The very thought of her touch sent his heart speeding in excitement that he may indulge in his desires once again despite his better judgement. Brilliant green eyes that once haunted his nightmares now quieted the memories that clawed at his back almost every night. The more he pictured a future with the Champion, even if it was only a passing fantasy, the more distant he felt his past becoming.
Cullen stared into the ceiling with tired eyes slowly blinking as silent tears streamed down his cheeks. He was no stranger to the nightmares that have plagued him since his transfer from the Ferelden Circle of Magi but since he found solace in Juliet's company he soon became accustomed to having her there to soothe him and comfort him in ways that no woman before had. Spending nights without her protection only served to remind him what a blessing her magic could be sometimes.
The morning sun peeked through the thick curtains that covered his windows in small rays that lit his room. He felt unmoveable in his bed, lacking any energy to move on account of his insomnia and his waning faith in the Templar Order. The naivety of his youth was crushed, leaving his shattered mind to put the pieces back together but for all his faith in the Maker he was not the man he use to be. There was nothing left in him but the comfort that there was someone who understood his plight enough to restore some his lost strength. Reluctantly, he forced himself out of bed.
Often times, his apartment felt eerily quiet. Not a sound to make his home feel alive or warm. Only the quiet rustle of his armor as he dressed gave any indication that someone resided there. He was careful to avoid facing himself in the single nearby mirror. He wasn't a man known for his weaknesses but the truth of the matter was that his determination to see only what he wanted weighed on his soul more heavily than any sin or broken vow ever could. If were to face himself in the mirror he'd be facing the reflection of a man he didn't recognize and one he he has become ashamed of.
His morning routine was conducted without fault. The mages were released from their rooms and accounted for, each tired face maintaining a stoic facade to hide their fear of their of the templars that stared down at them with eyes that radiated the hatred they had become infamous for. Afterwards, the mages were ushered into the dining hall for their morning meal before being released to the courtyard to begin their morning exercises, presided over the senior mages.
After scanning the courtyard for any suspicious activity as the Knight-Commander instructs him to do on an almost daily basis, he negated his responsibilities to the senior mages and took his leave to the safety of his office. Many people would find having to read and write endless amounts of paperwork to be tedious but there was a security in it that Cullen grew to take comfort in. It was predictable, simple and provided an escape from the outside world.
But his escape soon enough came to an end when he mindlessly reached over, believing he was taking just another form to be filled when he saw an image of the woman that stirred a rage in him so fierce he felt he still could not find the strength in him to quiet. Her eyes were painted a brilliant green that embodied her selfishness and greed. To add insult to injury, she sat proudly in a deep purple gown with golden stitching that matched the glittering amethyst headpiece she wore atop her raven hair that served as a pseudo crown to announce to the readers that she was their queen.
Evil bitch, was the only thought that came to Cullen's mind as he read the headline of the newspaper, "KING ALISTAIR AND LADY AMELL HAVE THIRD CHILD." It was only then did Cullen notice the infant in her lap wearing a pure white lace dress, becoming part of the background compared to his ostentatious mother.
"Keran!" Cullen bellowed, knowing that the recruit would be near his office. Since allowing him to stay in the order on Juliet's request, he's made every effort to keep Keran within arm's distance. Even going as far as to have him polish the armor and weapons each morning to avoid having him the courtyard with the mages.
The recruit rushed to the Knight-Captain's office, practically out of breath and fear in his murky blue eyes.
"Y-Yes, sir? You called?" Keran panted while still making sure to salute his better.
"Dispose of his nonsense and tell that tranquil, Elsa that I don't want any more newspapers arriving at my office," Cullen ordered with his hand stretched out for Keran to take the paper.
"Right away-" as soon as Keran took the paper he was quick to read the headline, "The King of Ferelden has a third child? This is news,"
"Unimportant news," Cullen grumbled.
"I wouldn't say that. The King of Ferelden has three children with his mage mistress? The scandal!" he tried to joke but as soon as he saw the anger in Cullen's glare he cleared his throat and excused himself to follow through with his orders.
I should have told everyone about us, Cullen regretted, You vile woman…
He found it difficult to return to his duties after that. For so long, he ignored the Warden's presence. Treating her only as if she were a past heartbreak but after seeing her face after so many years he couldn't deny that the wound she left still felt as fresh as it did on the night she mercilessly tore into his heart.
"The Amells are a noble family. So tell me why should nobility settle for some backwoods farm boy when the future King of Ferelden is offering me the world?" he recalled her asking him with a grin while he stood before her like a fool, crying his eyes out and putting all his emotions on display for her to mock, "If you tell anyone about us, I'll bury you. You and the whole Rutherford clan will be wiped from the face of Thedas. Because if it turns out that I don't get what I want then you can be certain that I will take revenge on the ones who got in my way,"
Without even realizing it, Cullen threw his fist forward into the stone wall of his office, releasing the bottled hatred that had been dormant since his transfer to Kirkwall. The dull pain in his hand brought him back to reality. He rubbed his hand with his head held low in embarrassment. It was difficult to stomach the reality that she continued to have such a strong grasp on him but he couldn't deny the relief that overcame him after having attempted to punch through the wall.
The Hawke Estate felt hollow. Whatever warmth that might have resided in the home was washed away by the cold interactions of the couple that inhabited it. Anders sat across the room and watched his love dress with suspicion. Locks of golden hair cascaded down her back while she shifted through her wardrobe, looking for a dress that she thought would be appropriate for her appointment.
"What appointment do you have that requires you to dress up?" Anders spoke up, his voice sounding harsher than he intended.
"I told you. The King of Ferelden sent a letter saying he wishes to meet me. I thought it'd be a good idea to dress for the occasion," Juliet kept her back turned to him in her own quiet form of defiance. Having learned from their first year living together, she resigned herself to letting Anders feel in control of their relationship rather than start another fight that would inevitably escalate to Justice silencing her. Desperately wanting to change the subject to avoid an interrogation, she took a silk forest green dress from her wardrobe and turned to Anders, "What about this dress? It's a new one that Merrill suggested-,"
"Merrill? You've spoken with Merrill lately?" the flash of anger in his eyes caused Juliet's blood to run cold.
"About dresses, yes. Isabela wanted to take Merrill and I that hat shop she's always going on about. We passed by a dressmaker and Merrill said that the dress in the display would look good on me. What's the problem?"
"I've already told you the problem with Merrill and being with her," Anders stood up from his seat and stormed to Juliet, making her accidentally let the dress fall to the floor and take a few steps back to distance herself from the apostate, "Her ignorance will bring the Templars down on us,"
"You think the Templars are going to arrest me for buying a dress that she suggested?" Juliet chuckled in an effort to cover how undone she was becoming with each passing second she stood under his intimidating gaze, "You're just tired and not thinking clearly. Maybe you-,"
"You're the one who isn't thinking clearly, Juliet!" Anders shouted, watching her flinch and tightly shut her eyes to collect herself. She exhaled a deep breath and brought her trembling hands to his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt with a forced smile.
"You're right. I'm not thinking clearly," she conceded, "I'll be more careful about going out with Merrill. No need to be so upset. How can I make it up to you?"
"Don't bother. I know you'll just disobey me anyway," he pushed her hands away in indignation that she would have the audacity to go against his wishes, "I do this for your benefit as well as mine and you don't even realize it,"
"I said I'm sorry…," her emerald eyes became red from the tears she tried to desperately hold back, "I don't know what else I can do,"
Anders' expression softened to seem more affectionate towards her. He raised his hands to cup her cheeks and bring her close to him, resting his forehead on hers in the same manner he used when she needed comforting.
"You can listen to me, love," he whispered to her before placing a gentle kiss on her lips. He waited for what felt like an eternity for her to reciprocate his affections as she use to but instead, she kept her eyes fixated on the floor.
Juliet couldn't find the strength to lift her head until she heard their bedroom door shut, leaving her alone with nothing but the lingering feelings of uneasiness that seemed to be rooted in their relationship. She waited until she could no longer hear Anders' footsteps echo through the estate to finally pick up the dress that caused them to fight.
No green dress, she thought to herself as she placed it back in her wardrobe, Shame though. I really liked that dress...