"If I stay, Youre going to die."
"If you leave, I'm going to die."
I learned I have many weaknesses
while I grew up with Mom and Steven.
I learned that I'm not pretty.
I learned that I'm too thin.
I learned that I'm lazy.
I learned that I don't run fast enough
to get out of Steven grasp and
painful blows.
But the biggest weakness I learned that I could
possibly have,
Is that I look too much like Mom.
One day, I'm watching the rain hit the kitchen window,
dark rainclouds swallowing up the sky
and making me feel better after a week
of men in both mine and Mom's bedroom
when Steven slams open the front door.
At first, I am not scared.
He does that alot,
for reason I'm never quite sure of.
He slinks up behind me,
smelling of rain,
dirt,
and alcohol.
I turn to face him, to ask him what he needed,
when his mouth meets mine.
It's soft at first,
but soon turns hungry, desperate
for affection.
His tongue slides in my mouth and I begin
to cry. I never wanted my father,
my daddy,
to be another bedroom man.
I sob into his mouth and soon, he sobs into mine.
He holds me close, begging me to forgive him,
to please forgive him for everything he's done.
I rock him back and forth
and tell him everythings okay.
He whispers Mom's name in my ear,
and that's when I realize,
he thinks I'm Mom.
My body slinks to the kitchen floor and he
goes down with me,
saying he's sorry for getting her pregnant
with me.
For burdening her.
My biggest weakness,
is that I look too much like the mother
who thinks her only child,
who she delivered at a meth circle,
is the burden to her life.