The Other Shoe
-2-
"Don't worry guys," Lucas told TJ and Finn.
Both were worried about all the fighting their mom and dad had been doing and so they did what they did best: powwowed with their friends to try and figure it out.
"Whenever our dad comes back after being away from home for a long time, he and our mom fight all the time but then they stop, and things go back to normal. It'll be the same with your mom and dad too." Lucas continued, looking to his sister for support. "Right Katie?"
Katie shrugged. "Uh huh." she nodded her head rather unconvincingly.
"What?" TJ asked her nervously, he had heard his parents fight and he hated it. It worried him, what if they got divorced and they never got to see their dad again, and had to leave post and go back to Alabama and the way it had been before. He didn't want that, and he knew Finn didn't either. Things were so perfect now, they had a dad who loved them, and their mom was so happy--happier than he'd ever seen her.
"Well, it doesn't even matter, your parents'll be fine TJ."
"What are you talking about?" TJ asked her, after all, her parents had been married for almost forever, she would know all about it.
Katie was uncomfortable, "Let's just play…You guys want to play softball? We can practice for the game on Saturday." she suggested, hoping to change the subject.
"Katie." TJ was insistent, "C'mon, what are you talking about?"
"Sometimes they fight and don't make up. Like Elisabeth at school, her dad came back from the war and now she and her mom are moving to California." Katie threw it out there quick, it was like the quicker she said it, the quicker it could be done with and they could just pretend it was done with.
"Just like that?" TJ asked. He knew Elisabeth, she was on their softball team. "How can it just end like that?"
Katie shrugged, "It just does." she quickly smiled though, changing the subject. "Don't be silly though TJ, its not like it would happen to your mom and dad."
"Yeah," Lucas agreed with his sister. "Your mom and dad really like each other. They kiss all the time and stuff like that."
TJ just nodded his head, ignoring the look Finn was giving him. Not anymore. Lucas was right, they always used to be doing that lovey stuff, but not anymore. He and Finn heard them fighting last night, and the night before, and maybe it was like with Elisabeth.
They couldn't let it be though, he decided, they just couldn't.
--
Pamela handed Roxy the box of tissues she'd found in the bathroom.
"Roxy talk to me," She asked her friend. She saw Trevor rush out, and she wondered if the fighting was worse than her friend had let on. She figured it must be, Roxy was always so insistent on being independent and taking care of things herself. "What's going on? I saw Trevor hurrying out of here on our way in…is everything okay?"
"I don't know." She felt herself falling apart and just didn't know how to pull herself together. It didn't matter though, she was going to have to. No matter how much it hurt, she had to pull things together for TJ and Finn. "Pamela, this entire thing…its such a mess. A complete mess. I think I made a mistake with this, with all of it."
Pamela was confused, what was a mistake? …The fight maybe?
"Hey, we all fight. This is a stressful time, Roxy, but if anyone can get through some hard times its you and Trevor."
Roxy shook her head and leaned back, sinking into the couch, every word replaying in her mind. "I don't know. Maybe we can't…"
"Roxy, you're not really saying…you're not really thinking that this is it, do you?"
"I have never seen him that angry, Pamela. Ever. I mean, the both of us, we've said things…"
Pamela broke in. "So what? You think Chase and I haven't said some less than nice things over the course of our marriage? Marriage is hard Roxy, its messy, things get said you wish you didn't say, but you'll get past them. You apologize, and you remember why you got up there and said 'I do' and you move on."
"I told him I went to Roland." She explained, trying desperately to get a hold of herself. She had so much to do, she had a dinner to make, she needed to call the delivery guys and make sure everything was in order for the furniture moving at the bar next week…
Pamela nodded her head, she knew about that part.
"He didn't take to the idea of talking to a psychiatrist very well." She wasn't surprised, career guys looked at that as the end of their career. No one wanted to be slapped with a defect label.
"He was so mad, he was furious, really. He told me I could have ruined his career, that if Roland talked to Joan about everything…it could ruin his career."
Pamela nodded her head. "He's partly right. A diagnosis of PTSD could make moving up the ladder difficult. Look at Joan, it nearly ruined her Army career."
"I told him it was like I didn't know him anymore, I begged him to talk to Roland, try and sort things out…it was like he snapped. He was yelling, we both were, and he just admitted it."
"Admitted what?"
"He said maybe I was right, maybe we didn't know each other. That maybe it was all a big mistake." Roxy felt a chill run through her body as she remembered it all, remembered the look on his face; serious, the tone of his voice; angry. "Everything is falling apart so fast."
Pamela wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "It's going to turn out okay Roxy, in the end…it always does. You can't really think he means it. I've seen the way that Trevor looks at you, like the sun and the moon revolve around you."
"I don't think it was like that. It was so final…just the tone in his voice." like he wasn't in love anymore, Roxy added silently.
"We all have those moments Roxy. It's what marriage is about, you fight and you make up. It's just how it works."
Roxy sighed, throwing the tissues down on the table. "Maybe." She said, unable to convince even herself.When he walked out that door, she felt her heart break into a million pieces, and something about it told her, she'd lost him.
--
He came back, but they didn't talk. Almost a week passed with barely no talking. They lived in virtual silence, sometimes speaking through the boys, but it was avoidance of the worst sort. He wouldn't come to the bedroom, at least not when she home, Roxy knew that. She sometimes heard the murmur of the TV late into the night, and she wondered, how long could they go on like this?
If there was anyway to fix them, she would be there, but how could they ever fix it when they couldn't even look at each other anymore, never mind talk to one another.
Both of the boys could feel the tension. At night, they talked about it and TJ couldn't help but to be frustrated that Finn didn't get how important this was. How important it was that they fix their parents.
"Daddy's taking us to the park this weekend." Finn reminded his brother, as far as he could see…everything was fine. Although, he was confused…why didn't daddy and mommy talk as much as they used to?
TJ sighed, rolling over onto his pillow. He'd have to fix this on his own.
That night, he waited until he was sure his mom and Finn were both good and well asleep. He knew his dad would still be up, he was usually up reading, or watching TV until late, late at night.
When he was sure all was clear, he slipped out of his room, and walked quietly into the living room. All was as planned, his dad was watching the news, but heard him coming, and spotted him before TJ could say anything.
"Toby Jack, what are you doing up at this kind of hour?" Trevor asked, quickly changing the channel from the news to some infomercial for the miracle blender.
God, he loved those boys so much. He hoped they didn't realize how messed up everything had gotten, how terrible he'd been…but he knew, deep down, he knew they both did. It doesn't matter, the kids always hear it.
He had been in the system for too long to deny that. Kids always heard.
TJ shrugged, "Couldn't sleep. Can I watch TV with you?"
Trevor was about to take him back to his bedroom, it was so far past the time he should be up, but…
"Okay." Trevor smiled, and gestured to the couch. "But only for a little while. You know how mad your mom would be if she knew you were up so late?"
TJ shrugged.
Trevor flipped channels until he found one of those shows where people sent in the funny videos. The last thing he wanted was for TJ to be seeing the news, seeing everything that went on over there.
"What's going on?" Trevor asked him, once they were settled in. "Did you have a nightmare?"
TJ shook his head. "I just can't sleep."
Trevor sighed, "Me either."
"Is it because you and mom are angry at each other?" TJ asked.
Trevor was shocked for a moment. "I'm not angry with her, and I don't want you to think that for a minute. I love her very, very much." She means more to me than life itself. "And I love you and Finn, very, very, very much."
"If you aren't angry, why do you fight?"
"TJ…" Trevor sighed, he didn't know. Why did they fight? It was so stupid, and it was all his fault. They fought because he was scared, they fought because he didn't know what to do, they fought because fighting was easier than the truth. "Its complicated."
"Are you going to get a divorce?"
"No!" Trevor's reply was vehement. "I know things are confusing right now, but we love you and Finn. I love you, and your mom loves you. And I love your mom…but sometimes adults do stupid things and it takes us awhile to fix them."
"Just say sorry." TJ advised him, "Mom likes that."
"I know." Trevor sighed. He was so far behind sorry, he was so far behind sorry and flowers. He hurt her, he knew he had, and it killed him because he didn't mean it. He didn't mean a single word he'd said that night, but he didn't know how to fix it. All he knew was, he couldn't lose her, he couldn't lose the boys. But he didn't know how to deal with any of this.
"C'mon." He told TJ, switching off the TV. "Its time for you to go back to bed."
"Okay." TJ frowned, he hadn't fixed anything at all.
"I'll tuck you in," Trevor told him, "And in the morning, you and Finn and I have a date with a baseball and a bat."
TJ nodded his head. "Okay."
Maybe his mom would come, maybe after tonight everything would be better. Maybe Katie and Lucas were right, or maybe…not.