Title: Images 2/15
Rating: PG
Pairing: Addison/Derek
Summary: A series of one shots set during seasons 1 to 3 of Greys Anatomy, following the build up then subsequent break down of Addison and Derek's marriage.
Authors Note: This is a follow up to Images, which originally was supposed to be a one shot but I couldn't stop writing so I decided to write this and then turn it into a series of one shots.
All comments/criticism accepted!
Disclaimer: It's all Shonda. Not moi.
The trailer is different this evening. Its not that it's more jam packed with belongings then ever before, it's not that there is someone else in his bathroom when he wants to use it and it's not that there are shoes everywhere that don't belong to him.
It's different because she's here.
Here in Seattle, in the hospital, in his trailer. In his new life.
He can't blame anyone but himself now, he made the choice. But after all the counselling, all the glares from Meredith and eyebrows raised at work it's just him and Addison.
He made his choice and he chose her because he wants to believe that they can make it.
After they leave the hospital her hand on his feels familiar, and they make their first journey to his trailer together. She tries to look relaxed on the ferry but she's tense, agitated, making small talk with him about her day, trying to take her mind off the fact that soon it's just going to be the two of them in a small space, that's surrounded by acres of empty forests.
He wants nothing more then to reach up and smooth away the piece of hair that she keeps fiddling with but he can't make his hand move through the emotional distance between them to do it. Even the physical distance between them feels as vast as the forest, and just as full as obstacles.
He made his choice, and so did she by choosing to stay with him in Seattle.
When he shows her the trailer he can tell that she's trying not to laugh because it's just so far removed from anything that she's ever imagined him doing. However this is the new Derek, the one that moved on without her, but still remains the love of her life, and the man she wants back.
He hangs back as she views the trailer, taking in every inch of his new life. The one that involves fishing, flannel, Meredith Grey and the stark absence of any trace of her.
It's not that she expected to find their marriage photos to be displayed over the trailer, but nothing in here has her mark on it.
Even such small details like the coffee he drinks to the shower gel have changed.
He won't drink that brand of coffee any more because it's her favourite, and he won't shower with that particular scent any more because it reminds him of how they used to share showers and that's all he could smell on himself when they had finished.
When she enters the bedroom she has to remind herself to breathe as the images of him and Meredith overwhelm her.
Meredith and Derek in bed, making love and laughing.
Waking, sleeping, cuddling.
Doing all the things that she used to do with her husband.
Her husband. Her Derek.
She suddenly understands why he physically had to walk away from her that night, how he couldn't look her in the eye to touch her when she had tried to hug him after he let her back into the house.
He sees her standing motionless against the wall and asks her if she's okay. He knows exactly what images are running through her head because he had similar ones of her and Mark flashing in his head for several weeks after he found them.
They both know it's not going to be easy for her to slot herself back into his life.
He excuses himself to go for a walk, to give her some space to adjust herself amongst his new life, to start making her own mark on the trailer. To unpack the coffee she likes, the shower gel she uses.
When he returns he finds her sitting outside, drinking his secret stash of scotch that she found. For once it's not raining, and while he wouldn't say that she looked exactly at one with nature she definitely looks more relaxed then she did when he left her.
She pours him a drink and when he cracks a joke about taking her fishing in the morning she smiles at him, and he can see shades of his private Addison returning.
He knows that they have many more nights in front of them that are going to be difficult, but for now they have comfortable silence and scotch, and that's not a bad start.
However it all falls apart the next day when he ignore her on the ferry. She isn't surprised, just disappointed after the ground they covered last night.
He's always loved ferryboats, and she's always loved viewfinders.
People always used to say that's why they made a perfect couple.
They went together, just like ferryboats and viewfinders.
After searching for a while she has yet to find a viewfinder on this ferry boat. She would give anything for one right now. Something else to look at besides the cold look in Derek's eyes when he saw her standing by the railings. She waved at him, hoping that he would at least be civil and make pointless small talk with her.
All the good work that they had done last night in the trailer has seemed to be become undone. The "Addison" switch in Derek's head has now been turned off and she feels that she's woken up next to distant Derek from New York, not "new, trying to make the marriage work" Derek
When she pulls up in the car park she's almost relieved to see Meredith looking flustered and very un put together
Pretty much the way she's feeling on the inside.
She hates that she feels better by seeing someone else in that state, but right now she would think or feel anything if it meant that Derek would talk to her.
The arrival of Savvy and Weiss puts it all in perspective. The last time they were all together there was no cancer, no adultery, no planned surgeries. If anyone passing had looking at them when they were clinking their glasses at dinner they would of just seen the image of four friends just having a catch up.
Seconds after that the image is shattered with Weiss's words, and they're back to being four friends who appear to have everything together but who are each individually falling apart.
Derek finds Weiss alone in the foyer of the hospital, trying to numb the pain of Savvy's surgery by drinking and running away to where his wife isn't.
When he speaks about how its about the ring, and the marriage proposal to Weiss his voice cracks as he remembers his own marriage and its vows. The image of Addison walking up the aisle overwhelms him and he feels a sudden surge of emotion for Savvy, Weiss, himself and Addison. As much as can't forgive the adultery just yet,he knows that if anything happened to her like it is to Savvy he would be there supporting her the whole way through.
Realisation then hits.
Even though she was the one who committed the adultery, she still needs his support, in trying to fix the marriage and in moving on with their new life. He knows that he hasn't exactly been supportive of her since she made the move to Seattle.
Ignoring her on the ferry was not a supportive move. Nor is spending time with Meredith in the elevator.
"Its about the ring"
He hasn't worn his since that night. He remembers how when he was driving to Seattle he threw it out of the window. He is more than aware that Addison still wears hers after her display with it earlier.
She hasn't mentioned anything about the lack of his ring, and he hasn't told her that he's pleased
she's still wearing hers.
Neither of them return to the trailer that evening.
Derek stays with Weiss while Addison stays at the hospital with Savvy. Each of them supporting the other's spouse.
Weiss comes through for Savvy, and Derek knows that he has to come through for Addison. He can't go the whole way all at once, but feels capable of showing small signs to let her know that he's here for her, and he's trying too.
On the ferryboat home she's quiet, thinking through her actions on her friends surgery. He knows that she wants nothing more then to break her barriers and let all the emotion of the day out. She won't though, not in public.
She's deep in thought when he takes her hand and leads her off to a quiet place on the lower deck, away from the throes of tourists and the crowd. She surprised by the contact but doesn't protest, even when they walk to a very quiet place with no other passengers. What he shows her threatens the tears she's trying not to shed to fall so she quickly dips her head to look through the viewfinder. He doesn't talk to her throughout the rest of the ferry ride because he knows she's taking in the view from the viewfinder, but he doesn't take his hand away from hers.