The Captain called her No.1, it was more than a designation of seniority, it was a recognition that he couldn't run the ship without her. That she was an asset he valued and relied on, the foundation of his command. When he said it, it always seemed infused with his respect and admiration, not merely a way of catching her attention but a way of honouring his indebtedness.
What had Spock to offer in place of this? Himself? What was that against the laurels a starship Captain could bestow? He knew what he was, a fractured being neither wholly man, nor wholly Vulcan. Unable to tell her the depth of his love, hardly able even to admit it to himself. It revealed itself always in pain. She saw the pain and was saddened by it, he saw it in her eyes and heard it in her voice. It was manifest in the gentleness of her touch. He tried to make her understand that for him all emotion was pain. That this pain was sweet to him, because it was the measure of his love. He knew she loved him. Knew she wanted him to be able to love her as freely as she did him, but he didn't know how. His mother had wanted him to know, hoped he would learn, tried to give him a way; but it was impossible to love as he did and to be Vulcan. He found it impossible. So he loved as he could, as well as he could, grateful that he could and asked no more.
She had put together her landing party; two security officers, two specialists, herself and the Captain. The specialists had included a geologist, Dr Sylvia Pereira, and Spock. The security officers, Martin Taplow and Craig Brightman, were newly assigned but the rest of the team had served on the Enterprise for sometime and were therefore well acquainted.
Spock was uncertain of his feelings regarding his inclusion. He had always relished their time away from the ship together, absenting them from the scrutiny and curiosity of the crew. Spock was aware of the interest the crew exhibited in them but he neither shrank from it nor engaged with it. He kept his distance. His business his own.
Her rank exempted her from much that he was exposed to, but she too felt no obligation to make the inner workings of her life known. She did not hide their attachment neither did she explain it. It simply existed and she expected acceptance.
But now there was a sharp agony that pinched at his heart. They would not be alone, they would be in company, their world encroached upon. And the Captain would be there, eclipsing him, diminishing him, obscuring him. For how could he compete with his Captain, what right had he to try?
He made his way to the transporter with heavy feet. His duty was clear, he must go. His logic was clear, he had no choice. Neither duty nor logic recognised that there was more of him than they owned, that he had desires and needs beyond their reckoning.
All but the security contingent had arrived when he reached the transporter. He took his place on the pad near his commanding officers. Taplow and Brightman entered the room briskly after him and followed his lead. The team assembled, Captain Pike gave the order and they were transported to the surface.
The planet had a barren beauty, rocky outcrops streaked with grey and purple, soft brown soil and a misty haze rising in the distance. It's sun was a pale yellow in a soft orange sky, a constant warm breeze swirled about them. They found no evidence of life; plant or animal. Dr Pereira had already begun scanning their surroundings, the Captain ordered Spock to assist her. Spock acknowledged the order and joined the Doctor in her investigations. The security officers began their own evaluation.
The Captain stood with his second in command, their voices were low and serious. Spock's sensitive hearing caught much of their conversation. They were discussing what needed to be done, what they wanted to be done, how it would be done. There was an easy intimacy between them. A shared set of assumptions, a joint understanding of the way things were, of the way things should be. The Captain did not mistake or misunderstand. There was no cultural confusion. She did not have to stop and explain idiom or expression. They were two halves of a whole. Complementary, one to the other. A pairing.
He felt a sharp twist of something inside him. He wished his ears were less efficient, more like his mother's, less like his father's. He did not want to hear their conversation. He'd heard humans say ignorance was bliss and had thought it stupid. For knowledge was everything and its acquisition the only justification for existing, but now he understood; ignorance veiled the ugly truth and was a protection against its vile hurt. Ignorant of the nature of her bond with the Captain he had been happy, now it was revealed it was a shattering truth. It had shattered him.
The Captain had finished speaking to his partner in command and had moved a little way from the group in order to contact his ship. No.1 walked towards them. She began issuing orders, they were to expect equipment, shelters, provisions. The landing party was going to spend three days on the planet; the Captain would then review the situation. He may or may not decide that they should remain longer, he may or may not decide that further equipment or personnel would be required. Spock listened attentively, they all listened attentively. She commanded attention. She was everything he most admired, most aspired to be. Rational, commanding, respected.
And she was everything he most desired. The delicate cream of her skin framed by her dark hair, her blue eyes full of intelligence, her mobile features, her slender figure. How could she be slipping away from him? Why could he not hold on to her? He loved enough for both of them, what more was needed? How did he fight to keep her when the miracle by which she became his was still beyond fathoming?
The wrenching of his insides told him that the Captain was returning before his distracted brain could register the movement. She was smiling warmly at Pike, addressing him with respect and informality. She confirmed that the Captain's orders had been relayed and suggested that she and her commanding officer might like to take the time to explore a little on their own. The Captain returned her smile, ruefully recounting an anecdote from their last joint adventure as they sauntered aimlessly away from him. Leaving him behind. Behind and alone.