A/N: Thank you guys for checking out this story! Not much to say about life since last post. Except that I discovered today that it doesn't take long to fill up a terabyte of data with videos. I've ordered an external hard drive, but I dunno if it will solve my dillema with wanting to build a backlog of videos so that I have stuff to release on my Youtube while I'm at college. Might not work out the way I want it to. Worse case scenario, I make more vlogs and challenge videos to get me through the school year. I want to do those things anyways, so it's an option. :)
So, anyways, on this scene. It takes places well after the last one, in fact, it takes place after the entire Companion Questline. After being made Harbinger and curing Vilkas and Farkas of their Lycanthropy my Dovahkin starts feeling the pressures of being Harbinger and of making Skyrim her home and loving the people around her. So she fled to Windhelm for a while, to get some time away to try to sort out her emotions and come to terms with her situation. The following scene takes place a month after she left Whiterun, which was longer than she had intended to be away, but her fears kept her away. So far, in chronological order, but there will be some back-stepping in future topics.
Disclaimer: I do not own Skyrim or the characters from it, only my Dovahkin and her story.
# 002 - Love
I hammered some nails into the board that would help hold the roof up while we were the process of repairing it. More accurately would be to say while I was in the process of this. The Dark Elves I was doing this for didn't seem inclined to help at all. I was really beginning to wonder why they even settled in Windhelm to begin with if they didn't want to contribute to a Nord society or help fix their neighborhood, even though it would improve their living conditions. Why I even bothered was beyond me, but I couldn't turn a blind eye to a kid complaining about being rained on in the middle of the night because melting snow was dripping from his ceiling. Besides, not all the Dunmer were like this couple were.
"Why are you hanging upside down like that?" the aforementioned kid asked.
"Mhmnerfnin," I mumbled through the nails I held in my teeth. I spat them into my hand and looked down at the Dunmer kid. "Because your parents won't let me use the ladder."
"Why not?" the kid asked.
"Heck if I know," I replied. I shrugged and then panicked somewhat as I dropped the nails. I flailed with my free hand to grab them out of the air, but I missed and they scattered on the kid's floor.
The kid scrambled to pick them up and then he held them for me until I needed them. Once I got the beam locked in place, I looked around to see if I need to put anymore beams up, even if temporarily, in order for the roof not to cave in on me while I was atop it for repairs. I didn't need anymore in this room, or I didn't think I did anyways, and I had already put up temporary beams around the rest of the house.
I dropped the hammer onto the kid's bed and then reached up to grab the beam I was hanging from. I flipped myself over and then dropped to the floor. I waited a moment until I was sure I didn't break either the floor or myself before standing up straight.
"Alright, kid, how about a break before we get to the roofing?" I asked, ruffling the kid's hair.
"Sure! We should go for some food at Candlehearth!" the kid said.
"Are you sure you want to go there, kid? Not many Dunmer go to that part of town," I inquired, just to be sure.
"The adults are idiots," the kid crossed his arms and made a pouting face. "If they want the Nords to help us, they should stop isolating themselves and contribute."
"Heh, smart kid," I ruffled his hair again as I moved past him toward the door. "Alright then, come on."
The trip to the Hall was a silent and quick one. Once you knew your way around the city, it didn't take long to get anywhere. The kid, Sortul, was animated the whole way, talking about how when he grew up he wanted to join the Stormcloaks to fight back against the Empire and the Thalmor. I had to remind him that the war might be over by then, but he was insistent that he would make himself useful to society either way. We got varying looks from people we passed by. Dunmer scowled at me, complaining that I was poisoning their youngs' minds. Nords smiled at his enthusiasm and I even heard a few whispering about my 'good deeds' I had been doing around the city. One scowled at the fact a Dunmer kid was running freely through the city with what he presumed was a Breton, but I just stuck my tongue out at him when he grumbled at me and moved on.
"Oh, would you look who it is!" Susanna said as we entered. "Doing your good deed of the day, Crystal?"
"Eh, I'm just helping out a kid in trouble," I said, watching as Sortul ran off to greet some of the Nords he was familiar with in the back. "You should see this kid's home. He gets wet everytime he goes to sleep and his parents don't even care. Good way to get sick, that. I managed to convince them to let me fix their roof, but they aren't making it easy."
"Well, it's good of you to do this anyways," Susanna said, wiping down the bar as I sat down and waved for the kid to come back so we could order our food. "We need more people like you. Willing to help out the people who need it and look out for the little ones, regardless of their race."
"We're all living here, why not help each other out?" I said as Sortul climbed onto the stool next to me. I ruffled the kid's hair again. "Besides, I can't stand by and let a kid get sick, can I?"
"Hey! Cut it out! We're in public!" Sortul complained, pushing my hand away.
I held my hands up in mock surrender. "Ok, ok," I chuckled.
"So, this might sound like a strange question," Susanna said after we ordered our food and she was placing waters in front of us. She knew very well that I didn't drink, and that if I ever ordered something alcoholic that something was terribly wrong. "But I've noticed you don't really associate with anyone in particular…"
"What'd you mean?" I asked, taking a sip of my water. "I'm part of the Companions, I interact with all kinds of people everyday….I associate with a lot of people." Of course, I was here hiding from the companions, but she didn't need to know that.
"That's not what I mean," Susanna said. "Don't you have anyone you love?"
I paused for a moment and looked into my glass of water, expression falling. "No," I answered sadly. "Not anymore." And just like that, my appetite was gone.
"But you did," Susanna surmised.
I didn't reply, just bit my lip as I stared forlornly into my cup of water.
"What happened to them?" Sortul asked curiously.
"It's complicated," I said. Then I stood. "You know what, I'm not actually hungry. Here's the money for what we ordered. Can you do me a favor and make sure Sortul here gets home safely? I need to go."
"I'll just go with you," Sortul said, getting ready to get up.
"No, kid, I need to be alone for a bit," I said and ruffled his hair again.
"I will make sure he gets there safely," Susanna reassured me.
"Thank you," I gave her a grateful smile. "Sortul, make sure you are careful and if anyone gives you any trouble, just find Susanna, me, Brunwulf over there or a guard, ok?"
"Ok, Crystal," he said, giving me a worried look.
"I'll be ok, kid," I said.
I left the kid in the capable hands of Susanna and the watchful gaze of those in the Hall I knew would watch after him. A month in Windhelm had me learning about all of its denizens as I helped them out. Of course, it meant a month away from Jorrvaskr, which was kinda the point. Ever since Kodlak died and he named me the new Harbinger, it was getting harder and harder to keep the people in the Companions, and even the people of Skyrim in general, at arm's length. Yet, I was still too afraid to let them get any closer.
Why couldn't I just stop being afraid? Why couldn't I just take the chance and let people in again? Be vulnerable again? Love again? I was called to it, so why did I fight it so much? I wanted so badly to let go of my fear that my history would repeat itself the moment I started letting myself truly care. I hated being afraid. I hated feeling alone even though if I just let myself be open to companionship I wouldn't be. I hated being alone, yet I kept myself so. I hated myself for it too.
These thoughts went through my head as I walked through the streets of Windhelm. Distantly I heard a familiar voice and looked up to see Ralof in the distance, cheering with some of his fellow Stormcloaks. It looked like they were just returning from a mission, one that must've gone well for them for them to look so happy. As I watched them revel while on their way to the Palace of the Kings, where they would likely be reporting to their superiors—whether it'd be Ulfric himself or one of his council, I didn't know—I noted how they interacted. It was like watching a family walk through the streets, or a group of really close friends. It made my heart ache, remembering such times I had with my own family and friends. Made me wish I could have that again.
I sighed as I continued on my way. I could, if I just let myself feel again…
My wandering brought me just outside the city gates, to the bridge between the city and the road. A few guards were patrolling and a group of Stormcloaks was meandering on one side, chatting amiably amongst themselves, that I noticed Galmar—Ulfric's second-in-command—among. I paid the two groups no mind as I moved to the side of the bridge and looked out over the snowy landscape.
The landscape of Skyrim really was beautiful, even here in the harshest of her climates. I could get used to it easily. I could even consider it home easily if I let myself. I knew that if my friends and family could tell me anything right now it would be to let myself be happy again. To give it all to God and to trust Him. To push on in faith that someday everything would still be worth it in the end.
"Ah, there you are," a familiar voice made me jump a little.
I turned to see Vilkas walking up alongside me. "Geez, Vilkas," I said, pushing my hair out of my face. "Don't sneak up on me like that."
"I apologize, Harbinger," Vilkas said. "You are not usually so easy to scare."
"Yeah, well, I was lost in my thoughts," I told him. "And don't call me that."
"But you are the Harbinger," Vilkas said, looking at me.
"Yeah, well, I didn't ask to be," I said, a little bitterly.
"Is that why you've avoided us for a month? Are you hiding from your responsibilities?" Vilkas asked.
"I…" I started, but then stopped and looked away. "So what if I am? I shouldn't have this, Vilkas. I don't deserve it."
"Kodlak believed you do," Vilkas pointed out.
"I don't…" I snapped a little and then looked down "...not when I'm so afraid that all I can do is go through the motions and keep everyone and everything at arm's length."
"Afraid of what?" Vilkas asked.
I looked up at him, eyes full of emotions I had been hiding up until then. "You know how you felt when Kodlak died, Vilkas?"
"I do," Vilkas said, looking at me with a look a mixture of confusion, curiosity and understanding. How he managed to convey so much in a look I would never understand. Maybe he didn't even realize he did it.
"Take that feeling of loss and multiply it by a billion," I said. "You still won't get close to the feeling I have felt for the last several months I have been in Skyrim. I lost everything, Vilkas. Not once. Not twice. Three times, I lost everything. I lost them when I was forcibly taken from my homeworld. I lost them when I departed the second world. I lost them again when I thought I found a way back only to land myself here with no possible way of returning home. And then, just when I thought I might be able to let myself open up, just when I thought I was making a home with the Companions….boom Kodlak dies and suddenly I'm Harbinger." I spread my hands out to emphasize the word 'boom' and then shifted on my feet as I dropped my hands.
"And suddenly everything is much more real again," I continued. "And I'm forced to face the fact that I either have to consider this home now, let myself love the people here...or leave. And I'm so afraid that either decision is just going to end in me losing everything again." I was vaguely aware of a sense that someone else was listening, but I didn't care at the moment. I had to get this off my chest if I was going to deal with it.
"And that fear paralyzes me Vilkas. Because some idiot reality jumper decided he was going to screw with my life, I'm too afraid to even just be me and let myself do things that I know are right. How can I be the Harbinger when I'm weighed down by these fears? How can I call myself a warrior? A fighter? How could I expect to ever find love and have a family someday if I can't even let this fear go? If I can't be sure that the moment I do that I won't just be taken away again? I'm not as strong as people think I am, Vilkas. On the outside, maybe….but inside? Inside I'm falling apart. I don't deserve to be Harbinger. I don't deserve this life. I should be doing more, but I'm not. War is waging, people are dying, I'm supposed to be Harbinger and all I can do is run from the responsibilities I have and be indecisive about things I should know perfectly well what to do about. I really just….don't deserve the breath I breathe."
"You do deserve it, Crystal," Vilkas said, putting a hand on my shoulder. He reached his other hand up and grabbed my chin, making me look at him. "And if this reality jumper, or anyone else, tries to take you away from this life, he will have one hell of a fight on his hands. We won't let you be taken away. So, please, stop running. The Companions need you….I need you."
"You need me?" I asked, giving him a look. "What'd you mean?"
Vilkas sighed, letting go of my chin, though his hand on my shoulder tightened. "Just what I said," he said and I swore his cheeks grew a little red. He glanced at me and then seemed to look at my neckline for a moment before turning away. "Forgive me, I shouldn't have said that." He dropped his hand and crossed his arms, staring out at the scenery I had been staring at before his arrival.
"Vilkas," I said, more firmly than I intended.
He inclined his head to show he was listening, but didn't look at me.
"Vilkas, I…" I hesitated and then sighed. "Look man, I know feelings are hard. I mean look at the dump of feelings I just unloaded on you." I chuckled nervously a little. "But, you know, I need you too." His head turned toward me so fast I thought his neck might snap. I shifted and leaned against the side of the bridge, letting an armored hand rest on the wall as I gazed out at the snow. "All this time, I've been running from my emotions, running from what I knew I should've been doing all along, running from making this my home….and here you are, telling me things that make all those fears that had me doing that seem so much smaller." I paused a moment, biting my lip. "Not many people can say they can calm my emotions like that, Vilkas. It takes someone special to do so. So if I'm going to be Harbinger….I can't do it without you."
I startled a little when I felt an armored hand on my cheek. I turned to look at Vilkas in surprise only to see the softest expression I had ever seen on the Nord's face. Immediately I blushed as he started gently stroking my cheek with his thumb.
"I will stand by your side through it all, Crystal," he said with such sincerity that would have one believe that nothing could ever possibly stop it from being true.
I stared at him, even as I absently pressed my cheek further into his hand, rather enjoying his touch. I sighed in content, closing my eyes, missing the way his eyes softened even further. Before I realized what was happening, I felt lips on my forehead and my eyes shot open as he pulled away. I blinked at him in surprise.
"I am with you, always," he said.
I just continued to blink at him for a moment, face red. "U-um," I said. I coughed a little, trying to regain my bearings. "Um, ok. So, um."
Vilkas chuckled. "Flustered, my Harbinger?"
"Hush," I complained, though I smiled a little through my blush as I lightly shoved him. "Now, is there anything else? Or was this just a trip to talk sense into me?"
"Well, actually, Jarl Balgruuf wanted you to return to Whiterun as well," Vilkas said, moving on. "He said he has a job that he only trusts you with."
I sighed heavily. "Alright," I said. "But I need to finish a roof first." I pointed back toward the city. "I don't think Sortul's parents would be very happy if I left it half-finished."
"Perhaps I can help with that," Vilkas said, grinning. He headed for the city before I even responded. "Come on, then."
I watched him go, pacing a hand over the spot he had kissed on my forehead. As I watched him, I realized something that I had been missing for months now. I was...attracted to him. His personality, his strength, the safety he represented, the reassurance he gave, his intelligence, his...butt. I had to laugh at myself as I realized that last one. That was definitely something where my sister had rubbed off on me. The fact I even noticed had me in jumbles.
So while, no, I didn't have anyone that I loved, the potential was there. Potential for home, family, friends and maybe even marriage. And with this revelation came a warm feeling that bubbled up inside of me, along with an intense desire to make sure the people of Skyrim were free and safe. I had to do something about the state of things in my new home if I wanted to earn the right to call it that.
"Perhaps...Skyrim can be my home after all…" I muttered to myself.
"Are you coming?!" Vilkas called.
"Oh! Yeah!" I said, grinning as I darted to follow after him.
He ruffled my hair as I joined him and I shot him a mock glare that had him chuckling. We didn't get too far before he was shoving an axe into my hands. A very familiar axe.
"You forgot this, Harbinger," he smirked as I fumbled with it for a moment.
"Always so sure of yourself," I quipped, smirking back at him as I placed Wuuthrad onto my back.