10.09.2006 4.49am
Sender: B Swan ( .ignetmail)
Recipient: A Cullen ( .alphanet)
Topic: Why?
I hate you.
Do you understand that? Today… this moment… I hate you. You left me, sister mine. Are you even still? Do you really understand that kind of binding thread to another? I don't feel it. I don't feel that link to you. It's just gone under the weight of aching, consuming rage.
You left me.
Betrayed.
Lost.
Forsaken.
How could you? How could you do that to me?! My sister… you left me. And you took all of us with you when you left. Those memories… Did I imagine you? My best friend… Were you just a dream? My truest friend. How could I possibly be this angry at a mirage… a figment of my obviously sick mind that probably was never even real?
You weren't, were you?
You stepped out of this town, out of my life and just… disappeared. And nothing changed. No-one changed for your leaving, but me. Life went on as always. Your disappearance did not leave a hole, jagged or smooth in our town. There is no vacuum where your presence used to be… for anyone, save me.
Have I gone mad? Am I really Alice and you and the rest were my Wonderland? An escape from my life when I desired it. Pulled from it before I was ready.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I HATE YOU.
…
I love you.
Please, I love you. Please come back, sister mine. I need you. Everything is hard and painful and broken and just wrong since you left. A clean break? Ha. What a motherfucking joke. The cruellest kind of lie. You were torn out of my life. Ripped and clawed and scraped out of my life… my heart. Clean? Fuck that. Nothing could have been more brutal, more savage. I'm jagged and bleeding and hurt…
I hate you again.
I hate you all.
How could you do this to me? Was I not a friend to you… even the most basic kind? Was I not something more than a pet to be kicked and tethered alone to starve and rot?
I wasn't, was I?
My delusions greater than even I knew. To think that you could care for me half as strongly as I love you. That fierce, desperate clinging to you was the breaking point, wasn't it? I assumed… I thought myself better than I deserved. I was unworthy, wasn't I? Not enough to stand among you. To ever be counted as family.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
Please come back!
Bella