English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

Grass on My Side

PHASE-02: Deep Down

Kira had been wondering, What makes you a good dancer? It was after he had come to PLANT with Lacus that he had learned how to dance properly. Although he had had some experience dancing in parties hosted by his schools or schoolmates, dancing in formal events was different. In those parties, all you had to do was move your body as you liked. The purpose was to have fun. Even if your dancing was weird, you could just laugh it off with your friends.

But in formal events, where you danced with very important people who might hate you, laughing off your mistakes wasn't always an option. You had to know proper techniques, and that wasn't all. That wasn't the hardest part. You also had to be flexible and creative, adjusting to your current partner. Then, you could be a good dancer. That was what he had been told. But exactly how can I do it? was the question he had not yet received a satisfying answer for.

Athrun said, "You just need to practice hard. It's not really different from playing sports or piloting mobile suits. Practice makes perfect."

Cagalli said, "All you need is confidence. Don't worry too much about how you look. Screw those who laugh at your dance skill. Just ignore them. Or kick their asses. Scratch that. Stamp their feet pretending you just tripped."

Lacus said, "Probably you need to relax more. Try to enjoy dancing. It is the most important thing. If you enjoy doing it, you will be good at it."

He had taken all those advices, and they had worked to some extent. His dance skill had improved. But he still couldn't say he was a good dancer. It seemed like he simply didn't have what it took to be one.

Even Cagalli, who declared to dislike dancing, could dance better than he did. The first time he had seen her dance, he had been surprised. He had never expected her to dance well. In fact, he had expected her to be as bad as he was, considering her dislike of dancing. He had felt a little cheated and asked her about it. She had replied, with a scowl, that she had had to take dance lessons since childhood.

So was it like Athrun said? The only difference between Kira and his sister was how much time they had spent dancing? If he kept practicing, would he be at least as good a dancer as she was?

But he didn't really believe it. Although he had been practicing for years, his dance skill didn't seem to improve any further.

Just now, he stumbled a little because he confused the steps while avoiding a couple who passed them spinning around. He nearly stepped on Cagalli's gown.

She giggled. He heaved a dramatic sigh, saying humorously, "How I envy your dance skill." He expected a playful reply, but she unexpectedly fell silent.

"Cagalli?"

She looked past his shoulder for a bit, as if searching for words. "It's funny you said that." He leaned his head toward her, trying to read her expression. Not really sad, but rather wistful. "While I was watching you dancing...I was thinking how I envy you sometimes. You and Lacus."

He stared at her with mild surprise, and she hastily continued, "It's just you look so...perfect. I mean, everyone has to admit you are a perfect match. You are the dream couple. Something everyone wants to be. Everyone wants to have a relationship like yours. ...No one can say you aren't good for each other."

He was speechless. Not exactly because of what she had said. He could understand why she was feeling like that and normally would have comforted her. But he was distracted by what her words had brought to his mind, what had been troubling him for months.

She sighed before looking at him apologetically. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Sorry." She shook her head. "I'm in a strange mood today. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought."

After a few seconds of silence, he softly said, "No one or no relationship's perfect. Everyone has some problem." He slightly hesitated, feeling a little bad since she was clearly bothered by her own problem. But it seemed like a good opportunity and he couldn't wait for another chance. Not when it was about Lacus. Plus, Cagalli didn't appear to be really upset right now.

So he continued after apologizing to his sister inwardly, "Me and Lacus may look perfect, but it doesn't mean we don't have any. We..." He trailed off as his eyes that had been wandering fell on a platinum-haired man.

Cagalli followed his gaze and looked back at him, confused. "Yzak? What does he have to do with your and Lacus's relationship?" She added jokingly, "Wait. Don't tell me she fell in love with him?"

Knowing she was trying to lighten the mood, he forced a small smile but didn't reply.

She frowned. "Kira?"

"I...I think you should talk to Lacus. ...No. Actually, I want you to talk to her."

Her frown deepened and her eyes looked into his questioningly. He averted his eyes. He didn't know what more to say.

He had noticed Lacus was stealing glances at Shiho, Yzak's wife, a pregnant woman. He knew what Lacus had been thinking about, why she had been watching the brunette. Seeing her wistful eyes had made him feel sad and guilty.

He knew he had been making Lacus suffer. He had been refusing to give her what she wanted so much. He didn't want to. He wished from the bottom of his heart that he could change his mind about it. He truly wanted to make her happy.

However, no matter how much he had tried, he had not been able to. He couldn't get over his anger, his hatred...and his fear. He couldn't let go of the past. He couldn't forget how he had been created. He couldn't forgive those who had created him, especially his biological father.

He kept silence until the song ended, and then led Cagalli out of the dance floor and turned to her.

"Will you tell Lacus and Athrun I'm going to get fresh air?" He kept his tone as normal as he could, though he knew she wasn't buying it at all.

"Kira..."

Confusion and worry were evident on her face, but he ignored them. "Please."

After observing him for a minute, his twin nodded silently. He gave her a soft, thankful smile before turning around. Walking to the nearest balcony, he felt her eyes on his back, but didn't look back.

Holding Athrun's arm, Lacus walked up to her amber-eyed friend standing alone and looking through the crowd with a concerned face.

"Cagalli." The blonde started at the sound of Lacus's voice, and jerked her face toward them.

"Ah... Hey."

Athrun frowned. "Cagalli? Are you all right?"

Cagalli looked from him to her, then back to him, and shrugged. "Yeah. I was just...thinking about something."

He didn't look convinced, but didn't pursue the matter further.

She glanced around and tilted her head. "Is Kira not with you?"

Cagalli hesitated before answering. "He went to get some fresh air."

She exchanged glances with Athrun, but neither asked any more questions. If Cagalli didn't want to talk about it right now or here, it was better to wait.

The three went to find an unoccupied table, and the two women seated themselves. After Athrun left to get drinks for them, Cagalli looked around as if making sure no one was overhearing them.

Then Cagalli asked, "Lacus? Um...is everything all right between you and Kira?"

She was taken aback by the unforeseen question and stared at the golden-haired woman.

Cagalli blushed a little and explained, "I was talking with Kira during the dance. He said something like you and he, like everyone else, have a problem and...he was looking at Yzak."

She held her breath for a second. She perfectly understood what he had meant, and now knew why he had gone somewhere.

"And he told—asked me to talk to you," Cagalli finished and looked at her expectantly.

She closed her eyes, collecting her thoughts and preparing herself for what she was going to tell Cagalli. It wasn't an easy thing to talk about or what she really wanted to talk about. But she knew she needed to. Not because Cagalli had asked, or Kira had indirectly encouraged her to, but for her own sake.

Opening her eyes, she looked into the concerned amber eyes. "He was talking about our problem over having children."

"Are you trying to make a baby?" Cagalli sounded surprised, but thrilled.

She dropped her gaze to her hands on the table, locking fingers together. "No, we are not. I want to—not right now, but after I resign. However...he does not."

Cagalli enlarged her eyes in disbelief. "But...why? I thought he liked kids? He is good with the kids at the orphanage."

She shook her head a little. "It is not that he does not want to have a child. He does not want to make a child." Cagalli frowned, still not able to understand. "He suggests adopting a child." Lacus let out a sigh. "It is not like I am against it. If we tried and could not make a baby, I would be more than happy to adopt a child.

"However..." She looked at Cagalli pleadingly, at those eyes that painfully reminded her of her husband's: different color, but same shape. Same honest eyes. "I would like to try to make our own baby first."

Cagalli nodded, indicating she understood Lacus's feelings. "But Kira doesn't agree? ...Do you know why?"

She swallowed hard, feeling her throat dry due to emotions this conversation had stirred up in her.

"He never said clearly, but I believe it has something to do with...Dr. Hibiki," she said quietly.

Cagalli looked dumbfounded. "You mean the...that Dr. Hibiki? Kira's and my bio—you know?" The amber-eyed woman avoided saying "biological father," whether because she was afraid someone might overhear it or because she simply didn't want to say it. Lacus couldn't tell. She had never talked about him with Cagalli. And she wasn't eager to find it out anyway.

She only nodded silently. Cagalli looked at her in confusion, but she shook her head. She wasn't in place to explain Kira's feelings, especially when he had never really explained them to her.

She sighed sadly, gazing at the crowd with wistful eyes. "I cannot help but envy other people...like Yzak-san and Shiho-san…"

"Because they can have their own kid?" Cagalli said softly. She simply looked back at her friend and nodded.

Cagalli's eyes were full of worry and compassion, and for a minute, she looked like she was about to stand up and embrace Lacus. But she didn't. Instead, she took Lacus's hand and squeezed it tightly, as if telling her that she would be here for her. Always.

Lacus felt her eyes sting, though she didn't and wasn't going to cry.

She was grateful that Cagalli had not attracted attention to them by openly embracing and comforting her. Attention was the last thing she wanted now. She was truly grateful that she had Cagalli as a friend, a sister. She needed what Cagalli was giving her right now.

She squeezed the blonde's hand back with gratitude and formed a soft, yet genuine smile. Cagalli looked a little relieved.

Taking a deep breath, she glanced around and her keen eyes fell on Athrun coming back with two glasses in his hands.

The sight of the emerald-eyed blunet brought to her mind a question she entertained once in a while: could she have had her own child had she married him as originally planned? She had wondered about it even before she had found out Kira's reluctance to have a biological child, mostly out of curiosity. It wasn't like she wanted to marry him. She knew how much he loved Cagalli; she loved Kira just as much. They had never been more than friends, even when they had still been engaged.

But Athrun was one of her best matches, if not the best, genetically speaking. She had the highest chance of having a child with him, higher than with Kira. And he would have agreed to make a child. It had been the whole point—well, maybe not the whole, since it was also a political match, but a major point—of their engagement, after all. To produce a child, which could be a very hard goal to accomplish for a Coordinator couple due to the low fertility potential of Coordinators.

She knew she wouldn't have faced her current problem had she married Athrun, or anyone who didn't mind having his own child. It didn't mean she regretted having married Kira. She never had and never would. She had never wanted anything more than she wanted him. She simply acknowledged the truth, which felt very heavy when she was despondent. The thought that she could never have her own child—

No, she instantly stopped her thoughts and corrected herself, not my child. It was their child. Kira's child. A child in whom a part of her and a part of him were mixed together. It was what she wanted, and what she couldn't have.

I should not confuse them, she told herself sternly. She still could have—or at least try to have—her own child if she wanted to. All she needed was a man who was a good genetic match for her and willing to father her child. It might not be easy, but not impossible. And she knew Kira wouldn't oppose it. He might be going to be even more eager than she was, considering his guilt for not giving her a chance to have her own child.

The problem was it wasn't exactly what she wanted. She actually had considered the option, but eventually decided against it. Even though she loved to have her own child, she had found that she didn't really want the father of her child to be anyone but her husband, even if it would be only the biological father and Kira would be the one raising the child with her.

Plus, she might be going to wish the child had been not only of her blood, but also of Kira's while seeing him or her. It wouldn't be good for anyone.

So it was she who had decided not to take the option, and thus had to take responsibility for it. She shouldn't shift the responsibility onto Kira.

She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily, composing herself, while Cagalli also noticed Athrun and turned her eyes to him. The pain of not being able to have their own child had been agitating her mind.

She wouldn't have been this depressed had they tried and failed. She would have been sad, yes, but accepted the reality with less difficulty. It was harder to accept the fact she could never have Kira's and her child when she couldn't even try. She knew he was trying hard, for her sake, to change his opinion on it, but to no avail. She knew he was hurting as much as she was.

And she didn't blame him for not wanting his own child. Although they had never discussed the matter in detail, she thought she understood his sentiments. She didn't agree with him and wouldn't have thought like that had she been him. But she still understood him. She understood him better than anyone, which she was proud of.

It wasn't Kira's fault that his biological father had used his own children for the experiment. It wasn't Kira's fault that he was the only success and the rest of the babies had died. And she couldn't blame him for disliking—perhaps even hating—Dr. Hibiki. He did because he was a compassionate, empathetic person. Because he cared about other people. Because he hated cruelty. Because he hated someone's, anyone's, pain and suffering.

She couldn't possibly blame him for being a gentle soul, being him. He opposed making their child because he was Kira, the boy she had fallen in love with, the man she loved with all her heart.

It was probably part of the reason why this was so hard. If she could blame him, she probably could feel better. She probably could have let it out, at least. But she couldn't, and didn't want to even if she could.

All she could do was bear this almost unbearable pain until it went away.

She suppressed a melancholic sigh as Athrun put one glass in front of Cagalli and another in front of her.

He said to her apologetically, "I forgot to ask you what you'd like, so I got the same one as Cagalli's. But if you'd like something else, I can get it for you."

She smiled reassuringly. "This is perfectly fine with me. Thank you, Athrun."

He nodded with a relieved smile before excusing himself again to get a drink for himself this time.

She eyed two glasses of lemonade curiously and turned her face to the amber-eyed woman. "Are you not drinking wine?" She remembered it was what Cagalli usually picked on formal occasions: not-so-strong white wines.

Cagalli answered, shipping from her glass, "I think I better avoid alcohol as much as possible. I'm rather too tired for it."

She nodded sympathetically, and softly smiled at the thought that Athrun had not asked Cagalli what she wanted, yet still picked the right one. He really knows her well. It was the same between Kira and her.

As she thought of her husband, her eyes wandered through the crowd in search of any sign of him. But he was nowhere in sight.

Outside in the cool air, Kira felt a little better though his chest was still heavy with guilt. He heaved a sigh and tousled his hair. He couldn't help thinking about what Lacus and Cagalli must be talking about. Why can't I just do it? The question he had asked himself million times rang in his mind. Why can't I just get over it? He didn't know why, like he didn't know why he couldn't be a good dancer.

I just can't do it. That was the only answer he had been able to get so far.

He had been able to get over the feeling that maybe he shouldn't have been born, which had tortured him during the First Bloody Valentine War and long after that. His family, friends, and especially Lacus had helped him, which he would be forever grateful for.

However, he still detested those who had created him. Those who had been possessed enough by the desire of creating a superior human being to sacrifice so many lives. So many innocent lives. Including the lives of his siblings.

Thinking that his biological father had been one of them made him feel disgusted to no end. How had he been able to do such a thing? To his own children, for crying out loud?!

He could never understand Dr. Ulen Hibiki. How he had been able to keep going, watching his children die again and again because of his experiment. Not that he wanted to...usually he didn't, at least. If truth be told, however, he had wondered a few times whether the situation would change if he could understand the man even a little bit and then somehow forgive him.

But he disliked the mad scientist too much, and understanding him seemed like nothing but a horrible idea. He didn't even want to admit that he was related to the man in any way, let alone by blood.

Yes, blood. His blood. The man's blood. It was in him. In his body. It was flowing through his body right this second.

As much as he hated to think about the fact, however, it wasn't the reason. Not really. Because he knew that if Cagalli, who had as much blood of the man as he did, ever had a child, he would love his nephew or niece with all his heart. His grudge against the man would never undermine his love for his sister and her children. It didn't matter that they were blood-related to the cold-hearted man.

Partly because Cagalli wasn't like Kira. She was innocent. Her existence wasn't tainted by blood. Her birth had not been haunted by deaths. She wasn't even genetically modified. She had been untouched by the hands of those scientists, of the monster who had fathered them.

She had not been born out of the hideous experiment. Of the ugly side of human nature. Her presence in this universe wasn't the reminder that humans could be so selfish, so blinded by the desire for a great achievement, the desire to accomplish something unprecedented, that they eagerly offered their own children as the price.

A part of him sometimes wondered if he would be like the man when he became a father. Would he sacrifice his children's lives to achieve his own goal? Like his biological father had? Like Athrun's father had?

But it wasn't the reason, either. He was as sure that he wouldn't do it as he was that Athrun wouldn't. He was sure he could be a good father, or at least would try really hard to be one and protect his children.

He was as sure that he could and would love his children as he was about Cagalli's children. As long as they weren't his flesh and blood.

He had no problem with becoming a father, having children, especially with Lacus. He was even eager to do it. However, he couldn't stand the idea of having his own child, a child related to him by blood. He didn't want his blood in his child. He felt like his blood was poisoned by those twisted desires and wrongdoings of the crazy man. How could he ever want such a filthy thing in his child? How could he ever expose an innocent child to such darkness?

But most importantly, he felt like by procreating, he would take part in the man's experiment he deeply despised. Like in a way, he would continue the experiment in the man's stead. Like he would help the egotist leave his mark on the universe permanently, let him have what he had wanted.

He didn't want that. He wanted to have as little to do with the experiment and the man as he could. If possible, he wanted to erase everything involved with them. Of course he couldn't erase himself, and he didn't want to. But he wanted to end their influence, their legacy, with his death once and for all.

He didn't like that something born as the result of the experiment would remain in this universe long after he died. Even if that something was his own child. He might be going to hate his own child for the sole reason.

Hating an innocent child who had done nothing wrong, let alone his own child. Is there anything more wrong than that? He felt ashamed of even considering the possibility. But he couldn't help it.

He often wondered whether he would have been this unwilling to make a child if Cagalli had been just like him. Would he have hated her child as well? He couldn't imagine himself doing it. He didn't think he could ever hate a child of his sister, and probably also of his best friend.

Nevertheless, he somehow could imagine himself hating his own child, a child of his wife, the woman he loved more than anything. He couldn't understand why. If anything, shouldn't it be the other way around? How could he be afraid of hating his own child when he wasn't about his niece or nephew? Why couldn't he be sure of loving his own child when he was so sure about his sister's child?

It didn't make sense at all, but it was exactly how he felt. No matter how incoherent it sounded, it was the honest truth.

Drawing a sigh, he gazed at the night sky with forlorn eyes. The darkness was filled with stars, which reminded him of the time he had been fighting among them. The time he had discovered the ugly truth surrounding his birth.

Maybe it was because, after all, he had not overcome the hatred for himself like he thought he had? Did he still harbor it somewhere deep in his mind? Was that why he was fine with his sister's child but not his own? Because he didn't love himself as much as he did Cagalli?

He didn't know.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to—no, he was scared to have a biological child. Because he didn't know whether he could love them. Whether he would be able to not hate them. He couldn't overcome the fear. And his inability to do so had made his wife suffer, robbing her of the chance to have her own child, their child.

He still could pretend and make a child even if only to make her happy for a while, though he really doubted he could deceive her. Or he could gamble on the possibility that he would be proved to have been worrying for nothing. That everything would turn out completely all right.

However, he knew he would make her suffer much more than she did now if his greatest fear came true. And she wouldn't be the only one to suffer. His child, his parents, his sister, his best friend. They all would suffer because of him. He couldn't possibly take such risk.

And thus he couldn't relieve Lacus of her pain. He couldn't even console her since she refused to show it to him, being considerate of his feelings as usual. It had tormented him to watch her suffer and do nothing about it, and he had been considering asking for help from their family.

He felt a little relieved now. He trusted Cagalli to talk to Lacus as he had asked. He knew Lacus could tell her about their problem honestly and his sister could provide Lacus with the comfort she needed badly. He was really grateful to Cagalli. Even if it meant he had to expect her questioning later.

He wasn't exactly prepared for it. He was here mostly so that Lacus could talk to Cagalli without worrying about his feelings. And he needed some time to calm himself. But he was here also in order to avoid talking with Cagalli. He had no idea what to tell her, how to tell her. He didn't think he could explain his feelings to her well.

But then again, it probably didn't matter. She couldn't understand him no matter how well he could explain. No matter how hard she tried. He knew she couldn't. Not because she had not been the object of the experiment, but because she wasn't like him. She simply wasn't the kind of person who thought like that. She couldn't understand why he couldn't get over the past. What had happened so long ago, even before he had been born. What someone else had done, someone he felt no connection with.

However, she would understand he was trying desperately, yet still couldn't do it. And she would respect his decision, like Lacus. She wouldn't try to talk him into making a baby. She would be sad, for him and for Lacus. But she would understand. He knew it. He knew Cagalli would give as much support to him as to Lacus.

He just didn't want to see her sad face. He didn't want to face the fact he saddened not only his wife but also his twin. Not yet. He needed time to prepare himself before going back inside to face the consequence of his decision.

Dropping his shoulders slightly, he shifted his gaze from upward to downward. His eyes softened at the sight of the lights elegantly illuminating the garden. It had been Lacus's idea to put extra garden lights in different colors. They created a beautiful and peaceful sight. Just like her...

Seeing the sight felt a little like hearing her singing, which always calmed him down. Actually, not only her singing but her entire presence, firm and serene, always soothed him. She was his pillar, something he could hold onto in the middle of the storm. She was his oasis, a place where he could find comfort and safety.

He felt a pang of longing for her, a longing to hear her voice, see her face, and touch her warm, soft body. But he couldn't move as if his feet were rooted there.

He closed his eyes, and let out a long, deep breath.

"Here you go."

Lacus looked from the golden-haired woman she had been talking with to a plate with a small cake Athrun had just put in front of her. She blinked in surprise, and then thanked him. "My, it looks very delicious. I love berries."

"Hey, why didn't you get me one, too?" Cagalli pouted.

Athrun quirked an eyebrow, putting a glass of sparkling water with lemon in front of his chair. "Because I got it for Lacus as a sign of gratitude for saving me. You, on the other hand, cruelly left me in those women's hands."

Cagalli humphed. "I didn't know you were that helpless and desperate against unarmed, untrained girls."

"Well...it's not like I can throw them in the air and pin them down on the floor." His lips curved upward amusedly and somewhat fondly. "They are not like you."

Cagalli scowled, but the amused glint in her eyes was noticeable. "Are you saying you care about them more than me?"

"Of course not. Where did you get such an idea?" He innocently tilted his head.

"I thought you just said so yourself."

"I'm pretty sure it's only your imagination, Princess."

"Don't call me that!" Cagalli mock-glared at him.

Savoring the sweet cake and smiling at the couple's childish exchange, Lacus felt good, better than she had felt in months. It wasn't only because of confiding her problem to Cagalli. She realized that she also had missed the lighthearted, relaxing air. Something Kira and she had once enjoyed.

It wasn't like they felt uncomfortable with each other now. They still felt at ease with each other, shared playful remarks, and enjoyed each other's company. Every now and then, however, she suddenly felt like crying over their situation, their disagreement. And the worst part was that she couldn't show her sorrow in front of him. She couldn't talk about it to the person she trusted most, the only person she could turn to without hesitation. He probably knew it anyway. She had guessed that he knew she had been suffering, but still, she couldn't allow herself to make him clearly see how much his decision had disturbed her. Like he probably couldn't make her see how much he was distressed by the situation.

Thus, there had been a slight tension between them, both trying to hide their own pain and not to make the other worry. It couldn't be helped, for the time being. She hoped the tension would somewhat lessen now that she had talked with Cagalli. Part of the reason was that she had not been able to talk to not only Kira, but anyone else.

She wasn't good at opening up, revealing her emotions to others. It was her nature to keep walls around her heart and hold emotion in check. Not many people were aware of it. Not many people knew that her smile and cheerfulness were partly her defense mechanism, her mask. That her calmness was sometimes the result of her inability to express feelings.

A few people had suspected that and disliked her because of it. They had called her inhumane; they had accused her of having no feelings. It had hurt her, though she had never shown it to them. As usual. She simply had not been able to do it.

She sometimes mused that it was probably the reason why she had been attracted to Kira in the first place. Because he was so different from her. He had not hesitated much to show his pain to other people, to her whom he had just met. He had expressed his feelings quite honestly.

He had seemed to be somewhat ashamed of it. But she had always known it was his strong point, not his weak point. It took a lot of bravery to expose your pain, your vulnerability. It took a lot of courage to trust other people and let them in. Contrary to what many people thought, including himself, she knew he was braver and stronger than she was. He was courageous enough to take risks, which she hardly could do. Not only about opening up.

She might not have taken steps to end the war had she not met him. Had she not witnessed him making the painful decision of giving up staying in a peaceful place for the sake of the possibility so remote, of the future so uncertain. He had known well enough that he might be going to fight alone if he tried to end the war without taking sides and he might not be able to accomplish anything even if he risked everything he had. Yet he had chosen to take action instead of doing nothing, using the excuse that one person couldn't do much, like she had been doing.

She might be more intelligent than he was, but her intelligence made her hesitant to try something she knew she was highly likely to fail to do, or even something that she wasn't sure would succeed. She had not thought she could really contribute to ending the war before meeting him, and thus been reluctant to involve herself with the war. Actually, she still had not been sure if she could make a difference even after she had made her own decision. But she had been impressed by his decision and willing to follow his example. And she had learned that taking risks actually could change the situation.

It wasn't like she had tried to or wanted to be like him. They were two different people, and she was fine with herself. Besides, she had decided to take an action to end the war partly because she had wanted to help him. And she could help him better by being different from him, by doing something he wasn't good at.

She simply knew they were his strong points and her weak points. Yes, she had weaknesses. She wasn't perfect like many people believed. She couldn't handle everything well as many people expected. And her current situation was one of those she couldn't. She had been hurting and weakening herself by bottling up emotions inside, not able to let them out.

She had known she needed to talk to someone and pour out those emotions. But she couldn't have told even Cagalli, whom she considered as her best friend, about it had the blonde not asked her. Had Kira not asked his sister to talk about it with her.

The fact that he had made Cagalli talk to her proved that he had been aware of her silent suffering. And right now, he must be agonizing over what he had done to her somewhere.

The thought brought her feelings of sadness and guilt. As much as he must feel guilty for causing her to suffer by not agreeing to make a child, she felt guilty for causing him to suffer by not being able to give up having their own child. She wished she could tell him that she was fine with not having or even trying to have their biological child. That she was content with adopting a child.

But she couldn't. Not yet.

Eventually, she could. She knew it with no doubt. She could give up anything if it was the necessary price to be with Kira.

But not now, not so soon. She needed time. When she told him that, she had to really mean it. Otherwise he would know, and suffer more. They would suffer more. She had to wait until the time came.

She closed her eyes and exhaled quietly, slicing another bite off the cake with her fork.

She was wondering whether to go find Kira after finishing the cake when someone approached their table. "Chairwoman Clyne." She looked up to find the very woman she had been secretly watching tonight. Shiho saluted to her, then to Cagalli and Athrun, and looked back at her. "I am leaving, and I wanted to greet you before I leave."

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Cagalli was looking at her a little worriedly, and Athrun, not knowing their previous conversation, was looking at the amber-eyed blonde with a puzzled face.

She quickly gave a small, reassuring smile to her best friend, and turned her eyes back to Shiho. While she wished the brunette a safe trip home and a good night with a serene smile, she tried to restrain herself from glancing at the bulge in Shiho's midsection, which she knew made Cagalli more worried. However, she wasn't entirely successful. She simply couldn't help it. She wasn't really obvious and probably could hide it from Shiho, but she knew her friends noticed it.

And she concluded it was all right. It was all right for her not to be able to be perfect. It was all right for her to show others that she wasn't all right.

As much as her tendency to hide true feelings was natural, it was also a learned habit. She had once been afraid of opening up for fear of rejection, but now she didn't feel as much need to guard her heart as before.

Kira had given her the courage to let others in as well as the courage to take risks. He always gave her courage. He had accepted her as a whole, every side of her including the ones many people didn't want to see, no matter how different those sides were from each other. He had shown her that there were people who could and would accept her as she was. And she knew he wasn't the only one. She knew it was time for her to accustom herself to letting other people besides Kira in her heart.

She still didn't like to worry her friends, but she knew it was all right for her to turn to them occasionally, to ask for their support when she needed it. She knew they would gladly and wholeheartedly give it. She knew it was necessary for her to reveal and face her emotions in order to move on, and she needed their support in doing it.

In time, she would accept she wasn't going to have a child of Kira's and hers. She was going to be fine with it, or to not suffer as much, at least.

But, for now, she had to wait.

For now, she was still longing for the child. She could clearly picture the baby in her mind: Kira's hair, her mother's eyes, her father's nose, Cagalli's smile, her ears. Her baby she would never have. Her baby she could never hold in her arms. It might sound strange, but she loved the child she didn't know, the child that didn't even exist in this universe yet...the child that was never going to exist. She loved the child as much as her husband, and she couldn't let go of the baby just yet.

So, for now, she would wait, enduring the pain and pangs of envy she felt while seeing other people have what she could never have. She would wait for time to heal her loss. Loss of what she had never had, yet still lost.

She would wait for the pain to subside. She would wait for herself, with her friends' support, to recover and become able to completely accept adopting a child. She would wait for the child to come to her arms. Not their own child, but their child nonetheless.

She would wait for the day to come.

A/N: This chapter is gloomy, though not the heaviest, partly because I wanted to make Kira and Lacus look a little more like an ordinary human being. In the series, to be exact in GSD, they look too perfect. Their relationship, too. I wanted to show that even they have some things they can't do. That even they have some weaknesses and faults. That there are problems even in their relationship.

And I have to make one thing clear. The idea that Kira doesn't want his own child because of his biological father isn't mine. I read someone suggesting it years ago. It stuck in my mind, and I borrowed it for this fic.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm aware that using an artificial womb is probably common, at least among PLANT citizens. And I suppose Yzak and Shiho are likely to take the option since Shiho is a soldier. But it's easier to make Lacus envious if Shiho is actually pregnant and Lacus has to see it. So I made it this way.

The next chapter will be about Yzak and Shiho and lighter, actually the lightest. Not much angst, though not fluffy either.

*posted 04/12/16*