Hey guys here's the long awaited chapter in Kisa's POV!
When Kisa woke up, he was faced with complete darkness. His body ached and his head throbbed in pain, feeling as if it had split in two and worsening when he tried to think back and remember what had happened to him. He felt a familiar warmth enveloping his hand and heard whispers sounding beside him. Though he couldn't quite make out the words being said, he recognized the voice immediately.
"Y-Yukina…?"
He opened his eyes, or at least he thought he did, but darkness still remained. This made panic rise in his chest. Where was he? What was he doing in such a dark place?
"Yukina?" he repeated, squeezing the hand around his tightly.
Or maybe...I haven't actually opened by eyes yet?
The raven relaxed when his hand was squeezed back in reassurance, feeling even more so when he felt warm lips brushing against his own. This always had such a calming effect on him, and he felt his headache actually start to recede.
"Shh, Kisa-san," Yukina whispered gently. "Close your eyes, you need to rest."
"C-Close my eyes?"
Kisa found himself doing just that, but then opened his eyes again, and then repeated the same action only to realize that the room he was in must be pitch black.
But why?
"Kisa-san, what are you doing?"
The raven opened his mouth to answer, only to be hit with a sudden realization. Yukina could see what he was doing.
But then…why can't I see anything?
Kisa had a very bad feeling in his gut, and he turned his head as much as he could towards where his boyfriend's voice was coming from, ignoring the sharp pain shooting through his head at the slight action.
"Yukina…" he whispered, his throat dry. "Are the lights turned on in here?"
There was a pause. A very long pause that sent millions of worries running through the raven's head. What was going on? Why couldn't he see anything? It couldn't be that…
"No," Yukina finally said. "I told the nurses to turn them off since bright lights would be bad for your headache."
Kisa let out a breath of relief he hadn't known he'd been holding, managing to relax his stiffened body. So that was all. The lights were off.
Thank god…
"Mm...okay," he mumbled, closing his eyes. His chapped lips curved into a smile when he felt his lover's lips pressing to his forehead. Knowing Yukina was by his side, Kisa managed to fall into a deep sleep right away.
It was the next time Kisa woke up that he faced the truth. The painful, miserable, agonizing truth.
"I think I can handle the lights on now, Yukina. Plus, I really want to see you."
"Kisa-san…"
"Please? If they really bother me, I'll tell you to turn them off."
"Just listen to m—
"Here. Let me sit up so we can…"
"Kisa-san."
"..."
"..."
"Yukina...oh god. I can't move my legs! What's happening to me? Call a doctor! Please call a doctor! Please! Oh god Yukina, I...I can't move them at all!"
"K-Kisa-san, I know this is really hard for you...I'm so sorry…"
"Wh-What are you talking about? Why are you apologizing? The doctors can fix this! I...I can move them again…right?"
"..."
"Yukina answer me!"
"...I'm sorry…"
"..."
"..."
"You mean...I can't…Why? Why?!"
"Kisa-san...look I—
"What are you saying? That's impossible! There's no way…"
"I'm so sorry…"
"..."
"..."
"So, the lights...they've been on this whole time, haven't they…?"
Yukina could only hold him and whisper reassuring words in his ear after that, but it was like Kisa couldn't hear him at all. He just sat there, staring blankly at the wall. Honestly, the raven surprised himself when he didn't cry, when he didn't feel any anger, sadness, or anything at all. Kisa was empty. Emotionless. Only one thought was running through his mind at the time.
I'm a burden to him. That's all I am now.
Why is he still here?
Why does he still come visit me?
He should have left me right when he found out.
Why didn't he?
"Kisa-san, I'm very sorry but your CT scans show that your fall from the accident ruptured a vessel in your brain. We've looked at it and it seems like an intracranial hematoma. "
"...Is it life threatening?"
"The collection of blood is going to cause serious damage. You've already been showing symptoms like headaches and vomiting, and I know this is hard, but I must inform you that you will die if it's left for too long. I advise you to do the surgery as soon as possible. My team and I are ready to do it today, as long as you give us permission to do so."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...Kisa-san?"
"I don't need the surgery."
"Sir, this is a life threatening condition you're in. If you don't treat it, then—
"I don't need treatment."
"Kisa-san. I hope you're aware that you're ignoring medical advice from a doctor. We can't force you to have the surgery, but it's—
"I already said I'm not doing it. Now leave me alone, I don't want to see anyone."
"..."
"..."
"...If you change your mind, you need to tell us right away. The longer you wait, the more risk there is."
"..."
"..."
"Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"You know the man that always comes to visit me?"
"...ah, yes. The handsome one with light brown hair?"
"Please don't tell him about this."
"..."
"..."
"...alright. Rest well, Kisa-san."
Why is he acting as if nothing happened?
Why is he still so caring, so nice? What good does he get in taking care of an old crippled man like me?
Why does he still kiss me? Why does he still hug me? And hold my hand?
Why does he still say he loves me?
"Let's break up."
Those words had been stuck in his throat for so many days now. So many times, Kisa had been prepared to say them to his lover, and all those times, he had chickened out. He loved Yukina. He really loved him, and he didn't want to be separated from him, but it was because he loved him that he had to do this.
Yukina couldn't be with him any longer.
Kisa knew he was affecting his studies. No, not only that. He was affecting his whole life. Yukina was still in his twenties and had a long life ahead of him. He shouldn't be spending that time taking care of some crippled man. He should be spending his time on his studies, on a girlfriend his own age. Kisa had already been so hesitant on being with him before, but now, now he knew there was no way.
So he fisted his hands in his lap and forced those words out, telling himself he was taking a burden off his lover's shoulders.
"What did you—
"I said, let's break up." Kisa surprised himself at the volume and anger in his voice. He'd been so quiet and emotionless these past few days that he didn't think he had any of that in him anymore.
There was a long silence between them, and the raven knew this was it. Yukina was leaving him.
So when the man suggested they go back to his room and didn't give him a chance to answer before starting to wheel him back, Kisa was confused. He was confused, shocked, and frustrated. He was giving the man a way out and he wasn't taking it. He didn't understand his lover's intentions at all. But if this went on any longer, Kisa didn't know if he'd be able to let Yukina go.
"Yukina, this is the last time you're coming to visit me."
Kisa heard his lover suck in a breath, he could sense his confusion and pain in the air around them. He hated this, but he knew this was for Yukina's own good, so he kept a straight, expressionless face and willed himself not to break in front of him.
"Wh-Why are you saying such things? I'm sure you're just stressed...you can't really mean that..."
I don't.
"I do. We're over Yukina."
Kisa heard the brunet rush to get in front of him and felt the desperate grip Yukina suddenly had on his hand. It was funny how he could tell that these were his lover's hands just by the feel of them. He remembered the countless times those large, warm hands had been holding his, caressing his cheek, tangled in his hair, running over his whole body...Kisa didn't think he could ever forget those feelings.
"Kisa-san, I—
"Stop!" the raven yelled, quickly hitting his hand away. "Don't you get it? I'm tired of you!"
Please. Just leave. Please Yukina...
"I don't understand," the brunet said quietly. "Why so suddenly…?"
"Why?" Kisa repeated in utter disbelief, giving a cold and bitter laugh. "To tell you the truth," he paused, but willed himself to keep going. "I always hated that princely attitude of yours. You were so fake, it was disgusting." He tried hard, so, so hard, not to show any signs of the absolute misery he was going through. He wanted to cry. Wanted to scream. But he clenched his teeth and continued. "But do you know why I endured it? Do you know how?" The raven paused. If he wanted the man to leave, he knew his next words would do the job. He knew that despite Yukina's confidence, they would completely tear him apart. But it was fine if the man was heartbroken for a couple days, because the rest of his life would be so much better without Kisa to burden him. "Because of that goddamn gorgeous face of yours," he spat. I'm sorry, Yukina. "I thought I was finally getting some feelings for you, but it's funny—the minute I got blinded, I lost interest." He laughed again. "So what's the point of us being together if I can't see you?"
For once, Kisa was glad that he couldn't see his lover. He knew that Yukina's expression right then would completely break him, he wouldn't be able to keep up this act up anymore. And right now, the raven wanted so, so badly to bury himself into the man's chest and cry, cry and tell him that none of the things he said were true, that he loved him with all that he possibly could.
"Just leave and don't come back! I've had enough of you bothering me for a week!" Yelling like this was actually helping calm Kisa down, it helped him let out his anger and frustration. But though it felt good in the moment, everything just came back mere seconds later, the pain rising tenfold.
Leave. Just leave me alone so I don't have to go through all this anymore.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kisa heard the man in front of him stand up.
"I understand."
Yukina...
"I won't bother you anymore Kisa-san."
Please...just go...
"...But I just thought you should know that I still love you. My feelings haven't changed."
Kisa's eyes widened at those words, tears threatening to fall. What was that supposed to mean? Who did he think he was, confessing again before he left? He was just making Kisa's heart ache for him even more, making him fall in love all over again right when they were about to part.
What could I possibly have done to get someone as perfect as you?
"I guess this is crazy but if you ever get your sight back and want me back too, I'll gladly come to your side for another chance at making you really love me."
He felt a tear roll down his cheek.
Thank god his back was facing Yukina.
"Goodbye, Kisa-san."
Kisa heard the door close, and his room was filled with a dreadful silence before all his tears spilled over. He didn't hold his voice back, and sobbed and wailed until he lost it. He cried until there were no more tears left to cry, and even then his body was still shaking and he was biting down on his fist to keep from screaming.
I did this for him...this was the right thing. Yukina's still young and immature and he doesn't understand this stuff. I have to be the responsible one and think about his future. He would have regretted staying with me. I can't make a perfect guy like him waste his life taking care of someone like me...
Kisa was a mess when the nurses came to check up on him, his face streaked with tears and body hunched over and shaking. They let him be once realizing his tears weren't from any physical pain, though still kept a close eye on him. And thank god they had stayed because not two minutes after they had arrived did Kisa feel a wave of both pain and nausea shoot through his skull and he lurched forward, emptying the contents of his stomach onto the tiled floor.
They told him his condition was getting worse, and that it would only get worse with time. Again, they tried to convince him to get the surgery done. And again, Kisa said no.
"How are things going, Kisa?" Takano asked gently as he sat down beside the said man's bed. "You doing okay?"
The raven laughed bitterly, not raising his head.
"Yeah. I'm doing fine." I just can't see...or walk. And I just broke up with my boyfriend. "Perfectly fine." Sarcasm dripped from his words.
A sigh escaped from Takano's lips.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. Of course you're not okay…"
Kisa felt tears coming again but he quickly blinked them away, clearing his throat. He wasn't crying in front of anyone right now.
"How's Marukawa?"
"You asked me that yesterday."
"Well we need something to talk about, don't we?"
The raven heard another sigh come from his boss, as well as the sound of him shifting in his seat. It was obvious that he had something to say, and Kisa had a pretty good idea of what it was about. And he did not want to talk about it.
"How are things going between you and Ricchan?" he quickly asked before the man could speak. "Are you guys finally going out?"
"Kisa, I know about the hematoma."
Kisa pressed his lips together, tilting his head downwards. He didn't want to talk about this; he had already made his decision. What good was he in the condition he was in? What else did he have that he could live for now that Yukina left him?
"If that's all you want to talk about then please leave. You're wasting your time."
He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, the touch sending a warmth through his body that he liked and hated at the same time. He wanted to be cared for, but he knew he was just wasting everyone's time. They could be doing things far more important.
"Why won't you do the surgery?" Takano asked anyway. "You'll die if you—
"I can't walk or see," Kisa cut him off. "Can you imagine someone living a life like that? A happy life?"
"I know things may seem hard now, but I'm sure that—
"That what? That everything will work out in the end?" he shouted in disbelief. "Do you think things will work out in the condition I'm in? I'm just a burden to everyone close to me! I'll waste their time, and their money, and I won't be happy! Do you see a reason for me to live like that? Because I don't! I'm doing everyone a favor right now, don't you see?"
By the time he stopped, Kisa was panting, not having yelled like that in a long time. He was weaker than ever right now, and he held his head in his hands, taking a deep breath. He could sense the pain coming and gritted his teeth.
"Kisa, are you okay?"
He tried to get out an answer then but the whole room felt like it was spinning and his head felt like it was splitting open. Takano's voice suddenly began to fade away and he heard the man calling for the nurses before he completely lost consciousness.
Why am I still alive?
When will this thing kill me?
It hurts...so so much...
I wonder how Yukina's doing…
I miss him…
The days and nights remained uneventful at the hospital, with the doctors insisting Kisa to have daily sessions with a psychologist and learning braille, to which he only agreed to to occupy both his time and thoughts. His migraines were getting worse and were coming in much shorter intervals; he wasn't sure how long he'd last.
He had just been contemplating using a faster, more painless way to stop everything when he heard shouting outside.
"Kisa-san!"
Kisa's eyes widened at the familiar voice that tore through the silence in the air.
"Y-Yukina? What are you doing h—
"I'm so sorry Kisa-san!" the brunet cried, the loud sound causing a terrible ringing in the smaller man's ears, though he was too focused on trying to understand what was going on to care.
No, no, no! You have nothing to do with me anymore, why are you back here?
Kisa soon found himself being crushed in his ex-lover's arms, an incredible warmth spreading through his whole body at his embrace. He really didn't know how much he missed this feeling until now: this safe and relaxing feeling that made him forget about everything. The raven was losing himself in the man's touch, not wanting to go back to those miserable days without him.
Tears pricked his eyes, and he quickly tried to blink them away.
"I-I told you not to come back! What part of that don't you understand?" he tried to yell, though his words only came out as whimpers. It was too hard to do so many things at once: hold back his tears, act like he hated the guy in front of him, and ignore the throbbing pain in his skull. He didn't think he could do it anymore.
"I know everything, and I'm so sorry for leaving you like that!" Yukina sobbed, hugging him even tighter if that was possible.
The raven suddenly felt something wet on his shoulder, where the brunet's face was resting. He felt it seep through his hospital gown and onto his skin.
"A-Are you crying? Yukina, what—
"It's all my fault Kisa-san!"
Kisa stayed frozen in place, doubting the reality of everything, questioning himself over and over again: what did he do to deserve a boyfriend like this? What did Yukina see in him? Was he dreaming?
But he was tired. Tired of lying, tired of pretending. After all this, after everything that happened to him, everything he had done, everything he had said, Yukina still came back. It confused him to no end but all that mattered was that he came back. He wasn't giving up on Kisa.
Slowly, and ever so hesitantly, the raven wrapped his arms around the man to hug him back. He instantly remembered the feel of his toned body underneath his palms, against his chest, and the faint scent of paint mixed with his own musky scent.
"I-Idiot," he finally said. "I'm the one who broke up with you."
"That doesn't matter! I should have known better!" Yukina cried. "I'm so sorry!"
Kisa was tearing up again, and this time, he let himself cry.
"Y-Yukina…"
The first tear came rolling down his cheek, and then he completely broke down. Tears streamed down his face as sobs wracked his body. He was letting it all out, all the pain and frustration and everything that had built up through the course of these weeks.
"Wh-Why are you even b-back here? After everything I said to you…" Kisa sobbed.
He felt Yukina pull away from him, which made him panic like crazy. But those hands never left his shoulders, and he could feel the man's gaze locked on his. A couple strands of hair were brushed away from his face and suddenly the raven felt soft lips on his in a passionate kiss.
He kissed the brunet back desperately; he had been longing for those lips for so long. He didn't want to part. He just wanted to stay like this forever, wanted this perfect man all to himself.
Kisa felt more tears spilling over but he continued to kiss the man. He remembered crying like this after breaking up with Yukina. He remembered how lonely and cold it had felt, and despite the four nurses tending to him and helping him calm down, his whole world seemed an endless abyss with only him inside it.
Now it felt so warm. He felt like these tears were emptying out all his stress and pain, and his body felt lighter than ever. As he clung onto the brunet, he felt a spark of hope ignite within him. It was tiny, but it was there. It was funny: he had just been thinking about death a couple minutes ago. It was crazy how this man changed things.
The kiss ended much sooner than Kisa would have liked, although those tender lips were now brushing against his eyelids, his cheeks, and his nose. He was short of breath and was taking in large gulps of air, but Yukina's next words made him stop breathing all together.
"I love you Shouta. I really really love you."
The raven sucked in a breath, his heart pounding against his chest upon hearing the man use his first name. He didn't even realize he had stopped crying until he burst into tears again, burying his face into the crook of Yukina's neck.
I never thought I'd be able to hear your voice again, let alone hear you say that.
"Why?" he sobbed. "Yukina, you don't deserve someone like me. You deserve someone so much better, someone younger, prettier, smarter… I'm just a burden to you." Kisa fisted his hands tightly in Yukina's shirt. It was as if he was afraid he'd slip through his fingers, despite he himself being the one telling him to leave. "Please...leave me while you can...before I can't let you go…"
I don't think I can let you go even now. It's your fault for coming back here. I had completely given up already.
"Don't talk about yourself like that ever again," Yukina scolded, though his tone was gentle. He gathered the man into his arms and Kisa felt long, soothing fingers stroking his hair. "I'm not leaving you; I'll love you no matter what happens. So please, Shouta, live. Promise me you'll go through with the treatment. For me," he pleaded, pressing a gentle kiss on his head. His lips seemed to instantly halt the waves of pain shooting through the raven's skull. "I'll be waiting for you right outside the operation room and when that's over, we can move into a new house together. Promise me, Shouta."
Are you sure about this? Kisa wanted to ask, but he was in no condition to push this man away any longer. Yukina was his and he knew that now. He couldn't deny his feelings anymore.
"I promise." Kisa couldn't help but laugh, the sound already sounding foreign to his ears. How long had it been since he felt this happy? "What did I do to deserve someone as perfect as you, Yuk—no, Kou?"
"You just being here, just simply existing," Yukina said simply, chuckling.
Kisa was pulled into another sweet kiss, and as he savoured those soft lips on his, he finally understood: this was what it felt like to be swept off your feet, this was one of those moments in Shoujo manga where there were sparkles everywhere and two whole pages were dedicated to a sole scene. This was love.
The raven pulled away and smiled up at his lover. He really smiled, because he had completely given up and he had lost everything but this man still wanted to stay with him. This perfect human being was willing to stay by his side.
"I love y—
Pain ripped through Kisa's skull right then, tearing a broken cry from his lips. He doubled over and clutched his head in his hands, trying to fight back the nauseating feeling crashing onto him.
No. Please no. Not now!
"Kisa-san?" Yukina called out in panic, and the raven felt tense hands grip his shoulder and back to keep him steady. "Kisa-san! What happened?"
The room was spinning. It was spinning so fast, and his head hurt so much. So, so much.
Was this the end? Was he going to die?
"Y-Yukina…" he whimpered.
"Help! Someone help!" Yukina screamed, and Kisa fell.
"Kisa-san! Don't die on me! You have to stay alive! Please! You have to come out of that room alive!"
...
Is that...Yukina's voice?
...am I dying?
...
No.
I can't die now.
Yukina's waiting.
He's waiting for me.
He's waiting…
And there you have it, this fanfic is officially done! I hope you all liked it and thanks for all your reviews and favourites! :)