I replay everything that had happened the night before to make sure I hadn't dreamt the whole thing. But the lack of clothes and fading scent of semen told me it was reality. So I started contemplating on whether or not it was the best time of my life. I guess I'll only know when I get his full reaction.

It surprised me that he had gotten up so early after climaxing twice last night but then again, I'm a generally lazy person.

I gather up the dirty sheets and wrinkled clothes from the bed and put them in the washing machine in the hallway. After that, I went into the bathroom to wash up before meeting up with my latest sex partner in the kitchen.

"Morning!" I say cheerfully, surprising Tomoki.

Tomoki echoes my greeting in a much lower volume before turning back to continue making morning tea for himself. Shit. He's avoiding my gaze. I pushed the guy I liked for the last several years even further away from me!

After realizing that I'm gay, I started noticing that I saw Tomoki in this rosy, heavenly light. As if he was an angel sent from above just for me. And it wasn't until high school that I realized I was in love with the guy. That's why I never had a serious relationship. Because I was too hung up on a straight guy to really notice anyone else. It's also why I'm such a sex maniac. I get horny all the time just thinking about Tomoki. In clothes! That's how bad I've got it for the dude.

I stand there for a long time, wondering what to do next as I stare at his back.

"Um… About last night…," Tomoki finally utters.

"Right, about last night," I reiterate awkwardly. "Look, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We can even pretend that it never happened if you want."

"I don't want to act like it didn't happen," Tomoki mutters. He was just barely loud enough for me to hear him. "I… I just want to know something. If I enjoyed being a bottom, does that mean I'm gay or at least bisexual or something?"

Now I get it. He's not mad at me for pushing him into sex. He's just really confused. Yes, that is what I'm going to chalk it up to. There's no way he would hate me, right?

Anyway, I could tell that he was really trying to grasp for the answer to this question of his. "It's reasonable for you to enjoy it. I mean, the prostate is in the ass and if it's hit, you receive intense pleasure. And well, with my experience, I know how to pleasure a guy, even the ones most reluctant to bottom."

I also mention that research has shown that a lot of straight guys enjoy prostate massages or anal stimulation. I may have seen that somewhere before on the internet but I might've been pulling it out of my ass. Not sure which. But Tomoki appears to have relaxed a bit.

Tomoki seems to have understood my explanation but he still didn't seem entirely convinced. Crap. He's been my crush for a long time now but he's been my best friend for even longer. I don't want to lose him like a lot of my old 'friends'.

When I first came out, my father was very angry at me while my mother looked like a relative had just died. Dad was shouting at me but then Takuya came to my defense, probably because he blamed himself for what had become of me no matter how many times I tried to tell him that I was born this way. After that, I went over and told the other Warriors to see how they would react, especially since I needed a place to stay. Dad didn't let me back in the house for about a week before remembering that I'm still his son, gay or not.

Anyway, Kouichi took it pretty well. He simply smiled and nodded in understanding. Nothing changed. He still tutored me, he still talked to me, and he was totally cool with it. I even thought I was developing a crush in him but it turns out, I was just super relieved that he was okay with who I am.

Izumi took it even better than he did. Saying how she had never known anyone openly gay before and how she could finally talk to someone about boys. As it turned out, hanging around good-looking guys made it hard for her to make genuine girlfriends so she turned to me. I wasn't like the stereotyped homosexuals who talk about men all the time but it didn't hurt to have that sort of conversation like it was a normal thing. I stayed at her place for the week that I was kicked out. Since her family had mainly grown up in the west; they were a lot more accepting of my sexuality.

Junpei looked surprised, and then wary but he didn't seem to be against me. His behavior around me did change, he seemed almost cautious, like being gay was contagious or something. I can't really blame him; we did grow up in a pretty conservative country after all.

Kouji was unreadable at the time; actually, he's unreadable all the time. All I know is that he didn't exactly seem to approve of me. That's what I thought, until he protected me from a couple of thugs who wanted to beat me up for being myself. After that, he started keeping a closer eye on me, he's made it very clear that he doesn't like my sexuality very much but he's also made it clear that I'm his friend and he won't just leave me in the gutter if I need help.

Then there's Tomoki. Nothing changed. That's all I can say. Or so I thought. Turns out, he always knew that I was gay because he was the one who was originally protecting me from bullies when I was selling myself to sports clubs to relieve them of their stress of an upcoming big game.

I've tried countless times to get close to him but each time, he would pull away and then come back to make sure I know that he's still my friend.

He's always been there for me. I don't want to lose him, not after what we did.

"Shinya?"

I was brought back to reality. Tomoki was finally looking at me again, concern etched into his face. "Oh, sorry! I was just lost in thought."

"I could tell," Tomoki said, giving me a small smile. "Um… How can you be sure?"

I knew what he was talking about. "Well, do you get turned on when you think about a male model's nude body?"

There was a slight hesitation in his answer. "No…"

This might be a huge risk that could backfire and push him even further away but… "What about me? Last night?"

He blushed. "Well, maybe, yes? I'm not sure. I got aroused, looking at you, that's for sure."

There was one more risky method I could try. "They say you can find out your orientation by kissing."

"Kissing?"

It's a lot more romantic than sex since the latter is usually portrayed to be lustful. "Right. If, say, we kiss and it feels right, then you're gay or bisexual." I don't want to complicate things by mentioning that he could also be hetero-romantic.

Tomoki gives me a long hard look but he knows me. I search for physical pleasure in the form of sex, never have I actually kissed another boy except for Makoto; the only guy I actually dated. He broke it off with me because he realized that there was no way I could ever provide him the real intimacy he wanted. I was stricken with a little bit of sadness at first, but then relief washed over me because I realized that the only reason I wanted to go out with him was because he reminded me of the guy I actually liked.

"Okay, then… If you don't mind…," Tomoki starts, he doesn't really have to say more.

I'm actually feeling nervous, scared that I was going to push him further away but I wasn't about to back down now. So I put my arms around him and pull him close before pressing my lips against his. He was less than a second off but he returned my gesture.

The kiss was something else from everything I've ever experienced because it feels so innocent and pure. We don't shove our tongues down each other's throats. Neither one of us made any implication that we wanted more than just lip contact. It was warm, gentle, and the best part of it is that it lasted for about ten seconds. And the worst part is that it was over.

When we pull apart; Tomoki was just looking at me and I'm not quite sure why.

"Well?" I question.

He shook his head. "I… I'm not sure. I mean… I guess I kind of liked it. So… Does that mean?"

I could see that he was scared, terrified actually. I had dinner with Tomoki's family once and I was just jokingly flirting with Tomoki. Okay, so the Himi family believed I was joking.

Anyway, Tomoki's older brother, Yutaka, got annoyed and told me to stop behaving like a fag. Mister Himi scolded him for insulting a guest but then I made a huge mistake. I told him that it was fine since it wasn't much of an insult for me. I don't want to say bad things about them since they are generally nice people (except Yutaka) but let's just say that I was kicked out of that house faster than a pedophile on school grounds. Okay, that's not true. There was a lot of yelling after initial shock first.

"If you're this confused, it's only a possibility," I decide to say. "You've lived your whole life knowing that you were straight so just stick to that. If you had any interest in men, then it would've shown a long time ago. Trust me on that."

Tomoki doesn't seem too sure but he nods in agreement. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"Of course I am," I smile. Hopefully that'll make me seem more convincing. I don't need him to be so frightened over who he may or may not be. I just need him in my life.

Tomoki glances at the time and quickly grabs his bag. "I've got to go or I'll be late for my exam. I've brewed some coffee for you and help yourself to anything in the fridge if you're hungry. And be sure to get to class. I'm not responsible if your grades start to drop."

"Yeah, sure, whatever mom," I say in a droning, annoyed teenager voice. This was an ordinary routine for us whenever I stayed overnight. I'm not sure why I even have my own apartment. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Tomoki nods. "I'll see you later." It looked like there was more he wanted to say but he just left it at that and left.

"Later…," I sigh.

-X-

From one best friend to another. I just need to talk to someone about everything that had happened. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about last night's events to anyone but I assume that if it was someone Tomoki and I mutually trusted then it would be all right.

I think she said that she's working here today. It's a good thing I chose most of my classes to be in the late afternoon.

I walk into the building and ask the receptionist about the studio before going over there. When I enter, I instantly knew that I had walked in on a horny straight man's wet dream come true. She was standing on glittering sand, her wet blonde hair falling over her body, striking a sexy pose while wearing only a small black bikini. She has curves in all the right places and the makeup department did a magnificent job at making her already beautiful face even more stunning.

You're probably wondering how a gay guy knew all this about a woman… Well I'm gay, not blind. What more can I say?

Anyway, despite the confidence she displays as a professional model, I could tell she wasn't very comfortable with this photo shoot. Or at least, not with the way the men were staring at her. I could easily see that most of them were already hard just looking at her. That was just sad. Though, if it was a really hunky guy then I'd probably be in the same situation as them.

"Okay, we're done!" the photographer states after taking his last few shots. He's also one of the few men who isn't hopelessly lusting after the model which was probably why she always asks him to do her shoots. He's also got a really nice body on him. I don't know why he didn't take up modeling himself, I'd pick up all of the magazines with him in it immediately. "Can someone get a robe for Orimoto-san?"

"Thanks Tokuyama-san," she smiles as she puts on the pink robe. That was when she noticed me standing near the doorway. "Shinya! Hey! What are you doing here?"

"I thought we could have brunch together or something," I grin.

Tokuyama lit a cigarette (Indoors… Okay, so he's got some flaws) and came over to us. "Ah, Kanbara-kun, it's nice to see you again. Have you thought about my offer about becoming my personal model?"

This guy jokingly flirts with men as openly as I do. At least, I'm pretty sure he's joking. "Sorry, but I've still got school so I have to decline."

"Ah, that's too bad but it's good for a kid your age to stay in school," he chuckles as he waves his camera around. "I'll be taking this to the media department then. I'll catch you guys later."

After saying goodbye to the Japanese Adonis, we went to Izumi's dressing room so that she could quickly change into her ordinary clothes. Once that's over with, we go over to dessert café across the street. It might've been a bad idea since a lot of teenage girls come here and that's the majority of Izumi's fan base. This means, we were being stared at like the pastries in the display.

"Is that really Izumi Orimoto?"

"No way! Why would she come to a place like this?"

"Who is that guy with her? He's kind of cute."

"Do you think he could be her boyfriend?"

Izumi didn't seem to notice at all. Then again, she's been an international idol for about six years now; she must be used to it. "So, something tells me that you came to me for more than just brunch. No sane person goes to another town just to have food with a friend."

"We're at a sweetshop," I laugh. "How is this brunch?"

"Don't dodge the question," Izumi smiles before leaning forward. "I'm here for you."

"Well, first, what was that shoot for?"

"It's supposed to be going on the front cover of Jungurubito (Jungle Beat) magazine, a special early summer edition." I'm glad she explained to me how the industry worked or else I'd be asking why a summer photo shoot in fall.

"Ah," I nod as I stir my tea.

"Now come on, tell me what's going on in that head of yours," Izumi tells me. "I can never tell. Your facial expressions are as obscure as Kouji's."

I give her a faux smile. "Then what do you call this expression?"

"Okay, so it was a bit of an exaggeration," Izumi giggles. "But come on, I can tell you're preoccupied about something. You can tell me."

"Okay, if it'll stop you from pestering me," I sigh dramatically. I pause to make sure that no one is eavesdropping and I think the girls in the booth behind me were but I decided to just take spill the beans anyway. "Last night, I slept with Tomoki."

Izumi's blank expression told me that she was trying to process this information. "Like… In the same bed…?"

"No! I mean… I had sex with him," I clarified in a hushed and slightly embarrassed tone.

Her eyes widen for a moment and her jaw drops but she quickly switched to a more neutral expression, now fully aware of my cautious behavior. It's not like I wanted to hide my orientation from the public. I'm open but sometimes, it's just better to leave it hidden. You know, in case there's some conservative psycho with a knife on him.

"Seriously?" Izumi hisses. Her shock was covering the excitement that was underneath the surface. I can tell. She knows that I've liked Tomoki for a while. "Does this mean that he returns your feelings or what? Come on; don't leave me in the dark! Give me the juicy details!"

It's kind of funny, seeing a model; actress, dancer, and singer whine and plead like a little child.

"There's not much to say," I confess. "He was acting all bummed because he was a virgin and I made my usual stupid offer and then… Well, he took it. Okay, not exactly but he got into a situation in his pants and he wanted me to provide some relief to him. My point is; we had sex."

I'm giving her the abridged version of the story, of course. She doesn't need to know about certain details like my incestuous escapades. There are some secrets that even best friends can't share with each other.

"Does that mean he likes you?" she asks, getting to the question I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

"I don't know," I shrug. "We talked this morning and then… we kissed… And–!"

"Whoa! Back it up!" Izumi practically shouts before remembering the type of conversation we were supposed to be having. She lowered her volume until it was simply a notch above mute. "You guys kissed?"

I nod. "Yeah, but he only wanted to confirm whether or not he was gay."

"And?"

"He's really confused about it. He's not sure what he is anymore so I decided to tell him that he was most likely straight since that's how he's always thought of himself his whole life," I answer. "It's funny, the LGBT community goes on and on about how their sexuality is something they're born with and well, so do I, but then, there are so many instances when straight people actually get confused and feel they could be gay."

Izumi considers what I had just said. "I don't think that's true. I think that it's perfectly natural to love both genders and its only society that keeps us from thinking that. We see straight couples on television, the internet, in public so we think that's what's supposed to be natural and that becomes are mindset. For some, they fall or are more susceptible to attraction with the same sex, they become labeled as gay or bi or whatever. But the point is, everyone is born a little gay in my opinion."

"And only for some, it develops," I add.

That would mean that everyone has a little bit of that gay part in their hearts that they've locked up. I wonder if I held the key to that part of Tomoki's heart.

No! I'm just bringing my hopes up again. I shouldn't do that or the fall is going to hurt a lot more. And the rush of it won't be able to compensate for the pain.

"I know, it's a strange theory but it's what I believe," Izumi says.

"Does that mean there's a lesbian part of you?" I ask, deciding to change the subject.

She didn't look like the idea was preposterous or anything, she just took a second to think about it. "Well, I have been curious, I'll admit. But not enough to go out with another girl. Like you, I think I love men a bit way too much. Speaking of which, I've got this massive crush on Atsushi-san!"

"Who?" I blinked.

"Tokuyama-san, Atsushi's his first name."

"You're on a first name basis with him now?"

She does a bit of a pretentious hair flip which is a running joke between us. "What do you expect? We've been working together for years now. I don't call him that in the workplace or near the paparazzi, they may get the wrong idea and all."

I had to admit, I felt a little bit envious of her. "Lucky!"

Izumi shook her head with a fond smile. "It would never work out though. Being on a first name basis with him also comes with whole new territory, meaning; secret sharing. As it turned out, all those times he's flirted with you, he's been half-serious."

My mouth hangs open. "You're kidding me."

"Nope," she shakes her head. "That's what I mean by its not lucky because now my fantasies are ruined. But I've got new fantasies of course. Ever since he told me that he may be in love with his assistant who's pretty good-looking too. So I give them my full support!"

"For an idol, you're quite the fan girl," I chuckled.

"I can't help myself," she laughs. "Nothing can ever steer me away from BL."

The two of us continue this mindless stereotypical girl chatter for a while before it was time for her to get back to her manager. We leave the sweetshop and I walk her back to the studio where we stop in front of my car first.

"Wait," I call before she could get back inside the building. "What am I supposed to do about Tomoki?"

"I think you should wait," Izumi replies. "You don't even know what Tomoki wants to do and it's better not to push anything if you truly cherish him as a friend."

I nod in understanding. "I do. I don't want to lose him and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world."

Izumi smiles. "That's good."

"But… What if he does like me?"

"Well, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk. Dating friends aren't usually a good idea after all."

"Yeah, I'm not sure if I'd survive like you and my brother."

"Actually, Takuya and I stopped talking to each other directly for about three months after our break up," Izumi admits. "But I'm really glad that it didn't affect our friendship all too much afterwards. Anyway, good luck."

"Yeah, thanks," I smile back.

Izumi walks back into the building to meet up with her manager and I get into my car. I wonder about Izumi's theory for a bit and decide that I personally don't believe in it. I still think you're born with your sexual orientation but who knows; maybe it's different from another perspective. I'll never know. But at this very moment, I've never wished so hard to know what another person is feeling.