"Lieutenant Abarai, is your paperwork completed?" Byakuya demanded, letting himself in to his subordinate's office without knocking.
Renji jumped, hurriedly shoving several stacks of paper under his desk and knocking over his ink bottle in the process. "Almost, Captain," he lied, stemming the black liquid seeping across his desk with the sleeve of his uniform and dearly hoping it would stop before it reached the edge.
"No, you haven't," Byakuya observed, fighting back the temptation to unleash his shikai as the ink began to drip off the table onto the mounds of unstarted reports by Renji's foot. "Well, never mind, I'll finish it myself later and you can do all of tomorrow's paperwork to make up for it." Renji groaned audibly as Byakuya continued. "Instead, tonight you're accompanying me to the Shibas' domicile and then you're going for a drink with your, ahem, friends."
Renji blinked. "You're serious? My job is to get drunk? And to socialise?" Byakuya responded by nodding, and Renji frowned. "What's the catch, Captain?"
Byakuya frowned. "There is no catch. You are only required to spread the news of what you are to witness this afternoon."
"And what am I going to witness this afternoon?" Renji asked.
"A business deal," Byakuya replied. "You see, the first step to, ah, befriending the Targets is to establish some sort of acquaintance. In this case, I am going to place a large order with the Shibas' family company. This has the added advantage of increasing the family's capital by a small amount."
Renji grinned. "Yeah, yeah, that's smart, Captain. Um, what exactly is the Shiba family business?"
Byakuya winced slightly. "Fireworks."
"Fireworks?"
"Fireworks. And a rocket."
"A rocket?"
"A rocket, Renji, and don't make me repeat myself again," Byakuya scowled.
"Okay..." Renji said slowly. "But Captain Kuchiki, what use could you possibly have for a load of fireworks and a rocket?"
Byakuya shrugged almost imperceptibly. "I don't. More to the point, it doesn't matter, as the purpose of this exercise is simply to establish the beginnings of a business relationship with the Shibas, and to have said relationship between the Kuchikis and Shibas recognised by others in the Soul Society, as associating with us will raise their social standing.
That's where you come in, Renji," Byakuya continued. "You're to go out on the town with some seated officers from other squads and spread the news that I have made a deal with the Shibas. It's an easy job, even you would find it hard to screw up," Byakuya finished, his voice so icy Renji could have sworn the temperature of the room had dropped by a couple of degrees.
"So I meet up with some friends and tell them about your association with the Shibas. Yes, I can definitely do that," Renji said, giving up on trying to contain the ink and standing up enthusiastically. "So, when are we going to see the Shibas?"
Byakuya frowned lightly. "I have received intelligence..."
"Who from?"
"Don't interrupt me, Renji. I overheard the crazy cat-woman talking about how Kuukaku Shiba tends to be home in the afternoons. She also mentioned the Shibas' address, it was almost as if she wanted me to drop by..."
"So we're going now?"
"We're going now, and if you make me repeat myself again you'll be receiving a demotion when your review comes up."
"Honestly, Captain Kuchiki, I'm not entirely clear on why you're going to such lengths to set up Ichigo's family in the first place," Renji pondered as the pair made their way out into the world, Seireitei far behind them. "After all, you're trying to match Rukia with somebody you don't even like. What's the reasoning behind that?"
Byakuya sighed wearily. "It is true that I do not like Ichigo Kurosaki. However, my sources tell me that Rukia does, and it is my wish to put her wishes before my own wishes in matters of her own heart. I wouldn't expect you to understand," he finished.
Renji furrowed his brow. "That's just as well, because I didn't understand a word of what you just said," he muttered.
Byakuya suddenly ground to a halt, pointing towards a large tower over the horizon. "Ah, that must be the Shibas' current residence," he said, breaking into a rapid flash-step which Renji clearly hadn't a hope of keeping up with.
Sure enough, when Renji finally reached the building, a good five seconds behind Byakuya, he ground to a halt and stared up at the frankly rather bizarre building. It looked like no house either Byakuya or Renji had ever seen, almost like a giant sakura tree with a gigantic trunk, a small wooden ladder leading from the ground to the front door, which appeared to be a circular hole in the massive trunk. A large, blank sign hung from the top branches of the tree, and a couple of dozen feet behind the tree was a colossal chimney-type structure, seemingly sprouting straight from the ground.
Byakuya gave an appreciative nod, climbing the rickety ladder and peering down the trunk into the gloomy depths. Renji followed close behind his Captain.
"Excuse me!" Byakuya called down the hollow trunk in a grand, regal voice. "This is Captain Byakuya Kuchiki of the Thirteen Court Guard's Squad Six. I wish to meet with Kuukaku and Ganju Shiba with a business proposal."
However, before he heard a reply, Renji gave an enormous sneeze underneath him and Byakuya jumped in surprise, sending himself toppling headfirst down the shaft.
Renji heard his Captain's distinctly undignified shrieks getting fainter and fainter as he fell. "Whoops," he said to himself, climbing the remaining steps and jumping down after his superior.
Unaware that his Lieutenant was falling behind him, Byakuya eventually ran out of breath and his shrieks petered off. Reining in his initial panic, Byakuya regained his composure, withdrew his Zanpakuto and muttered "scatter, Senbonzakura." The sword immediately broke into a thousand tiny blades, each of them lying flat and forming a platform underneath Byakuya, moving slightly more slowly than him. Eventually Byakuya caught up and landed gently on the falling platform, which proceeded to slow down until it ground to a halt, hovering above the ground at the bottom of the tunnel.
However, before Byakuya could disembark, Renji came hurtling down out of the sky. Responding quickly to the panicked yells, Byakuya waved his arm and the platform split into tiny blades, which went flying off to his sides. Byakuya reluctantly faceplanted on the ground and braced himself as Renji landed on top of him, screeching.
"Get off me, Renji," Byakuya said quietly, standing up after his Lieutenant had moved. Byakuya turned around to the sight of a small pile of bright red hair on the floor a couple of feet away, and Renji sporting a much shorter ponytail. "You look like Rika Nonaka," Byakuya added calmly, recalling one of the characters in an anime series of Rukia's and nodding towards Renji's head.
"I... wha?" Renji uttered articulately, bringing his hand up to his head and giving a yelp once he realised a large amount of his hair was missing.
"I see you let yourself in, Byakuya Kuchiki," said a woman's voice from the shadows, as Byakuya finally looked around and saw that he and Renji had landed in some sort of underground tunnel. Suddenly, the woman appeared from behind a rock, causing Renji to jump backwards in fright. Ah, yes, Byakuya thought. With that face, there is no way this woman is not related to Ichigo Kurosaki.
"Miss Shiba," Byakuya inclined his head. "I sincerely apologise for our intrusion. My Lieutenant over here," he gestured towards the hapless Renji, "is responsible." Renji hung his head.
"Ah, from what I heard you've always been an impetuous brat, Byakuya," Kuukaku said humourously. "I would expect nothing less from you."
Byakuya seethed internally at this woman's familiarity. "Miss Shiba..."
Kuukaku waved her stump of a right arm impatiently. "Ugh, I hate formality. Call me Kuukaku, or I'll have to send you home in a rocket." Her eyes lit up at the prospect.
"That won't be necessary, ah, Kuukaku," Byakuya said hurriedly. "As a matter of fact, I am here to discuss a rocket with you."
Kuukaku grinned. "You want one of my rockets?"
"And a selection of your finest fireworks, if you please," Byakuya said coolly. Renji examined the wall.
Kuukaku's grin widened further and she slapped Byakuya on the back, as he winced. "Good for you, kid, it looks like you grew up to actually be fun after all. I can't say I was expecting that, your family being what it is." Byakuya grimaced. "This way!" the woman announced.
Kuukaku suddenly walked up to the rock she had hidden behind, flipped it open and hit a concealed button, causing the floor to give way to turn into a giant slide. Byakuya found himself landing on his face once again as the three built up speed, hurtling deeper and deeper underground.
After what felt like several years the tunnel widened and Byakuya found himself being thrown into the air, landing on his back in the middle of a large underground chamber as Renji fell on his face and Kuukaku, of course, landed gracefully on her feet, smirking at the visitors. "Taking a lie-down are we, boys? And there was me thinking you ran a squad between you. I guess even Captains have the same lazy streak as everybody else," she said, winking at the fuming Byakuya. Byakuya leapt to his feet.
"How is anybody supposed to remain on their feet after freefalling for a couple of miles and then sliding several hundred yards down a tunnel only to be literally unceremoniously thrown into a room?" Byakuya asked calmly, only the flaring of his nostrils communicating his fury.
Kuukaku yawned. "Well, I managed. Also, you see this ceiling?" She pointed up at the ceiling, a plain white panel about forty yards over their heads. "Above that ceiling is five metres of dirt. That's all. You only think you fell so far because I had the idea to build a system of fans into the tunnels to disorientate any people tempted to break-and-enter by the lack of a door. Seeing as how you yourself broke-and-entered, I'm sure you understand." She smiled sweetly at Byakuya, whose eyes narrowed dangerously.
"When do we get to see the rocket?" Renji piped up, eagerly looking around. Byakuya subtly thumped him in the back of the head as Kuukaku turned around, looking towards the centre of the room.
"Easy there, Mr. Enthusiastic," Kuukaku said. "How would you like a display of our true firepower first?" She made her way to a panel of buttons and switches embedded in the wall.
"Oh, I'm sure that won't be necessary," Byakuya said quickly, himself rather eager to leave this crazy woman's home as soon as possible. "Honestly I'd be quite happy to pay you in full for a large rocket and five thousand individual fireworks and to carry them back to our barracks right now..."
"Nonsense," Kuukaku interrupted. "A couple of things. Firstly, you couldn't possibly carry all that back, I'd have to get my brother to deliver them for you. Secondly, that'll be a hell of a lot of money, so you'll want to be sure you really have bought the best, and thirdly, I'd really like to show you a display and as my guests it would be rude of you to decline." Byakuya couldn't believe this delinquent was lecturing him on manners.
"Very well, then," Byakuya conceded, silently daring Renji to be excited. "Shall we head outside?"
Kuukaku stared at Byakuya as though he had just suggested a trip to Mars to look for a talking lion, before throwing back her head and laughing uproariously. "Outside? Why the hell would we need to go outside?"
Byakuya blinked. "Surely you don't intend to give a full pyrotechnics display indoors?"
"Yeah, why not?" Kuukaku asked, frantically pressing buttons on the panel before Byakuya could respond. All of a sudden, several dozen hidden panels on the floor slid backwards to reveal an arrangement of fireworks and Byakuya noticed a giant circle right in the centre of the room sliding backwards to reveal a giant cannon. A hole appeared in the ceiling as the cannon rose skywards and Byakuya realised that they must be right underneath the huge cylinder behind the tree on the surface.
"If we die," Byakuya said, "I'm going to kill you."
"Pah, whatever," Kuukaku retorted, slamming her fist down on a big red button in the centre of her panel. At this, all of the fireworks on the ground were catapulted into the air simultaneously, causing a BOOM which shook the entire room to the core. Renji dived for cover as Byakuya stood completely still - despite the obvious danger, even he had to admit that there was something beautiful about such an explosion. Not that he'd be telling Renji this, of course.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Kuukaku sighed, making her way over to a small fire caused by one of the fireworks which failed to take off and staring at it intently. "The fire. That's what our family's all about," she said happily.
Byakuya's brow furrowed. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Kaien's Zanpakuto, Nejibana, a water-type Zanpakuto?"
"Yeah, he was kinda the family black sheep, if you know what I mean," Kuukaku said matter-of-factly, finally stomping out the fire just as it threatened to set the floor itself alight. "Kaien was the responsible-big-brother type. Dull," she added, looking up at Byakuya who was busy attempting to keep the alarm off his face. After all, Byakuya had known Kaien personally as an high-ranking Soul Reaper and was therefore concerned at the thought that he was the most sane of the Shibas.
Byakuya made the decision to run before Kuukaku decided to give a demonstration of one of her rockets.
"Well, that was... interesting," Byakuya said carefully. "If I pay for them now, could I have the five thousand fireworks and a rocket delivered tomorrow afternoon?"
Kuukaku laughed. "Of course not! I'm afraid I just used up my entire stock of fireworks." Byakuya's nostrils flared in exasperation. "However, my brother, Ganju, is out at the moment and will be returning soon. I can make him have them ready and delivered in a couple of days. I'll send the rocket with him, too, as it's rather large."
"Thank you," Byakuya said coolly, writing a cheque for a large amount of money. "Will this cover the order?"
Kuukaku took the cheque and whistled. "For that, I'll even throw in your trip back to the Seireitei."
Byakuya paled as he noticed Renji examining the cannon in the middle of the room. Surely not...
"Now, we have a slight problem here," Kuukaku pointed out. "You may have noticed the distinct lack of any ladders on your way down here, right?" Byakuya gave a slow nod, and Kuukaku continued. "You see, when I was designing this place I decided that with our lack of a door it was impossible to stop intruders from entering, so it would be a better idea to keep them from leaving. As such, anybody wishing to leave my home needs to be launched out."
Oh, you have got to be kidding, Byakuya thought.
"Get in, boys," Kuukaku said in a bored tone, pressing a button on her panel which caused an hatch on the cannon to slide open. "Don't worry, I won't fire you all the way to Seireitei, just far enough for you to be able to escape my chimney." And with that, she detached the panel from the wall, shoved Byakuya and Renji into the cannon, slammed the hatch shut and stood well back.
"CLEAR!" she bellowed, punching a button on the panel and launching her visitors up into the air and out of sight. Kuukaku stared at the cheque Byakuya had written, before tucking it away inside her top. "Well, Byakuya Kuchiki, it was a pleasure doing business with you," she said to herself, replacing the button panel on the wall and strolling out of the room.
"And then," Renji said, in between mouthfuls of sake, "Captain Kuchiki announced that he was going to buy five thousand fireworks and a rocket from the crazy Shiba woman! I mean, can you believe it? Captain Kuchiki with fireworks?" Yumichika Ayasegawa and Ikkaku Madarame burst out laughing.
"What the hell is Captain Kuchiki even going to do with five thousand fireworks?" Ikkaku asked.
Renji shrugged. "Beats me," he said. "They're probably just going to gather dust in the squad's cellar and be discovered in a couple of thousand years."
"Aww, that's no fun," a drunk Rangiku Matsumoto whinged. "He should at least give them to us, we'd... hic... throw an awesome party if we had fireworks." Rangiku then collapsed into giggles and leaned on an embarrassed Shuuhei Hisagi.
"Wooo, firework party," slurred Izuru Kira from the floor, where he had collapsed half an hour previously.
"So, yeah, we should be having them delivered straight to the barracks in a couple of days," Renji continued. Ikkaku's eyes gleamed.
"Y'know, Yumichika, I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a couple of those fireworks myself. You looked hilarious with that afro."
"Don't even joke," Yumichika wailed. "That was years ago, and my hair hasn't been the same since."
"Ah, get over it," Renji advised. "Your hair looks fine. Nobody cares."
"Yes, well, you would say that," Yumichika pointed out. "Seeing as you obviously care so little about your appearance to tolerate that mess," he said, pointing to Renji's accidental haircut.
Rangiku giggled. "Shuuhei has funny hair," she pointed out, patting the latter's head and flattening his spiky black hair.
"Thanks, Rangiku," he muttered, gently shoving the drunk woman to the side, which resulted in her falling on top of Izuru.
"Oh, hey Izuru," Rangiku said happily. "Wassup?"
Izuru gave a sort-of half shrug. "Th' moon, I guess," he said, lifting an arm and pointing in a direction which the window was not in, accidentally smacking Shuuhei in the face as he lowered his hand.
Renji coughed, remembering why he was there in the first place. "So, anyway," he prompted. "Don't you think it's interesting that the Kuchikis have started doing business with the Shibas?"
"Oh, yeah, definitely," Rangiku said cheerfully, before falling asleep on top of Izuru. Shuuhei did not look amused.
"I don't care about business deals," Ikkaku pointed out. The rest of the group, or rather the ones who weren't asleep, collapsed or Renji, nodded in concurrence.
"Right, I guess that's it then," Renji said, recognising a lost cause when he saw one. "Who's paying?"