The Loss – Part 2
John was in his office when the first report of the asteroid came through to Main Mission. His mind had been on Helena. She'd seemed a little distracted for the last few days and yesterday, she'd been too busy to join him for dinner. Ok, he got that their schedules sometimes meant they weren't always available for each other but then she'd told him not to come by later...because she needed to stay late in Medical. He'd tried to talk to her around midnight when he traced her back to her quarters but her commlock was not accepting calls.
Had he done something to upset her? He didn't think so. Maybe he was being too sensitive. He was behaving more like a school boy instead of a mature adult. They didn't have to spend every night together, did they? It was just that last night he'd missed her next to him in the dark. Missed waking up with her in his arms this morning!
They'd been forced to live with stress and fear pretty much every moment since the Moon had blasted out of Earth's orbit. Life on the moonbase was precarious and tenuous and he guessed that this fragility was the thing that accentuated emotions. His emotions anyway! Whatever the reason, he hadn't expected to, but could not deny the fact that, he'd completely fallen for her. Musing about maybe finding a reason to visit Medical and take her for lunch, his thoughts were dragged back to Alpha when Paul alerted him to the advancing object.
The next few days were crazy! They saw each other when their paths crossed but had no real time to spend with each other as first Balor was rescued, died, then came back to life again! The shock of Max Baxter's death and the Commander's attack left Alpha reeling and the command team struggling to find a way to have some sort of control over their unwanted visitor.
They'd managed a few minutes together late on the first day and he'd held her close. Praying inwardly that he'd be able to keep her safe...keep them all safe, he'd told her that he held himself responsible for the situation they were in. As commander he should have been more cautious...should somehow have been able to protect them from the alien's evil plan.
She seemed a little paler than usual and she had clung onto him not wanting to let him go. He'd sensed her fear and returned her embrace, kissing away a tear that glistened on her lash before moving to her lips and claiming them in a passionate and tender assault that left them both breathless and wanting so much more. Neither knew if they would have tomorrow and the sheer misery of their situation heightened their every emotion. He left her with a security detail guarding Medical and returned to Main Mission.
That was the last time he'd seen her. They'd had a brief conversation via comm link, after Balor had overpowered the guards and strode into Medical using his evil violence to kill one of her staff in a show of power meant to make Helena capitulate. Shocked and terrified for the safety of her staff and patients Helena had made contact with Main Mission...
Inwardly he was furious with himself. He'd thought that the guards would have been enough protection...to find that she'd been so close to danger was scary and although he was angry at the death of the medical orderly he couldn't help but be relieved that Helena hadn't been hurt.
They'd spoken on an open channel and he had been abrupt! There was no time for anything personal. They were Commander and CMO! HHe could read the anger and fear in her eye She calmly relayed what had happened, anger and frustration at her inability to protect her staff evident as she spoke but he could see distress in her eyes too. He ordered her to evacuate the medical unit and report to Main Mission immediately. He wanted her as safe as she could possibly be, until they found a way to overcome Balor!
He'd expected her to be in Main Mission when he got back, waiting for him, but he couldn't immediately see her, as Alphans crowded around to congratulate him. Disappointment clawed at him when he realised that she wasn't there, but he guessed that she'd been needed in Medical.
Here it was again...professional over private!
After initiating a series of protocol checks to make sure that the base was secure he moved to his office and tried her commlock. She wasn't answering. He opened a channel to Medical and Bob Mathias blinked up onto his screen.
'Put me through to Helena, Bob...she's not answering her comm...' He wanted to see her. She was probably busy and wouldn't have time to talk for long but he just wanted to see for himself she was safe.
Mathias was shaking his head, distracted as he gave orders that would get his unit back on its feet. 'Sorry Commander...Helena? She's not here! I thought she was still in Main Mission.'
'She hasn't been back to Medical?' John was confused. Where was she?
'No Commander. We spoke awhile ago. She told me to start moving patients back and I haven't heard from her since.'
As Bob's words were sinking in John was filled with awareness that something was wrong. It was so unlike Helena. He'd thought it strange that she wasn't around when he'd got back to Main Mission. He'd been expecting her there, demanding he report to medical for a complete check-up. Balor had given him quite a beating and although he knew he'd sustained no serious damage he would be in pain for a good few days to come.
'Ok Bob, get back to it!' He cut the link to medical and jabbed at a button on his desk, bringing Victor up on his screen.
Again, no luck! Victor said she'd been in Main Mission with him as Balor had been sucked out. He'd heard her giving orders to Mathias and assumed she'd returned to Medical.
'Kano...run a trace on Doctors Russell's commlock for me! ' John barked out the order, worry making him impatient.
'Yes sir...' Kano immediately began punching instructions into Computer. He ripped a small strip of paper from the wall unit and made his way up the steps to the Commanders office...
The trace had shown that she was in her quarters. John tried her commlock again but still he got no response. Nothing about this seemed right. It was so unlike Helena to just disappear, especially after the base had endured such chaos. It just didn't make sense!
Refusing to panic and not wanting to look too obvious he ran through some data with Paul and Kano and then, after studying some printouts for what he considered to be more than enough time, made an excuse about wanting to go check on base damage before striding purposefully from Main Mission.
He didn't fool anyone. Sandra had picked up on his worry and both Paul and Kano knew where he was heading. They exchanged knowing looks before getting back to work.
She didn't answer when he pressed the call button and once again he tried her commlock. No response.
Losing what little patience he had, he barked orders into his commlock, instructing Computer to override her door lock.
Lit only by starlight her quarters were dim. 'Helena...' he called her name quietly but there was no answer. Drawn to the light from the bathroom, he crossed toward the room and again called her name. Nothing but the muted sounds of Alpha and the hum of her computer console.
A prickle of apprehension made its way up his spine...and then fear clutched at him as he caught sight of her body on the floor surrounded by the dark red, crimson starkness of so much blood.
WHAT THE HELL!
Terror ripped into him! His hands were clumsy as he struggled to use his commlock, fumbled with the buttons, managed to call Bob! He couldn't stop the tremble in his legs, as he fell to the floor beside her or the fear knotting his stomach as he pushed back her silken hair and checked to see if she was breathing. Blood...her blood...sticky and congealed, clung to his uniform as he knelt close to her.
Relief, like a white hot explosion seared and splintered along his limbs sending white searing stabs of pain into his fingers as he gently placed his hand against her throat. There was a weak pulse...she was still alive...thank God...what the hell was happening...hurry Bob...hurry!
He wanted to pull her into his arms but he was aware enough to know he shouldn't move her... didn't want to hurt her...his mind was sluggish with fear and confusion. Why the hell was Bob taking so long?
He took her cold hand in his...knowing she was unconscious but wanting somehow to let her know he was there with her...please stay with me sweetheart...please don't...his mind baulked at finishing the thought...it was too terrible to contemplate...so much blood...BOB...WHERE ARE YOU?
'Commander, I need you to go get checked out...please.' Bob Mathias roused John Koenig from his thoughts.
'No...I want to...'
Before he could finish Bob cut him off. 'Commander...listen to me!' Mathias felt the whip of anger from his Commanders eyes flash over him but refused to back down. 'Sir, you're a mess! You need to get something for the pain and you need to go shower and change.'
John turned back to the pale figure lying so still on the bed.
'Sir...' Bob tried again. 'She's stable now...she's very weak but she is going to be ok. We've sedated her to allow her body to recover from the surgery. She won't be awake for a good while yet.'
Bob was well aware that his boss and the base commander were involved in a relationship and even if he hadn't been aware of it before today, there was no doubt in his mind now. They didn't broadcast it. He guessed they even thought they were being discreet, but he knew they'd been seeing each other and having witnessed how distraught the commander had been when Bob had arrived at Helena's quarters a few hours ago he realised that there were some very strong feeling involved.
To be fair...the sight that had met him when he'd gotten there with a medical team was pretty scary. She'd been deeply unconscious and had lost a huge amount of blood. Her pulse was weak her, breathing shallow. From the blood soaking her uniform pants Bob immediately diagnosed some sort of gynaecological trauma, suspecting miscarriage but choosing not to voice that diagnosis out loud.
Once she'd been transferred to Medical, Bob had shut down the unit to all but essential personnel, appreciating the delicate nature of the situation. Stripped and attached to monitors his diagnosis had been confirmed but he'd been cautious in what he'd told the commander. The man was obviously deeply worried about Dr Russell, but Bob really wanted a chance to talk things through with Helena first before involving the commander.
Had she known she was pregnant? He had to assume she had. How much did Koenig know about Helena's condition? Something told Bob that he had no idea.
He seemed dazed and was it any wonder? He was obviously on the edge of exhaustion. He'd probably had no real sleep since they'd encountered Balor. Then he's risked his life and been attacked whilst overpowering the alien. The shock of finding Helena must have been enough to drain any last reserves of strength he possessed.
Bob had tried to be deliberately vague as he explained the need for surgery. She was haemorrhaging; she'd lost a lot of blood and was getting weaker by the second. They had to stop the bleeding and they needed to act quickly! His hope that Koenig would be too worried to demand further explanation proved correct, and he'd been able to whisk his patient into surgery, buying himself some time.
The commander had been pacing the medical corridor, clearly worried sick, when Helena was wheeled back to her room at the far end of the Trauma Unit, away from prying eyes. He'd waited as she was hooked up to various monitors and the IV bag controlling her blood transfusion was adjusted. He'd had to look away for a moment when its bright red contents brought back a wave of fear, sending him back to her bathroom and an image he didn't want to remember.
He hadn't moved from her bedside since and she'd been back from surgery now for well over two hours. Bob knew that John didn't want to leave her side but it was also clear that he was in need of medical attention himself. Trying a different tact he continued.
'Please...think of me, Commander. Think how mad she'll be when she wakes up, if she thinks I wasn't able to get you to have your med exam...if she finds out I allowed you to hang around Medical making things look untidy... you know how fierce she can be sometimes!'
The man before him slumped slightly but the humour seemed to work. He gave Bob a wry smile. Pushing his chair wearily away from the bed, he rose and dropped a feather light kiss onto the palm of the hand he had been holding. Leaving a clear order that he be contacted immediately, if there was any change in her condition, John left to have his check-up and get some rest.
Familiar sounds flitted around the edge of her mind. Teasing her. Familiar sounds, but she didn't know where she was. She tried to open her eyes but the light hurt too much. Her mouth was dry...
She was in a bed...a hospital bed...that was it! She could hear hushed voices, soft footsteps. The hum and blip from machines and monitors. She was in the Medical Centre, but why? She tried to remember but it was too much effort and she drifted back to sleep. The next time she awoke she felt stronger. The dim light over her bed didn't hurt her eyes quite so much. She had more awareness. She moved her fingers and toes...everything seemed ok! Adjusting her position slightly she felt the padding between her legs...for a moment she was confused then everything came rushing back, overwhelming her and sending her monitor screaming out an alert!
Bob came in at a run, gently pushing her back down onto the bed and trying to calm her down. She turned her head away from him as he spoke to her.
Was she in pain? How was she feeling?
She couldn't answer. She was remembering the cold floor and the smell of her own blood. She was remembering the feeling of helplessness and loss...
He gave her some time. Then he spoke to her.
'Helena...you had a miscarriage.'
She barely moved her head in acknowledgement.
Did you know about the pregnancy?'
Again, a slight nod.
'The Commander found you...'
That got her attention. Her eyes swung to Bob's...'John. He knows?' Her voice was barely audible.
'No...not yet! It's ok...calm down. I wanted to talk to you about it first. I didn't know if...if it was...well...I didn't want to assume that...'
Helena could see he was embarrassed and helped him out.
'That it was John's baby...well it was and it wasn't...' her voice cracked wearily.
He waited for her to continue, not wanting to push her.
'I conceived it on Retha...' she turned away from his eyes...'when we weren't really ourselves...but it was his baby...'she took a deep breath to steady her voice. 'I guess my implant didn't work down there...or the mist had some sort of effect...or something...I didn't even remember what happened, not really...until...' the vivid memory of her time on Retha now clearly etched in her mind '...not until I was losing the baby...and then it all came back to me...but Sahn's report...well...it suggested...that we'd...been...intimate...' her voice caught on a sob and she swallowed hard, taking a moment to get herself together.
'Where is he?'
'He was here...'
'Is he ok? I didn't get to see him after Balor...'
'Hey...he's fine. Don't worry about him. Battered and bruised but nothing broken. He didn't want to leave but I insisted...'
'You did?'
'I did...and it wasn't pretty...' he gave her a smile. 'He was worried sick about you but I made him go get some rest. I'm supposed to let him know when you're back with us.'
'Bob...am I ok?'
He understood what she was asking and nodded. 'You are now. But it was touch and go for awhile. You haemorrhaged badly and lost a lot of blood. By the time the commander found you, you were barely with us...if he hadn't gone to look for you...well...' he stopped. She was staring into space. 'You should make a full recover...no permanent damage.' He waited, giving her time to absorb his words. He knew she would want to know everything but now was not the time.
'Helena. Why didn't you call for help?'
She didn't know how to answer him, what to say. The emotions she felt at the time had been so conflicting...helplessness...loss and relief! She bit her lip trying to find the explanation...'I knew it was a miscarriage...I'd been cramping for a few hours...' her voice was a whisper. 'But I thought I could...deal with it...thought that if no-one knew it would be over and I could...well I could forget about it...I didn't realise something was wrong until it was too late...tears clogged her throat and he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.
'Hey...get some rest, you're still very weak. I need to go update the commander. You can bet he'll be here straight away, the minute he knows you're awake...is that ok?'
She nodded giving him the faintest of smiles, then, she closed her eyes. He left her to rest, had a quick word with the nurse he'd posted outside Helena's room, then he went to place a comm call to the commander.
John had not been resting!
He'd accepted some medication to help ease the inflammation and some balm for the bruises that Balor had inflicted but he's flatly refused a drug to help him sleep. He'd taken Bob's advice and had a shower and changed into a fresh uniform and to his credit he did lay down on the couch in his quarters and try to rest but the walls seemed to close in around him and he couldn't stand the feeling of claustrophobia!
He strode through the corridors and headed toward Main Mission, his brooding energy warning anyone who'd considered approaching him to think again!
He sliced the doors to his office closed without a word, a clear sign that he didn't want to be disturbed, leaving those on duty to speculate. That Dr Russell was ill was not a secret. The alert had been relayed through Main Mission. But as yet, no-one knew any details, other than she'd needed surgery and was now stable.
Bob's call interrupted John's pacing...he flung himself across the room and stabbed at the button that would give him a connection through to Medical. The face of the smiling physician appeared on his monitor.
'She's awake, Commander...' He didn't get any further, the screen went blank!
Bob was waiting for him when he arrived in medical.
Helena was sleeping. The blinds at her window had been opened slightly to allow her nurse to watch her and he caught sight of her immediately. She looked so pale against the blue of her hospital bed but the IV had been disconnected and she was no longer attached to the monitors. She didn't look like she was ill, she just looked like she was sleeping. It was a huge relief and even though he didn't realise he'd been holding his breath, he let out a ragged sigh!
'I'm afraid she's drifted back off Commander.' Bob stepped up behind him and explained rather needlessly.
'What happened Bob?' The question hung in the air between the two men. John pulled his eyes away from Helena and directed his gaze at the doctor next to him. 'Tell me!' It was an order!
'Ok...' Bob had been expecting as much. Knowing that the baby had been John's, he could see no reason not to explain things to this man who so clearly needed answers. 'Let's go to Helena's office.'
For a moment the Commander looked like he might argue and then turned and headed down the corridor.
Bob perched himself on the edge of Helena's desk whilst the commander moved to a viewport, refusing to take a seat.
Bob cleared his throat anticipating a difficult conversation. He took a moment and began.
'Commander... Dr Russell...she...that is Helena, she...she suffered a miscarriage.'
Koenig turned in disbelief. 'She...what!' He looked stunned. Of all the terrors that had been chasing through his mind...this had never been one of them!
'Maybe you should take a seat Commander.' Bob suggested. He could tell from John's reaction that he was shocked by the news.
'She was a little over six weeks pregnant.' He let that fact hang in the air before continuing. 'The miscarriage was probably brought on by high levels of stress...it caused severe blood loss, by the time she realised that something was really wrong she was probably too weak to call for help.'
'She knew...?'
'Yes...she knew...we talked about it when...'
John cut him dead.
He stormed out of the room and along the corridor to where she lay sleeping but he couldn't make himself enter. He stopped, watching her through the window and trying to absorb the news he'd just received. Helena had been pregnant!
Had she known?
Bob had said she'd known...but, if she'd known why hadn't she told him? Pregnant, with his child! But how? She had an implant. He remembered their first night together a few days after they'd got back from Retha. Things had started in her office earlier in the day but he managed to keep control. They were both on duty and he wanted it to be better than a rushed quickie, with them both worried about being disturbed. He'd been uncomfortable for the rest of the day...his body not taking kindly to being denied that which it craved! Later alone together, he'd been kissing his way across her body...linking up her fading bruises with his tongue and lips and making her giggle, when he'd thought about protection! CRASS ERROR JOHN!
For a minute she had played dumb and told him that he'd have to go and ask Dr Vincent for a supply of condoms...before...putting him out of his misery by smiling serenely at him and telling him that she'd already taken care of things. He'd called her a shameless hussy and she'd responded by showing him just how shameless she could be!
But it hadn't always been so easy between them. She'd been a challenge from the first time they'd met.
She was a strong woman, highly regarded by those who worked closely with her and she exuded a confidence that was inspiring. Confident in her professional life, in private she was different. She was reserved and hard to get to know, but he'd found himself attracted to her physically and that had been a shock. He had no wish to get involved with a close colleague...that just wasn't appropriate given his position, so he'd tried to ignore the effect she had on him which was pretty easy because she didn't appear to like him very much at the beginning!
Breakaway changed everything...
The closer they grew the more she intrigued him. Cool and aloof on the outside, she appeared distant and unapproachable if you didn't know her. But when she let you in...well...it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud...and he'd never experience anything like it before. Some force had brought them together in the most bizarre of circumstance and he was so grateful. She made his life on Alpha bearable...
They'd taken things slowly, cautious about becoming lovers, but from that night five weeks ago, he'd wondered why they'd waited so long...it felt so right.
Five weeks...what was he missing...five weeks! Bob had said she was over six weeks pregnant! No! That couldn't be right! Blind anger tore through him. It wasn't his child...how could it be his child!
He jerked away from the window, rigid with a fury so overwhelming he was frightened he'd be split apart with its force. A swirling red mist threatened to push him into a place he was terrified to go to...some instinct deep within him screamed out a warning...crying out to be listened to...but still he hurtled towards the void. No! He had to keep control! What was he missing...think dammit...for the love of God John, THINK!
Swirling red mist filled his head...and then he was back on Retha.
The cave was dark after the bright sunlight.
Smoke from the fire stung his eyes as they adjusted to the gloom.
Familiar smells reached his nostrils...blood and sweat, stale straw and dank fur. Musty pockets of air where the warmth of the fire did not reach.
Dark formless shapes shuffled around in the shadows. Soft grunts and occasional yelps could be heard.
He caught her smell as he moved deeper into the cave. She was waiting for him.
He felt his body respond to the smell of her arousal, the musky, ripeness of her body calling out to him.
He hardened in anticipation...
Then a distraction... a strange female...
He was the leader...
He was the dominant one!
She should be his...a fight...snarling followed by yelps of fear.
The strange female was his prize...he was the leader...she was his now...
...but then a new threat...enraged by the strange female's presence she came at him viciously from the shadows...snarling with fury...
He lashed out protecting his prize...he was the leader...
...and yet her jealousy roused him...he felt his need grow!
He threw his prize towards the back of the cave...away into the shadows...then he turned back to his mate...
...she was howling with anger...
He approached her warily as she cowered in the corner and cautiously extended his large hand towards her. He glared at her...irritated by her defiance. She whimpered softly, backing away from him. The howling stopped. When she made no move to resist he grabbed at her hair, pulling on it hard to drag her closer to him.
Their eyes locked...startling blue and deepest green...and there was recognition.
He held her before him...she was a fine mate...sleek and firm...spirited...she was his...and she needed to be punished... holding her in place by her hair he bit into the fleshy part of her breast. She danced in pain...spitting and snarling...but her jerky movements and squeals only served to enhance his arousal.
His prize was forgotten...
Twisting at her hair he pushed her roughly to the ground.
Bending her forward until she was before him on all fours, his hand left her hair and fumbled clumsily at her rear... pushing apart her covering...all that stood in his way.
Her scent enveloped his senses...the sight of her wetness drove him wild. His engorged shaft twitched eagerly...moving into place he thrust into her hard...her initial scream giving way to gentle mewing sounds as he used her body to ease his instinctive need.
She bucked beneath him...fighting his possession and further inciting his passion...
She was a handful...
The harsh slap of their bodies intensified. His grunts joined her cries and the sound echoed off the walls of the cave as the tempo increased.
He grabbed her hair again, yanking her head back...making her snarl as he arched her body to increase his pleasure. Her breasts pushed out before her allowing him to view the way they bounced up and down with each movement he made. His other hand bite into the flesh of her hip, holding her in place as he rode her to his fulfilment!
On and on and on...he pounded towards his climax...his final thrusts making her cry out, as his white hot seed exploded deep within her.
He held her in position for a while longer enjoying the tight heat she provided...then he pulled out of her and pushed her aside.
She had done her job!
She was his to use as he wished...
She was his mate...
She was his woman...
The memory had blazed back into his consciousness so suddenly, and it was so overwhelming, that he'd forgotten where he was. Suddenly he became aware of her eyes on him. She was awake and watching him through the glass. Their eyes locked for the longest moment...shadowed green and clouded blue...
But he couldn't go to her.
He was still too raw...
He turned and walked away!
Bob watched as the commander left Medical.
The Loss – Part 2