Hugo wasn't much for talking. He was a raven. It just wasn't his thing.
Why would he want to waste his breath scolding ludicrous teenagers who were surely not going to listen to his wise advice?
If they weren't such utter idiots then, perhaps, he would have told them the delectable spices and herbs found in KFC's secret fried chicken recipe. Alas, no. No one wants to listen to a raven. Especially one that perches on the shoulders of a psychopath.
Having known Hugo for many years, Jace Wayland of the New York Institute wanted to prove the stubborn raven wrong.
Jace, being the self-centered prick he was, decided he should be the first to probe the raven's will.
"Hugo, Hugo on the wall, who is the sexiest of them all?" A stoic expression remained on the raven's face. A confused, but not disheartened Jace continued his tyraid.
"Hugo, you know the answer! Just say it! Don't feel bad about hurting their feelings. Remember, I'm the only one that matters. I'm sexy and I know it, they know it, and you know it!"
Another difficulty Hugo faced in life because of his being a raven was the lack of facial expressions he could do. Luckily for Hugo, he was able to pull off his 'white-boy-gone-have-a-cap-busted-up-in-his-ass' look flawlessly.
"Hugo, seriously? Why won't you tell me how sexy I am? Look at these abs!" A shudder ran through Hugo's spine as Jace attempted to do a body roll.
"Tell me! I'm so desperate for attention that I let Clary touch me! Clary! Please, Hugo! Pretty please with a Jace Wayland booty on top?"
Utterly annoyed and run down by the teenager's angst, Hugo choose to give in.
"You are one miserable twat, " started the raven in an impeccable British accent. "I refuse to speak to you for the following reasons. One, your obvious self-centeredness riles my nerves. No doubt a trait you received by all of the adoration you received as a child for your good looks and such. Most likely from your peers. Two, you demand the spotlight to be focused on you at all times. Your need for constant admiration stems from the internal feeling of abandonment you feel since the Lightwoods are your adopted parents. Three, you 'hook up', as the kids say today, as seen by the unusually disgruntled state of your hair and the bite mark on your clavicle which suggests your latest sexual encounter happened this last night. I disapprove of this behavior. It causes me to lose needed hours of sleep-"
"You know you can take care of those problems by yourself right? All you need is a Playboy magazine and a bathroom with a door that locks. I can show you how if you need help. I understand!"
Through gritted teeth, Hugo replied "That is not what I meant." The raven took a breath before continuing, "Anyway, the final reason I have not talked to you is because of how miskept your clothing is. That stain on your shirt is very obviously from a slice of my cheesecake. From this I can deduce that you are in fact the 'mouse' that has been terrorizing the pantry as of late. That is why I don't like you."
"You'll never get me you old bird!"
As Jace darted out of the room he came face to chest with his adopted brother Max.
"On the contrary, Mr. Wayland, it seems I have just gotten you," chuckled the raven.
"Before I'm taken in, I want to know how you figured me out so easily!"
"Hours of watching the BBC's Sherlock, of course. I do have to say, I am quite the Johnlock shipper!"
Two stunned mouths hung open at this statement.
After a moment of silence the prisoner spoke his final words. "If it wasn't for that meddling raven and his stupid birdbrain then I would have gotten away with it."