Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take into their own hands and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU
Hermione sprang up from her seat and pulled four rolls of parchment from the other end of the table. She swiped a mixture of quills and pens from the mess of supplies, which had all been pushed aside by Ginny earlier to make room for the laptop. She handed parchment and a writing utensil to Harry, Ron, and Ginny, and then sat down before acknowledging the boys' puzzled looks.
"Ok, write your own version of the story!" she said gleefully. Ginny immediately began scribbling down ideas.
"What, just copy their story? I'm pretty sure that's not allowed." Harry said. Ron nodded in agreement as Hermione moved the laptop into the middle of the table, giving everyone room to write.
"Well, we won't post our versions without asking the author first," Hermione replied. "and I thought it might be interesting if we combined all our stories into one collaboration." She looked at Harry and Ron hopefully. "It'll be fun!"
"Wait, you mean we can write it our own way – anything?" Ron said beseechingly. Hermione nodded. Ron smiled and laughed to himself. "Well then Malfoy better watch out!"
"Ok, maybe I'll give it a shot." Harry agreed.
"Great! But it has to have the same basic story." Hermione said. Then they all began to write.
As the morning oozed by into afternoon, the four had spread out across the room. Ron was laying on his stomach in front of the fridge and munching on the various leftovers he could reach from the floor. Hermione had ditched her parchment and quill, preferring to type on her laptop. She leaned back in her chair with her feet resting comfortably on the table. Harry was slouched in the doorway. His neck was propped up against one side while he lay across the threshold and leaned his long legs up the other side of the doorframe. He wrote on the hard surface of a stained cutting board and chewed on the cap of his pen while he thought. Ginny had long since given up and was currently in the den reading fanfiction on Harry's laptop. Her parchment, which had a few ideas scrawled on it, was resting on the table near Hermione's ankles.
"Done!" cried Ron. He flopped his head down on the parchment and didn't move.
"Me too." said Harry. He rolled over and lay on his stomach just like Ron was.
"I'm almost." replied Hermione, barely paying attention. Ron turned his head and glanced at Harry.
"Pst!" he hissed. Harry opened his eyes. Ron put his finger to his lips in the universally understood "shh" sign and pointed to the papaya earnestly. Harry kicked it over. Ron picked it up and then slowly got to his feet. He kneaded the papaya until it was disgustingly squishy. Light orange juice began to seep out as Ron mashed the fruit between both hands. Harry sat up and looked from Ron to Hermione.
"Done!" Hermione said proudly as she set her computer onto the table beside her legs. Then Ron hurled the papaya back at her. Hermione shrieked as it hit the side of her chair and exploded, showering her with bits of orange flesh and black seeds. She swung her legs off the table and stood up, intending to charge at Ron and pulverize him when she slipped on a chuck of papaya. Hermione grasped at the chair and table behind her, but to no avail! She landed flat on her rear as the boys ducked out of the room, their laughter ringing in her ears.
Hermione picked herself up from the floor and began to vanish the mess. As she scourgified her clothes, Harry and Ron returned with Ginny in tow. By the smirk on Ginny's face, Hermione knew they had recanted the tale.
"Ok, let's see these stories!" Ginny said excitedly. "I'll read them out loud and you can all listen." Hermione picked up Ron and Harry's stories and brought them to her computer as everyone else found comfortable positions near the table. Harry and Ron were laying on their stomachs in front of Ginny, who was sitting in Hermione's chair. Hermione sat on the floor behind the boys and waited to hear the stories.
"I'm going to read Hermione's first, ok? Ginny asked. "'Cause I'm sure it'll be the most boring." Ignoring Hermione's indignant huff, she began:
Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand
Professor Granger was working on a potion that would cure lycanthropy when she heard a knock at the door. She cast protective spells around the reactive potion and went to see who it was. Opening the door of her Potion Master's private study, she was unsurprised to see Ron and Harry, even though they had arrived unexpectedly.
"We've got a plan." said Harry, grinning mischievously. "We're going to take the entire Gryffindor house on a secret surprise field trip!"
"What are you taking about?" Professor Granger said impatiently. "Have you even talked to Dumbledore?"
"No. But don't worry, Ron and I have been working with Fred and George and we've created a mass drone spell. We'll smuggle the Gryffindors out and replace them with drones who will pretend to eat and walk around. It's only for the weekend, no one will notice." Harry looked proud of himself.
"And just where are you intending to take my Gryffindors?" Professor Granger asked. She couldn't believe Harry was serious.
"The Pacific Ocean! Won't it be –"
"WHAT?! You can't be serious!" Hermione cried.
"No, that's my godfather." Harry grinned, clearly impressed with his joke.
"You can come too, Hermione." Ron said temptingly. Hermione sighed and pinched her nose.
"That's not the issue, it's –"
"Having trouble boys?" Fred and George appeared behind Harry and Ron. "We'll take care of her. You know how to do the spell right?" After Harry nodded, he and Ron left to rouse the Gryffindors. Fred and George immediately tackled Hermione to the ground, straddling her chest and legs. George grabbed Hermione's wand from her hand just in time to avoid one of Ginny's infamous Bat-Bogey Hexes. Fred sent a cord out of his wand that began to wrap around Hermione's ankles. George tied her wrists and then they got off her. They rolled her over and hogtied her. Then Fred levitated Hermione's body and they made their way from the dungeons to the Gryffindor common room.
When they crawled through the Fat Lady's portrait, Hermione was amazed to see two identical sets of Gryffindors. Four identical teenage versions of Sirius Black walked up to her. Two of them laughed as Hermione's eyes widened.
"Don't worry, they're not all real." Fred whispered in her ear. She watched as Harry set up several portkeys around the room. One half of the Gryffindors all reached to touch a portkey. They all disappeared. Harry brought a portkey and set it on top of the levitating Hermione. Then he, Ron, and the twins all put a hand on it. Hermione felt the familiar tugging sensation around her navel as they transported away from Hogwarts.
THUD. Fred lost concentration when they arrived at the ocean and Hermione fell flat on the ground, unable to protect herself. He twitched his wand and her bonds vanished. Immediately, Hermione grabbed her wand from his hand and sent him flying into the ocean. George was thrown in right after. Their loud splashes turned everyone's attention to the expanse of ocean beside them. Harry had portkeyed them to a low ridge near a beach. They were indeed at the ocean. As Fred and George emerged at the surface of the water, they screamed and desperately swam to the ridge.
"Piranhas! Piranhas!" they cried. Harry and Ron hurried to help them. As Harry was hoisting George out of the water, he glimpsed something shining at the bottom.
"Accio shiny thing!" he said. The object in question zoomed up towards him and jabbed George in the eye. Harry grabbed it before it fell back down and realized it was a wand. It had uneven human tooth marks where most wizards would have held it, leading him to suspect it's previous owner had been a pirate. Harry waved it absentmindedly and the water, which had been swarming and frothing in the excitement of the overeager piranhas went still. Then the surface of the water rippled from a central point five feet from him. Something began to quickly rise out of the water. Hermione squinted at the writhing black mass before realizing –
"It's the piranhas! It's a giant piranha monster!" she cried. Harry blinked quickly and began casting spells at the portkeys as the monster loomed closer to the ridge. Ron ordered the Gryffindors to go back to the common room via the portkeys. The piranhas monster suddenly lurched towards Hermione and broke apart above her, the mass of fish consuming her. Harry threw the wand he had found back into the water and ran into the confusion with the last portkey. He felt Hermione's arm just as the portkey activated. They appeared in the Potion Master's private study, along with half a dozen vicious piranhas. Hermione shrieked and waved her arms trying to shake them off. Harry blasted them away from her one by one with his wand until Hermione was safe. She looked around and shrieked again, dismayed at the sight of 3 piranha skeletons floating in her lycanthropy potion. She picked the skeletons out and the potion turned a blood red.
"No…it can't be!" Hermione whispered to herself. The potion fit the exact description her theories and predictions had mentioned.
THE END