DAY 2

Finn winced at the bright burst of light that bitch slapped him across the face.

"Ahh! What the fuck?"

"Rise and shine sleepyhead!" Kurt trilled, throwing back his curtains. "Time to start the day!"

"Kurt?"

"Morning!" Kurt sang, and flopped himself down on the bed next to Finn. Man, he was practically vibrating he was so cheerful. Finn was certain that wasn't normal morning behavior for anyone but birds.

"Kurt...what are you doing in my room?"

"Nothing! I mean, why do you ask? I wasn't doing anything wrong. Just...coming in to wake up my favouritest brother!" Kurt scrunched up his nose and bumped a tentative fist against Finn's shoulder, beaming.

Finn stared back, confused."Riiiight..."

Was it just him, or was Kurt grinning kind of...what was the word he'd taught him? Maniacally. Kurt was grinning maniacally.

"I mean, it wasn't like I was watching you sleep! Ahahhaha!" Kurts laugh was high and kind of frantic. "Wouldn't that be funny? No, no. I wasn't doing that at all." He cleared his throat; eyes darting across the room.

"Why did you come to wake me up anyway?" Finn rubbed his eyes; he was starting to feel like Keanu Reeves in nearly every movie he'd ever made. Apart from Bill and Ted. No, especially Bill and Ted.

"I don't do that?" Kurt's brows knitted together slightly.

"No, you... don't."

"Well it's about high time I started! What kind of a brother would I be if I didn't bother to brother him. Brotherly brother...love. Love for your brother. Platonic. Completely platonic, brotherly love." Kurt was wandering round his room now, absentmindedly searching for something.

"O...kay?" Seriously, what was up with him? Yeah, Kurt had taken to bringing him a glass of hot milk at night, but that was comforting (and delicious). This? This was just kind of creepy.

Kurt whipped round and held up a bottle of lotion in his hands. "Who wants their morning rub down!"

DAY 3

Mercedes frowned as Rachel sat down next to her with a big grin. "Hey, Mercy!"

"Are you lost?"

"What? Oh! Oh. No, I was just-" Rachel smoothed down her skirt. Her stylish skirt. "Felt like sitting here!"

"You look good," Mercedes said before she could stop herself. "Is that-"

"Vivienne Westwood? Yes. And notice the lack of knee high stockings? I no longer look like a Japanese businessman's weekend secret."

"I like it," Mercedes nodded. "You look like Kurt dressed you."

"Hahahhahahah! No. No. Although. That boy has taste and the skin of a dove." She shook her head. "I took yesterday off and went shopping with one of the dads cards. If I'm going to be stuck in this body I'm going to make it look divine."

"Kurt, no offense but could you stop following me? And hugging me. I don't think brothers hug like that. With all the grinding? Let go of my leg!" Finn cried as he entered the choir room, shaking the boy off. "This is worse than the massage."

"Oh, my God. I can't believe it!' Rachel muttered. "I'm going to kill her!"

Mercedes turned to her, eyebrow raised. "What? You're going to kill who?"

"Er- Er- Santana! I'm going to kill Santana." The girl turned round at her name. "Yeah, you! I'm going to kill you, bitch tits."

"Rachel! That's enough!" Mr. Schue said shocked.

"Yeah, Rachel," Kurt hissed as he took a seat. "That's enough." He made a cutting motion across his throat.

Rachel smirked. "Mr. Schue! Mr. Schue! We all know I have the second to best voice in the class, after Kurt's and-"

"I disagree!" Kurt snapped back. "I vote you best. I barely compete."

"Oh, no-no! You're too kind. I sound like a garbage disposal being raped by a gorilla. You sound like an airy angel. And you're soattractive."

"Stop it! Please. I sound like a woman in the throes of child birth! And I look like a gnome, but you! You are a Goddess!"

Mercedes blinked. What in hell was going on with these two?

"Guys?" Mr. Schue, shook his head. "Can we start the lesson?"

"Stop stroking my thigh, Kurt!" Finn snapped. "Not cool."

"That bitch is going to pay," Rachel muttered. And Santana moved down two seats.

"Rachel? You okay?" Mercedes asked. "I'm finding you strangely likeable today. And I reallywant to punch Kurt."

"I'm fine." Rachel stood up and walked primly to the front of the room. "In fact, I would like to sing a song and dedicate to you, my fellow glee clubbers. I hope you enjoy it." She tossed her hair over her shoulder and let out a soulful wail, hand raised in the air and eyes squeezed shut.

"Oohhh stick yooooouuuuu your maaahaaaaamaaaa toooo-hooooo and your, your daaaa-haaaa-deeeyyyyeeehhhehhhhh."

Tina tapped at Mercedes shoulder. "Is she singing Daphne and Celeste?"

Mercedes shook her head. "I think- I think she- Oh, my God! Is she doing a mash up?"

" U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Hey! Hey! You ugly. U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Hey! Hey! You ugly!"

Mercedes had to admit, squat thrusts aside, it was pretty catchy.

"Stop! Stop!" Kurt was on his feet now. "Actually, I want to sing a song?"

"Kurt, you can't just interrupt like that," Mr. Schue leant forward and mouthed "Thanks, though."

Rachel sniffed, and placed a hand on her hip. "Oh? Well I'm sure whatever you sing will sound amazing no matter how ridiculous the song. You just have that range, Kurt."

Kurt smiled graciously. "This is a song I wrote just this morning. I'm sure you'll be more than a little moved." He turned to the group, taking a big breath. "Look at me, I'm Kurt! I'm really dummmmb and I wiiish I was as good as Rachel la la la!" He twirled round and wriggled his rear at the shocked glee clubbers "But I'm nooot because I'm a stinkyyy boyyy and my face is too small!'

Finn clapped "Dude, that's such a good impression! Of, er-you."

"Stop jiggling!" Rachel snapped. "You're stretching the seat of those jeans! They cost more than your future children's therapy will!"

"Ner, ner, ner! Ohhh, I like fashion and booyyys! I'm so uniiique! Everyone look at meeee! Look at my butt, look at my butt!"

"Stop it!" Rachel shoved him hard in chest. "I- you don't sound like that!"

"Yes! I do! Don't I, Finn?"

"Yeah, he kind of does."

"He was talking to Finn, Mr. Schue!" Rachel crossed her arms and sniffed.

"Do you realize I had to get up a full hour earlier just to pour myself into these ridiculously tight pants? I used an entire tub of Vaseline-

"That's not what it's for!"

"-and I had to shave my insanely hairy legs. Is your real father Robin Williams? I swear I made a small family of foxes homeless."

Rachel gritted her teeth. "You shaved-? Fine, right. Perfect! Well, I got up early so I could Google how to insert a tampon-"

"Rachel!" Mr. Schue interrupted. "Maybe you should sit down?"

"-and I'm pretty sure that I lost my virginity to a piece of cotton. You're welcome. I'm pretty sure that's me set until college." She turned to the class. "I've been leaking from an open wound for two days. How have I not bled to death."

Mr. Schue whimpered.

"Well, I had to get up even earlier to brush my teeth, it took me that long to find them!"

"There is nothing wrong with your teeth! Least they are regularly maintained! Unlike my gates to hell. I swear I saw the kid from The Secret Garden wheeling around in there."

"Rachel!" Mr. Schue gasped. "Pull your skirt back down."

"Oh, my God. Stop talking, Kur- I mean, cunt."

"Kurt!" The teacher turned to him. "Watch your language! What is the matter with you today?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schue. I was recently diagnosed with penis warts. I guess this is a side effect."

"Ah.' He nodded sagely. "Been there."

"Hey!" Rachel spun on her Manolo heel and went to push at his shoulders, stopping before her hands made contact. "Wait. Take off that blazer so I don't crease it."

"Oh? You don't want to damage this?" Kurt's hands wandered down his chest, and then his eyes narrowed. He clutched at either side of the labels, tugging with an almighty rip. "Oops!"

"Argh! Did anyone see where that button went? You little bitch!" Rachel snapped. "You- you-" She slapped herself hard. "Ha!"

"How dare you!" Kurt retaliated by smacking himself across the face, leaving a huge red welt.

"Don't! That skin bruises like a peach!"

Kurt smiled. And backhanded himself again.

"Go on, Kurt! Kick your own ass!" Puck yelled out. "Yeah, boy!"

"Guys! Stop!" Mr. Schue made a dash for Rachel who had her hands buried deep in her own hair, grasping and pulling as she span round screeching in pain. "Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!"

Mercedes gasped, hand to her chest in horror. "Kurt! No!"

Rachel, tangled in Mr. Schue's arms, looked up. "No! Don't!"

Kurt, hands joined in a fist above his head, nodded in a maniacal fashion. Then brought them down and punched his own groin with all his might.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Mr. Schue released Rachel with a deep sigh. "Puck? Could you take Kurt to the school nurse? Rachel? Go wait for me in the principal's office."

"That better still work," Rachel muttered at a writhing Kurt before flouncing from the room.