Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

I'm sooo excited for Christmas, seriously! So I had to upload this chapter even though I'm not so sure a lot of people are reading this…
Anyway, song My Only Wish (this Year) by Britney Spears

Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, I really appreciated them :-* To quote Friends "You guys make me fly!"

My Only Wish

Last night I took a walk in the snow
Couples holding hands, places to go
Seems like everyone but me is in love
Santa can you hear me

Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?
'Cause I heard that you're comin' to town
Santa can you hear me

"Derek…" She whispered, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, or probably more like a deer that that was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, he had to think to himself.

"I don't know why I'm here." He confessed softly, his voice hoarse. Derek really didn't know why he was here but he knew that it felt so good to see her again, like he someone had breathed life into him again.

"I didn't ask." Her expression had softened but there were tears welling up in her eyes already. It was Christmas and she felt so completely alone and now he was here?

"I know." All he could do was stare at her and hope that she wouldn't slam the door in his face even though he knew that he couldn't have blamed her for that.

"Would you like to come in?" Why had she just said that?! She didn't want him to come in! She had moved, no run, away from Seattle to get away from him, away from all the unhappiness that that godforsaken place had seemed to bring with it. But before she could change her mind he had already walked inside and their arms had brushed briefly. It had sent a jolt of electricity through her body and she blamed Christmas and the snow and the photo albums she had gone through the last few days. Who was she kidding? The last months had been spent sulking over the one person she loved most of all.

Derek looked around the house that didn't seem to have changed at all. The walls had a different color, the curtains had changed and the picture frames that had used to hold photos of the two of them had disappeared. But this still felt like home. Especially the big Christmas tree that she had still decorated with the ornaments he had gotten from his grandmother once upon a time.

xxx

"Derek, we have to get a tree soon." Addison approached her husband, who was sitting at his desk and typing at some article for some prestigious medical journal.

"Can't you just take Mark?" He replied without even looking up at her. She never seemed to understand that he sometimes just had to work and didn't have time for things like that; there were more important things to attend to.

"But I want to go with you." She whispered and saw his shoulders tense. Addison knew that he was annoyed by now and was glad that he hadn't looked up at her or else he would have seen the tears in her eyes. Derek had once been able to sense these things, to read her like she was an open book but not anymore.

xxx

"I'm sorry, Addie." Derek turned around to look at her and saw the confused look she was giving him. He had never sincerely apologized to her, had never taken any of the blame for their failed marriage. "For everything I did to you." He decided to clarify.

"Thank you." She really had no idea where to go from there but she was starting to get a little upset with him because she could already feel the thick walls she had put up to keep her heart from getting broken again, crumble more and more. Maybe Christmas was partially to blame, maybe even her loneliness but it most definitely was Derek! He was the reason she was lonely and sad, he was the reason that she had to take sleeping pills to even get a few hours of sleep every night. Hell, he was the reason her hair had turned grey and her wrinkles had gotten deeper. It was his entire fault, all of it. "Derek, what are you doing here?" Her voice had changed and he realized it and flinched at her tone. Derek couldn't blame her for being angry with him, for wanting to push him away.

"I miss you… I miss your excitement for Christmas, I miss how your eyes light up when the snow falls, I miss coming home to you… I know I gave all of that away," He said quickly when he sensed that she was about to say something not so pleasant. "And I'm not asking for anything, I just want Christmas like it was for just a bit." He saw the change in her eyes; she no longer looked angry but hurt and thoughtful. Addison was thinking about everything he had just told her, everything she had wanted to hear for so long, and everything she felt as well.

"You can't stay here, Derek." She had to be strong; she had to get him out of her house and out of her head once and for all.

"I'm not asking you to stay here, this is your house. I'm just asking you for a little time over the holidays." His voice was soft and gentle and made her want to jump into his arms and forget all the terrible things they had done to each other, but she couldn't. Too much had happened and she had finally been able to stop crying all the time. Christmas was different, she was allowed to cry and reminisce then.

"You want some hot chocolate?" She looked up at him again and couldn't help the tingle in her stomach because of the way he looked at her. It was the way he had used to look at her, full of love and adoration.

xxx

"Hello, beautiful." She smiled when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind as she stood at one of the big panorama windows at Mount Sinai Hospital and watched the snowflakes fall over her favorite city. Everything seemed to slow down a little when it was snowing, completely peaceful and enchanting.

"Hey." Addison turned her head to look at her husband. They had started their internship here together and now they were residents. "It's so beautiful out there." She whispered and returned her gaze to the snowflakes outside.

"Almost as beautiful as you." He placed a kiss on her cheek and pulled away a little to hand her a paper cup. "Figured you might like some hot chocolate."

"Mhh, I remember why I keep you around." She grinned and took the cup from him. "Juju, snow and you, what could be better?"

xxx

The memories of their happier times kept rushing back to her and tears welled up in her eyes when she stared into her cup and avoided his eyes completely. Why did she always have to think of the times when they were so unbelievably happy and why did it still hurt her so much?

"Are you alright?" Derek's voice rang through her musings and she looked up at him when his hand had covered hers ever so softly. His incredible, blue eyes. They had always seemed to deep, seemed to hold so much love for her and had always allowed her to read his thoughts. All Addison could do was nod her head, she couldn't deny how good it felt to have him with her and to have him this close. He was her Derek, the Derek she had always wished for on Christmas in the last, lonely years of their marriage. But then she remembered, he wasn't her Derek anymore. He was her ex-husband, the one who had caused her world to break down, the one who had left her repeatedly and the one who managed to get her hopes up again and again and then just abandon her again.

xxx

"Mrs. Shepherd?" Addison looked up at Paul, her favorite waiter at her favorite restaurant. He seemed so familiar because she spent more evenings with him than with her husband. "Someone from the hospital just called to let you know that your husband won't be able to make it tonight." His voice was soft and compassionate because he had seen the disappointment on her face many times before when he'd had to tell her that her husband was held up at the hospital once again.

"Thank you, Paul." Her voice was barely above a whisper when she managed to give the young waiter a slight smile. It was their anniversary and she had been writing it in all his calendars for months now so maybe he just wouldn't forget about her this time. But no such luck. Addison stood up, dressed in a dark blue dress that she had bought for tonight. If she had been less heartbroken she would have died of embarrassment at the pitiful looks the staff gave her. She didn't care, she couldn't. All she had ever really cared about was Derek and he wasn't there, just like he hadn't been there for the past year. He was everything to her. Her best friend, her family and it felt like her entire existence depended on Derek Shepherd, the same Derek Shepherd, who couldn't even find one minute to call her himself on their anniversary.

xxx

Addison pulled her hand back from him and got up from her chair. "Maybe you should leave." She whispered and avoided to look at him. If he would have protested now, or hugged her, or anything, she would have given in; she knew that and so did he. But Derek only nodded and made his way to the door. "I'm so sorry, Addie." He told her when he was standing in the doorframe and saw her nod in reply. Derek knew that she was crying and it broke his heart that he couldn't hug her and make all of her pain just go away. He couldn't because he was the cause of that pain.

"I just need time." Her voice sounded tired and worn out when she turned around slowly to look at him. Neither of them knew what she needed time for, if this meant that she was admitting that she missed him too. But Derek knew better than to take advantage of her fragile state and told her that he was sorry again and that he would call her some time before he made his way towards the door.

When he was out of the door she let the tears fall freely and wanted nothing more than for him to knock again and just wrap his arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be fine again.

"I miss him." Was all Savannah heard when she picked up the phone but she knew immediately who her best friend was referring to. She had known that this phone call would be inevitable when Nancy had told her that Derek and Meredith had split up over a year ago.

"Oh, Addie…" She whispered and felt her heart break for Addison. She knew that Addison would never stop loving Derek, that he would always be the one for her and maybe he even was the perfect match for her but that didn't change how much pain he had caused her.

"With everything that's happened, you'd think that I would have just closed the door and told him to go to hell but I just miss him… I miss us."

"Derek is here?" Savannah sat up and couldn't help but sigh. Maybe he had finally figured out that Addison still was the love of his life but why could he just not have forgotten about that in the first place?

"He said that he misses me and that he misses Christmas with me. He was sincere and he was just… Derek." She sighed. The tears had finally stopped about an hour ago and now she could at least try to think clearly but whenever she did memories of their time together kept rushing back to her.

Savannah honestly didn't know how to respond to that because she knew that Addison missed him too and that she had been missing him long before she had finally been able to admit it to herself. "What does he want?"

"Christmas." Was Addison's simple reply and she wasn't sure what exactly he had meant when he had told her that he just wanted Christmas like it was once upon a time.

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Did you like it? I promise it won't be that depressing all the time! But they really have to work on some things before the whole happily ever after and what's better for happily ever after than Christmas?
Or do you just want them to spend Christmas together and then go their separate ways?

REVIEWS ARE LOVE :-** 'Tis the season, after all ;)