T w o
His voice would flow; ring almost seamlessly as if each word was the most important part of his entire world. There was passion, consistency and truth in what he said. It didn't really matter that she couldn't understand; it was his voice, his sound and symmetry that soothed her.
Penny lay curled up on her side, pillow tucked gently beneath her as the darkness consumed her bedroom. Star Trek sheets covered the bed because hers weren't washed and she hadn't found the time to do so.
He was talking about Erwin Schrodinger, she remembered his cat but that wasn't in this speech.
She'd been crying for a while now and was in no hurry to stop. His face etched in her mind like a carving, so much fear, his fear broke her. The longer the days, the harder it became. She couldn't sleep without his lectures, the ear buds fit like a part of her each night and when they used to travel to conferences and such, she'd take them and simply say it was any random band he either didn't know, or didn't want to know.
It had been sixteen months since Sheldon was diagnosed with his brain tumor, he lived in denial for the first three, simply claiming that his mind was too far beyond cancer to let it actually win. Then the first seizure came and he cracked his head open on the kitchen counter and they spent the next three days in the hospital.
The whole thing was hard for Penny to comprehend at times, a life that was centered so much on something so sad. She'd put in a lot of effort to smile as much as she could, dream big and wish for beautiful things. Yet tonight was a repeat of so many nights over the last six years that she couldn't even picture a time where she wasn't across the hall from him.
She could count the number of people who truly understood Sheldon Cooper on one hand and it always made her smile to think that she was a part of that select company. It was his mother who first let her in on that philosophy, who told her that knowing him and who he was completely made her special.
His family had, over time, become her own. They spent Thanksgiving with them last year; Christmas was already planned for this one. The day her father told her to stop wasting her life with a lost cause was the day she decided to stop calling. It broke her heart to lose them, but the Coopers were enough to keep her feeling loved.
Through her time with him, Penny's deduction skills had developed immensely and tonight she was hoping they hadn't. The call from Chuck about the boys being at the Cheesecake Factory meant that there was something special that had brought them back.
For weeks Sheldon had been looking forward to this party at his work where'd he would have the chance to send off one of the few scientist with whom he actually respected for their work. He'd bought new clothes; made her buy new clothes…it was what made him smile these days.
Now though, knowing that the others would be there, knowing that Sheldon could hardly stand to say their names, she wasn't sure how to tell him that they would be there.
Hurting him was harder than hurting herself in some ways.
Suddenly, a new light fills her bedroom and it draws her shut eyes towards it and there he stand with a hand over his eyes. Smiling sweetly, Penny takes out one of the buds. "Sheldon?"
"Are you decent?"
Without thinking, she slides over to the opposite side of her bed, making a little space beside her though there is no conversation about. "Yes, sweetie, I already told you I don't sleep naked."
Sheldon removed the hand from his face and still spoke with a bit of conviction. "That doesn't explain the night I walked in here and you were without any cover at all."
A slight sigh escapes her lips. "It was really hot that night, I've explained this." There was no response from him, just simple silence as he stood in the doorway and wrapped his arms across himself. "Are you okay?"
"Sleep seems to be eluding me this evening."
Her smile faded and she thanked the lack of illumination painting her that he couldn't see. "I can sing soft kitty to you."
His head shook slightly. "I am not sick."
"Shel…"
Quickly, he stops her. "Not currently sick, I have suffered no nausea, loss of thought or any of the other inebriating symptoms that carry with my ailment. So your offer of soft kitty is not valid in this instance."
"Get in." She ordered softly and watched his expression alter with the confusion of her words. "I didn't stutter and I know you heard me. We both need sleep and you've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so get in."
There were so many different things he was looking to protest but they all fell away as she pulled the blankets down and patted the mattress beside her. Sheldon had spent such a large portion of his life alone, whether he was surrounded by people or not. Yet there was only one person he'd ever met that made him feel cared for like his mother could.
Only he didn't have these butterflies in his stomach around his mother. Though he hated that term as the idea that butterflies were swarming around in his stomach was insane as this was just some chemical reaction to her voice, smile and the feel of her skin against his that drew out his inability to think straight.
Shutting the light off in the hallway, he settled in beside her on the bed and his hand grazed across an exposed portion of her hip and he bit the hell out of his lower lip. A moment later she turned away from him and whispered. "Back to back, okay? You wake me up if you need anything."
Eventually they settled into a comfortable position on her small bed. His back and her own touching almost perfectly as the blankets rested over them with ease.
"Penny…" He called through the silence, cutting it gently like a blade through water.
"Hmm?" She managed, her eyes shut as she trailed a leg back to touch his, silently admitting that his presence was just as important to her as she was to him.
He hesitated for only a moment, and then sent out his request. "Sing soft kitty to me."
She laughed lightly. "I knew it."
Face to face with himself, Leonard adjusted the tie once more and hitched his breath for a moment to listen as Howard spoke to his wife about what achievement their son had accomplished today. Something about a big wheel and the simplicity of it all made him smile. It was strange to see Howard the family man, he was so far from that for so long but the role fit him well. He was dedicated to them and had all but set science on the back burner.
A feat that Leonard wondered sometimes if any of the rest of them could do. Tonight was the party, an event he wasn't sure he'd even be able to find time for. His new job was flushed with long hours and most of them were on airplanes traveling from school to school. There was a loneliness that came along with it and on most days he missed his old circle and the life he'd had here.
Yet, when he was explaining his theories to those students and watching them watch him with intent and interest; it was a strange sort of fame that was addicting. For so long he was considered second tier when it came to pure science behind Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sure he dated Penny for almost a year and was considered far and beyond a 'normal' nerd compared to Sheldon. Yet, there was a part of him that wanted the accolades, how had he worked any less hard then his neurotic ex-roommate.
Shaking his head swiftly, Leonard pushed all that away and tallied it off to no matter. Those two weren't in his life anymore. Who was he if he remained stuck in the past?
Just then, Howard stepped into the bathroom and glanced at himself in the mirror. "Tonight is gonna be good, I can feel it."
Leonard felt his hand almost reach to block the smell automatically. "You know, I thought since you traded vows you might lose the overwhelming smell of Old Spice."
"Leonard, this is where you lack in tactic. You see, Howard Wolowitz is off the market now, it's the forbidden fruit and I want everyone to see what they're missing out on."
Adjusting his glasses, Leonard quirked a brow. "You do realize this is a retirement party for an 86 year old professor, not a Victoria Secret Christmas party?"
Howard sent him a sideways glance. "There are lady scientists, I'm sure Leslie Winkle will be in attendance tonight and there are others."
"Does your wife know you're… marking your scent across Pasadena?"
Howard spat out a scoff. "Please, she's the one who told me to flaunt it."
Silence was Leonard's response, his mind allotting that there was in fact, someone for everyone.
A moment later, there was a knock on the hotel room door. "That's probably Raj." Leonard listened as the door opened and the sound of Raj claiming tonight to be the beginning of something spectacular. It was as if they were all forgetting that tonight was a shindig for a group of second base camping scientists.
As Leonard moved into the main part of the room, Raj and Howard were locked in a strange position of sniffing each other's necks that drew confusion and a slight sense of nostalgia.
"Oh that's nice…" Howard cooed, pulling back with a slow nod. "Calvin Klein?"
Raj smiled quickly. "You always did have a sixth sense for these things."
"That's actually just one of the five." Leonard added oddly from the side just as Howard moved in to get a better sniff. "Guys can we go…" Leonard asked, opening the door as they both looked to him. "This is getting…or…no, we're completely beyond the limit of disturbing and we have to go now or I'm leaving without you both."
It was something they'd both grown accustomed too, silence and the comfort that accompanied. Penny turned the wheel into the parking lot of the local grocery store and began leaning upward a bit in search of a decent parking spot. This was the only place in the city that reminded her of anything from Omaha. The only reason for that were the little trees planted in random patches of grass and rock in odd spots all around the parking lot.
Sheldon had pointed out one day that it was the equivalent of putting a beard on a baby, or something like that she couldn't remember but it was about showing one thing when you're clearly something else. Half the stuff that Sheldon would say was all about the interpretation and she'd become pretty good and figuring the majority of his rants out.
Today was different and the silence proved that. There were no speeches or rants, she could more than likely say anything right now and he wouldn't really be listening. She accepted it, respected it and knew that Sheldon was inside his own mind.
The doctor's appointment was nothing more than a checkup, a look as to how the treatment was working and if more chemo would be necessary. Of course, things were worse, of course he'd need more chemo which meant he'd be weak again, sick again and fall into that damn depression again.
If there was one thing about Sheldon that could be deemed as true, he did everything textbook. Even dealt with 'usual' side effects as if they were being read off by a doctor.
Penny hated chemotherapy and for so long knew nothing about cancer or any of this as it hadn't really been an issue with her immediate family growing up. An uncle had it once but not one she was ever close with. Her dad went to the funeral; she remembered that he didn't make them go.
Now though, after sixteen months of fighting, a short lived euphoria of remission then the onslaught of its return, Penny knew cancer as nothing more than the demon which haunted them both, more so then that, she knew cancer better than just about anything else.
She'd parked the car some time ago and had found herself gripping the steering wheel and lost in her own thought. There would most likely need to be a pillow back in the bathroom as when he was sick from the treatment it was always nicer for him to rest his knees on over the toilet.
His head would have to be shaved again; perhaps she could find him a cool hat, Batman, Spiderman… something.
She would have to find that smile again, the 'everything is going to be okay', 'you're the strongest person in the world', 'I wasn't crying before you saw me' smile that she forced for so long last year.
Suddenly sitting next to him was eating her alive and she needed to move, to distract herself. "You need anything in here?" She asked gently, keeping her gaze averted from him a bit as she opened her door.
Sheldon shook his head slowly, unresponsive through word and listened as her door opened and closed then turned to watch her half jog into the store.
Oranges, no…orange juice, no, it wasn't that either. Apple, he'd been asking for it last week and they were out, she could buy some and it would make him happy. It certainly wouldn't be 'forget about your tumor' happy, but maybe enough to crack a joke, or a rant if she bought the wrong kind.
Penny knew what kind of juice he liked, maybe if she just bought the wrong one he'd complain about it for a while; it would be nice to hear his voice today.
Never mind the fact she had yet to tell him about the party tonight, though after the events of today it seemed less and less likely that he would be all that up to going anyway.
The place was pretty packed for a Sunday afternoon and Penny had found herself hiding behind the fall of her bangs as she opened up freezer to grab a gallon of milk. Red basket hooked over her arm, she loaded it with only a few things. Essentials and one tiny…jug of vanilla vodka that she would slowly drink from for the next week or so.
She never drank when Sheldon was going through the rougher stages of chemo and made sure to stay sober through the week. But late at night, when he was asleep…she needed it and held no qualms about that.
Days weren't much longer than this one had proven to be. Especially considering how quickly yesterday seemed to pass. You see, yesterday was the day before Leonard left for his brand new job and today was that day. Of course, his flight was at eight in the morning, she drove him to the airport after a semi-heartfelt goodbye with Sheldon and then she proceeded to hug and cry him three times before he boarded.
The rest of her day was spent accepting the fact that the boy she'd grown so close to over the last four years was absent across the hall and she felt in her gut that she may never speak to him again. Throughout her life she had lost contact with a lot of people she once considered close friends. Even her family hardly called, she visited once the year before and realized how out of touch she was with all them, which only created distance and awkwardness between she and her family.
Now the only person with whom she was close was a man who she assumed wouldn't bat as much as an eye if she were to vanish by sunrise the following day.
Still, as she sat in her living room in the silence and glow of her television set, watching a rerun of an old Star Trek show almost through habit as none of her boys were here making her. She was just… lost in it at the moment, it reminded her of Leonard, hell it reminded her of Sheldon and that made her feel better.
Suddenly, there was a soft rapping at her door.
"Penny…"
Another.
"Penny…"
A third.
"Penny…"
The words drew a smile to her face as she turned down the TV. "Come in, Sheldon."
Slowly the door opened and he peered inside to see her sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand. She was dressed down in her pajamas and hair tied in two separate pigtails, meanwhile he was in a Joker T-shirt with a long sleeved white one underneath. In his right hand was a plate of something, held up by an oven mitt covered hand.
"Hello." He offered, unsure of how to reach the statement he came prepared with.
Soaking up the silence between them, Penny grinned sweetly. "Hi."
"I have ordered some fajitas from our usual Mexican restaurant, you remember, the one that Raj and Howard were so assertive in us eating and that played hell with my insides. Of course, now that they're gone it would be much simpler to just remove it from the schedule altogether, but that might be far too much work. However I made my order this evening and have since realized that I made a rather over encumbered amount that I can no doubt consume on my own and was hoping you might share in my endeavor."
Her brow quirked a bit, replaying the flood of words that had just come rushing at her, settling her glass down, she finally stood. "You want me to…have dinner with you?"
Sheldon then took his opportunity to send a sideways glance. "I do not remember saying anything about a joint meal; I was simply planning on leaving the plate behind, my company excluded."
"So you're like a fajita delivery boy?"
A sigh slipped through his pursed lips. "If you wish to break this moment down to its simplest terms… then yes." Even as he finished the sentence, Sheldon could sense something in her eyes that didn't settle well with him. An emptiness he'd never seen. Penny wasn't on the same level with him in many ways, and that statement could be played the other way as well, but she always outdid him and everyone he knew in life enriched expression and that was just… lost on her this evening. "Would you care for some?"
Penny hadn't eaten all day and that was no doubt why the wine was getting to her already, still, she had to know. "You don't want to eat with me?"
Words escaped him for the moment, or perhaps he was just struggling to find the right ones. "I-I… well I've left my plate across the hall."
"Sheldon, sweetie if you don't want to its okay, I am a big girl."
Grumbling under his breath, he opened the door of her apartment back up. "Let's do this in my apartment."
She laughed softly. "Sheldon…"
"Oh please, how can I not have dinner with you as you look at me with that protruded lip and eyebrows so despondent I feel like I've just isolated a puppy from its mother."
Again he passed her. "What?"
However, they were both already making their way across the hall. He offered a half glance back in her direction. "You looked sad."
"Oh."
Sheldon settled the plate for Penny down on the opposite side from him at the counter. He then moved to his own side and stayed standing while grabbing a pair of forks and offering her one. "You reek of liquor." He stated, dryly.
Her smile grew a bit. "I'm filled with liquor."
"Well at least you're honest about it. Seemed when I was growing up my father never drank more than three beers according to his own stories, yet we would always find far more cans then that in the dumpster. He would constantly blame the neighbor's children for stealing from him… yet the neighbors children were three and five at the time so I always wondered how they reached that refrigerator in the garage." He spoke with such a consistent tone that Penny couldn't tell when he was being serious… well, he was always serious but… she couldn't… tell. Her silence drew him irritated and finally he narrowed his eyes and spoke. "Sarcasm. Of course I deducted that he drank the beers himself." She chuckled off-handedly and stuck a yellow pepper into her mouth and cooed at how good it tasted. The boy was certainly capable of succeeding at anything he set his mind too.
However, as she at slowly she could sense Sheldon's eyes watching her, settling on her and almost… studying her. Certainly she'd had more than her fair share to drink this evening but if she didn't know any better, she'd say he was ogling her. "Sheldon…" She whispered, drawing his attention.
His eyes averted up to her own and he spoke slowly. "This character on your pajamas, this…kangaroo? Why is he wearing a shirt?"
Penny glanced down at her PJ's and noticed the cartoon spread across her chest and felt the reality of her world come back. "It's Rocko." Sheldon's silence and a soft shake of his head drew an exasperated sigh from the blonde across the counter. "It was a show that I loved growing up, Rocko's Modern Life…on Nickelodeon."
"At the appropriate age when most children found themselves enthralled with Nickelodeon, I was reading doctorate studied and mastering chemistry. I had very little time for trivial things such as mediocre cartoons."
Her eyes narrowed at him as she wet her lips a bit and retorted. "Well I didn't, and I loved Rocko." She turned to her meal for only a second before sending one more bit of frustration at him in a slightly playful manner. "And he's a wallaby…not a kangaroo."
"People say that I'm anal."
She swallowed a half-eaten piece of steak and gagged slightly before stirring up at him. "Did you just say the word: anal?"
His eyes rolled thickly. "Please remove your mind from the gutter and focus on your dinner."
Another silence fell between them as they ate together in a comfort that neither had found in quite some time until Penny found herself curious and, in a strange way, hopeful. "Sheldon?"
"Hmm?" His hum carried across the counter.
Neither of their eyes met as she asked. "Am I going to have to drive you to work on Monday?"
His response was quick, certain. "Most certainly."
Penny smiled lightly. "At least you're honest."
Penny found herself lost in the vegetable section of the grocery store when her mind shot back to the moment and she felt the weight of the basket hooked through her right arm. So many times when Sheldon's sickness was really bad she would lose herself in thought about this or that, usually him and sometimes her own baggage that had piled up over the years.
For now though, she needed to be back with him, close to him and the silence he would send her way. That didn't matter, she wanted him to know that she wasn't going anywhere, even if it seemed like he didn't care.
"Penny?" Oh no…her mind shut off completely as she couldn't help but turn to the sound of his voice.
He stood the same, short and dressed up a lot nicer then she could remember. A tie, button down shirt and his hair combed perfectly. One thing she always remembered about Leonard was the time he took making his hair look good. Which always made her laugh cause his idea of good didn't always match her own, but it seemed to work for him.
Still, there was no time for that, he was right in front of her with confusion and a sweet look of hope on his face and all she could think about was running to her car.
The silence couldn't last forever. "Leonard…" She whispered. Her voice weak and she cursed herself for that. "Wh—what're you doing here?"
"Me?" He asked. His smile was bright as he looked into her eyes. "What're you doing here? That… guy at the cheesecake factory told us you were on Broadway."
Penny sighed heavily; Chuck was officially off lie telling duty. "Did he? He's always… playing jokes on me, thought this one would be funny I guess."
His head shook and before she could process a second thought he was pulling her in for a hug. When their bodies touched he felt her tense and almost coil away but shook it off as surprise. "So you still live here then? In Pasadena?"
As they broke apart, she was hiding slightly behind the fall of her bangs and nodded with a shy smile. "Yeah… still." The last word hung a bit, as if her living here was a mark that she hadn't made any real progress with her life. That tone was the exact same reason he didn't ask about her still working at the Cheesecake Factory.
She could feel it, see it in his eyes and knew what he was waiting for. He wanted her to ask about him, to be curious and wonder. Maybe to long for him the way he did her to this day.
Penny knew all that, she could feel the want pouring off him, which is why she went the other way entirely. "I have a thing that I'm running late for but… it was great to see you."
Leonard's face fell noticeably. After five years this was it, this was all he meant to her? A slow nod was his response. "Oh…kay."
She'd hurt him and worse than that was she knew it. Yet, the only thing she could seem to process that Sheldon was waiting for her.
Sheldon needed her.
"Take care of yourself, Leonard." That was it, she rushed off with a hand over her mouth and in his wounded state he could have sworn she was laughing. It probably wasn't true but he wanted it to be so she could be the villain.
Because Leonard just couldn't understand what he'd done wrong.
She fought tears through the checkout line and when the guy bagging her things kept asking if she was okay. His eyes scanning her body the entire time as he ran a finger through the trail of his beard. She raced out the doors and didn't look back before moving to her safety net and the car he sat in.
Opening the door in a rush, she tossed the bag into the center console and threw her head back against the seat. Her eyes wet with unshed tears that she brushed off before turning to Sheldon with a watery smile. "Hey."
Sheldon sighed for a moment, glanced at her and then back to the bag. "Did you pick up my prescription?" He already knew the answer.
"Son of a bitch." She spat out, smacking her hands against the steering wheel and listening to herself chuckle sadly. "I forgot…I saw…"
Her words were stopped by his. "I know, they've parked their… Land Rover across the way over there behind that stock truck, I believe Raj and Howard are both sitting in the back." Penny watched him for a moment, tried to read his reaction and realized through the last five years that the two of them had been together that she still couldn't all the time. "I've come to the conclusion that they're here to celebrate Dr. Harrington's retirement…"
Reaching out, she touched his shoulder softly and squeezed. "We don't have to go, Sheldon. We could send a card or maybe go by his house on a different day. You could talk to him then."
"Penny, you and I have both purchased formal wear for this event; it would be silly to let that all go to waste."
Her mouth fell open as the words she had prepared lost matter and she found herself stuck in confusion. "But… I thought… you told me that seeing those guys was something you weren't interested in."
"It isn't, but I'm not going to let their presence ruin what is certain to be an eventful night out. One that you yourself have spoken of in high regard, stating that you haven't quote: 'put on dancing shoes in years'. Though I never have, nor do I still intend to dance."
A smile stretched across her face at the realization that he'd reached where she was when it came to their past. For so long, and even now Penny didn't know why Sheldon was so against bringing up Leonard and the others, things had happened between them that even she didn't know, but she never pried and though curiosity was eating her alive, she didn't plan too.
It was comforting to her to know that Sheldon saw it the same as she, them against the world… and whatever was thrown at them.
"Penny…" He called, drawing her eyes as they met warmly and she swore he was leaning in close to her. "You still haven't obtained my prescription."
She couldn't tell you the day, or give you any specifics, but at some point over the last five years, she fell in love with the crazy bastard.