xxx
Flashback: Set after Dead Air.
The bartender passed another glass her way, what he counted to be her fourth since she had come in less than an hours ago. "Double vodka, on the rocks."
She didn't even look up to him, just slid the twenty across the counter, and pulled the glass to herself as she stared down into it, watching the ice swirl around in the clear liquid. He placed the change on the bar beside her, but if she noticed, she didn't reckon him.
She knew it had been coming. It has been coming for a long time. They had avoided it for a while, the last few visits were more about sex than talking. It was easier that way. When he wanted to address it, she had avoided him. Now she knew what it was that he had wanted.
She couldn't say she was shocked. It was only a matter of time. Numb was a more accurate word she would use. Her chest heavy, and her stomach had that sinking feeling you got when you're on a rollercoaster, but without the excitement and adrenaline. This was a rollercoaster into hell, as far as she was concerned. Ready to crash and burn.
Stop thinking about roller coasters, she mentally scolded herself.
She picked up her glass, and knocked it back in one go. The burning sensation as it slid down her throat was oddly comforting. She set the empty glass back down, and unfolded her arms from the top of the bar. She went back to doing what she had spent most of this hour doing. Looking at her wedding ring.
She had never realised what a comfort it had been, until now, now that she no longer had a right to wear it. Who would have guessed that a simple band of gold could be so reassuring. She knew without it she would feel naked, her personal life stripped bare for all to see. Everyone would know that it was finished. The rumor mill would start again.
She felt sick at the thought of that. She thought she had finally escaped those days, of walking down the hallway and hearing the whispers behind her back. It had gone on for the entire eight years she had been there, but had seemed to die down when she came back, except for every now and then, like when Doug came, but she could handle that.
It always used to be about how she was chasing Grissom, she should just move on, he would never get with her. Then there was rumors about Hank, and Nick on her side, and Terri, Lady Heather and Sofia. Not all of them were rumors, but twisted versions of the truth. When he had eventually realised that they should be together, that they were meant to be together, the rumors stopped bothering her as much.
They had a secret that nobody else in the lab knew about. None of them knew, and she loved it. When she came back to Vegas, the ring was enough for them to all see how wrong they were, all those years ago, she had married Gilbert Grissom.
Now, she was the one who he would probably divorce.
She couldn't face telling the guys. She could only imagine how they would react. Would they see the whole picture? They both looked up to Grissom as if he was a father, and if anyone said something against him, they jumped to his defense almost before she could. Would they take his side in this, and see her as the bad guy, to hurt their most respected figure?
And if they weren't mad at her, one thing she couldn't stand was pity, and they would pity her. The rumor mill would be cranked to it's highest, about all the possible ways she messed things up with Grissom, because everyone in that lab that knew him, hero-worshiped him. She used to be one of them. But, he had his faults too, yet nobody seemed to be able to recognize that.
She twisted the band between her shaking fingers. She would say nothing for now. Once again this was her secret to bare. And maybe, he would figure out just how wrong he was before anyone else found out, and they wouldn't have to know. She knew Grissom better than anyone, he just needed a little more time, maybe the would talk soon, and try and sort things out. There had to be another resolution to it, other than just giving up.
She had fallen in love with this man almost twenty years ago. Twenty years, of loving him, of being with him, then not being with him, then being with him again.
Was this really it, though?
Maybe... Maybe she just wasn't meant to have a happy ending. After everything in her life, the universe decided to keep screwing with her. Maybe it was a Sidle curse. Her alcoholic, abusive father, stabbed to death seven times by her alcoholic, schizophrenic mother, and her junkie brother, dead because he couldn't pay what he owed to a dealer. Maybe it was her turn next.
The bartender returned, sliding another glass across to her. This time she looked up to him, meeting his eyes for the first time in the hour that she had sat there, drowning her dissolving marriage in alcohol.
"What's this?" She asked, her voice cracking a little as she spoke, forcing her to clear her throat.
"From the guy down there." He pointed to the other end of the bar, where a tall, dark haired man at the end of the bar, good looking by all standards. He smiled and raised his own drink, winking at Sara.
She gave a small smile back, and felt a blush creeping up onto her cheeks. It had been a long time since she had a man buy her a drink at a bar, granted, it had been a long time since she had been at a bar.
When he started to make his way towards her, she didn't think of turning him away. No, she welcomed the presence. It was a distraction, from how her world was crumbling around her. She was surprised that someone was even taking an interest in her. She had to admit, it was a nice stroke to her ego. Talking to someone else, who didn't know about Grissom, would be so much easier than talking to anyone else at the lab.
She knew she was just craving interaction of any sort with another human being, but she found it hard to admit that to herself. Then she would have to admit just how bad things really were in her life, and as long as she could keep it locked away, she could carry on as normal. She didn't know how she would react if she let all of her emotions take over.
"You looked like you had a hard day, so I thought you might need another drink." He said smoothly as he slid onto the barstool beside her, resting his arm on the bar, turning his body so he was facing her.
Sara turned her head to look at him, a small smile on her lips. "Well, you guessed right." More like a hard year. "You have a good eye."
An easy smile settled onto his lips, his blue eyes shining. "Yeah, I have a talent, I guess you could say, for picking out some fine things."
Sara's lips pursed in amusement. He was confident, easy going, and definitely knew he was good looking, and how to use it. Those blue eyes were distracting, a pang in her chest reminded her why.
"I'm Taylor." He said as he offered her his hand, the coy smile still on his lips.
"Sara." She said as she took his hand, his touch firm, yet gentle, much like Grissom's, lingered a little longer than it should have.
"So, Sara, can I ask what brings you here, alone?" He asked, his eyes glancing to the ring that she now felt burning into her skin, before finding their way back to hers.
She pulled her arms to herself, covering her left hand, more so that she couldn't see it, instead of him.
"I just needed to get away from some things." She really didn't think she could explain much more, or she would break, and she didn't know if she could mend herself after that.
He seemed to pick up on that, and his hand brushed her arm as he picked up his drink, and held it up to toast, "Well then, to escape."
She laughed a little, and picked up her drink, their glasses clinked as they toasted. "To escape." She nodded, before they both knocked back their drinks.
Taylor motioned for the bartender, and ordered another round, which Sara insisted on paying for. She had never been comfortable with having things bought for her.
"So, where are you from, Sara?" He asked her as she sipped from her drink again.
"San Francisco, originally, Vegas now."
"Where abouts in Frisco?"
"Tamales Bay."
"Wow, small world. My parents are from Marshall. We moved here when I was four, but they moved back after I finished college, so I still go back and visit every now and then." He paused and they shared a small smile. "So, I guess the big question is, Giants or 51's?"
Sara winced slightly, and took another swig of her drink, to wash down the bile that had rapidly started rising in her throat. "Let's uh... Not talk about baseball."
"I called that wrong, didn't I? Not a baseball fan?" He looked apologetic.
"No, not a baseball fan." She said as she forced a small smile to her lips.
"Okay, well then I am totally open to hearing more about you." He said with a soft smile, as he leaned back slightly into a more relaxed position, but his knee rested against hers.
She wasn't good at talking about herself. She wasn't good at flirting. Well, not with this man. With someone else, it was completely different. "What would you like to know?"
"How about we start with where you work?"
"Oh, I don't know my line of work is something that is very appealing to most people." She said honestly.
"Come on, try me? It can't be that bad." He urged.
She looked back to her drink, for just a moment, before she nodded, looking back to him and smiling. "Law enforcement."
"Well, that suits."
"Really?"
"Yeah, a smart, independent, strong, beautiful woman. We need more like you in that industry." He said, earnestly, his eyes watching every move she made.
She felt herself blushing a little, and she looked away, pursing her lips. "You don't know that much about me."
"Yeah, you're right... But I want to."
Her heart was thumping in her chest, her thoughts were a whirlwind. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the loneliness over the last few months, but she wanted him to know more.
"I'm sorry... If that was a little forward of me." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I know you're... Involved."
Sara looked to him, and turned her body so she was facing him. "Ask away." She smiled, picking up her glass and finished the last of her drink, her eyes locked with his.
"Okay, were to begin..." He paused for a moment, mulling over his own thoughts. "The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?"
She couldn't help but laugh as she heard his question. She allowed herself to relax, and forced the thoughts that had plagued her from her mind. "The Rolling Stones."
Almost two hours passed between with an easy banter between the pair, trading likes and dislikes, thoughts and memories, about random subjects. Her mind was fuzzy thanks to the alcohol, but her heart was not as heavy.
His hand was resting on her arm as they spoke, both still facing each other.
"Well, as much as I have been enjoying this, I really should be going home now. I have to be back in work in a few hours."
"Ah, duty calls."
"Unfortunately, but someone has to do it." She said with a small smile.
"Well, let me walk you out." He offered as he stood, holding out his hand to her.
She didn't know why, but she nodded, grabbing her black leather jacket and shrugging it on, slinging her bag over her shoulder before she took his hand. It really reminded her of Grissom's, warm and firm in her own, tracing small circles on her skin, but his didn't fit quite right with her own, and were a little sweaty.
"Thank you for making that night a little better." She said as they hit the fresh air. She knew it was going to be a struggle to get up for work later. It had been a long time since she had a hangover, but she had a feeling this would make up for it.
A cab pulled up beside them, and she let go of his hand, stepping away from him, her back to the taxi. She had a sudden shiver down her spine, as she looked around her, that someone was watching them, but she looked back to him as he squeezed her hand.
"No, I want to thank you for allowing me to keep the company of such a beautiful young woman, who also happens to be incredibly intelligent and charming. Even if you do prefer the Rolling Stones to The Beatles, I think I can let that one slide." He teased.
She laughed, but before she had a chance to say anything, his lips were on hers. They were warm, soft and inviting. Her head was spinning, her heart pounding. Her hands came to rest on his chest as she kissed him back, getting lost in the small show of affection that had become such a distant memory to her. How long had it been since she had kissed someone?
His hands ran down her sides, resting on her hips, pulling her closer to him. Her hands slipped around his neck, a smile on her lips as the kiss deepened. His tongue teased her lips, and he bit gently on her bottom lip, as he slipped his thumbs beneath her shirt, to the warm skin of her hips.
"Sara..." He breathed against her lips.
Her whole body went rigid. She blanched, and pulled away as quick as she could, her hands on his chest, pushing him away. She had gotten lost in the moment, he was too familiar, too inviting. His skin was warm, his lips soft, his hold gentle. It all reminded her too much of Grissom, that was who it was in her minds.
The voice was not the right one, and burnt through her body like wildfire. What had she done?Tears sprung forth in her eyes, as she brought her now shaking hands to her lips. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
He sighed slightly and shook his head. "No, Sara, I shouldn't have pushed you. I know you're married."
Was she? Was she still married? What did splitting up mean anyway? Was he sending her divorce papers? Was it just temporary? She didn't know.
"It really was nice to talk to you, Sara. Maybe some other time." He said with a small smile.
Sara nodded, apologised once more, and bid him her goodbye before she slipped into the cab.
Ten minutes later she was home, and she had managed to only let a few tears slip down her cheeks in the cab.
She unset the alarm on her way in, reset it after her and locked the door. She dumped her bag by the door, not as she stumbled ever so slightly through the house into her bathroom. She kept her eyes trained on the floor, ignoring the pictures of her and her husband that dotted many of the walls and shelves.
She turned on the shower, the water hot, as she peeled the clothes from her body, feeling numb once more.
She stepped into the shower, her entire body shaking as the cascading river of hot water sprayed over her body. She felt dirty. She was not the type to cheat on her husband. She loved him, with every fiber of her being. She had known him for almost twenty years.
She brought her hands to her lips, she could still feel Taylor's on her own. She couldn't remember what Grissom's kisses felt like. It was too long ago. She leaned against the wall, trying to support herself.
She didn't understand why he was doing this. She knew he loved her, that wasn't the question here. Why would he give this up, after so long? They had been through so much, just to throw it all away?
For a while she thought she would get her happy ending. Obviously Sidle's didn't get a happy ending.
She picked up the sponge and started to scrub her body. She felt wrong. The skin he had touched burned, as if his touch had been burnt into her, marked her for the world to see.
Her legs were too shaky, and she slid to the ground of the shower, hugging her knees to her chest as she finally let herself cry.
She hadn't allowed herself to cry for so long. Not when he missed the dinner with his mother two years ago, or when her trip was postponed because they found another grave, or when the daily Skype calls turned weekly, the phone calls sporadic. She didn't cry when he missed the visit on their anniversary. Not when she realised what was happening, they were drifting apart. Not after Doug left, and it became painfully obvious to her, but she tried to ignore it. She had ignored, pushed him away, to try and push away the inevitable, to try and stop it. She couldn't stop it.
She hugged her knees to her chest as she sobbed. Her heart felt too heavy like it would burst from her chest if she didn't relieve some of this pressure.
She ran her hands through her hair, and then in a moment of anger, confusion and frustration, she slammed her fists against the wall beside her.
She closed her raw eyes, and tilted her head back against the cold tiles.
How did she even go about beginning to fix her life, to fix the mess she had found herself in?
For once, she had no idea.
xxx
A/N: The Sara in my head demanded I write this, and it just all come together. You guys wanted more, and I need to write something to get rid of all of these feels. Let's see how this goes.
How are you all feeling now? See the CSIWritersRoom tweet? 'What makes you guys think GSR is over?' or Liz Devine's message, 'Sorry to disappoint the Sara Grissom fans. But Sara deserves someone who puts her ahead of his work. More practically we are unlikely to get Billy back ever.' What are you thinking? Will there be a GSR reunion?
I'd love a review, let me know what you thought of this if you have a minute! (Help with my feels!)