Thanks for your reviews, everybody! Anyways, here are chapters 6-10. Odds are I'll have chapters 11-15 up today as well.
Note: Many of the jokes refer to certain events in the books that probably went unnoticed-so if you don't get something, I'd suggest going back and reading through the chapter to see why I'm saying something.
I own absolutely nothing. If you, for some reason, thought that I own Maximum Ride, I'd suggest getting help. It's called fanfiction dot net for a reason.
We begin in a dark and morbid lab...
Narrator: And now, the main antagonist of the series!
Max: Oh, gods...another throwaway villain with a random accent? Smashing. Simply smashing.
Narrator: Not quite...
Mr. Chu: Guess who's back, baby?
Max: ...Oh, gods...anybody but him.
Mr. Chu: Konichiwah!
Max: ...You're Japanese?
Mr. Chu: Ni hao?
Max: *inward* Count to ten, max. One, two...
Assistant: *scientific stuff*
Mr. Chu: *more scientific stuff*
Antifangirls: *squee*
Other assistant: Mr. Chu-San? You have a visitor.
Max: …You speak no Japanese whatsoever, do you?
Crowley: Nope.
Max: …You do realize that he's Chinese, right?
Crowley: Maybe. You were never particularly clear about it in book five.
Mr. Chu: Hello Jeanne.
Jeanne: Um…Bonjour. Me gustan los Croissants.
Max: ...I hate you.
Crowley: Bite me.
Mr. Chu: *hands Jeanne a lollipop*
Jeanne: *noms*
Narrator: ...Insert pedophile joke here.
Mr. Chu: What was that?
Narrator: Nothing, nothing...
Assistant: *injects Jeanne with stuff*
Narrator: Anyways, blah blah blah, something about Jeanne, she gets a lot of shots, like, dozens a day, she gets a ton of other drugs, how sad for her, and...Scene transition!
Soliloquy: We did a lot of work, until dusk. Normally we're always energetic, but they decided not to feed us. It makes sense, I suppose, but it raises the question of why, exactly, they sent us in. I mean, we need to eat more for a meal than these kids eat in an entire year. It'd be cheaper to send someone else.
Patrick: Hey guys. I'm back, and awesome as ever. *hands Max bedding*
Max: Hey, Rick. Who was it that tried to kill us?
Patrick: Well, you see-
Narrator: Allow me.
Patrick: Go ahead. I'm too awesome to talk with her anyways.
Narrator: Righteous. *High fives Patrick* Anyways, they were your groupies, Max.
Max: Our...groupies?
Narrator: Yep. Random assassins who follow you wherever you go. Groupies!
Max: ...*facepalm* I'm going to go try to wash the stupid out of my brain.
Fang: Emo.
Soliloquy: We went outside. And then we made out. Just like that. So much for dramatic build up...
Narrator: Fang-1. Dylan-0. Max II-0.
Max: Wait, what?
Narrator: ...Nothing.
Fang: Romance!
Max: Hey, he isn't emo anymore!
Fang: I couldn't stand seeing you get shot at today.
Max: ...Never mind. -sigh-
Unspecified Person: Max!~ Fang!~ It's dinner time!~
Fang: ...Dude!
UP: What?
Fang: Hello? Making out? Hot chick?
UP: Oh. Sorry...
Fang: ...God.
Max: So...can we still...?
Fang: No. Just...no. The mood is ruined now.
UP: Hey, I said I was sorry...
Fang: Go to hell, Unspecified Person!
UP: *sulks*
Soliloquy: Part of me wanted to stay in there forever and forget the rest of the world, but I immediately felt guilty, thinking of the flock waiting for us outside. I was still responsible for them; we were still family. God ****ing Damn it.
Narrator: Scene transition! :D
Iggy: Pass the grubs.
Max: *hands him bowl of grubs* Yellow grubs or brown?
Iggy: ...I hate you. So much.
Max: Heh...Yeah, I know. ^_^
Soliloquy: Roger, the nurse-you read that right-handed Iggy a bowl of food.
Roger: Dried fish mixed with...stuff.
Narrator: ...No comment.
Soliloquy: Fang and I were all touching and stuff. And I was thinking about him. Again.
Narrator: ...Do you ever get bored of doing that?
Max: Not really. *stares at Fang and drools*
Soliloquy: Now my face was really burning. Fang and I had dumped the younger kids-
Iggy: Oh, come on!
Soliloquy: -out in the desert somewhere. Total and Akila were off doing...whatever it is they do, and a full half hour had passed without someone trying to kill us. And we were making out. Oh, and Patterson had finally started writing the series instead of hiring a ghost writer.
Patrick: Hello, kids. You met Jeanne today, didn't you? The little girl in the yellow dress?
Max: ...I'm sorry. You memorize the names and distinguishing features of every refugee in the entire camp?
Patrick: Awesome, remember?
Max: Oh. Right. Sorry.
Angel: I can apparently read her mind, but don't know about Mr. Chu. This will no doubt be explained crappily over the course of the book, but for now the readers remain mystified.
Patrick: Yes, well, she used to have a father and four brothers. They all died agonizing deaths. Then her puppy died. Then her friends died. Then her other puppy, and the newborn kitten that she found died. She made more friends. Then everybody came back to life and died again.
Iggy: Well, at least she still has her-
Patrick: Oh, and her mothers in the process of dying.
Nudge: Oh no! So she'll be an orphan?
Patrick: Most likely. In-
Max:-I'm sorry to interrupt, but...what?
Patrick: ...Most likely?
Max: How can she, "Most likely," be an orphan? I mean, if both her parents are dead, it's pretty much a sure thing!
Patrick:-In many other countries, people live longer. But she's in Africa. So she'll die. And guess what? Jeanne is just one among thousands!
Soliloquy: The food sucks. Iggy was staring into the fire. Why am I telling you this? I honestly have no idea. Fangs black eyes with their black pupils were staring at me with dark intensity that was black, and dark. I blushed, and contemplated hiding somewhere with him to make out. Black.
Angel: Ew...anyways, Max...I hate to tell you like this, but Fang will be the first to die. And it'll be soon. So...sucks to be you.
Everyone: ...!
Angel: Pass the salt, Fang. *eats millet balls cheerfully* Hey, why do you think they call it millet?
Max:...What?!
Angel: I asked why the called it millet. I mean, is that what it's made of? Does millet mean meal?
Max: Before that!
Angel: Oh, I asked corpse boy to pass the salt.
Fang: Emo. *passes the salt*
Max: THE THING ABOUT FANG DYING!
Angel: Oh, right. Yeah. Things change. Fang is going to die. You'll have to deal with it. *puts salt on millet balls, a calculating look on her face*
Max: ...Don't you care?!
Angel: *shrugs* Not really. *starts to eat, tentatively*
Max: ...!
Angel: Bleh, I put too much salt on it...
Fang: Chill, Max. It's not important.
Max: *grabs Angel, starts throttling her* SPIT IT OUT, YOU FREAK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!!
Angel: *gasps* I-meant-that-my-food-was-too-salt-y-bleh. *passes out*
Fang: Max...shut up.
Patrick: Hey guys! How's the child abuse going?
Max: *throws Angel to the ground*
Nudge: Wow...what the hell was that all about?
Max: ...Did I give you permission to speak?
Nudge:*quiet voice* No ma'am.
Narrator: Suddenly, two mysterious men approached.
????: Hello, good evening. I'm a scientist with a bootylicious accent.
Readers: *groan* Again?
Patrick: Can I help you, fellow awesome person?
????: Yes, my name is Dr. Hans Gunther-Hagen. I'm a scientist. That's what I do. Science. Because I'm a scientist.
Antifangirls: *double squee*
Patrick: Heh...yeah, you're just as awesome as I am. Shall we discuss our awesomeness?
Gunther-Hagen: Maybe later. But sharing my awesomeness with the needy has been such a pleasure.
Roger: Not only is he awesome, he's also a billionaire. Conveniently.
Patrick: Heh...so, can I have dinner with the leader of the bird freaks?
Max: It'd be my pleasure.
Angel: Yeah, I'll have dinner with you.
Soliloquy: Honestly, when the hell did Angel become so out of character? I mean, really.
Guthen-Hagen: No worries, I have enough awesomeness to go around...shall I introduce my protégé? He's just as awesome as I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the one, the only...DYLAN!!!
FANGirls: Anger! Kill him!
Soliloquy: Oh, good gods, what a hunk...Shut up Max, you're Fang's girlfriend...holy hell, I think I just fell in love...Control yourself Max, he isn't that hot...What does he have that Fang doesn't have? Hah, yeah, Fang's way hotter. All this Dylan punk has going for him is his...extreme height, his thick, wavy dark blond hair, his incredible good looks, his...expressive, crystal, beautiful turquoise eyes, his tanned skin, his...sexiness, his incredibly physique-why can't Fang be like that?-and his...OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD ARE THOSE WINGS?
Narrator: Fin.
I've probably offended a few people so far, and for that I'd like to apologise. Anyways, thanks for reading. And, um...Yeah, I really have nothing else to say. But ending it like this would seem...awkward, to say the least.
Spoiler alert: Fang turns out to really be an avid Twilight fangirl.