoped he would be able to be with Kurt, even if it was just for a couple of seconds. He continued looking to the ceiling and he could swear he was hearing Kurt's voice. His whispers, his moans...everything. He sounded exactly like Puck dreamed. Every single thing.
He tried to close his eyes and fall into a deep slumber. He tried to close his eyes and go back to the world he created, where everything was perfect and the way it should be. But he couldn't. The more he tried, the more he heard Kurt. He couldn't take it anymore. Slowly, He got up from the floor of Finn's room and left the room. He didn't have to worry about the noise since Finn slept like a rock and could sleep through a tornado.
Step by step, Puck walked slowly and the more he did, the louder he could heart Kurt. He knew the soprano and Blaine weren't making any noise, but in his head, the two of them were the loudest human beings in the whole world. All he could hear was them. All he could see was them. Nothing else.
He finally got there. He was finally in front of Kurt's bedroom door and the noises became even louder, and he could picture everything. It was like in his dreams. He couldn't stop imagining how soft Kurt's skin would be, he couldn't stop imagining how his lips would taste and how the soprano would touch him. It was heaven. It was exactly what Puck wanted, what he needed. He pressed his ear at the door, wanting to hear more of Kurt's voice, but instead he heard Blaine say 3words that made him realize he wasn't dreaming.
Everything was real. This wasn't another dream. This was reality. "I love you.." He heard Blaine whisper and what happened next made Puck almost scream in pain. "I love you too." No! Kurt shouldn't be saying those things. Not to Blaine. It should be him, not Blaine. It should be him embracing the soprano and declaring his love over and over again.
He could feel his heart beating so fast, like he had been running miles, and his breathing was becoming heavier by the second. He was scared. He didn't want this reality! He wanted to go back to his dreams. He wanted to go back to his stories, he wanted to go back to the place he was happy, really happy.
He wanted to have Kurt back. He wanted Kurt to leave that stupid private school once and for all. Puck promised himself that if the soprano went back, he would confess and would never let him go. Why did Kurt left? Why did Kurt left him? If the soprano had told him...if he had told him everything that happened he would have protected him! He would have protected him from Karosfsky and he wouldn't allow the other jocks to lay a finger on him. Everything would be different, everything would be perfect. Just like he imagined it.
My hands tremble more,
Why are my broken legs still standing here?
I can't even remember,
Slowly becoming scared
Where are you, you were just laughing until now
Why?
Has your voice left me?
You're far away now
Why?
Is it getting dim?
These scars are like shackles
"Why me? Why are you doing this to me Kurt?" Puck asked and he continued pressing his forehead to the door. The noises had stopped, he knew both of them were smiling, touching and kissing. No, that couldn't happen! "I feel like I'm being cursed..." He was sure that it was a curse. Other wise, why would his dreams be so real? Why would they become so intense, why would they make Puck's feelings grow even stronger? It wasn't fair. Not fair at all. He even tried to hate Kurt. He tried to hate him with an incredible strength but instead, he felt even harder for the soprano.
Curse me for letting go, curse me
Don't leave me and my shattered heart
Don't leave me alone, I'm screaming
Want you, wanting you like crazy
Your lips that left me shouldn't love
Don't love me, I threw you away
I only wanted to give you my my never-ending love
I had no idea that my overflowing love would strangle you
All those days I was torn up from my wounded heart
A love that lost it's way
I fill up with tears
Not being able to hold it anymore, Puck allowed his tears to fall down. Each tear was like a dagger in his heart. He didn't want to cry. Crying made him realize that all of those memories, all of those happy moments, all of those feelings Kurt had for him were pure imagination. Nothing else. And he didn't want to know. He didn't want to realize it.
He didn't want to know that all his memories were a complete fake. They made him happy. They made him so happy when he was sad. When when was needy, when he felt like he wasn't good for anyone. He knew that Kurt saying he was the best, the perfect man, the one he loved was all in his head. But it made him feel so happy. It made him feel so happy to think about those words. It felt so good when he started reading the stories on his notebook before he felt asleep.
But in reality, he knew he would never have Kurt. The soprano could be nice and would always give him the best smile he could, but deep down, he was the same old ice queen and he didn't cared about the jock. He never cared at all. He was just being polite, just being polite. All he cared about was Blaine.
"I love you." Puck whispered at the door and continued imagining how Kurt would answer him, how Kurt would smile and whisper the same words. Why was everything a dream? Why couldn't be real? Puck would give everything he had and more to make all of those stories reality. He just wanted Kurt. It was all he wanted. He didn't want to be perfect, he didn't even cared if he had to lose all he had. It wasn't much. But he was ready to give it all up so he could make the younger man happy and smiling.
Your side, your side that became cold now
Don't leave me and torn my heart
Don't become more distant
Although I'm holding your hand
remember, I will never forget you
Puck lost count of how many times he wrote his happy ending, how many times he started wishing his dreams would be just dreams and that he hadn't developed into such strong feelings. "I've to get out of here.." Puck whispered to himself and without even grabbing a shirt, he went running outside, not wanting to keep hearing all he was hearing.
He tried so hard to forget about Kurt but he couldn't. He didn't want to forget. He loved the soprano way too much to forget about him. He was so torn. What was he suppose to do? Ignore his feelings and act the same, like nothing happened? No, he couldn't do it. It was something he couldn't do at all. He was starting to think he was being obsessed with the idea of being with Kurt, of wishing the younger man would be with him. He was started to be afraid of himself.
I won't forget the pain of being left alone,
I can't forget the pain you gave me
Although you're the reason I became unhappy
The deep wound slowly burned and turned to ash
But forgetting would be less painful than losing
As I suffocate myself, I'm dying from the agony of goodbye
To that one moment,
Bring it back
Puck seat on a small step outside the house and looked to the sky. He was sure it was about to rain, but he didn't cared. What was rain compared to what he was feeling inside? If only rain could erase every single thing he would be beyond thankful, but what could he do? He was destined to suffer forever and he didn't want it at all. Slowly, Puck cleaned his tears and looked down to his hands, not knowing what he could do.
Should he go back inside? Should he just leave and call Finn in the morning, telling him he had to leave because of an emergency? "...For how long are you going to be here crying?" Puck looked up rather shocked and saw the last person he thought it would talk to him. "Mr. Hummel..." He saw Burt sit next to him and felt those judging eyes scanning him from head to toe. At first he didn't said a thing, but then he felt a hand on his shoulder, a hand that made him almost break down but he tried his best not to, at least not in front of Burt. Then what he heard something that he never thought he would hear in his life."I can help you..."