Title: You know you are addicted to Cyberporn...
Author: Femme4jack
Chapter Summary: Prime meets with his officers, and gets a surprise.
Characters/Pairings: Ensemble
Ratings/Warning: PG-13
Disclaimer: just playing with them.

Optimus Prime, avatar of Primus by the selection of the Allspark, bearer of the Matrix, heir to the legacy of the 13, author of Cybertron's Golden Age, defender of freedom for all sentient life against the Deceptacon forces of bigotry and destruction, stood outside of the Rec Room scared to his spark. He found himself silently wishing for anything, even a Deceptacon attack to prevent him from having to walk through the door.

Inside the party was already in full swing, and the high grade and booze were flowing. Jazz was DJ for the evening and the Karaoke had already begun. It was a double celebration that had been taking place for 7 years now, and each year the party surpassed the last.

Prime's third-in-command and age-long friend, Jazz, and Sam, the human Prime whom Optimus called "brother", were celebrating their "birthday". Cybertronians did not celebrate the anniversary of their creation, but ever since the miniscule essence of Jazz that had still clung to his dead frame had been resparked by Sam using the Allspark shard on the day that also happened to mark the anniversary of Sam's birth, Sam and Jazz had insisted on celebrating their "birthday" together.

Each year something new happened, and it was always rowdy, always fun, and always hilarious. The previous year the two had convinced several of the mechs to perform scenes from Romeo & Juliet. Jazz had played Juliet and had somehow convinced Prowl to play Romeo.

Optimus normally looked forward to this night. It was a night when he could relax, let down his guard, and simply enjoy friendship, hope and life. But the events of the day had shaken him. For the first time since he had arrived on earth, he was sorely tempted to pack up and leave. And all because he, who had faced down Megatron and the Fallen, didn't have the fortitude to face three human women, whose voices his sensitive audios could hear laughing and enjoying themselves inside.

Prime had spent the afternoon reading several hundred so-called fan-fiction stories that Prowl had discovered earlier in the day. He and his officers (minus Jazz) had met after having a chance to review some of the strange erotica humans seemed inclined to write. Optimus thought that very little could surprise him after 9 million years, but he had to admit, he was surprised…and shocked…confused….angry… embarrassed…and even a bit flattered.

Prime's legendary patience was swiftly melting down into a legendary freak out. He closed his optics and recalled the meeting he and his senior officers (minus the "birthday bot") had concluded only a few breams before.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Prowl, Ironhide, Ratchet, Elita and Optimus were sitting at the conference table each waiting for someone to say something. Will had not been asked to come. They needed a chance to discuss the issue among themselves.

Ironhide finally broke the silence. "Well, that was an interesting way to spend the afternoon."

Elita smirked and replied, "Did you get some good ideas, Hide? Anything new you want to try with Chromia, or your humans for that matter? I read some pretty steamy ones about you and Will. I didn't know you had modified one of your fingers to transform into a vibrator."

Ironhide's cannons whirled, "well you and our oversexed Prime here have supposedly done it human-style in just about every room on base, 'Lita. I didn't know our Prime had that kind of equipment, or should I call it Prime assets?" Turning to Prime he continued, " It seems Elita here is tired of having such thoughtful partner and really just wants someone to throw her up against a wall and frag her senseless. Not to mention her schemes to frag both of us, at the same time. You know, I could arrange that if you are interested…"

Prime vented and attempted to remain calm. This was supposed to be a serious meeting about a serious issue. "We do not need to discuss the details of who did who and how in these ridiculous stories, but rather how much harm is being done to our reputations, and what response we need to make." Prime looked out of the corner of his optics at Prowl, who would have been pale had he been human. He hoped his SIC's logic glitch wasn't going to trip for a second time in one day.

Ratchet jumped in, "but that is just the issue. We do need to discuss who does who and how. The whole problem is that we have left too much to these human's imaginations, out of some misplaced sensitivity to their cultural taboos regarding open, honest communication about intimacy. We've been thoroughly educated on human-style intimacy (if you can call it intimacy – I have my doubts) thanks to their own displays on the Internet and through our friendships with our human allies. Just by keeping our sensors trained on them, we know just about everything going on in their bodies. We know when they want to mate, often whom they want to mate with, how many times they have mated recently, and even if it was good for them. They truly have no privacy from us in this arena. And they are the ones who are reticent about their intimacy. We have always been completely open and comfortable with the way we express our intimate connections. But by keeping it completely secret from the humans, we've invited them to do just what they have done."

Optimus was relieved to finally be getting down to serious discussion. "What do you propose, Ratchet?"

"I propose that we offer sex-ed, Cybertronian style to all of our human allies. We should give them a demonstration of what our interfacing and sharing looks like. We should never have kept it a secret, behind closed doors – it is completely against our basic programming. We should tell the humans on base that taboos or not, we are who we are, and quit trying to protect them from some sort of fleshing meltdown. And, if we need to explain ourselves to the whole of earth's population, we use one of the mediums we have at our disposal – the animated series, books, a third documentary live-action film, or even the toys – no reason for them to not be anatomically correct." Ratchet looked rather pleased with himself and his suggestion.

"You may be right about the demonstration, Ratchet, " Elita chimed in, "I don't think that is a bad idea. I for one am tired of having to wait for those rare moments when we both have time to be in our quarters together to share with Optimus. But I think all of you are overreacting to the problem here. These writers are doing something that is absolutely normal for imaginative, biologically driven humans. Mikaela, Sarah and Maggie truly were just having fun when they started all of this. They admitted to one another over beers on a ladies night that they, for some strange reason, always felt sexually charged when they road in one of us, and started writing for fun, relaxation, and to try to figure out why their bodies were responding that way. You will find humans writing these sorts of stories about just about anyone – real or fictional. It is amusing to them, and aids in the expression of their own sexuality." Elita was going to continue, when she noticed the dark look her mate was giving her.

"Elita. I never told you that Mikaela, Sarah and Maggie had anything to do with this. How do you know so much about this?" Optimus asked in a quiet voice that sounded utterly deadly.

Every optic in the room stared at the femme commander. She stared back at them, completely calm and assured.

"Of course I know about it. I wrote about half of the initial stories, just to entertain the girls. Who else do you think they would have approached with their questions. You, Optimus? They were embarrassed to even sit in your alt mode because they were so turned on around you."

The room erupted. Elita, sat as peaceful as the eye of a hurricane, regarding the yelling mechs with complete calm.

"YOU wrote these? To entertain the girls?" Prime roared.

"Yes, I wrote them. To entertain my friends. It was a way for me to come to a better understanding of them – what gets them excited sexually, what appeals to their minds and souls. You've probably all read my stories. Pen name is Phoenix."

"But those were some of the most inaccurate and explicit, Elita!" yelled Ratchet, standing up.

"Inaccurate? Some were. Others could probably be used for your class, Ratchet. Anyhow, I wasn't writing them to educate the girls. I already educated them when they first invited me on a girl's night. I was writing to entertain them, to help them understand their own sexual needs and desires with us as avatars…so they would be able to express their own desires to their mates. "

The room erupted a second time. Hide's canons were whirling frantically, and Prowls wings were twitching at the same speed. Elita abruptly stood up, and walked to the door, the picture of calm and confidence

"When you boys want to have a rational conversation about this, let me know. You might even consider asking Maggie, Sarah and Mik to join us. They have done nothing wrong. For now, I've got a party to get ready for. And Optimus, it wouldn't have mattered if we hadn't started it. It would be happening anyhow, with the wide public knowledge about us and the way we have used human media to promote ourselves. You may not like it, but we are celebrities now." With that, she practically flounced out of the room, effectively ending the meeting.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And now, a very shaken Optimus stood at the Rec Room door, building up the courage to enter the room where he would have to face his nemesis in the form of 3 human women. He nearly turned to head back to his quarters when Jazz's voice rose above the party.

"Mikki and I have a special treat for ya t'night," Jazz announced to cheers. He sat down at a mech-sized piano Sam had given him a few years before. "This one is dedicated to our wise, patient, and so very handsome leader. Come on in, Optimus. Stand up front. Mikki has something she wants to sing for ya."

Every eye and optic were turned to Prime as he stood frozen in the doorway. He found himself walking toward the front of the room, to stand by Jazz, almost against his own volition. Then Mikaela came on stage, wearing a skintight black leather dress that left nothing to the imagination. The room erupted in catcalls and cheers.

"This one is for you, big guy," she said, walking right up to him to stand between his legs. Jazz began to play a sultry blues song on the piano, and the lights dimmed, leaving Optimus standing there gaping in the spotlight, with Mikaela directly below him as she started to sing...

[Author's note: if you wish to listen to the song Mikaela and Jazz are performing, please, search "Diana Krall Love me like a man union station" on You Tube]

The men that I've been seeing
They got their soul up on a shelf
You know they could never love me
When they can't even love themselves

And I want someone to love me
Someone who really understands
Who won't put himself above me
Who just love me like a man

Optimus just gaped. What pit-spawned plan was this? Had the cons gotten to Mikaela and convinced her to offline him out of sheer embarrassment? Jazz continued a saucy blues riff and Mikaela called up to him

"Pick me up, big guy. I want to see your sexy blue optics while I sing this!"

Again, nearly against his will, Optimus found himself picking up the scantily clad female. He held her in front of him, staring in disbelief.

"Don't look so shocked, you slagger. Come on honey…this is all for fun. Jazz and Sam's birthday treat."

I never seen such losers darling
Even though I tried
To find a man who can take me home instead of
Taking me for a ride

And I need someone to love me
Darling I know you can
Don't you put yourself above me
You just love me like a man

As Jazz continued to pound the blues, Mikaela began climbing, or rather sliding herself up his arm, ending up on his shoulder where she started playing with his audios. Optimus, for a moment, actually considered squishing her.

They all want me to rock them
Like my back ain't got no bone
I want a man to rock me
Like my backbone was his own
Darling I know you can
Believe it when I tell you
You can love me like a man

Came home sad and lonely
I feel like I wanna cry
Want a man to hold me
Not some fool who ask me why
And I need someone to love me
Baby you can
Don't you put yourself above me
Just love me like a man.

The lights went down as the catcalls and cheers erupted from humans and bots alike, but were immediately cut off by a deafening crash. Optimus had collapsed, circuits glitched, right on top of the now smashed piano. With lightning reflexes, Jazz managed to jump free just in time and catch Mikaela.

"Ratchet!" he yelled.

Diana Krall, "Love me like a Man" from Girl in the Other Room (2004, Verve Music Group)