4
Jessica stared at him in shock as he walked away and then turned to look at me with her mouth still hanging open. I felt like she looked, and couldn't move, so I remained still on my bed. She walked up to the bunk and stood on Alice's mattress to stare face to face with me.
"Did you hear him?" she asked.
"That was for your benefit," I said, hoping it wasn't true.
"You guys aren't doing it in here, are you?" she said angrily.
"Would you shut up," I said as I got down from the bunk. "Don't you have anything better to do than spy on me and Edward?"
"This is my room too," she yelled.
"Great, have fun in your room," I said as I left the room. I went outside and sat on the walkway as I tried to determine what Edward meant by his words. Maybe it was a buddy thing, like something I would say to Alice.
I saw Alice skipping up the walkway and she smiled as she sat next to me. "What's up, Bella?"
"Nothing, Jessica is buggin," I said with irritation.
"Jaz said Edward has a thing for you," she said as if it was big news.
"Jaz? He lets you call him that?"
She laughed and bumped my shoulder with hers as she said, "He would let me call him anything I want."
"So, he's like your boyfriend?" I asked.
"No, this is true love, I'm going to spend forever with him," she said seriously.
"That's crazy, you are only a junior and he doesn't live anywhere close to you."
She looked out into the darkness and her smile began to fade. I could tell I made her sad and should have let her keep her fantasy. This place wasn't real and it didn't make sense for people like Rose and Emmett to be together just as much as it didn't make sense for Alice and Jasper.
"Alice do you feel like you are getting help?" I asked her to change the subject.
"Yeah, I learned a lot about why I steal things. I thought they would just teach me to have better control, but we are getting into some really deep stuff to show me why I steal."
I realized the only help I was getting came from Edward. I had the one panic attack when Carlisle tried to get me to open up; I needed to put in more of an effort and that scared me.
"What about Rosalie?"
Alice looked sad again and shook her head. "I heard her throwing up the other night."
"Really, did you say anything?" I asked in shock.
"No, I just went back to bed."
At that moment Rosalie came walking up carrying something in a small bag. She opened it and handed us both a large cookie. Alice took hers, but I confronted Rose.
"Are you having one?"
"Yeah, I got three," she beamed.
"Why don't you just throw them in the trash and save the enamel on your teeth," I said as I stared into her eyes.
"That's not funny," she said back to me.
"You're right, it isn't. And I'm putting you on notice that we will be watching you, so decide right now if you want the cookie or not."
She narrowed her eyes in anger, but I never flinched. She finally looked at the bag and slowly handed it to me. I smiled at her and scooted over so she could sit with me and Alice.
"It is so hard to be around Emmett and not pig out, he makes me feel so small," she confessed.
"He makes you feel so happy," I corrected her.
Her smile grew and she sighed, "I am so crazy about the big, dumb guy."
"Yeah, your tongue constantly down his throat gives it away," I teased.
"Rose," Alice asked. "Do you and Emmett talk about the future or is it just something for here?"
"He says he is going to marry me," she announced and I let out a huge gasp.
"Are you kidding me, you guys are so young and you have nothing in common," I said aghast.
She gave me an angry stare and finally said, "You don't know anything about him, we have tons in common."
"Yeah," Alice threw in, "He adores Rosalie, and she does too."
We all began to laugh and I knew I needed to make an effort to fit in with the group, too. In my opinion everybody here was in various stages of broken and I couldn't imagine finding things in common and feeling loved, but it worked for Alice and Rose, so maybe it would work for me.
I got up early the next morning and went to see Esme before class. She was surprised it was me walking through her door and I wasn't sure where to start. I sat down and tried to find an opening sentence, but the whole reason I was there was because I was so confused. She finally helped me out.
"Are you finding someone to confide in, Bella?"
"I talk to Edward a little, no details, but we talk around it. I have feelings for him so I hold back, and I don't know why," I said sadly.
"Do you hold back the details or your feelings?"
"Both."
"Well, Edward is a very open person when you get past his walls. I think you should consider opening up to him. Maybe you can start by telling him what you just told me," she smiled lovingly.
"He scares me," I admitted softly.
"Do you think he would ever hurt you?" she asked.
"No, but I thinks he wants….physical things," I said with tears.
"Does that make you think of Phil?" she pushed.
"I don't think so, I had a panic attack when I spoke to Carlisle and Edward was the one to calm me."
I watched Esme's eyes widen and she reached out for my hands. "Bella, you have to tell us these things. We have medication we can give you to help deal with the anxiety your feelings are going to produce. Coming to terms with what happened will be difficult, but we have ways to help you."
I nodded as the tears fell and watched as she wrote out a prescription for me.
"Last night," I began as she wrote. "Edward said, 'love ya.' What do you think he meant?"
"I think you need to ask Edward what he meant. Can I ask about your other relationship, the one with the boy in Forks?"
I laughed and rolled my eyes. "He was a childhood friend who took me on a couple of dates when I moved in with my dad after….you know."
"Did you express feelings for him?"
"No, it was nothing like that."
"Have you kissed a boy, Bella?" she asked me directly.
I froze and wasn't sure what to say until she clarified. "Have you willingly kissed a boy?"
I shook my head back and forth and she smiled gently. "If you decide to kiss Edward I want you to concentrate on him. Keep your eyes open if you have to. Notice how his lips feel , how he smells, where he places his hands, and it will block out other thoughts."
"I feel so…out of control around him. I get angry if he says the slightest thing to me, things other people could say without making me mad. I feel like I'm not me anymore, I'm someone he knows. Does that make any sense?"
"Yes, Bella, it makes a lot of sense. Relationships change people, they grow together and become a couple. I changed the day I met Carlisle," she smiled, and when I looked at it that way it did make sense.
"Thank you," I said and began to stand when she put her hand out and kept me seated.
"Bella, do you feel guilty, and I am not talking about the fire."
I let my eyes drop to the floor and sat perfectly still. She continued to talk and I finally interrupted her. "I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know he is a sick creep, but I don't know why I didn't get help from the people around me. My dad would have helped me, and I feel guilty for not letting him."
She pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly as she whispered, "It gets easier from this point forward." I guess she felt I has some type of breakthrough and I could only hope she was right.
I got to Science after Edward, so I walked up to his desk and smiled at him. "I ran into Jessica. She is pissed at you," he told me.
"She thinks we're having sex on her bunk," I said as I shook my head.
He laughed and kicked my shoe with his, "Let's hide a condom in her sheets."
I laughed and then decided to be forthright, "Why do you have those?"
"Why?" he asked me as if I just fell off the cabbage truck.
"I know what they are for, I just wondered why you brought them to school."
He gave me an awkward chuckle and looked away as he said, "I didn't plan on sticking around most nights."
I felt my heart drop in my chest and I wanted to cry. "Do you leave at night?" I asked in a hushed whisper.
"Only once," he smiled and I felt instant relief.
"About what you said, um, last night…."
"Have a seat Ms. Swan," the teacher said and I noticed I was the only one standing. I could feel my face turn red from being singled out and from what I was asking Edward. I walked quickly to my seat and didn't look at Edward until class was halfway over.
He was deep in thought and biting on his pencil. He looked up and our eyes locked. I felt a weird sensation of emotions run through my body and refused to look away as I tried to identify them.
He was so handsome and I enjoyed looking at him. He knew my secrets and that made me feel like I somehow belonged to him. He heard me sing, and saw me at my most vulnerable, and that made me love him.
I smiled and he smiled back sending my heart racing. When the bell rang he waited at his desk for me. I walked up to him and he asked, "About last night, you were saying?"
"Oh, um, that was what Jessica got all bent out of shape over." I chickened out and that made me so angry at myself.
"Did you?" he asked.
"Did I what, get bent out of shape?"
"Yeah, I mean it just came out, I didn't plan it or anything," he said awkwardly.
"I called Jane, she cried all night," I teased to take the pressure off.
"Jane will be the only child for me," he said putting his hand on his heart.
"You perv," I laughed and he suddenly looked at me with a worried expression.
"I didn't mean….I mean I was just kidding," he stuttered.
I wasn't even thinking about Phil until he began apologizing. The realization that it would always be there between me and Edward made me pull back. I didn't want him worrying that his kisses would make me think awful things. Maybe the fact he knew would come between us, instead of bonding us. I headed to my next class without even saying goodbye.
I walked in the room and looked around for Angela. I usually sat with her, but she wasn't there. I got my book out and began reading when a feeling in the pit of my stomach just wouldn't let up. I walked up to the teachers desk and asked if I could run to the rest room.
She gave me a disapproving look so I added quietly, "I think I started my period."
She excused me and I ran to my dorm room. It was empty, I went into the bathroom and saw a line of blood snaking its way to the drain on the floor. I ran up to the stall but it was locked. I looked under to see Angela's feet, and one arm hanging down, dripping blood onto the floor.
I screamed for help at the top of my lungs as I climbed over the stall and grabbed her arm. I pulled off my shirt and rolled it into a ball to press against the deep cut in her armpit. I unlocked the door and pulled her into the open area, as I continued to scream.
I held her on my lap, keeping pressure on the seeping wound, my camisole becoming drenched in blood. When someone ran in the room I begged for help. The woman pulled out a whistle and began blowing it as she remained in the room, echoing it off the walls.
Adults came running from all directions and someone pulled Angela from my arms. I backed away against the wall, and sat staring at the blood covering me. It seemed like too much blood, like her body would be completely drained, but I had to hope I got to her in time.
I felt someone reach out and touch me, but I pushed away and moved further down the wall. I was mumbling incoherently and heard a soft voice my heart recognized, "Bella, look at me."
I looked up from my bloody hands to see Edward kneeling in front of me, as Esme stood behind him. He held out his arms and I looked back at my body. "It's all over me," I said to him in tears.
He smiled gently and said, "I don't care."
I dove into his waiting arms and he held me tightly as I cried out in horror. I felt a sharp stick in the arm as Esme injected something into me.
I was lying in bed, staring at the empty bunk next to me, angry for not trying to reach out more to Angela. I had no idea she was in such trouble and it made me disappointed in myself. Jessica and Lauren were so much alike they naturally excluded Angela. I promised if she returned to school I would not make that same mistake.
Alice walked into the room and handed me a cup of tea. Rose walked up to my bed and asked, "How did you know to come find her?"
"I just had a funny feeling when she wasn't in class," I admitted and then sipped the tea.
"You are like a hero," Rose said shaking her head. "You saved her life."
"I just hope she wanted to be saved," I said softly.
"She'll be grateful, someday," Rose said.
"It could happen to you," I pointed out to her.
"I don't cut," she said angrily.
"No, you'll just pop a vessel in your throat or stomach and bleed internally, if your heart doesn't give out first," I said back just as angrily.
"Well, you smoke," she threw back at me.
"Fine, I'll stop smoking and you stop vomiting," I challenged her.
She stared at me for a second and finally smiled, "Deal," she said extending her hand.
"I'll give you a manicure, Bella," Alice offered, "and I'll…..steal you a new wardrobe, Rosalie."
We all laughed and I knew it would not be that easy. If Rose felt her jeans getting tight she would be right back to worshipping the commode, and one kiss from Edward and I would be right back to smoking to relieve my stress.
"Are you coming to group?" Alice asked.
I sat up and felt the room spin a bit, "Yeah, Esme said I could skip, but I feel better."
We all walked in together and I saw Edward's relief written all over his face. "You missed music, again," he said jokingly.
"Sorry, but I got high with Esme," I teased.
When I sat next to him he reached out and took my hand. I felt like we were sitting under a spotlight and the entire school was looking at us. When I finally found the courage to lift my head I realized everyone else was into their own little worlds and nobody looked at me and Edward.
Carlisle walked in and blew out a long breath. "Well, it has been quite a day."
"How's Angela?" I asked.
"She's fine, she will be in the hospital for a few days and they will decide if she is stable enough to return."
"I'm not sure if putting a bunch of troubled kids together is a good idea. I mean, we all have our own issues and we can't watch out for people with bigger things," I admitted, to ease my own guilt.
"Angela's problem seems bigger because she had a crisis, but Bella, everyone's issue is big, nobody is more important than the next person. And this is a perfect example of why it is important for you guys to lean on each other. You need support and teens open up easier to other teens."
I nodded and felt the desire to punch Jessica and Lauren in the face.
"Bella, can you share with us what happened and the feelings it produced in you?" Esme asked.
I sat in thought for a moment and felt Edward squeeze my hand for support. "I just reacted until I got her in the open. As I held her I was so scared that I did something wrong, that moving her might have been the wrong decision, but…."
I felt the tears begin to fall and I struggled to continue.
"But…." Carlisle encouraged.
"I didn't want her to die alone. I wanted her to feel arms around her if she died."
Alice and Rosalie burst into tears and Edward began rubbing my arm.
"Does anyone want to share their thoughts?" Carlisle asked.
"Yeah," Jasper said quietly. "It made me wonder if I ever pushed anyone over the edge. I used to think my cons didn't really hurt anyone, and they only lost stuff. Stuff can be replaced, but maybe I did damage to their psyche and that isn't so easily replaced."
"That is great insight, Jasper," Carlisle said. "When someone is violated, whether it is economically or physically, it leaves an emotional scar. If you think of your marks as people, with families and responsibilities, it will make it harder to scam them."
"Bella pointed out the damage I am doing to my body," Rose offered. "We are going to work together, she will stop smoking and I will stop purging."
Edward looked at me with a shocked expression and I shrugged as I mumbled, "You said it was a horrible habit."
"You don't worry about what it is doing to my body?" he asked a bit put out.
"Your body's fine," I said softly, with my head down, as my mouth formed a smile.
His hand tightened around mine and he chuckled.
"Is anyone having anxiety about the visits next week?" Esme asked.
Nobody admitted anything so she continued. "There will be a school dance before the Thanksgiving break. It is optional, and not a formal, but you will need a permission slip from either Carlisle or myself to attend. It is a reward for working hard in sessions, so keep that in mind."
We were finally released to go to dinner and we walked in a group toward the cafeteria. We picked up trays and Rosalie made sure to situate herself by me as we made our way through the line. She pointed out the calorie content of each item until I finally had to yell at her.
"I'm not on a diet, Rosalie, I'm working on smoking not eating," I pointed out.
"But I heard when you stop smoking you gain weight," she said with terror in her eyes.
"I don't care," I laughed and she gasped.
"You have a great figure, you don't want to damage that," she said.
"I'll take up jogging if I have to," I said to relieve her stressed mind.
She finally put some jello and a salad on her tray and looked at me with disgust when I sat a plate of spaghetti on mine. Edward threw a large piece of garlic bread on top of the pasta causing Rose to walk away as she mumbled about carbs.
"I don't like that," I said to his laughing face. "Garlic makes me sick."
"You just don't want garlic on your breath when I kiss you," he said nonchalantly.
I stopped walking and he turned to look at my stunned face as he laughed. "Are you ever going to let me kiss you?" he asked as we stood in the middle of the cafeteria with trays between us.
I felt my face turn red and Edward looked around the room for an empty table. He led me to a back corner and sat his tray down. I stood next to him and he finally took my tray and placed it on the table next to his.
"Sit down, Bella, before you fall down," he teased.
I sat and he straddled his chair backwards and faced me. "Let's talk," he said adamantly.
"About what?" I said stupidly.
"Us," he clarified.
"Oh," was all I could say.
"I like you, and I think you like me, right?"
I nodded and looked at the spaghetti, which suddenly looked disgusting.
"I try to make some moves on you, but you shut me down, why?"
"I just need to go very slowly," I finally admitted to him.
"I understand that," he said as he ducked his head to make me look at him.
"This is all really new for me," I said as his eyes gave me confidence.
"Are you still with that other guy?" he asked and I saw his own nerves breaking through.
"No, that was only a friendship, my dad probably asked him to take me out."
"So explain why you are afraid of me," he asked and his eyes dropped from mine.
I tried to think of the best answer, I wanted to be honest with him, but I wasn't sure I really knew the reason.
"I don't think it has anything to do with Phil, I think it is the fact I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to show you I care without it seeming…..I don't know," I said in frustration.
"Wrong," he offered and I thought about it.
"Maybe, or superficial. I look at Rose and Alice and I keep thinking they are just playing. I mean how do you just suddenly love someone? And then I worry that you know things about me and how that plays into your feelings."
He thought about it for a moment and said, "The things I know just help me understand you. It doesn't make me like you any more or any less. I like you because I think you are beautiful and smart and talented. You interest me, and the more I am around you the more I care for you."
"You see inside of me, like when I sing, you see me."
"Is that a bad thing?" he asked.
"No, it is just a little….intimidating," I admitted.
"When you care for someone you want them to know you on a deeper level, maybe you don't care for me," he said sadly.
"I think about kissing you all the time, Edward," I said and his face pulled into a smile. "And then I feel nervous, or scared, and I fear I will disappoint you." I closed my eyes so he couldn't look right at me. "What if you laugh at me?" I whispered.
"Laugh at you?" he said in shock. "When have I ever laughed at you?"
"I don't know how to explain it Edward, I'm just trying to find the words to express how I feel."
"Maybe that is the problem," he offered. "Maybe you shouldn't be trying to use words and you should just show me."
I laughed and assumed he meant he wanted to me to jump him in the middle of the cafeteria. He laughed too and tried to clarify what he meant, "I meant you can use music, or hold my hand, or confide in me about stuff."
I knew exactly what he meant by 'stuff' and took a deep breath. I wasn't ready to go there yet, but there were things I could share.
"When you sang to me, when I had the panic attack, I thought you were amazing," I admitted with tears in my eyes. "And when you held out your arms in the bathroom, it was the only place I wanted to be."
He reached out and placed a strand of hair out of my face before saying, "Thank you."
I looked around the cafeteria to see if anyone was watching and Edward grabbed the bread off my plate and took a big bite. "God, I want a cigarette," he said.
"You don't have to quit for me," I told him, "this is just something I agreed to in order to help Rosalie."
"No, I need to do it," he said. "I just need to be distracted."
He grabbed my fork and wound some spaghetti around the tines and held it up to my mouth.
"You're going to feed me?" I laughed.
"Yeah, and it would help if you moan loudly," he laughed.
I opened my mouth and placed my lips around the fork as I closed my eyes and moaned in pleasure. I continued as I chewed the pasta and finally opened my eyes to see him staring at me with pure lust.
"You told me to do that," I pointed out.
"I think I need a cigarette for a whole other reason now," he said as he sat the fork back on my tray.
"That's it…only one bite?" I protested.
"Feed yourself, as I try to think of baseball stats in my head," he said with a wink.
I had to admit it felt good to know I was able to excite him. He didn't make me feel dirty like Phil did, he made me feel natural and innocent. I decided to give his suggestion a try and I reached out and rubbed my hand down his back tenderly.
He smiled from ear to ear and I had the urge to lean over and kiss him, but that was pushing my comfort zone so I picked up my fork instead.
5
The week was passing quickly. Angela had not returned and Edward and I were getting closer through our music. He would play as back up at times and then would make me follow him some days. His style was fast and loud and he pushed my limits. He always chose upbeat songs and I always chose slow, soulful songs. It was the perfect representation of who we were down deep.
The only time I saw him get emotional was when he would play something his mother loved. He would close his eyes and pour his heart out in the notes. I would always drop off part way through the song and let him play just for her.
The day before visitation day he was particularly emotional and I noticed how he would miss a note or two.
I finally sat my guitar down and looked at him, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, fine," he said quickly. "I just need a smoke."
"Are you scared to see her?" I asked.
His head spun around to look at me. "No, why would I be scared?"
"Maybe that wasn't the right word," I admitted.
He rubbed his eyes and closed the lid on the piano keys as he leaned his elbow on the wood. "I worry about my mother. She gets confused sometimes and I don't want her to wonder why I am here."
"Did you tell Carlisle or Esme?" I asked him.
He shook his head and said, "I'm only telling you."
"She is used to you being away at school, do you think she will question why you are here?" I asked him.
"If she does, should I tell her?"
I thought for a moment and finally said, "I don't see why you should upset her, if she will only forget about it later."
He nodded and rubbed his eyes again. I felt an overwhelming need to share something with him, to give a little since he was so giving with me.
"He asked me to call him daddy," I said softly and looked at the floor.
Edward scooted to the end of the piano bench to be closer to me. "Did you?" he asked.
I nodded, "At first, but I felt awful for doing it because I have a great dad."
"Why did you?"
"I wanted my mom to be happy," I said.
"Are you sure?" he pushed.
My eyes flashed in anger at him and he quickly explained what he meant. "No, I mean your mom married him, so obviously she was happy. Maybe you just wanted to feel like a family or something."
I thought about what he said and finally admitted the truth I had not realized before. "I wanted him to take care of her, I was tired of doing it. You protected your mother and I just wanted to be done with mine."
"Bella, my dad hired the best people to take care of my mother, it never fell on my shoulders. He broke her heart, and that was what I wouldn't stand for."
"I spent summers with my dad, and he asked me every year how things were going, why didn't I tell him?" I asked Edward rhetorically.
"Because you were used to being in charge; you didn't know how to be the child," he offered.
"He's a policeman, I should have gone to him right away."
"One time, I was with some friends in the city and some homeless guy approached us. He was pretty aggressive and we tried to talk to him, but he backed us into an alley. Looking back we should have seen the danger at first, but things happened slowly, and by the time it escalated into real danger we kept thinking we could control it."
I nodded and understood what he meant.
"I used to hide from him when my mom was wasn't home," I said as memories flooded my mind. "I had certain places he never looked."
"Can you tell them to me?" he asked gently.
I lowered my voice to just above a whisper and said, "In my clothes hamper and under my bathroom sink."
Edward held out his hand and scooted back on the piano bench to make room for me to sit by him. He wrapped his arms around me and leaned into my neck. "I think you are so amazing," he said and then yawned.
"You are not sleeping well, are you?" I asked already knowing his answer.
"I'm having withdrawals," he said in disgust.
"Let's go to my bunk," I suggested and he raised his head to look at me.
"Serious?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'll hold you while you sleep," I offered.
He quickly stood and pulled me up with him. I took his hand and led him to the dorm room and onto the bunk. He pulled me right up against him as he laid on his side, and I rubbed his arm that was across my stomach.
I began to hum softly and heard his steady, deep, breathing within just a couple of minutes. I turned my head to look at him. He was so beautiful. His hair and clothes were the latest fashion and his jaw always had just the right amount of stubble.
His mouth was relaxed and his lips protruded out just a bit, so I leaned in very slowly and ran my mouth lightly over his. He didn't stir and I smiled at the thought of having my first kiss without fear of him laughing.
I don't know how long I stared at him, but the next thing I knew Jessica was yelling loudly in the room. I jumped and Edward groaned as he rolled over.
I looked at her angry face and held my finger up to tell her to be quiet.
"He is not supposed to be here," she whispered angrily.
I climbed down quietly from the bunk and motioned for her to follow me into the hallway.
"He needs sleep," I said forcefully.
"He has a bed," she threw back.
"Why in the hell are you always in the room?" I asked, suddenly curious.
Her face turned pale and she quickly mumbled, "It doesn't matter, he shouldn't be here."
"Look," I said hoping to appeal to her sympathy, "he has not so much as kissed me, he is trying to quit smoking and he isn't sleeping well. I'm only trying to help him."
"Why don't you go to his bunk?" she asked, and I began to wonder myself.
"I asked him to come here," I explained.
She stared uncomfortably at the door for a moment and then asked, "How do you spell his last name?"
"What?" I asked in confusion.
"Does it have an E or an O?"
"Why, are you turning him in?" I asked in anger.
Her eyes got watery and I was so confused. I reached out and touched her arm and she immediately pulled back and began touching various places on her body as she counted out loud.
"Jessica?" I said softly.
"I need to know what vowels he has in his name," she said hatefully.
I narrowed my eyes and asked, "Do you have OCD?"
Tears began spilling over her eyes and she look at me pleadingly, "Why won't you tell me?"
"It's spelled with an E," I confessed and watched as she instantly began to calm down.
"When Angela comes back he can't come to the room," she said forcefully. "There can be six, but not seven."
"Okay," I said to keep her calm. "And if you need to go in the room I understand, just don't wake him."
She nodded and opened the door quietly. I gave her some privacy and waited until she left before I went back in.
I climbed onto the bunk and snuggled up to his back. When my arm moved over his stomach he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. I moved tighter against him, lining up perfectly to his body and felt him begin to relax again.
I knew we were most likely in trouble for missing afternoon classes, but I didn't care. I learned a lot today, about Jessica, about Edward, and about myself. I didn't want to sleep again, afraid I would be up all night if I did, so I worked out musical arrangements in my head.
It was a good hour before Edward stirred. He stretched and I hugged him tightly as I said, "Good afternoon."
"Man, I feel like I partied all night," he said with a yawn.
"Do you want some Tylenol?" I asked.
"No, I'm good," he said still facing the wall.
"Turn around here and let me see you," I said as I loosened my grip.
"Um…I…can't, just yet," he laughed uncomfortably.
"Why?" I asked stupidly.
"I'm pretty aroused right now," he admitted and I felt humiliated.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked him.
He laughed loudly and said, "No, that is the opposite of what I want right now."
I held perfectly still and wasn't sure what to do. Edward thought he had offended me, or scared me, so he turned over to face me. "You okay?" he asked.
"I just feel stupid," I admitted.
"Why?"
I shrugged and wasn't about to admit my inhibitions when he was so open with me.
"Did I make you feel uncomfortable?" he asked.
"No, I just don't know what to do," I said softly.
"Do about what?" he asked.
I covered my eyes with my hands and begged, "Can we just drop this."
"No we can't," he said and pulled my hands away from my face. "Do you think I expect you to get me off?"
I felt my face turn red and I began biting on my lip. He sat up and looked at me, waiting for an answer. I finally decided to talk openly to him, like Esme suggested.
"My only experience with men was Phil, and it consisted of me hiding from him and fighting him, so I am not sure what to expect."
Edward's eyes looked very sad and he spoke softly, "Bella, I want you to trust me and know I wouldn't try to take advantage of you."
"This is already so much more than I ever thought I would be capable of, Edward, and it is because it is you. I'm learning to trust you," I said truthfully.
"I want you to understand I am physically attracted to you because of the feelings I have. You do get me excited and I don't want to feel like I am upsetting you."
"Sometimes I feel like you worry about it more than me. Like you are afraid I will suddenly freak out or something," I said.
"I guess I worry about that happening. I want to make sure you are ready and you don't lump me in with Phil."
I looked at him and felt tears form. He was so sweet and I couldn't imagine ever thinking of him like Phil, but the truth was I wouldn't know how I would react until it happened. The possibility scared me to the point of holding back.
"I don't think I could ever lump you in with Phil. He assaulted me. I just don't know if I can handle the emotions of loving someone on top of all the other stuff I am dealing with," I said honestly.
"Do you ever think about me, you know, like someone you could love?" he asked nervously.
"When you were asleep, I kissed you," I said softly and watched his smile grow.
"Why did you wait until I was asleep?" he asked tenderly.
"It was easier," I admitted.
He moved back to a prone position and kept his head turned to me. "Do it again, I promise I won't move at all."
I turned onto my side and looked down at him. He looked so gentle and his eyes watched my mouth closely. I leaned over his face, he shut his eyes and I noticed how he was shaking. I moved in slowly and just barely touched my mouth to his. He sucked in a breath and his hands flinched, but he kept them on his chest.
I did it a couple of more times and had to force myself to move away from him. My body felt like it was on fire and I wanted to feel his body against mine so desperately. I brought my fingers to my mouth and ran them over my lips as Edward opened his eyes to watch me.
I slowly put my fingers to his mouth and he parted his lips and licked my fingertips lightly. I was actually aching from the need I was feeling. My body didn't shut down and want to flee, it came alive and called for him. I began moving my mouth towards him and planned to kiss him passionately when the door flew open.
"You two are in so much trouble," Rosalie warned.
We sat with our heads down as Carlisle and Esme stood behind the desk with the center director. I knew Edward was pretending to be remorseful, just as I was. I thought any punishment was worth the strides we were able to make today. We had kissed, kind of, and it was wonderful.
"You understand there will be consequences," the director yelled at us.
We both nodded and Esme interjected. "Bella has had some major upsets with her roommate. I'm afraid she was not thinking correctly."
"She was having a panic attack and I was afraid to leave her alone," Edward said sadly.
It made me mad, why did I have to be the weak one? So I spoke up. "Edward is going through withdrawals and I was afraid I would end up with another Angela on my hands."
He glanced at me and I saw his jaw tighten. "Bella is prone to hysterics and I needed to stay there," he offered.
"Edward is an addict and I didn't know what his mindset was," I quickly added.
He lifted his head and turned to glare at me. I did the same and crossed my arms for effect.
"It was your idea," he said with clinched teeth.
"You jumped at it and almost sprinted to the dorms," I said openly.
"You kissed me when I was asleep," he said in a loud voice.
"You woke up with an erection," I countered.
"Everybody wakes up with an erection," he screamed.
"Good to know," I screamed back at him.
We suddenly realized we were being watched and we both froze and let our eyes moved to the peripheral to see the three adults staring at us. Emse was trying not to laugh, Carlisle didn't even try, and the director looked absolutely stunned.
"You can both forget about attending the dance," the director said angrily.
We both nodded and hoped that would be the extent of our punishment. Esme promised to make sure we both made up our missed classes and Carlisle asked us both to follow him for a session together.
We followed him to his office and sat quietly in mortification.
"I think we need to explore the dynamics of your relationship," Carlisle said.
We didn't respond.
"You both obviously have feelings for each other and we need to know if they are within healthy parameters," he continued.
Not of peep from either of us.
"Edward you feel very protective of your mother and Bella you have fear of men," he began.
Nothing.
"Come on you two, help me out here," he begged.
"I don't have fear of men," I corrected. "I have fear of one man."
"And I don't have a mommy complex, if that is what you are getting at," Edward said snidely.
"Are you two sharing?" Carlisle asked.
"Sharing what?" I asked.
"Feelings, memories, experiences…"
"Yeah, we're sharing," I said softly.
"Yeah, it's like pulling teeth," Edward mumbled.
"I spilled my guts to you," I yelled.
"No you didn't, you give me a peek and then pull away," he said angrily.
"A peek, I told you how I feel about you," I said appalled.
"You did not, you told me you kissed me in my sleep and I asked you to do it again. That is not a confession."
"Fine, I like you Edward, I want you to be mine. I think you're gorgeous; I dream about you and think about you constantly. Is that better?" I said as I began to cry.
He smiled and looked at Carlisle and shrugged. "Yeah, that is a lot better," he laughed and then put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. "Was that so tough?" he asked.
"I hate you," I mumbled with a small smile.
"No, too late, you can't take it back," he laughed.
"Edward, it is not your job to protect Bella, do you understand that?" Carlisle asked.
I saw a look of confusion move into Edward's eyes but he nodded like he understood.
"Bella, Edward likes you, he does not want to victimize you, is that clear?"
"Of course," I answered.
"Now I want you both to spend the evening reading the rule book. I want you to understand it backwards and forwards."
We both nodded and stood to leave.
"Bella, I need you to remain," Carlisle said to make me begin to worry. Edward gave me a long look and slowly walked from the room.
I sat back down and waited for the discussion I feared was coming.
"Bella, have you considered pressing charges?" he asked pointedly.
"No, he can't do anything," I said in a panic.
"It would be justice for you," he said calmly.
"I got my vengeance," I said.
"He shouldn't be able to continue on without proper punishment. Are you afraid to face him in court?" Carlisle asked.
"He can't just continue on," I pointed out.
"What if medical science makes it possible for him to have reconstructive surgery, wouldn't you want him to have a record because of what he put you through?"
I was shaking and I stood up to get a full breath. "Everyone would know, it would be in the papers and in court records. I don't want to repeat anything. I took care of it, he won't hurt anyone again."
"Okay, sweetheart," he said and smiled at me. "Are you taking your anxiety medicine?"
I nodded and he stood to walk me to the door. I walked outside and saw Edward sitting, waiting for me.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Fine," I said, feeling like a child.
"I want to ask you something," he said nervously.
"I don't want to talk about it," I screamed loudly.
His eyes widened and he stopped walking beside me. I stopped and began rubbing my forehead.
"I wanted to know if I can introduce you to my mother tomorrow," he said softly.
I broke into tears and didn't turn around. I let my head drop and took a deep breath, "Why would you want her to meet me?"
"Are you kidding me?" he asked angrily.
I turned to look at his angry expression and his eyes instantly softened when he saw my face. "This is a school of freaks; you don't want anyone from here, Edward."
"You think I'm a freak?" he asked sadly.
"No, you're not, but I am," I said as I turned and headed to my room.
He didn't follow right away, but showed up just as we were all going to bed. He knocked on the door and when Alice opened it Jessica turned to me in a huff.
"Angela isn't here and I told you how to spell his name, so unclench," I said in anger.
I walked into the hallway and stood across from Edward. He stared at me and finally spoke. "You really hurt me, Bella. I thought we were past all this shit."
"I talked to Carlisle about….him," I explained.
"I'm not him, and I don't want you treating me like I am," he said forcefully.
I felt my emotions getting out of control and I began breathing heavily. I looked at the floor and it angered him. "Look at me when I talk to you," he said.
"Don't act like I have to obey you," I said with less force than I wanted.
"I want to know what you talked about with Carlisle," he demanded.
"No," I said with finality.
"Goodbye, Bella," he said and walked away.
I went back to my bunk and pretended to fall asleep, but I really cried my heart out. He was moving too fast for me and I didn't know how to ask him to slow down. I needed him to let me move at my own pace, but he needed more.
I tried for over two hours to get some sleep and finally got up and headed outside to smoke a cigarette. I knew it wasn't fair to Rosalie, but this was too much stress to handle without a bit of help.
I sat on the table under the pavilion and pulled my legs up tight to keep warm. I jumped when I heard footsteps and spun around to see Edward walking toward me, smoking.
He stood against a pillar and narrowed his eyes as he blew smoke towards me. "I guess we're weaker than we thought," he said softly.
I nodded. "I couldn't sleep," I explained.
"Me either," he added. "Are you excited to see your dad?"
"Yeah, but that isn't what kept me awake," I admitted.
"I would ask you what it was, but you wouldn't tell me," he said sadly.
I let my head fall between my outstretched arms and sighed loudly. When I lifted my head I had to wipe the tears away and noticed he had moved to sit across from me. I looked at him without blinking and finally caved.
"Carlisle wants me to press charges."
"Why wouldn't you?" he asked,
"A trial, a jury, newspapers, I can't tell strangers what happened."
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Bella," he said softly.
"I handled it myself," I said once again.
"You only handled half of it," he said painfully.
"What do you mean?" I said as my mouth went dry.
"When someone is a predator it doesn't start and stop with his junk, it's in his head, too. He'll do it again."
"I should have killed him," I whispered.
"No, you're a good person," he said staring right at me.
"I want it to just go away, I want to forget it all," I cried.
"It's never going away, it is a part of you now," he said and I began to cry harder. He got up and came over to put his arms around me. "And it doesn't matter one bit, because people still love you."
"Edward, what if I'm ruined, what if I can't separate it from…"
"From me?" he asked.
I looked at him and bit my lip as I pleaded, begged with my eyes, for him to assure me I wasn't ruined. He decided to share something from his life. "I had a friend from Naperville who invited me to a party one weekend. I got so drunk, and I was with this girl. I don't remember any of it," he said in shame.
"I tried to…he was too strong," I whispered as tears fell down my face.
"Bella, love, you are not ruined. You are a survivor, and that is incredible, you are incredible," he said into my hair.
"Edward," I said in just a sigh, "please kiss me."
He put his finger under my chin to hold me steady and softly put his lips to mine. I inhaled shakily and he pulled back for a second. I closed my eyes and he moved forward to put his mouth to mine again, with more pressure this time.
I concentrated on him, on the pressure he used, on the smell of his cigarette on his breath, and how he ran his fingers gently through my hair. I automatically moved closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me, putting one hand on the back of my head and running his tongue across my lips.
I sighed loudly as I let his tongue move against mine and my hand wandered to his cheek. I felt the course stubble on his jaw and gasped loudly as I pushed him away.
I closed my eyes and pulled into a ball. "No, I'll tell, I'll kill you," I screamed.
"Bella, I'm sorry, I went too far," he said in fear.
I looked up and grabbed him to me, holding on tightly, "I want him dead, Edward. I should have killed him," I said into his shirt.
"He deserves to die for what he did," he said with his own rage. "I'm going to kill him."
I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, and when I pulled back to clarify I heard Rosalie call my name. "Bella are you smoking?" she asked me in anger.
I looked at her in shock and couldn't concentrate on what I had been doing or saying. I backed away from Edward and turned to run back to my room.
6
I woke up so tired and couldn't even get excited about seeing my dad. I felt heavy, like my body took too much energy to make it move. I got out of bed only after Alice insisted and picked out clothes for me to put on after my shower.
"Here," she said, "this will be perfect with your skin tone." She handed me a lipstick she had hidden under her pillow.
"Where did you get this?" I asked her.
She winked at me and I knew she had stolen it. Nobody was getting fixed and I was so frustrated. I needed to know it was at least possible for someone to get better. I took the container of lipstick and threw it across the room. Alice jumped and her usually happy face looked so ashamed.
"We're all freaks," I screamed and ran from the room.
I headed to the session room where we were all going to meet. I opened the door to see Emmett laughing and talking loudly with his coach. A young girl was sitting properly in a chair and she looked identical to Rosalie.
I felt my heart pounding like a hammer, Emmett's voice was echoing around me and the girl sat there, perfectly. I turned to run out and ran into my father's chest.
"Bells, are you okay?" he said with concern.
I clung to him and sobbed. He assumed they were tears of joy at seeing him, and I didn't correct him. We moved to the back of the room and spoke softly in the corner.
"How are you doing, are you getting help," he asked.
"I'm good, Dad," I said to reassure him. "I've made some good friends."
"I talked to the school in Forks and they said since you will already be eighteen by next Christmas you can just get your GED and go on to college."
"I'll think about it," I smiled.
"I talked to your mom," he said hesitantly.
"Is she okay?"
"She pretends to be, she finds it easier to ignore the truth," he said in disgust.
"Is he…still…."
"Yeah, he has more surgeries lined up. Did they talk to you about…um…pressing charges?"
"You put them up to that?" I asked in shock.
"Okay everyone, please take a seat," Carlisle asked.
My eyes locked on Edward's and I looked at the woman standing next to him. She was so beautiful, tall and thin with copper hair and green eyes. She held onto him like he was her world, but his eyes were so sad. My hand rose as if to touch the ache he had consuming him.
I followed the crowd and sat in a chair next to my father. Carlisle and Esme stood in front of us and smiled cheerfully.
"We want to welcome you all here. I'm very proud of the students I get to work with and think they are making remarkable progress. You have all been chosen as people of support. I would like to go around the circle and have you say something about the person you are here to visit."
"Coach, can we start with you?"
"I think Emmett is a winner, on and off the field," he said with a pat to Emmett's back.
"Peter."
"I have known Jasper for many years, he is the type of friend anyone would want to have."
"Lucy."
"Rosalie is not only my sister but my role model."
"Mrs. Brandon."
"Alice is my best friend, we do everything together."
"Mrs. Masen."
"Edward is my son, and I will always know him."
"Mr. Swan."
"I think Bella is very brave, more so than she knows."
"That's the truth," Edward mumbled and Charlie turned to look at him.
I looked around the circle and wanted to yell, this isn't support; this is why we are so messed up.
I looked at Emmett's coach; he was killing him just so he could win. He had to know what was going on, look at Emmett's size, he would have to know. And Peter, he has no idea who Jasper is, because Jasper doesn't even know. "
Lucy was in as much trouble as Rosalie, she would watch her hair fall out and her teeth rot just to be thin. Alice didn't need a friend, she needed a mother.
I was almost hysterical as I turned to look at Edward. He wouldn't be able to fix it, he can't make his mother well, and he can't put me back together by hurting people who hurt us."
I faced my father and realized why he wanted me to press charges, but I felt shame. I had set Phil on fire just to make him feel the shame I had felt, it wasn't justice.
I could no longer remain sitting there and jumped up and headed out the door. Someone came running after me and I expected it to be my father, but it was Jasper. He caught my arm and pulled me around to look at him.
"Don't run from it, Bella. It hurts before it gets better, think of it like pulling off a Band-Aid."
"Nobody is getting better, Jasper. We are still just as screwed up as the day we walk through the doors," I cried.
"You're wrong, you can't stand back and see the progress, but others can," he assured me.
"Rose is still throwing up, and Alice is still stealing things," I said in my defense.
"Yeah, they are working on it. It used to happen every day, now it is once in awhile. That is pretty good, don't you think?"
"What about me?" I asked quietly.
"You're talking to me, aren't you? That is progress," he chuckled.
I took a deep breath and looked at him with a smile, "Are you conning me?"
"I don't do that anymore," he laughed and reached out for my hand.
I let him bring me back into the room and saw how Edward relaxed a bit. I sat next to my dad and he put his arm around me. We were told to take our parents on a tour and meet together for lunch.
I brought my father to the room and showed him my bunk and then took him to the music room. I was playing around on the guitar, not playing anything specific when Edward and his mother walked in.
"Oh, we'll get out of your way," I said uncomfortably.
"No, I would like it if you played something with me, my mother would like it," he corrected.
"Yes, I would love to hear you play," she offered.
I nodded as I smiled and then looked at Edward for direction. He began playing an old Sinatra song and I joined in, leaving the vocals out. He looked over at me and mouthed, "Sing."
I shook my head and then heard his mother begin to sing softly. I harmonized with her and she lit up with joy. She had a beautiful voice and I smiled at her as we sang.
When the song ended Edward wiped tears from his eyes as Charlie looked on nervously. I'm sure he thought we expected him to join in, but Edward began playing lullaby's for his mother. I watched them interact and her love for him was so obvious. She must have been a wonderful mother to have such devotion from her son.
She stood and asked Edward where the ladies room was. I stood and offered to go with her. Edward smiled at me with relief and I held my hand out for Elizabeth's. I escorted her down the hall and she pulled me close, "You like Edward, don't you."
"Edward's a great guy," I answered honestly.
"He worries too much," she said with a furrowed brow, "especially about me."
"He loves you," I assured her.
"He needs to find his own love and know I will be fine. I love his father, I wish they could get along," she sighed.
I wasn't sure what to say and only nodded. She looked at me sideways and asked, "Did he tell you about the fight?"
"A little," I mumbled.
"He thinks I don't know the reason, but I do. I don't want them to ever fight over me," she said with a tight jaw. "Edward always wants to do the right thing, but some things he just can't understand yet."
"Sometimes he scares me," I admitted to her and quickly added, "not that I think he would hurt me, I'm afraid he sees into my heart, you know?"
She smiled and gave me a courtesy hug. "Your heart would be very safe with Edward," she said as she walked into a stall.
I thought about her words. I spent so much effort pushing Edward away and maybe I should make the same effort at letting him close. He wasn't Phil, I knew that. I also saw how tenderly he treated his mother.
We walked back to the music room and Charlie was talking sports with Edward. I laughed and said, "He hates sports dad."
"Maybe I misspoke a little to get you into music class with me," Edward laughed.
"Maybe you just lied," I emphasized.
"I spoke the truth when I said you sing better than you run," he threw at me making my father laugh in agreement.
We all made our way together to the cafeteria and I noticed how Edward kept looking at me, maybe because I kept looking at him. When he pulled my chair out for me I purposely put my hand over his as I moved in front of the chair. I sat and he ran his finger across my neck as he moved to the next chair.
Carlisle was at the head of the table and as we all turned to listen to him speak Edward placed his hand on my thigh under the table. I felt chills run through me and I pulled my hand under the table and interlocked my fingers with his.
It felt so intimate and private, right in the middle of a big group. As we all ate Jasper went to work, charming Mrs. Brandon to the point Alice was beginning to get mad. Emmett had Lucy wrapped around his huge finger as Rosalie stared at him with total adoration.
Everyone would think Edward and I couldn't stand each other by the way we only spoke to the person next to us and never turned to speak to each other. But they couldn't see the way our legs were intertwined and how Edward would run his hand up my thigh until I was almost panting. It was the longest lunch of my life.
After lunch we had sessions with either Carlisle or Esme and our guest. I could tell my father was very nervous and expected his head to actually shrink.
I knew the subject which would be foremost on everyone's mind, so I brought it up myself. "I will give it some thought to prosecute Phil. I can't give an answer right now, but I will honestly think about it."
Charlie looked at Esme and asked about other visitors, I quickly interrupted, "I don't want to see mom right yet."
"Oh, no, um…Jake wants to visit," he said a bit embarrassed.
I could feel my face turn red and hoped Esme didn't bring up the subject of Edward. She only smiled politely and told my father that wouldn't be possible at this stage of treatment, I was so relieved.
We discussed my plans to come to Forks for Thanksgiving and Charlie said he would tell Jake he could visit me then. I wanted to groan, but I held it in. The last subject Esme brought up was a low blow, "Are you aware, Charlie, that Bella smokes?"
He turned to glare at me and said, "I thought you stopped taking my cigarettes."
"I did, I just got my own," I added.
"It is an awful habit," he said harshly.
"Yeah, I know, I'm trying to quit, are you? I said angrily at him.
He decided to drop the whole subject and I was glad. When it came time for him to leave I hugged him tightly and hoped I could feel like I had changed in some way the next time I saw him.
I walked back to the dorm and saw Edward standing outside the door with a huge smile on his face.
"What?" I asked.
"You have a surprise," he smiled and began to walk away.
"Are you going to tell me what it is?" I asked, wondering why he would walk away.
"No, go see," he smiled and continued walking.
I watched him for a bit and headed into my dorm. I opened my room door to see Angela sitting on her bunk. I screamed for joy and ran to leap onto her bed as she ducked for cover.
"How are you, is everything good?' I asked.
She smiled shyly and wiped the tears from her eyes as she thanked me for saving her. I wanted to give her space, but I felt she owed me an explanation, since she bled all over my clothes.
"What made you do it, Angela?"
"I didn't plan it, I was only going to take some of the pressure off, but once I started I couldn't stop. I'm an awful person," she admitted.
"I'm convinced nobody in the world is a decent person," I said.
"My dad is a minister," she said as if confessing something horrible.
"Mine's a policeman," I laughed.
"I just can't live up to his expectations," she said softly.
"Ministers are not perfect, Ang. Every parent wants perfect kids and every parent gets disappointed. You need to lighten up on yourself," I said, pretending to be full of wisdom. She smiled and hugged me tightly.
"What is new with you?" she asked.
"I've been fighting with Jessica," I teased.
"I hope you've been winning," she laughed.
"I kissed Edward," I admitted. Her eyes grew wide and she leaned in closer to me to hear the scoop. "It didn't go well, I mean the kiss was great, but I kind of freaked out a bit."
"Why?"
"I'm just stupid," I said sadly.
"What did he say?" she asked.
"He was great about it, the stupid jerk," I laughed.
She tensed a little and gave me a really funny look and then asked, "Do you like him?"
"I'm crazy about him, I think I might be in love with him," I said as I shook my head.
"Does he know?" she pressed.
"I don't know, I have no idea how to tell him," I admitted.
She smiled widely and nodded toward the door, "I think you just did."
I spun around to see Edward standing in the doorway smiling at me. I instantly turned red and looked at the floor as I said, "You can't be here, Jessica can't handle seven."
"Seven what?" he asked and me and Angela laughed.
I climbed off the bunk and walked over to where he was standing. He nodded with his head toward the outside and I followed him out the door and down the walkway. I tried to stay a step behind him so he couldn't see how nervous I was.
He walked purposefully and I wasn't sure what he was up to. He finally stopped at the far end of campus and turned to face me. "Bella, thank you for being so kind to my mom, it meant a lot to me."
"Yeah, sure, she's really nice," I said trying not to look at his eyes.
He took a step closer to me and laughed, "So, you're crazy about me?"
I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms so he couldn't see them shaking. "Everyone here is crazy, don't get a big head," I tried to sound unimpressed.
He didn't respond and I finally looked at him. He was grinning and had his own arms crossed in front of himself. I reached out to smack his arm and he quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him. I stared at the button on his shirt until he finally said softly, "Hey."
My eyes slowly looked up at him and he leaned down to be level with me. "Tell me," he said sweetly.
"Tell you what?" I said with a pounding heart.
"Tell me how you feel about me."
"You already know," I said and went back to staring at the button.
"You've said it only in jest, tell me seriously how you feel," he pushed.
"I like you, Edward, more than I should," I confessed.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean this is so temporary, we are all here for only one year and then we go back to reality. You will be invited to parties in Naperville and I will be stuck with Jake's forced attention. "
His back tensed and he inhaled deeply before he spoke. "Why are you even thinking about stuff so far away? Can't you just enjoy being with me, getting to know me."
"Maybe it is having to be the grown up for so long. It is hard for me to look at the short term," I admitted, sad that he only thought of the short term.
"I am not planning on using you for the year and then moving on, and I don't like you bringing up the girl in Naperville, I don't throw Phil in your face."
I chuckled incredulously and looked at him in anger, "It is not the same thing and you know it."
"I didn't mean to imply it was, it is a humiliating experience I shared with you and I don't …."
"I'm sorry," I quickly added.
He nodded and I could feel him shutting down so I threw my arms around his neck and said again, "I'm sorry."
His arms tightened and he put his head in my neck and sighed painfully.
"Dude," Emmett yelled. "Carlisle is looking for you."
"Why?" Edward asked.
"I don't know, he just asked me to find you."
"Can we talk later?" Edward asked me and I nodded. He gave me a squeeze and walked away. Emmett remained and walked over to give me a pretend punch.
"Let me see your skills," he said and took a defensive stance.
I let my mouth fall open and tried to produce some tears, causing him to instantly put his hands down and gasp with shame.
"Works every time," I laughed and turned to walk away.
"You are evil, Bella," he laughed loudly and quickly caught up with me.
I asked him about Rosalie, "Do you think this thing you guys have going will last?"
"I'm not letting her go," he said with conviction.
"Are you moving to New York?"
He looked at me and I noticed how his jaw set and his neck muscles flexed. "I can't have her right now, but later, when we're older, she will be mine."
I wondered if that would be possible, to love someone enough to be together years later. I believed once we all got healthy we would move on with our lives, but I didn't tell Emmett that.
I walked with Angela to the cafeteria for dinner and looked around for Edward. I figured he must still be with Carlisle and went ahead and ate. When I showed up to group for the evening Esme was there, but Carlisle and Edward were not.
Jasper walked in with a stunned look on his face and looked at me and then Esme with a worried gaze. She nodded in understanding and I began to feel very nervous. "Where's Edward?" I asked Jasper.
"Bella, let me get group started and we'll talk," Esme said.
I felt panic building in my chest and looked at Jasper with total desperation. "Is Edward okay?" I asked him loudly.
He didn't respond and looked at Esme again. I jumped from my chair and ran from the room. I headed right to his dorm room, not exactly sure which one was his. I ran down the hallway yelling his name and ran into Mike Newton.
"Where's Edward?" I asked.
"They took him away," he shrugged.
"Away, where?"
"I don't know, he tore his room apart and they came and took him away."
I backed away from him as I felt the hallway closing in on me and ran back to the therapy room. Esme had finished with her instructions and motioned for me to follow her into the office. I was panting from running and from the fear building inside of me.
"Honey, Edward got some bad new and Carlisle is trying to help him deal with it," she said in sorrow.
"Where is he?" I demanded.
"He is at our home with Carlisle," she told me.
"Can I go see him?" I asked.
"No, dear, let Carlisle handle this."
"What bad news did he get?"
"I can't share that Bella. Edward will have to choose to tell you or not."
"Why did he destroy his room?" I asked in confusion.
"Edward gets angry and just reacts. He needs to learn better coping skills," she said, sounding like a therapist.
I couldn't concentrate on anything, and I was so worried at what could have possibly made Edward so upset he would have to be taken from the school. I decided to go the Dr. Cullen's house and find out for myself. I climbed the school fence and ran down the road to a filling station. I used the pay phone to call a cab and ripped the map out of the phone book to show the driver where I needed to go.
I arrived just as it was getting dark. I could see Dr. Cullen's car in the driveway and I moved quietly around to the back of the house and onto the deck. I saw Carlisle on the phone and Edward sitting in a chair with his back to me.
They spoke for a moment and Carlisle picked up his keys and left the house. I waited for a few moments to see what Edward would do, but he never moved. I finally knocked softly to get his attention. He walked to the door and opened it with red swollen eyes. He grabbed onto me tightly and began to cry with a depth that terrified me.
I tried to pull back and look at him but he continued to cling to me. I finally held him tightly and rocked us back and forth as his loud sobs ripped from his chest. I soon joined him with my own tears and cried just as desperately.
It was almost ten minutes later when I finally asked him to talk to me. "Please tell me why you are here, I am so scared, Edward."
He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt and walked back to the chair in the living room. I was going to sit on the couch, but he pulled me onto his lap, and laid his face on my chest.
"Are you going home?" I asked him, fearing he would say yes.
"She's dying," he said in a monotone whisper.
"Who?"
"My mom, she has a brain tumor," he said as tears fell from his eyes again.
It had only been a few hours since I saw her singing and laughing with her son, what could have changed in such a short time?
"She told Carlisle to tell me after she left, she couldn't do it," he said, the pain evident in his voice.
I didn't know what to say and I had so many questions running around in my own head. He finally took a deep breath and began talking.
"I knew something had changed her from the woman she used to be, I thought it was my father's treatment of her."
"Does your father know?" I asked.
"I just spoke to her, she said he knows and she wants us to make peace before she passes."
I couldn't stand the thought of Edward leaving, even though it was for the best. I selfishly wanted him to stay with me.
He looked up at me and said, "I can't face him, Bella. I can't look at him and know everything he has done and make peace with him."
"Can you pretend, for your mother?" I asked.
"Could you pretend, for your mother?" he threw back at me.
I tensed and he let his hands drop from my waist. "If I see him, I will lose it," he said adamantly.
I knew at that moment rage was an issue for Edward, more than I had realized before. He couldn't control his anger and that realization made me nervous. He finally looked into my eyes and asked me why I was there.
"I was worried when I heard you left the school…after you tore up your room," I said as I looked away.
"I can't lock my emotions up like you do," he said with anger.
I got off of his lap and moved to the couch without him attempting to stop me.
"At least I don't freak out," I mumbled.
He stared at me with mad eyes and I noticed the blood on his knuckles. "Do you need to have your hand looked at?"
"Don't worry about it," he answered.
"Do you want me to leave?" I finally asked.
"No Bella, I want you to stop being so damn afraid of me," he yelled.
"I came here to comfort you," I said.
"Well, sitting over there isn't very comforting," he said staring directly into my eyes.
I began biting on my lip nervously and I wanted to cry. I heard him exhale in frustration and when I looked at him his eyes were closed and his hands were drawn into fists.
"Tell me what to do, Edward," I said with tears. "Tell me how to comfort you."
"Forget it," he said.
I moved onto my knees and crawled over to him, scooting between his legs. "Edward, I'm not…I mean I don't know how to...I feel awkward," I finally settled with.
"I'm hurting, Bella. I need you to be here for me. I can't worry about your flashbacks right now, so just go."
I knew he was feeling raw and emotional and his words were cutting me like a knife. I wanted to reach out and pull him into my arms, offering him anything that would make him feel better. But I didn't have to faintest idea what he would want.
I stood and looked into his sad eyes and my heart was breaking. I knew it was a mistake to come here and I knew I should walk out the door this very moment. But I also knew I would lose him if I left, so I remained.
I held out my hand for him and watched him slowly reach out and take it. I pulled him from the chair and brought his hand around my waist, his other arm followed.
"I'll be here for you, tell me what you need."
He looked at me for half a second before descending on my mouth with a fury. He pulled me so tightly to him I could feel his entire body on the length of mine. His mouth moved against mine with so much force our teeth clinked together. He was breathing loudly and moving his hands over my entire body.
I tried so hard to stay in the moment with him, but darkness came for me. Only a sliver of light was shining from under my bedroom door as a large body moved slowly toward me in the dark. I didn't scream, I never screamed. I waited for him to come closer and then I would kick and flail with all my might.
But this time I didn't fight. This time I knew I would make him pay, so I waited for him to crawl into my bed. I could hear him screaming as the flames spread quickly from the lighter fluid I had sprayed onto his naked lower body.
I could feel the tears running down my face as Edward continued to paw me, touching me in a way that was not soothing, or comforting, but wanting and needing.
His hand held my head tightly in his grasp as he begged into my ear, "Take the pain away for me, Bella, and make me feel good."
His other hand ran up my shirt and under my bra and I bit down hard to stop from screaming. He was panting and pushing me down onto the floor and I let my body fall freely. I stared up at the ceiling, noticing the swirls in the plaster above me. They moved around with no pattern, just as his hand was.
The tears began to fall down the side of my cheeks and into my ears as he pulled on the fabric of my shirt. He mumbled something over and over again into my neck, finally making his way to my ear.
"I love you, I love you," he was saying.
I could only think of one thing to say, "I want to die."