Author's Note: Wow, I guess I totally lied about that whole 'I'll get the chapters up quickly' thing. Soooorry about that. This one is longer though, and I desperately hope it's worth the wait.
As ever, comments are greatly appreciated. Positive and constructive.
Disclaimer: Torchwood and its characters are the property of the BBC and RTD.
Ianto fumbled with the key as he attempted to fit it into the lock. He chewed his lips nervously, hyperaware of Jack's presence behind him. He hadn't been here since Ianto's suspension, and it had been in a very different state then.
There had been several opportunities to ask Jack over, but Ianto had always found some reason to put it off. Even if their dinners- a new phenomenon since Jack had returned- ended nearer to here than the Hub, Ianto would always remember that he hadn't made the bed, or hadn't had time to do the dishes, or he'd left his clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor. And so they'd head back to the Hub instead.
He hadn't put much thought into inviting Jack back today- something he was regretting now as he wondered how messy he'd left his flat that morning.
Blushing, he finally managed to get the door open and stood back for Jack to enter first. He did so, dropping his hastily packed bag by the door and put his hands on his hips as he looked around. The room was dark, small and quiet, but it wasn't unpleasant. It was obviously Ianto's- the room was simple and efficient, with very few personal touches, indicating just how much time Ianto spent at the Hub.
In just this one room, Ianto had created a living room, dining room and kitchen, but had left it bare enough that Jack didn't feel cramped. In front of the door was the living area, made up of only a couch, a coffee table and a small TV. Behind the couch was a dining table, too big for the three chairs crowded at one end. Behind that was a strip of kitchen island, with a single bar stool pushed underneath. Jack wouldn't have been able to spread his legs to their full width in the space between the island and the kitchen counters opposite, but it was enough space for one to move around.
If they moved sideways.
'Do you…uh, do you want a drink?' Ianto asked from the door. Jack shook his head.
On Jack's right against the wall was a bookshelf, which he noticed was one of the only places in the room with anything of personal significance. Books, DVDs and CDs were carefully organized into it, and propped against them were a few photographs. Only two or three were framed, and it was to these Jack looked first. He picked one of Ianto and black haired woman up and smiled at their matching grins. There was a carefree light in Ianto's eyes that Jack hadn't seen before- he realized with a touch of sadness that the photo must have predated Ianto joining Torchwood, though not by much. He swallowed and replaced it on the shelf, picking up one next to it- a yellowing photo of two chubby babies in a garden. 'You?' He asked, pointing to the one that looked most like a boy. Ianto, who at some unnoticed moment had come to stand next to Jack, nodded. 'My sister.' He explained of the girl.
He cleared his throat and took Jack's coat by its collar, helping Jack to slip out of it without looking away from the pictures. The Captain moved onto an unframed one now- Tosh, Gwen, Ianto and Owen were all in it, each one pulling some kind of silly face. Gwen's expression had won by a long shot, but Owen was a very close second. Jack laughed.
'When was this?' He asked, holding it up between his fingers. Ianto turned away from the coat, which was now hanging carefully on a hook by the door. 'I wasn't taking it, but I'm not in it.' Ianto narrowed his eyes to see it better, then comprehension washed over him.
'Oh. No, Tosh's computer took it. You were…well.' He broke off, looking down and passing Jack as he made for the kitchen.
'What?' Jack prompted. Ianto shrugged, still not looking at him.
'Well, you'd disappeared, hadn't you?'
Jack's lips parted as he understood. He nodded and returned the picture to its place.
He heard glass clinking and looked over to Ianto, who was quickly moving drinking glasses from the drying rack to their cabinet. 'Don't worry about that.' He said, coming to sit on the bar stool. Ianto turned away from the sink to face him. 'You know how I keep my office. Relax.'
Ianto pursed his lips. Relax. It was easy enough to say, but it wasn't helping him feel any less awkward. The immense responsibility of inviting Jack over was starting to catch up to him. He was a host now, a position he hadn't been in for a long time, let alone to someone like Jack.
On their dates, if that's what they were, Jack was full of conversation, and Ianto was more than happy to listen and laugh at his stories that just bordered on believability. But this was his place, his turf, and it was his turn to be entertaining.
Without their usual activity to fall back on, this was going to be difficult. He swallowed nervously and left the dishes where they were.
'You guys really bonded while I was away, huh?' Jack asked, his thoughts still on the photo. Ianto shrugged in a way that he hoped was nonchalant. What had Jack expected? That they'd fall apart without him?
Well, they nearly had. But Jack didn't need to know that.
'We had to.' He responded honestly, and Jack didn't reply.
With nothing to add, they fell into silence. Jack didn't seem bothered by it, but after a few moments Ianto began to worry. He looked around the room, hoping to find some topic for conversation.
TV. They could watch TV.
As soon as he thought this, Ianto rolled his eyes. TV? Was he really that boring? He fought aliens for a living, for God's sake.
'Are you hungry?' He found himself asking.
'Sure.' Jack replied. 'Take out?'
Ianto nodded. 'Chinese? We had pizza last night.' Jack agreed and Ianto went to place their usual order. As he did, Jack moved to the couch, hoping to find something to amuse himself with on the coffee table. He was disappointed, as it was empty even of coffee cups. This made him frown.
All the times he'd told Gwen not to let her personal life drift, had it occurred to him to address the rest of the team? Maybe he'd assumed, since they were all single, that it was too late.
But maybe, for Ianto, it wasn't.
'Half and hour.' Ianto informed, coming to join Jack on the couch. Jack smiled appreciatively. 'Thanks.' He said, glancing back to the bookshelf.
'Tell me something about your family.' He requested. Ianto's eyes widened in surprise.
'What?'
'Your family. Tell me something. Anything.'
Ianto looked mildly distressed for a moment by the sudden interest. He licked his lips and tried to recover, any interesting trivia about his family gone from his mind.
'Um…there are four of us?' He tried lamely.
Though not what he'd anticipated, Jack nodded. 'Ok. Go on.'
'Why?' Ianto asked, a little more defensively than he'd meant to. Jack wondered if he noticed the way he'd pulled away slightly.
'What, something to hide?' Jack asked, hoping to lighten the suddenly tense atmosphere. 'Do they run the Cardiff mafia or something?'
Unable to resist, Ianto smiled, though he threw an eye roll in for good measure.
'Oh my god.' Jack said with mock surprise. 'You're the Cardiff mafia. And suddenly the suits take on a whole new meaning.'
'You like the suits.' Ianto reminded.
'Even more now I know they come with an element of danger.' Ianto laughed and Jack grinned at the sound. 'Come on.' He prompted again. 'How about your sister? Start with her.'
Ianto bit his lip for a moment. It went against everything he'd trained himself to believe to just talk about his family like this. The more people who knew about your loved ones, the more people knew about your weaknesses. And in Torchwood, where there were plenty of merciless enemies with the means to access and destroy anything important to you, it was better to just keep quiet.
But this was Jack. That meant something else, didn't it? Some new rulebook, a different etiquette? Ianto suppressed a tired sigh. He'd grow old and die before he worked out the 'right' way to interact with Jack. Jack would grow old and die before that happened.
'Her name's Rhiannon.' He began tentatively, and once it was out he didn't altogether hate the sensation. He tried again. 'She got married right out of high school. Nearly.' Jack's expression seemed interested, though why his family was so captivating Ianto couldn't understand. Still, he continued. 'She had David soon after, then Mica soon after that.'
With some difficulty in his seated position, Ianto reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and removed his driver's license from the clear plastic window, revealing two photos of a boy and girl. He handed them over.
'Cute.' Jack commented. He noticed a slight resemblance to Ianto in the girl, her thoughtful expression similar to one he'd seen on Ianto many times.
'Mm.' Ianto mused. 'She's a pretty good mum, really. Suppose she had a bit of practice.'
'What do you mean?' Jack asked, looking back up and catching a hint of regret in Ianto's expression.
He'd said something he hadn't meant to.
Jack cleared his throat and moved on. 'Are you close?'
Ianto looked momentarily relieved at the change in topic before taking time to consider his answer.
'We used to be.' He decided slowly. 'When we were growing up. But once I moved to London, joined Torchwood and all that…it became more difficult.'
'Difficult how?'
Ianto wondered if he should find these questions annoying, or even rude, but all he felt was relief. Not only was the conversation maintained without too much stress on his part, but it was surprisingly nice having someone interested enough to ask.
Ok, not someone.
It was nice having Jack interested enough to ask.
'Well,' Ianto said, returning to the question. 'You know what it's like. All her problems, everything she was up to…it suddenly all became very small. I didn't want it to, but it did. And after the Battle, what with Lisa and everything…' He looked down to his hands. 'I don't know. I just couldn't…stand to listen to her anymore.' He frowned. 'I hate how that sounds.' He added in a quiet voice.
It had started when he stopped calling her. When she tried to contact him, he stopped returning ones he'd missed, and eventually stopped picking up when he saw her number on the screen. But he'd had Lisa then.
Things had changed now, but the damage was done. Now the calls only came on special occasions. These he picked up.
'You miss her.' Jack said, and it didn't sound like a question.
'Of course.' Ianto agreed. 'And the kids.' Jack smiled at this.
'What are they like?' He asked. Ianto looked back to him with a more sincere smile.
'Like you said, cute. I made the mistake of buying David some new video game for his birthday last year. His mother is mourning the loss of her son to it, but I'm basically uncle of the year.' Jack snorted.
'If the position is that easily bought, I could be uncle of the year.'
'There's a prerequisite of at least ten changed nappies per niece or nephew.' Ianto clarified.
Jack laughed. 'Nappies? You?'
'And you thought I didn't work for it.'
Grinning, Jack looked back down to the photos. 'What about the girl? Mila?'
'Mica.' Ianto corrected. Jack handed the photos back and Ianto carefully returned them to their place in his wallet. He ran his thumb over Mica's.
'She's pretty quiet, unless she's fighting with David. Then I have war flashbacks to when Rhiannon and I shared a room. Terrifying stuff.' Jack laughed, finding the concept of a tidy child Ianto sharing a small space with another child endlessly funny. 'I'm glad my childhood trauma amuses somebody.' Ianto said sarcastically, but he was smiling.
As Jack calmed down, Ianto bit his lip and watched him, thinking.
'What?' Jack asked, noticing his look. Ianto hesitated before speaking.
'Can…can I ask you something now?'
'Of course.' Jack answered immediately. He couldn't guarantee an answer, but he didn't mind the asking.
'Where did you go? When you found your doctor?'
Jack's smile faded. He should have been expecting this to come up eventually. John had served as a magnificent distraction upon his return, but surely at one point or another the team had wondered between themselves. You could only put off an explanation of your total disappearance for so long.
'That's a long story.' He hedged, not sure what lie he should provide, or if he should lie at all. Ianto simply shrugged.
'We have all night. And since we're not allowed to engage in our usual activity-' Jack chuckled.
'A real tragedy.' He lamented. The light moment faded quickly and he was left with memories he'd been trying to ignore.
Slaughtered, again and again, each time fading out with nothing but the sound of that sadist's laughter to accompany him into the darkness. Coming back, again and again, each time feeling as though he was being dragged naked across broken glass, only to open his eyes and find himself strung up like a hunk of meat, ready for it to start all over again.
He shut his eyes and rubbed his face, exhaling slowly. Ianto frowned as he watched this.
For the first time, it dawned on him that maybe Jack's trip hadn't been entirely pleasant. He didn't know why the possibility hadn't occurred to them before.
'I thought he would fix me.' Jack admitted quietly, his fingers still covering his lips. He was staring forward at nothing in particular. It was unsettling. 'I'd been looking for so long. That bag I took? It's been ready for fifty-four years. I just strapped the hand on and went.'
Ianto's jaw clenched.
He'd seen the CCTV footage. He knew that in order for Jack to have made it to the Plass before they made it back to the Hub, he wouldn't have had time to take anyone else into consideration. Ianto knew that.
Still, it hurt to hear.
'All this time, I thought that finding him was all I needed to be…normal again.' He smiled pathetically. 'That must sound insane. Who wouldn't want to live forever, right?' He laughed, but it was a hollow, fragile sound.
Ianto didn't speak.
'But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I mean it. No one.' His voice was low, nearly inaudible. Ianto ached to help somehow, but was at a loss as to what Jack needed. Just as he was about to reach out for him, Jack was caught off guard by a coughing fit, one that surprised Ianto with its ferocity. Worried, he jumped up and got Jack a glass of water, and the older man happily accepted it. As it subsided, Jack's grin was back, though somewhat dimmed. 'Maybe he did fix me.' He joked weakly. 'I haven't coughed like that in years.'
'Are you sure there's nothing he can do?' Ianto asked, concern evident in his expression. 'Maybe he'll find you one day with better news.' Jack laughed softly. 'No, nothing. Maybe I knew that. If I hadn't, I might've taken him up on his offer to come along. Try and bully him into it over time.' He smiled, but Ianto didn't notice. He was still stuck on Jack's last words.
He could have left with his Doctor. He could have left. For good.
He didn't.
Surprising both men, Ianto found himself surging forward, taking Jack's face in his hands. 'Ianto…' Jack cautioned. He brought his hands up to Ianto's bent elbows, restraining him gently, just short of a kiss. Ianto froze, positioned on his knees, his mouth just a breathe away from Jack's parted lips. Here they were stuck, neither one willing to continue or retreat. They shut their eyes, inhaling the heady scent of their companion, swallowing every now and again in an attempt to maintain control. Ianto clenched his jaw against the pheromones that seemed even more potent now that he wasn't allowed to act on them.
The moment was endless. Ianto knew it would have to be him that pulled away, since he'd been the one to initiate this near-attack, but he was seriously under motivated. He'd never been this close to Jack without anything happening. The result was a whole new experience of Jack that he wasn't ready to give up, not yet.
Jack was going through a similar episode.
At length, Ianto finally groaned and sat back, taking a deep breath in, his eyes still closed. Jack frowned at the loss of contact.
When he opened his eyes, Ianto was staring at him, a wrinkle of concentration in between his eyebrows. Jack raised an eyebrow and it disappeared. 'What-' He began, but the buzzer announced the arrival of the food. Ianto leapt up, leaving the conversation, the moment and Jack behind on the couch.