Disclaimed.
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"If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra." - Jesse Ventura
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Underwire for Men
Sakura was leaning with her back aganist the wall and her head tilted so that she could clearly hear what the three men in her kitchen were saying. Obviously, her assumptions were that they were all having a manly talk about her and how bitchy she was and she could just imagine, vividly, Kakashi jumping to sit his fat, ninja ass on her spotless counters, inquiring as to whether or not her 'time of the month' had arrived and if it had ever left at all. And then she could visualize Sai quoting some stupid self-help book aimed at the aid of socially inept losers and Sasuke would just sit there and wallow in his bottomless pit of menial and pointless angst. Sometimes she thought about shoving Naruto's yellow head up the Uchiha's ass just to see if he'd lighten up a bit.
Hm...maybe it was her time of the month...
Sakura looked towards the heavens, counting the days, and, deciding the math was not worth her time, she let it go. Why should she care anyway? In fact, knowing full well how uncomfortable her lady-problems made Sasuke, she had decided then and there to let it pass freely as she slept. Then, maybe Sasuke would learn who and what he was dealing with.
Yes. Hahaha. Sleep Sasuke and wake up to a bed filled with blood.
Of a sudden, she heard murmers coming from the downstairs area. Craning her neck further, her field-trained ears strained to hear clearly.
"--and so then I told the lady at the market that the beets I had bought from her were of my dissatisfaction, and I asked for a refund. And get this. No. Refund. My God, people these days. I can't get a good, quality beet anywhere! It's all crap for a shitload of money."
"I feel ya, Kakashi. You wouldn't believe the outrageous prices on simple iceburg lettuce. There's nothing more I want to do on a Saturday afternoon than to walk the streets of Konoha, munching on lettuce. I can barely afford it now. You think these inferior civilians would understand that ninjas do not get paid as heftily as they assume."
"Why do I associate with you guys?"
Sakura rolled her eyes. Was this really the jist of their conversation? Beets, lettuce, and Sasuke finally understanding that he sucks at choosing friends? Except for her, of course. She was an exception. He did good in choosing her as a girlfriend. Not only did she set him straight in ways that even she could not put into words, but he was also going on a domestic kind of downward spiral. Why, she remembered the first time she came over to his house using the set of keys he gave her, she had found him sleeping on the couch, a bowl of Ninja-O's on his lap, chimes to the left of him and bongos to the right, while a pornographic shinobi-produced film was rolling on mute.
Kakanarusai Productions Present: Three Kunoichi and a Cup
Needless to say, it was a useful source of blackmail. Really. Who knew Sasuke Uchiha was into chimes, bongos, and Ninja-O's? And this was at two in the afternoon, as well.
Pretty sad.
The voices downstairs carried upwards again, allowing the medic to listen in on their seemingly innocent conversation.
"So what's with all the papers and catalogs? And seriously. Didn't Zabuza die like, a long time ago? How in the hell did he open up a ring store?"
"Surely there are more than one Zabuzas."
"No...there's only one Zabuza in my book...my bingo book, that is. Hahah!"
"Lame."
"Better than whatever you can pull outta your ass, Uchiha. So, really, what is with all this crap on the floor?"
"Iunno. I assumed Sakura just wanted to feel domineering or something and so makes me pick up a ridiculous amount of mess?"
"But they're all open to ring sections, could it be that..."
Sakura's eyebrows perked up. Yes! Go Sai! She always knew him to be the smarter one!
"...she wants you to make more money so that she could obtain all the jewelry she so desires?"
"I'm sure the Uchiha estate has a hidden bank of shitloads of money. I'm telling you, Sasuke, just take out the 45th brick on the west wall and you'll find more cash than you use."
Sakura frantically grabbed a pen that she had habitually stuck in her hair. Forty-fifth brick on west wall: money!
There, now, money never hurt anybody, right? Though she rolled her eyes at Sai's misfire. She had lied. He wasn't the smarter one. All three, including Naruto who wasn't present, were of equal stupidity.
Seriously.
She turned around, finding that eavesdropping on a useless conversation would yield no results. As Sakura fell backwards on her bed, she eyed the phone, remembering her little pep-talk from Ino yesterday.
"Just do it for him, then. A man can't do everything, you know! He won't understand subtle hints, either. Be blunt about it!"
Blunt. She had to be blunt.
But how stupid would she look if she went up to him and asked him to get married? Or maybe she could demand...
Yeah, demanding seemed better fit.
This was stupid.
Sakura sighed again, cursing the heavans for making Sasuke so thick-headed. For making everyone around her so thick-headed, actually.
She got up and trudged back downstairs, glaring at the three boys who opted to stare as she made her entrance.
"What?" she snapped.
"Nothing, nothing," replied Kakashi.
"No...actually..." Sai trailed off, tapping his chin and surveying Sakura up and down. "You're boobs are quite voluptuous this morning."
She quirked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
Sai continued on without missnig a beat. "I mean, usually women hold their weight in their thighs, but I guess you're lucky enough that it goes up to your chest area...though I suppose you'll be suffering when you're older, with gravity and all..."
"Have you seen Tsunade?" piped in Kakashi. He didn't want to be left out now! Especially since the conversation was about boobs!
"She probably tapes them up or something. I doubt they can hold themselves up that efficiently without support. And God knows Konoha is lagging behind with the bra technology."
"I totally agree," nodded Kakashi. Sakura and Sasuke looked between the two Anbu-ers, their faces contorting into an expression of explicit disturbedness. Never in their life had they seen an intelligent conversation on breasts before. But then again, the two shinobi currently partaking in the discussion were fraught with well-hidden social and mental disorders. "Have you been to Suna lately? They have a store there that's centered on that kind of stuff. I mean, it's full of pretty kinky shit, but I hear the quality is outstanding. Though I can't figure out what 'underwire' is."
"I think, perhaps, it's wire that they put in the piece to keep the support?" suggested Sai.
They both widened their eyes, having thought the same thing at the same time. Stroking their invisible beards together, they nodded thoughtfully. "I wonder if it's possible for underwear to have underwire..." they both said simultaneously.
"Okay! Sorry if I interrupt this meaningful and thrilling conversation, but hello? Sai. Kakashi. Get out."
"But whhhyyyy!?" whined Sai. "The day was just getting good!"
"Sorry, but Sasuke and I are leaving and I don't want you two to stay in the house alone."
"We are?"
"Yes! We are. We need stuff and you're coming with. Lazy ass."
"Fine, fine. Let me change though." It was a wonder how submissive Sasuke had become since Sakura was introduced into his life with an intimate role. Before she became his girlfriend, he was able to say no to her about anything and everything, but now, it was as if his no button was turned off around her person. It was frustrating to say the least, but he couldn't fully say he regretted anything he did with her.
He came back downstairs, having only changed his pants, and put some shoes on, when Sakura grabbed his hand and glared at Kakashi and Sai. For what reason? They could not fathom. When had they ever done anything to Sakura that resulted in something bad...
...on purpose?
Never!
Exactly!
It was always an accident.
Which could be why she wanted Sasuke and herself away from the destructive twosome as long as she could. She heard that Naruto was going to be back soon, and she didn't want the terrible twosome to become the incredibly terrible threesome and ruin her genius plan of making Sasuke see and realize.
Back in the house, Kakashi and Sai peered out the window, watching the couple round the corner and disappear from sight. Sai turned to the elder who was actually quite young. "Follow them?"
"Oh yeah."
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Okay. Part two. This took a long time. I did one draft, decided it sucked, then did this one, left it, and then worked on it some more. And here it is. Chapter 2.
I hope you enjoy!
Adios!