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The previous night was Friday, so Alex went to bed without setting an alarm. She unfortunately still didn't get much rest, however. After fading in and out of sleep for most of the morning, she finally got up and walked to the bathroom. You look like shit, Cabot. She thought to her reflection. In the mirror she saw that her eye makeup from the day before was streaked down her face; her eyes, full of exhaustion and uncertainty, were red from crying and rubbing too hard, the discomfort having given her something to focus on over the unrelenting thoughts swarming her restless mind.

She had spent the night tossing and turning, thinking about the interactions of the previous day. She thought about her makeout-session and almost sexual encounter with the new detective. Yes, she was attractive. But was that even a factor? She was thinking about Olivia when she kissed her, touched her. Amanda was right—it wasn't fair to continue.

They had been flirting in the bar and in the cab, though. The one that the other woman suggested they take to Alex's apartment, together. She invited her up and she agreed. Had Amanda wanted her from the start? If that was true, she thought, she admired her self-control to push her away and walk out the door.

She thought about what Amanda had said about Olivia's interaction with her, that it seemed that she didn't have someone she was seeing. How could that be gathered from one short conversation—not even conversation—though? What if she was wrong? Drinking always makes you overly confident of your assumptions. Like Alex's assumption that Amanda was being more than friendly, that she wanted that kiss, wanted her. Although she was still pretty confident of that come the morning.

What she wasn't sure of were her own feelings about this new woman. Was she just drunk and needy? She told Amanda herself—her heart wanted Olivia. Her body did, too. But Olivia wasn't there, Amanda was. And she had been so kind to her.

She also tried to think that she was unsure about what she really wanted with Olivia. But she corrected herself. She did know—she wanted to live happily ever after, and pretend like all those years apart didn't matter; to pick up where they left off. But she wasn't sure if it could happen. She always somehow thought she would end up with Olivia. But life doesn't work the way you want it to. She knew that all too well, of course. Refraining from growling and pulling her hair out, she got dressed and walked to the kitchen.

Alex made herself some coffee and started reading the newspaper on her computer. She had a calm, uneventful weekend ahead of her. She had some work to do from home, and would spend her free time reading a book and exercising. Her building had a workout room, and she was grateful she had the time and energy to use it. She pounded away on the bike, rock and dance music blaring in her ears, clearing her head. A few minutes later, she winced as she raised a 10-lb dumbbell over her head, her third set. She was content with the physical pressure to take the place of the emotional pressure she had been dealing with.

Her two days off turned out to be pretty relaxing, as long as she kept her mind occupied. She exhausted herself Friday night trying to answer all the questions nagging her. She didn't want to think about her romantic situation(s?) right now. And she didn't feel like talking to anyone. She enjoyed spending time by herself; and she had done enough soul-sharing at the bar.

When she walked into the SVU squad room Monday morning, she was nervous, but she tried not to let it show. She was worried how meeting with the two female detectives would go. There were group conversations regarding their new cases, during which Alex tried to determine Olivia and Amanda's moods. Olivia seemed calmer than she had been the few days earlier; she appeared her normal self, focused on finding bad guys. Amanda was as bright-faced and determined as ever. Alex didn't have personal contact with either one of them until she went to the bathroom later. As she opened the door, she saw Olivia there, washing her hands.

"Hey Alex," she greeted in a normal tone. "Can you talk for a sec, or are you desperate to pee?" She asked lightheartedly. Alex couldn't help but smile. She had always loved her little cute comments like that. But something was off.

"It can wait," she replied.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day. I've just been really tense with Elliot gone. It's great to have you back as a member of the team."

"A member of the team?" Alex repeated slowly. Her heart felt like it was turning to ice, ready to be shattered.

Olivia sighed, looking down briefly. "We did have something, Alex…eight years ago."

Alex was silent, trying to swallow away the pain in her throat. She didn't have to pee anymore. She just wanted to cry.

"It took me a long time to get over you."

"But you are over me, then."

With her hands in her pockets, Olivia tilted her head forward, causing her hair to fall slightly in front of her face. Alex wondered why she had to be so beautiful when she was breaking her heart. The brunette gave a small "I'm sorry" smile, but didn't actually say the words. Alex was actually relieved she didn't, they just would have made it worse.

In the privacy of the stall, Alex worked to pull herself together, and put on her stoic face she usually wore. If she was going to cry, it had to be later. She had to finish the work day competently, and that meant pretending nothing was wrong.

She walked through the squad room, directing her words loudly towards no one in particular. "Do you have enough evidence for me to get a warrant for your rape suspect, yet?"

"Which rape we talkin' about here counselor," Fin responded.

Alex sighed. There were so many other people that had pain much worse than hers. She needed to focus on them.

"Any of them?" She offered weakly.

She got a drink from the water cooler and made herself focus on the board full of photos of victims, suspects, evidence. She saw the blonde detective walk towards her and grab herself a cup.

"Hey Alex, how you doin'?"

"Pretty shitty, frankly." Alex responded automatically. There she was again, being so unfiltered with Amanda. She couldn't explain it. She just made her so at ease, she guessed.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said back. Her tone was so genuine.

Alex turned towards her, looking her in the eye. "Amanda, I'm sorry about the other night…" She didn't know if she should say something else.

"No worries," the other woman replied just as simply, and flashed a smile. She turned towards the board to study it alongside Alex.

As she thought about their cases and what she could go to trial with, Alex was very aware of Amanda's presence beside her, but it didn't bother her. Regardless of what had happened between them in her apartment, she liked Amanda. She hadn't felt so comfortable with someone so quickly in a long time. About eleven years, in fact, when she started working with a certain other female detective. Now she wondered if she would ever be able to feel that comfort with Olivia again.

At home, Alex was trying to relax with a beer and a book, tonight a historical novel on Hitler's Berlin. She knew the irony of reading about evil in her free time when she dealt with it every day at work. She read some happy books too, sometimes, and the occasional lesbian romance.

But she couldn't focus on reading right now. She was thinking about what Olivia said earlier that day. It wasn't much, but Alex was going over every word in her mind, trying to figure out what to do with it. They did have something? So they couldn't anymore? Calling her a member of the team was such a deliberate statement. Straight to the point, she supposed. Olivia had to have known how cruel that would be. It took her a long time to get over her? How long? What does that even mean? Had she deliberately tried to forget about their romance? Probably, she reasoned, she had been gone for so long. But they got together when she was back…before she left again. Alex cursed herself and felt the tears threatening. It was all her fault.

What if Amanda was right? That Olivia was always in love with her, but she's locking up because she thinks she'll just get left again?

And what about Amanda? Alex naturally liked her, opened up to her. Was that just friendship, though? Fucking lesbians and their blurred lines, she thought. Amanda wanted her, didn't she? Did she want her back? Alex let out a "Hmp" that no one else could hear. She was the one who kissed Amanda. And wanted to lead her to bed. "Oh geez."

Alex put down the book she wasn't reading and got ready for bed.

The rest of Alex's workweek was a pretty standard one, mainly spent at her office in the DA's building. She went into the precinct a couple times, dropping off warrants and checking on the progress of investigations. But both times were brief, and with little interaction with the women on her mind, except for friendly hellos with Amanda, and Alex staring at Olivia, wondering what would make her change her mind.

On Friday evening a knock on her door brought Alex out of the case file she was intensely focused on. She realized it was after six o'clock. "Come in," she called.

The door opened. "Hey, Cabot." Detective Rollins stood in her doorway, now casually leaning against the frame. "It's a little late to be working on a Friday, don't you think?"

Alex felt herself grin. "So why did you think I'd be here?"

Amanda smirked back. "Oh, just a good guess. We're all workaholics, aren't we?"

"Fair enough." Alex sat back in her chair. "So what's up, detective?"

"Want to come out to dinner with me? There's this Thai place I've been wanting to try."

Again, Alex didn't review her response before saying "I'd love to." "But I, uh…" Alex looked down. "I'm not really dressed for a dinner date, detective."

Amanda raised her hands in kind of a shrug, gesturing to her black work jeans and blue button up. "Neither am I. Let's just go like this."

"Alright. Give me a minute?" Amanda looked around her office while she gathered her papers. She hadn't been here yet. Alex wondered if her response meant that this indeed was a date. She thought she should be more nervous for her first first-date in years.

She finished packing up her briefcase and walked to join the detective.

"You always bring your work home with you, counselor?"

"Of course."

Amanda shook her head. "Silly question, I suppose."

When they got to the street, Alex asked, "So where is this place?"

"A few blocks from here." She thought for a moment. "Eight, I think. Do you mind if we walk? It's a nice night."

"Sounds good."

As they got to the end of the block and were waiting for the light, Amanda looked at Alex. "Can I hold your hand?"

Alex thought it was so sweet how she asked. She smiled, and paused a moment this time before consciously answering. "Yes."

Amanda smiled back as she slipped her fingers through hers.