Misaki? Misaki. Misaki! Mi-sa-ki~!' That is my only ever-waking thought. I barely pay attention to the work I do because that one very complex thought just won't stop taking most the space in my dark mind.

Even before Annex 4, or hell Homra, that little prick was all I thought about. In the indecent moments of night, or the creepy ones in the bathroom, he was there. It's not like I mean to be obsessed with something so stupid, it's just his effect on me.

It took me a long time to figure out that what my feeling towards him was my form of love. A love that took hold so strong it became an obsession to make him see me. I made it a goal to know everything about him. I know what each little gesture, twitch, tone, dress, look, literally what everything means.

He used to like that I could comfort him when he was sad without him reverting to a 'whiny bitch' as he'd say he would be. If he was happy I knew I could push it and touch him. When he was angry I knew I needed to silently stay away and make him calm down from a distance. If he was angry and I made the mistake of not getting out of eye-sight, I'd willingly become his punching bag. I didn't mind him beating me up, since at least it was consensual touching. . . Right? Whatever his mood; I knew from even the slightest stray hair and knew how to change them all to the one I wanted to see.

I was the perfect friend, maybe even best friend at some point in our long relationship together. Though no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, he didn't seem to care. I was barely holding on as someone he could just destroy when he got mad. When Homra came I became a forgotten toy that was now too broken for anyone else to want.

Somewhere between the pain of him disintegrating the pieces of my heart I realized that wif I was to turn to dust, I'd want to be the one doing the crushing. I first tried drugs, but that ended with me in the hospital and Totsuka yelling at me to keep my eyes open; while Misaki was nowhere to be seen. When the IV was out and my scolding was over I was back to my efforts to try and ease the pain of my shattered soul.

Next try was alcohol; which to my dismay had no effect, even after I downed enough to land me in the hospital again or just not wake up the next morning. I began to cut, but that only lasted as long as the burning pain did. I soon realized that my scared, bleeding, and generally sliced body was hard to keep from the prying eyes of Totsuka.

When that death that I had been so close to seemed like the last option, I saw a couple getting very physical and I realized maybe a girlfriend would distract me.

Finding one I thought was attractive was extremely hard, until Totsuka told me to look for someone who maybe resembled the most attractive person I had ever seen. My search now narrowed to a girl like Misaki, which was a lot easier to find than a girl I found attractive. Once I found one I then found it hard to talk.

The girl willingly talked to me, but I realized I hadn't really ever talked to a girl besides when I had to. Somehow I got her to go on a date. After a while I did what a boyfriend should do. The kiss wasn't bad, but something felt off and within a few more weeks I broke up with her just for not being Misaki.

I went back to the forced moments of not breaking down, until one day I went back to thinking about that girl and the kiss. I realized Misaki wasn't the only painful thought in my head. I decided what was more extreme than a kiss was sex; so there at sixteen years old I as whisped away into a locked room with a woman I barely knew and was too drunk to realize I was a minor. It didn't feel right at all, but I finished anyways to find myself moaning Misaki's name at the finally, even after having the blank mind I so craved for the longest time in my life.

Weeks later I found myself in the same position, and again finding it hard to get started; in the end I called out the same name. I asked Totsuka about my predicament of not actually being attracted to girls, he just laughed and told me maybe I liked boys or just wasn't ready for a relationship. I decided to try a guy, and sure enough nearly all problems besides the part of me saying 'Misaki' at the end was fixed.

I locked my pain away and started 'dating' (fucking) a guy, little to Homra's or Misaki's knowledge. I had gotten myself to the point of going through some days without Misaki clouding my thoughts when Annex 4 came to recruit me. I didn't hop onto that idea until my 'boyfriend' dumped me, and Misaki's ignoring me came back to hurt me. I joined Annex 4 and finally gained Misaki's attention like I so badly desired. I even burned my Homra symbol just to ensure I 'd never lose that red's attention ever again, even if it was out of hatred.

After a month of being at Annex 4 I realized I was still being tormented by my thoughts of Misaki. By this point I was cold, emotionless, and crazy from my broken heart. At some party that my stupid king made me go to I took my chance to get the longer time of forgetting all of my pain. That's when I met Himori Akiyama and made him my escape.

My first night with him as the first time I had intercourse and didn't say Misaki's name. He soon became a near weekly habit, even though we have still never gone on a date and I went back to saying 'Misaki' at the end.

He doesn't seem to care that I am rough, or that last night was the first time I didn't make him hobble out in the time it takes me to shower. I fuck him every time I see Misaki, and change style depending on how much I thought of Misaki. He can walk normally when I barely thought of him, but is driven mad from pleasure when I couldn't stop thinking of Misaki.

He listens to whatever I say, even though when drinking he is the drunk one. He even tries to meet my impossible demands, like not making any noise when I take him because he doesn't sound like Misaki. I almost feel bad for how I treat him, but he is the one who keeps coming back. Himori Akiyama may look cute curled up asleep, or when his face is contorted in pleasure, but he will never be Misaki Yata. He will never become something more than a filler, and Misaki will never return my feelings.

Author's Note: Okay and there was the second one I wrote. I personally like this one more, but it's all up to the reader. I'm sorry if any of you thought there was going to be something much different. I had it finished, but I couldn't concentrate enough to proof read it and I was also pretty annoyed because my computer decided to delete the work I had done on it. Anyways thank you for reading and I may do another story for a different character, because this is seriously fun to write. Sayonara~