A/N – I think I forgot to throw in the usual disclaimer…I don't own anything you recognize. And the title is from Pink's Just Give me a Reason. Safe to say this is more Aubrey-centric. Oh and I don't have a beta so sorry for any mistakes. Thanks for reading!
It's in the stars…it's been written in the scars on our hearts…
We're not broken, just bent…
Chapter Two
Aubrey was struggling to control her breathing and had a fist clasped in front of her mouth. She was seated in one of the hard plastic chairs still in the waiting room. The blonde startled slightly at the feeling of a cool, damp cloth being placed on the back of her neck. Beca smiled sadly and dropped a sympathetic hand on the taller woman's shoulder.
"How did you know…" Aubrey said quietly.
Beca shrugged. "Chloe told me. She said I needed to be next in command in case you got sick and she wasn't around."
Aubrey swallowed thickly with a nod. "Oh God Beca…how am I going to tell her? What are we going to do? And when are they going to let me see her? Do you think something went wrong?"
The blonde clenched her jaw and once again clamped her fist to her mouth, swallowing down the bile. Beca pulled the older woman closer.
"I'm sure they're just getting her settled Aubrey. And then…and then you two will get through this. And we'll all be here with you."
Before Aubrey could respond, the same doctor came strolling purposefully back into the waiting room. "Miss?" He called, heading in Aubrey's direction.
The blonde stood to her feet shakily as the doctor came to a stop, seemingly in a hurry.
"I'm terribly sorry Mrs. Posen-Beale but…we need an official identification of your son."
Beca clenched her fists at the doctor's lack of tact. Aubrey once again swallowed thickly, visibly shaking. "I can do it." The brunette replied quickly.
"No." Aubrey said in a whisper. "I'm his mother…I'll do it. But…where is Chloe? You said she was ok but I still haven't gotten to see her. What is going on? I just lost my son, tell me where my wife is!"
The doctor nodded and sighed. "Well, there was a slight complication-nothing too serious. It shouldn't be much longer-"
"What kind of complication?" Beca interrupted before even Aubrey could voice her own concerns. "This is bullshit. We've been out here waiting forever and you just come out here telling her she has to ID her dead son and 'oh by the way' there were complications with your wife? What the fuck?"
"Beca-" Jesse warned, stepping closer to his girlfriend.
"Just tell me…is she alright?" Aubrey asked, silencing them both. "Is Chloe going to die too?"
The doctor looked properly chastised and he sighed again. "It's just a slight complication. We discovered another bleed out internally but it appears that we've corrected it. We're keeping her in recovery for additional observation and as soon as she's ready to be moved, you'll be able to be with her. I truly don't anticipate this being more than a minor setback. As for your son…"
"Ok." Aubrey interrupted. "I want to see my boy."
xxxx
Aubrey timidly approached her son lying on the morgue table. The attending coroner smiled sympathetically and stepped to the side. The blonde felt the breath leave her body as she finally saw her boy. He looked peaceful, the carnage of the wreck having been washed away. She whimpered and dropped a shaking hand to his still unruly head of hair.
Choking on a sob, Aubrey once again found herself trying to breathe. The doctor took sympathy on her and stepped closer, hoping to distract her.
"The first responding emergency crew reported that he was perfectly belted into his booster seat in the back of the SUV. It was just one of those things…the driver side of the vehicle actually sustained the most extensive damage but for whatever reason…I don't believe he suffered."
Aubrey released a shaky breath and nodded gratefully. "That's Caleb…that's my baby."
xxxx
By the time Aubrey returned from identifying Caleb, the doctor had come back to inform them that Chloe was being moved to her own room in the intensive care unit and it should only be another few minutes before she was allowed back to see her wife.
The blonde dropped wearily onto the hard plastic chair once again to wait.
"Ok, here's the game plan." Jesse said decisively. "Aubrey, if it's ok with you, Beca and I will run back to your place and get some things together for you. We'll get you a change of clothes so you'll be more comfortable here and we'll grab anything that Chloe might want while she's in here. Is that alright?"
Aubrey nodded slightly, seemingly in a daze. She reached for her purse and fished out her keys, handing them off to Jesse without so much as a glance.
"Jesse," Beca said, eyeing the blonde worriedly. "Think you could take Stacie or Amy? I think I should stay here with Aubrey and Chloe."
Jesse nodded, pocketing the keys. "Ok. We'll be back soon. Aubrey, is there anything specific you want me to grab?"
"It doesn't matter." Aubrey whispered.
Jesse and Beca exchanged a worried glance before he stood, looking to both Stacie and Amy to see if they had a preference for going or staying with Aubrey.
Amy's eyes widened. "Don't look at me. I don't know anything about skinny bitches underoos. Stacie, you're up. What I can do though, is round us all up some coffee."
Jesse chuckled and nodded. He pressed a quick kiss to Beca's temple before heading out with Stacie to gather what the brunette would deem appropriate and Amy went in search of coffee.
It was only a short time later that Aubrey was told she could see Chloe. The blonde clutched Beca's hand tightly as they somberly walked down the sterile corridor toward the redhead's room. Aubrey clenched her jaw as she finally stepped closer to her wife's hospital bed.
Chloe was pale but appeared to be resting comfortably. Her left arm was braced tightly to her chest due to her broken clavicle from the seatbelt. Her head had a thick bandage covering the left side and she had a few other scratches and bruises but overall looked better than Aubrey expected. The attending nurse explained again that the internal bleeding seemed to be under control but with her head injury, it could be a while yet before Chloe regained consciousness.
Aubrey reached for her wife's free hand, holding it tenderly. She hadn't even had a chance to pull a chair closer to the bed when a soft knock sounded on the door.
Beca stood almost awkwardly, shifting from one foot to the other. "Aubrey…there's a police officer here. He wants to talk to you about the accident."
The blonde nodded and gently placed her wife's hand back on the bed. She exited the room and nodded wearily to the officer waiting for her in the hallway.
"Good evening ma'am." He said politely. "I'm sorry to interrupt you and I'll try not to keep you long. Has she come around at all?"
Aubrey wrapped her arms around herself as if she had caught a chill and shook her head 'no'. "Not yet."
The officer nodded. "Well from the scene investigation it appears it was a single vehicle accident. Tire marks show she drove off of the road onto the right shoulder, apparently overcorrected and crossed over into the median on the left side. The sharp turn caused the vehicle to roll until it came to a rest in the median. A vehicle traveling by noticed the car and called for help."
"So you don't know why she swerved in the first place?" Aubrey questioned softly.
"No ma'am. We didn't see anything on the scene to suggest there was another car, no skid marks from the other direction. It could have been an animal or she could have simply been distracted while driving. It was odd to see that all four tires left markings on the shoulder, meaning the entire car exited the road on the right side. It's more common to see only the right two tires drop off the road and result in the overcorrection. Looks like we won't know what happened until she wakes up and can tell us. Well ladies, I'll get out of your hair. I'll be in touch."
Aubrey and Beca both watched the officer walk away before turning back to Chloe's room, Jesse and Stacie rejoining the group a short time later.
xxxx
Three days passed and Chloe had not regained consciousness. Aubrey had left the room just long enough to call her parents and Chloe's mother to tell them what had happened and to begin the process of planning a funeral for her six year old son.
Mr. and Mrs. Posen were coming in the morning of the funeral and planned to leave shortly thereafter as relations with their daughter had not improved with her marrying Chloe a year after their graduation from Barden. Chloe's mother had not been much more supportive of the union, simply because she felt they were too young and Aubrey was just finishing her first year of law school.
Mrs. Beale had been driving back and forth between her daughter's hospital room and her teenage son. As a single mother with a son still in middle school, the woman had a difficult time balancing both with the hour distance between the hospital and her home. But still she had come every morning, only leaving in time to head back home for her job in the local diner.
Aubrey had relied on Mrs. Beale staying with Chloe while she made the funeral arrangements for Caleb. The three days passed in a blur.
The morning of the funeral, Aubrey found herself doubled over the toilet in the public bathroom of the hospital. The thought of attending the funeral without Chloe by her side made Aubrey physically ill but the redhead was just beginning to show signs of responding to stimulation as they cut back her medication and the burial could no longer wait. Beca had suggested they have a memorial ceremony when Chloe was also able to attend and so the burial itself was to be a small affair.
It rained while the friends and family gathered in the cemetery, which was fitting of the somber occasion. Jesse held a large black umbrella over both Aubrey and Beca as the minister ended the short eulogy. The blonde had of course agreed to have the attendees back to their apartment for a small brunch as is required of polite society according to Mrs. Posen.
Beca helped Aubrey tend to everyone and kept throwing worried glances the other woman's way. Aubrey simply wanted to put the day behind her and go back to her wife's hospital room but decorum prevailed. She was just gathering a fresh plate of hors devours with a sigh when her father finally cornered her.
"I trust this will be a proper lesson in priorities." He said stiffly.
Aubrey stopped short and stared up at her father, an unreadable expression on her face. "Excuse me Sir?"
Mr. Posen cleared his throat with a frown. "Priorities Aubrey. You've always had a problem with priorities. First that Bella nonsense in college. Then your ill-advised marriage after your first year of law school…at Barden University School of Law of all places. You could have gone to a much more prestigious school if you had simply had your priorities in order and applied yourself. And now…my grandson is dead because you decided a silly school play is an appropriate pastime for a boy. Perhaps if you had him in sports like a normal boy, or even an academic club, this wouldn't have happened."
Aubrey felt that familiar feeling of worthlessness washing over her at her father's words. She also struggled to swallow against the rising bile in her throat as Mr. Posen slipped from the kitchen with a disapproving glare, passing Beca on his way.
"Everything ok in here?" The brunette asked, eyeing the blonde cautiously. She reached and took the plate from her friend's trembling hands.
Aubrey clenched her jaw and nodded, exhaling a shaky breath. "Can you handle this? I want to get back to the hospital."
"Yeah, of course." Beca replied. Aubrey immediately pushed past her and slipped from the kitchen leaving the brunette to wonder what she had missed.
xxxx
The next morning, a soft moan sounding from Chloe's bed had Aubrey leaning closer, holding her breath as blue eyes finally fluttered open.
"Bree?" Chloe muttered with a sigh. "What's goin' on?"
Aubrey felt tears stinging her eyes and she gently squeezed her wife's hand, bringing it to her lips. "You're in the hospital Chloe…there was an accident. You were in a car accident."
The redhead's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of Aubrey's words, and her surroundings. "Accident?" she whispered.
Aubrey nodded wordlessly.
"When?" Chloe continued. "I don't-"
"Easy." Aubrey replied, blinking away the tears. "Just take your time. Do you need water?"
Chloe whimpered, grimacing in pain. "Aubrey…"
"Hey, hey you're ok." The blonde said, brushing her own tears away, as well as her wife's. "Do you remember anything about the accident Chloe? Anything at all?"
Aubrey could tell the redhead was struggling to catch her breath in her fear and disorientation and she hated to add to that by having to break the news to her about their son.
"Chloe…"
"What Aubrey?" Chloe exclaimed, fighting panic. "What are you not telling me? Something bad happened didn't it? In the wreck?"
The blonde felt her lower lip trembling. She nodded and felt her heart break at the sight of Chloe's face falling. "Caleb…Chloe you don't remember anything?"
If possible, Chloe's face paled even more at the mention of her son. "Caleb? Aubrey…no. No. No he's not…tell me he's fine! Aubrey! You tell me!"
"God, Chloe…" Aubrey cried. "He's…he didn't make it Chloe. The car rolled and…Caleb's gone."
"No!" Chloe wailed. "Aubrey no!"
The blonde grimaced, uncertain how to help comfort her frantic wife. The monitors attached to Chloe began to beep loudly and within seconds, a hoard of nurses rushed into the room. Chloe cried out in pain as she began to sob. Aubrey watched helplessly as yet another sedative was injected into her wife's IV, silencing her within moments.
xxxx
Hour later, when Chloe woke again, Aubrey was seated next to the bed, her head in her hands. The blonde sighed and lifted her head, once again greeted by pain filled blue eyes. She sighed and pushed herself to her feet.
Aubrey stepped closer to the bed, once again reaching for Chloe's uninjured hand.
"I wasn't dreaming?" The redhead asked dully. "Our son…my baby…he's gone?"
The blonde clenched her jaw and nodded once.
"Who was driving?"
Aubrey sighed again, avoiding meeting her wife's gaze. "You were…it was just the two of you in the car. Are you sure you don't remember anything? You went off the road…why? You must remember something."
Chloe release a shuddering sigh, tears once again leaking. "No. I don't…I can't remember. Oh God, I killed him…I killed my baby…"
As her wife once again began to sob uncontrollably, Aubrey hated herself for not trying to convince her otherwise.
xxxx
A few days later, Chloe was released and Aubrey found herself helping the injured woman back into their apartment. When Chloe realized she had missed Caleb's funeral, she had needed to be sedated once again. But since waking a third time, the redhead had been eerily calm.
Even Mrs. Beale had been unable to break her daughter from her melancholy. Chloe was still unable to remember anything from the wreck. She could recall Caleb's practice but nothing after getting into the car. The police officer had called back a number of times asking for an update but Chloe's frustration grew as she was unable to supply any details.
For the first time since they met each other, it seemed Aubrey and Chloe had no idea how to interact with one another. Aubrey could see Chloe sinking deeper and deeper into her guilt but she had no idea how to pull her out of it. The blonde had her own questions swirling through her mind but she struggled to subdue them as she tried her best to tend to her wife.
Finally, a week after Chloe was released, the redhead summoned the courage to voice her concerns. Aubrey had been the ideal wife, attentive to all Chloe's needs, but the two had barely spoken, the silence overwhelming.
"Do you blame me?"
Aubrey stopped short. She was in the middle of clearing away Chloe's dinner, which had barely been touched. She glanced up and met her wife's weary blue eyes. She tried to summon an encouraging smile but it didn't reach her own eyes.
"Of course not." She finally whispered. "It was an accident right?"
Chloe's eyes teared, as they seemed to do every day, and she nodded. "I'm so sorry Aubrey…I wish I could remember but…I can't! I wish I could…trade places but…"
Aubrey felt her heart clench at her wife's pained words. "Chloe…"
"I need to see him…I didn't get to go to my son's funeral…I need to go to the cemetery."
The blonde clenched her jaw, working to steady her breathing. "Ok." She said softly. "I'll call Beca tomorrow…she'll take you."
A look of confused washed over Chloe's face as her wife's words registered. She had hoped this was something they could do together, to finally reconnect, but Aubrey's cold expression left the redhead's hope falling.
Beca did in fact arrive first thing in the morning to take Chloe out to the graveside but Aubrey refused to go. She cited the need to catch up on work and emails after having missed so much time in the office while remaining in the hospital waiting for Chloe to wake up. Chloe returned, finally feeling a bit of closure at having been given the opportunity to finally say goodbye to her son.
xxxx
Before they knew it, two months had passed since the accident. Aubrey threw herself into her work if for no other reason than to distract herself from how quiet their home had become without the six year old boy in it. Chloe was still moving slowly but went into the dance studio when she was able. The medications she was still required to take left her feeling sick and groggy. An antidepressant had also been added to the regimen.
Their friends had gone about their own business, seemingly forgetting that the family had just been torn apart. Beca and Jesse remained close by, checking in often as the two tried to return to their normal lives.
Chloe and Aubrey continued to drift apart, unsure of how to speak to the other. Chloe still could not remember anything about the accident and felt crippling guilt over the whole incident. Aubrey tried to convince the redhead that she herself hadn't blamed her wife for a second but the more time that passed, the more Aubrey felt herself questioning. There had to be a logical explanation for why the car ran off the road. But unfortunately, with Chloe unable to remember anything, the blonde was left with no answers as to why her son had to die that night. The uncertainty was slowly driving her mad.
The time since the accident had passed with no intimacy and barely any physical interaction between Chloe and Aubrey at all. The redhead finally summoned the courage to try to connect with her wife, craving a connection with the woman she loved.
The moon was streaming through the blinds when she rolled onto her side, facing Aubrey, who though she tried to fake it, was obviously awake as well. Chloe scooted closer, pulling the thin blonde closer to her.
Aubrey clenched her jaw as Chloe began to press kisses down her neck, sliding her hand under the blonde's pajama top. The redhead felt her courage increase at the sigh that escaped her wife's lips. Chloe moved even closer, practically straddling her wife as she continued to kiss the bare skin of Aubrey's neck and chest.
"Stop."
Chloe's breath caught as she felt the blonde pushing her away, hands on her shoulders. "Bree?"
"Stop Chloe…I can't."
Chloe pulled back sharply, as if she had been burned, trying to hide the hurt she felt at being rejected. "Aubrey…What is going on? I miss you."
Aubrey sighed as she pushed Chloe away, bolting upright and standing next to the bed. "I'm sorry Chloe, that I don't feel up to having sex with you right now but our son is dead. I just don't feel like it right now. I would appreciate it if you could respect that please."
"Respect…" Chloe repeated, almost dumfounded. "Aubrey…I'm just trying to…We're falling apart! We barely talk, let alone have any physical contact at all. I miss my wife! I need you Aubrey, we need each other! Stop pushing me away, please! We don't have to have sex, we don't. We can just hold each other…please."
"I just-" Aubrey replied, clenching her fists. "I just can't."
She rushed into the en suite bathroom and slammed the door behind her. Chloe just watched her go sadly, before gathering a pillow and a blanket and slowly making her way out onto the couch.
When Aubrey exited the bathroom, she was surprised to find the bed empty. Noticing the pillow and blanket missing, she immediately know where her wife had wandered off to. She wanted to go to her, to talk to her. But she couldn't bring herself to address the things that were truly weighing on her mind.
They were only a few rooms apart but both women felt there were miles between them and neither slept. Aubrey dozed off finally just as the sun began to filter into the room only to wake shortly after. She turned her head to the side where Chloe should be and sighed. The blonde clenched her jaw and wearily pushed herself from the bed.
She quietly walked into the living room and saw the lump that was Chloe still on the couch, completely covered by blankets. Aubrey stood off behind the couch, hoping that if she couldn't see her wife she might be able to get the words out.
"Chloe…I'm sorry." She said softly. "I…I don't mean to push you away it's just…I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do, how to be what you need. I want to be though, I love you, you know that. But how do we go on from this? What do we do?"
Tears were beginning to form but Aubrey steeled herself against them.
"I'll try harder." She continued firmly. "I'm sorry Chloe. Just please be patient with me and I'll try not to push you away. I do want us to work this out."
The silence that met the blonde's ears caused her heart to ache. Seconds later, the front door opened and Chloe stepped through the door, having gone for an early morning walk. She eyed Aubrey cautiously as she stepped further into the room.
"Did you need something?" The redhead asked quietly.
Aubrey dropped her gaze back to the couch and the empty blankets piled there and shook her head once, sadly, her energy draining at the realization she had bared her soul to an empty couch. "No."
Chloe sighed and then left the room, nothing left to say.
xxxx
"Bree, we need to talk." Chloe said softly, a few weeks later. She was determined to actually have a conversation with her wife, even if Aubrey seemed intent on avoiding her. The blonde had been working even longer hours at the law firm and the two barely saw each other.
Aubrey stopped short and eyed her wife where she was sitting on the ottoman across from her. Chloe swallowed thickly at the look on the blonde's face. It reminded her of the look Aubrey had worn when she kicked Mary Elise out of the Bellas for sleeping with a Treble.
"Aubrey…I'm worried about you! You haven't been to Caleb's grave…you don't want to talk about him…I can't just forget him but you seem perfectly content in doing just that. You're not grieving and I'm worried about you."
"Excuse me?" Aubrey replied coldly when her wife's words registered. "I'm not grieving?"
Chloe sighed, wringing her hands together nervously. "Babe, I'm just…Maybe you should talk to someone. You don't want to talk to me and that's fine but maybe someone…"
"I'm sorry." Aubrey exclaimed with her fists clenched. "I'm sorry that I'm a little behind you on the grieving spectrum! But if you recall, I didn't exactly have time to fall apart when I learned that my son had been killed because I also didn't know whether or not my wife was going to survive. We can't both fall apart so forgive me if I'm just trying to make the best of a really shitty situation!"
"I just want to help you." Chloe whispered brokenly.
"Well you can't."
Chloe stood from the ottoman and followed Aubrey into the kitchen when the blonde tried to escape. "Please Aubrey, this is good. We're talking. Just talk to me! Come on Bree, please!"
Aubrey felt trapped and threatened and felt herself losing control.
"I can't Chloe, I can't even look at you without seeing him!" she finally exploded. "He's gone and I have no idea why because no one can tell me what happened that night. And I'm just so angry! Tell me…were you texting? While you were driving?"
"What?" Chloe cried. "Aubrey no, I would never…you know I wouldn't do that!"
"Well there has to be some explanation for why you drove our car off the road and killed our son!"
The two froze, merely a foot of space separating them. Aubrey steeled herself against the tears pooling in her wife's blue eyes.
"So you do blame me." The redhead once again whispered, her voice cracking. "Finally something we still have in common then."
Aubrey watched as Chloe turned on her heel, tears streaming and headed for their bedroom. Before she made it to the hallway, the blonde's voice caused her to stop short.
"I think…I think I should leave for a little while…maybe get a motel room or something."
Chloe glanced over her shoulder but didn't meet Aubrey's gaze. "Fine."
Aubrey squared her shoulders and silently followed into the bedroom to pack what she would need. Chloe closed herself into the bathroom and didn't come out until she heard the front door slam.