2. Grudge

Music track: School Days

Imagine this funny scene. Three people sit next to each other in class: two girls and a boy. Used to be close friends, now not so much.

No, this isn't the funny part yet. Let's say the guy sitting next to the window at the far left glances to his right by complete accident - it happens all the time, classes aren't all that captivating, really. The girl sitting in the middle immediately notices this and does the same, turning her head to avoid eye contact. But that means she has to face the other girl, who likewise notices what's happening and also looks aside.

Who is the worst off? The poor boy with the hat to the right of the trio, who suddenly thinks that everyone is staring at him for some reason.

Oh, you mean this isn't funny at all? I don't think it's funny either. But in the past few days, this has been the story of my life.

I have to say, avoiding each other like this is hard work. For example, we have this unspoken agreement of sorts about where one is allowed to spend their lunch break so they won't run into the others: Shizune locks herself up in the student council room, Misha goes to the cafeteria and I spend my voluntary exile in the school grounds. I tried to rooftop as well, but Emi and Rin usually eat their lunch there also, and I found that the doom cloud hanging over my head is contagious… if that metaphor even makes sense. Suffice to say that I didn't want to bother them with my problems.

I'd love to just brush the whole thing aside, to act like it doesn't matter. Graduation isn't that far off now, after all; I think I could manage until then even with my hands tied behind my back. Falling into depression over this would be an admittance of defeat, and I've spent too much time in Shizune's company to allow myself that luxury now. After constantly getting swamped by work in the Student Council, some free time is also more than welcome.

I can't do that though. Not all of us are coping so well with the situation, and even in the few moments when I can forget about everything else, that thought keeps nagging me in the back of my head. I guess it doesn't help that I feel responsible. Guilt can turn the best moments of ignorance sour.

Perhaps the most infuriating part is that I cannot confront the issue directly; I already blew my chances with that. But in a more roundabout way, maybe… just maybe… if I could only find the right moment…

Perhaps today is the day. My savior appears in the classroom door fifteen minutes before lunch break, like an angel with long, flowing golden hair… and a white cane.

Lilly knocks lightly on the door frame to make sure she gets the teacher's attention. There's really no need, as everyone in the room is looking at her by now.

"Please excuse me," she says in her trademark polite manner that is probably unmatched in the entire Yamaku student body. "I was asked by the principal to bring a member of the Student Council to her to discuss some urgent matters. Can one of them be excused from class?"

My eyes immediately dart towards Shizune, then move to Misha. I see indecision on both of their faces, with a healthy amount of confusion added on the former's part, since she could not understand a word of what was said. Misha's hands rest in her lap, unmoving. Perfect.

"I'll go." I rise from my seat before the two could somehow disagree, glancing at the teacher, who nods in reply.

I nearly drag Lilly out of the room, giving her my heartfelt thanks as we walk towards the principal's office. She's visibly confused by it, but decides not to press the subject with a small smile. I can't deny I love that part about her.

The visit itself isn't anything special; it was "urgent" only because the principal has to leave for a conference in Seoul and wanted to ask a few questions about the council election budget beforehand. I've been out of the loop regarding the Student Council recently, but that much I can still answer with ease.

The whole meeting is over in less than five minutes, after which I casually ask the principal if there exists a spare key to the council room, since the president will be busy in the afternoon and I forgot to get it from her. She asks around the office, and a minute later I am handed a single key on a small metal chain. I promise to return it in short order and leave with a polite bow.

So far so good.

Music track: Stride

I enter the council room a minute or two before the bell. It looks neat and tidy, even too much so. I note with a sigh that Shizune packed away everything into the drawers again. It seems so pointless; she has to work with some of that on a daily basis. But since as far as she's concerned she now has the room all for herself, I guess I don't have the right to complain.

The familiar melody fills the air throughout Yamaku, signaling the beginning of lunch break. It makes me slightly nervous, but I can't let that distract me right now, so I sit down and take a couple of deep breaths. I found that the exercise they've taught me to do if my heart starts acting up can also help a lot with my nerves being on edge in general.

…Since when have I become so utilitarian regarding my condition?

My thoughts are interrupted by a rattling noise coming from the door. Someone is trying to open the lock - in vain, of course, since it was already open to begin with.

A few moments later a confused-looking Shizune steps inside, her surprise growing by several orders of magnitude as she notices me sitting there. I quickly stand up, and start signing to her with the most confidence I can muster.

[Can I have a word with you?]

Shizune finally collects herself, and narrows her eyes at me. Maybe she'd even cross her arms, if that wouldn't prevent her from replying.

[What do you want?]

Another deep breath. I need to do this right.

[It's about Misha.]

I see her stern look waver for a moment, but I'm not sure in which direction. Was that doubt? Or maybe annoyance? Either way, she's waiting for me to continue, so that is what I will do.

[I thought about what you told me that morning, and I guess you have every reason to be angry with me. I betrayed your trust, in more ways than one. But this is just between you and me, not her. Misha still truly, honestly wants to be your friend. She doesn't care if you see life as a series of battles or not, and now she's feeling terrible that you're trying to push her away like this.]

There's more I want to tell her, but the mental effort needed to produce these sentences just the way I want them forces me to take a break for a moment. Shizune uses this very moment to interject.

[It doesn't matter.]

What…?

[This is for the best. For all three of us.]

I'm completely taken aback by her bluntness. It hits me especially hard since I know how sign language forces you to think your thoughts over before you present then - Shizune meant every word she said. Still, I make a decision to assume the opposite; that's the only possibility I can work with right now.

[Do you even realize what you're saying? How would this be for the best? We've spent days trying to keep Misha from giving up on us, and now you want to go against everything we did? How does that even make sense?]

As my hands form the words one after the other, I notice how it takes me a lot less effort than only moments before. This feels more natural, somehow.

And why not? With Shizune, an argument is probably the most natural form of discussion. Perhaps she's also aware of this fact; this realization makes me look at her previous words in a whole new light. Seeing how she also lacks an immediate retort for me fills me with hope, and I continue signing with renewed vigor.

[What's best for Misha isn't up to us to decide. Remember when I told you about the things I want to say to her when we can finally get her to listen? I wanted her to see the mistakes I made with my old group of friends, I wanted to tell her how I regret them… but the decision whether she wants to repeat them was still in her hands. She made her choice. She came back to us… to you. Don't throw that away.]

I slowly lower my arms. I think I said everything I wanted to say. Of course, I don't expect her to give in right away, even if she agrees with me on everything, which I doubt. This is Shizune we're talking about, she's going to latch on to the smallest mistake to pick my argument apart. But nonetheless, I get the feeling that we're on the right track.

She knows it's up to her to say something now. Her hands move about in the air for a while meaninglessly, as if searching for the right words to use; it's something I hear a lot in speech, but looks really unusual like this. Tearing my gaze away from her hands, I glance at her face. The fire in her eyes, which lights up every time she's challenged by something or someone, is noticeably missing.

That's odd.

Her expression hardens. I guess that means she finally got her thoughts together, but I still can't help but feel uneasy for some reason as her hands began to form words in my direction.

Music track: Moment of Decision

[Please leave.]

…

I simply stare at her, rooted to the spot.

That wasn't an argument. That wasn't… anything.

She seems to have interpreted my lack of reply as defiance, because she takes a resolute step forward and points at the door.

[Out!]

But… how…

Her expression now taken over by fury, Shizune grabs my arm. I don't remember her grip being this strong.

The next thing I know, I'm shoved through the door, which slams shut behind me.

I hear the lock turn. I think I left the spare key inside.

Waves of exasperation and disappointment run through my body, magnified by the fading sound of her footsteps from the other side.

…

What…

What on earth was that…?

I couldn't bring myself to care about the afternoon classes.

If a teacher sees me walking around the school corridors like this while everyone else is in class, I think I'll be in trouble, but right now I don't really care about that either.

I can't wrap my head around what happened. She made no effort to prove me wrong, just threw me out. She gave up on the argument. She gave up… just like last time.

The Shizune I know would never do something like that.

The Shizune I know… or the Shizune I think I know? I'm not so sure anymore.

Maybe… it's time to reconsider what I thought I understood about her, starting from the very beginning.

When I came to Yamaku, it was Shizune and Misha who first reached out to me. It was hard to tell them apart back then, since everything Shizune said or thought could only reach me through Misha. I had a vague idea about how the pink-haired girl with the drills was the more carefree one while the bespectacled president was more strict, and how well they worked together regardless to get what they wanted, but unsurprisingly, my understanding of the two was merely skin-deep. Still, I saw both of them as attractive in their own way, and I think on some level I knew from the beginning that they were trying to help me, so I found myself drawn to them.

Then came the festival. The fireworks lit the sky. Misha fell asleep, I was feeling depressed, and Shizune stood up, spreading her arms wide.

And I fell in love with an impression.

Still, that impression did not seem all that baseless, even in retrospect. I started taking sign language classes, and for the first time, I could talk to a girl who turned out to be a lot more likeable as a person than some would think at first glance. I felt that my understanding of her grew, and so did my feelings. At the end of Tanabata, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Then something went wrong. The way Shizune acted during our summer trip left me with questions I cannot answer to this day, with the time I've spent with my hands tied to a chair only confounding things even further. That probably wasn't her intention, but it still turned out that way nonetheless.

How strange. It's not like I realized this problem only now, but it still feels like the first time I truly admitted its existence. I remember wanting to talk to Shizune about it, but then the election preparations came along, and… I don't know. It's as if she has some kind of reality-distortion field around her that makes you forget all your worries and just concentrate on the task at hand. On the next big thing. Tanabata, reports, student council elections… There's no time to deal with personal issues. And she doesn't notice, heck, no one really notices as they just keep piling up, until one day it all comes crashing down on our heads.

It sure did. And now that it did, there's no way I can ignore it any longer.

It's just like Misha said: she brings people close, then pushes them away. Shizune herself admitted as much to me recently, but that fact alone did not bring me any closer to understanding why. After all, this isn't like gravity, something we obviously take for granted. Things can't be so simple. I thought I understood her thought process better when I realized how she compartmentalizes life events, but that only serves to explain why people have trouble getting along with her. It doesn't say a thing about shutting people out when she so desires.

Ugh, now I'm starting to sound bitter.

But isn't that the same thing she's doing now? She might hide behind rants about how she screwed up and how this is the best for everyone, but the fact remains: she's shutting us all out, and doesn't give a damn about how we might feel about that. That's how things are going to be, period.

I thought she may have collapsed under the strain of possibly losing a friend, because she could not even trust me, her supposed boyfriend. The idea feels almost laughable now. Shizune collapsing? For that to be possible, she would need to rely on someone first. I'm no longer sure she really has. Ever.

You know what, Shizune? I think you're afraid. You're afraid of what might happen if you let people too close. They may see things you don't want them to see; I guess boyfriends are especially dangerous in this regard. You may have to treat them as equals rather than subordinates, if for no other reason then because you now need them as much as they need you. A life with less arguments and more compromises? Perish the thought.

That fear in her is stronger than anything. Even stronger than her self-esteem or competitive spirit, apparently.

…

…

…maybe I'm also afraid.

Regardless of everything, I know I made some mistakes, a couple of really bad ones too, but it turns out I don't really feel like facing them. I'd rather have someone else clean up my own mess. Thinking that I already blew my chances to make things right myself is all too easy.

Well, if this "discussion" with Shizune was good for something, it's that I know that is not going to happen. Shizune already threw in the towel. If I don't do it, no one will.

With a sigh, I glance out the large rectangular window next to me; from up here on the third floor, the school grounds look beautiful bathed in the afternoon sun. Beautiful, but also lonely. No one is out there yet, after all.

A voice in my head tells me to think this through before doing anything. Rushing things might just make the situation even worse. Then again, I thought really long and hard about what to say to Shizune, I even looked up a few words in the dictionary. And what did I accomplish?

Nothing. We're further apart than ever.

Shizune might be fine with it, but I'm not. I had enough of excuses, of pretending and running away. Time to face the music; if I screw up, then I screw up.

With these thoughts in mind, I head towards the exit as the last period ends and Yamaku comes to life around me.