"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."

The roaring crowed, the hot women, the sweating beatings. Yeah, this was my heaven. As crazy as it might sound, the fighting ring was perfect. I fought continuously, all day, everyday. God what more could I ask for? I came in, stepped in that sticky ring filled with sweat and blood, and I won every fight. Every piece of anger I ever had in me went out in that ring. My rage went in my fist and into the face of my opponent. Yeah...It was great. I had my awards, my winnings, people calling my name. It was paradise. To smother my enemies under my weight, to end them so quickly.

I sat at my corner, taking my drink from the bottle watching as the next opponent warm up. Looking over my shoulder I see Leo looking at me, smirking at me. I knew he was proud. I wasn't playing dirty, I wasn't breaking any rules. I was winning, fair and square. I beat the guy next, and after that, and after that. I was the winner, the victor. Ah, it was a great feeling, to be the best. Even to have my protege of a brother looking at me with grace.

I walked down to the main floor, my bro standing there with a towel in hand. I grabbed it from him and smirked. Me and Leo always butt heads sure, but when it came to support, Leo was always the one to stand up and stick by me.

He started to talk to me, I wasn't too sure what he was saying, the world around me so loud. But looking at his eyes, seeing the humble, soft orbs eying me. I knew he was praising me. I never liked to admit it, I loved to hear my brother talk good about me. It made me feel good about myself to know someone as great as Leo would honor me in such a way.

"Raph!" I looked up, seeing it was coming from the roof, above me somewhere. I looked back to see my arena was gone. I was standing there in the dark with Leo in front of me. He was still smiling at me, praising me still. But I kept hearing my name being called. It sounded like...Mikey.

Suddenly, the world around me swirled, Leonardo disappearing from sight, and the gaze of the roof above me. It was old and cracking away. I was in Casey's apartment. God, Of course it was just a fucking dream. Why would I get something so nice.

I groaned feeling pressure in my head. I squinted and when I opened my eyes again I saw Mikey crouched next to me. Damn this kid, so persistent. The bruises on his body proved how annoying he was the last time he came by.

I growled sitting up, instinctively reaching over to the side table, picking up an old beer. I looked at the bottle and watched the substance twirl around and knew it was a few days old. I took the last bit of it in my throat and sighed. It was bitter, it was warm, it was what my life had turned into. The last bit down at the fucking bottle.

"Raph." Oooh. He's using his authoritative voice. Little bro trying to play the big guy. He looked angry too. No surprise.

"Go away Mikey." I grumbled, standing up, wobbling. My feet brushed against the empty bottles on the floor. I must have been sleeping for a little while I could guess. I somehow made my way to the kitchen. I was lucky Casey was gone too, or else all the beer would have been gone.

I opened the fridge and grabbed the whiskey that was looking right at me. I just wanted to drown.

"Put the bottle down Raph." Not him. When I look up I see him. He was stern looking at me. Always such a damn stick in the mud.

"Put it back Raphael." Such a leader. So demanding. But I knew he wasn't real. He's only in my head. Always in my fucking head. Leo died three years ago, leaving us alone. Me alone. I huffed, opening the bottle and draining its essence.

"Raph." Then there was Mikey. Fucking Mikey. It was like he tried to take Leo's spot. But no one could take his spot. Never.

"I told ya to get lost Mikey." I told him, gulping down more of the drink. I needed to drown. Because the sooner I drowned, the sooner I could float away back to my memories, my dreams.

"Bro, you need to come home. Don and Master Splinter...there worried about you." He always tried to reason. Always played the mediator. I knew Donnie wouldn't wanna see me. After the last time he saw me drunk. It's still pretty fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I fucked him up pretty good. But who knows. I just know he hasn't seen me since then. It was probably for the best. And Master Splinter? Heh, I'm just a mistake, like I have always been. But there was no Leo to clean up my messes.

"I ain't goin' no where." I told him.

"Well I'm not going anywhere till you leave with me out that door." So fucking stubborn. Leo, did you possess our baby brother? Did you make him grow a pair while you're gone? Well it don't matter to me.

"Well you're gonna be there for a while then." I finished off the bottle and went scrounging for more. Ah, Smirnoff. A good brand thats a good kicker. A big bottle too.

I wasn't expecting Mikey to come storming up to me and knocking the bottle out of my hand. I watched it as it crashed to the floor, the drink covering the floor. God this damn brat just would not let me get my peace. I looked at him. I guess he really didn't learn from the last time.

I swung hard, hooking him in the cheek. I watched him stagger. But he stood back up. He always did. No matter how many times I hit him, how many times I break his bones, he just doesn't know when to leave me alone.

I always got violent with Mikey. He was the only one who tried to help but that's what always made me angry. So angry I just wanted to shove his friggen' face into the god damn pavement.

So I got angry. I started to beat him like I always did. More bruises, more cuts. And yet he never fought back. He never defended. He just let me pound on him. I just needed him gone. I needed my medicine. And he never wanted me to have it. It was the only time I ever got to see Leo.

I found myself on top of him, squeezing the living breath out of him. I'm screaming at him. I don't even know what I am saying. All I know is that light in my baby brother's eyes were gone. He wasn't moving and better yet, he wasn't talking.

I sat for a second, just a second before I got up and grab another bottle. I walked back to the living room, leaving a trail of blood from the glass, walking over Mikey like a mat. I opened it, I drunk it down, and I started to float.

"Raph." He was here again. But when I looked at him this time, it wasn't like the past times. No. There was no praise, no warmth, no sternness. No, he looked at me like a failure, a loser. He looked at me with disappointment and pity. I sat back watching my brother and I realized...

I lost my fight long, long ago.

A/N: Raphael- Alcohol.

Ive been in a very angry mood today so I blew everything off to write this and let my anger out. It worked. Well I hope you enjoyed and be looking out for Leo's and Mikey's next (: Till next time!

~F